Advice Needed on 'Disciplining' 3 year old

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I have 3 year old boy/girls twins. The boy as good functioning ASD. I've suspected something off with him since age 1, but it wasn't until last month we got the official diagnosis of ASD, hypotonia and expressive/receptive speech disorder.

He seems to be seeking attention by hurting his his sister; pulling hair, scratching, hitting, etc. I say this because In most cases, he does not seem angry or frustrated. He will just walk up and hurt her. He attends early education program and also daycare and this is not a problem with other children, just her. He does not seem to connect consequences (timeouts, etc) with his behavior.

I am feeling so bad for his sister because she doesn't understand his behavior and has grown fearful of him. She obviously needs to feel safe and doesn't understand why he does it or why we can't seem to stop it.

I know as parent's of ASD we have to be detectives and figure out the underlying cause and resolution, which can change constantly of course! But being so new to this, I am just seeking others who have experienced similar behaviors and what solutions have worked.

I have mixed expressive receptive language disorder. Is he in speech therapy? Does he speak at all? Does he communicate at all? I learned sign language and that helped me considerably.

Since he doesn't do it with others at school, it may just be a bad habit. Is suggest shaking up your routines to see if that helps.

I would continue with the timeouts even if he doesn't seem to understand. He may. And not reacting to him physically hurting another human being would be worse.

But, also find ways for him to meet his needs without needing to hurt his sister. If he is in fact doing it to meet a need and not just as a bad habit. If, for instance, he is trying to get something and she is in the way--teach him a way to communicate "excuse me". With words or ASL:

http://youtu.be/1T8teZCoy_Y

Teach your daughter also and tell her that if she moves out of the way when brother makes this sign that she will not get hurt. She will likely gladly do this to void being hurt.

You will need to watch them very closely until he breaks this. (Unfortunately!) So, make sure you get frequent breaks as a parent.

I reread you're looking for the cause of his behavior.

It might just be stimulation! (I wouldn't phrase it as attention, that tends to just make parents start to get annoyed.)

BEFORE he does this, offer stimulating activities: park, outside play, falling onto a beanbag, high interest activities, goey stuff, rice bin, water play... Does he see an OT?

Thanks for responding! I was looking at your signature and appreciate your experience and advice! He has been in speech therapy for year...working on play patterns and other activities that help develop communication. He is now in an early education program for 2.5 hours 5 days a week, which includes speech, OT and physical therapy. There has been much much improvement in all areas. He does speak and starting to communicate clearly and more effectively. However, if you ask him a question, he often just repeats what you say.

I like how you termed it as stimulation not attention. I am finding that often redirecting him to an activity helps for awhile. He goes through spurts, so it isn't constant. It's like a mood switch and it onsets quickly and persists for awhile. I will continue the timeouts. I am also finding that taking something he likes and putting it up distracts him from her because he is looking for ways to find it or get it back.

I think a sign of some sort is a great idea. We tried this with speech therapy, but as a full-time employee and student, I rely on my mother a lot and daycare and they aren't consistent with making him use signs. But I DO think that along with consistency will help tremedously THANKS SO MUCH!!

He may well not be understanding that he's hurting his sister: one of the challenges with kids who have good language skills is that it's hard to tell whether they are understanding a situation or not. He may be "experimenting" - that is, he's looking for a reaction - without understanding what the reaction means - and got one, and is now trying to see if it will keep happening if he repeats the behavior.

Basically, it might be a combination of a Theory of Mind deficit (mindblindness - it doesn't occur to him that his sister might have feelings about his behavior) and a communication problem (he doesn't understand her response or your explanation.) This is why a consistent response is so important: if he's learning by experimenting, the cause and effect are what he is looking for. Maybe the thinking goes something like this: pull sister's hair>sister makes noise and faces. Does it happen every time I pull her hair? Can I always get her to make that noise and face? Does it happen when I scratch, too?

You can change the progression to: pull sister's hair>sister makes noise and faces>I get removed from sister's prescence and told not to do that (which I presumably he doesn't like? You do need to be careful that he isn't misbehaving purposely to get time alone; that sometimes happens.)

You might also want to carefully point out and label his sister's facial expressions and sounds as being sad and fearful; see if you can draw a comparison to a time when he was crying or afraid. (e.g. "do you see how your sister has tears on her face and the corners of her mouth are turned down? That means she is sad and scared. Remember when there was that really loud noise and you were scared? You didn't like that, it made you feel bad, and you showed us by crying and frowning. Your sister is showing you that she doesn't like it when you hurt her because it makes her feel bad. If she shows you that, you need to stop what you are doing."

Keep in mind that it will take time and repetition for him to make these connections.

Now that my son is older, I am able to frame TOM issues by finding a congruent situation and offering a comparison. For instance, when I'm distracted he sometimes sneaks around and takes/uses things he's not supposed to; I ask him how he would feel if I waited until he was distracted to sneak into his room and take his stuff. We then discuss appropriate consequences (what would he want from me if I did that to him.) He's a teenager now, though, and his understanding of language is considerably more developed than it was when he was three.

Momsparky -
SUCH great advice to try, thanks! It certainly does seem to be a combination of TOMS (new to me - thanks for the information) and communication. No matter how one (his sister or adult) reacts to his behavior he just smiles....like he is entertained. He looks kind of blank, which makes me suspect the doesn't get it, he's just looking for reaction.

I guess I have already started with a similar approach. First, I comfort her and give her the attention and reaction, instead of him. He does not seem to like that. Then I will ask him, "Do you like it when someone hits you?" (Sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says no.) Would you like it if she hit you?" Again, sometimes he says yes, sometimes no. I have also been doing similar role playing when we do floor play with dolls or other figures. I will try to be consistent and get others to be as well. GREAT INFO an ADVICE! THANKS SO MUCH

...?

My pleasure - good luck! It can be a lot to wrap your head around - my son got in constant trouble in elementary school for "not being sorry" - he had no idea what that looked like, and often would smile, because a charming smile works in most situations. In many cases, the way to approach things is to assume there is some kind of disconnect or miscommunication, and work from there.