cannot be composed enough

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My daughter kept to my side most of a 50th celebration at a bar. One of her uncles has a physical disability, his hand is clenched in a tight fist ball and does not unlock. He needs modifications to a car if he is to drive.
If you saw my daughter you might say she is only very shy. All her aunts and uncles know she is on the autism spectrum with a diagnosis of aspergers and still this uncle I described above insists that he wished she would not be so shy and if only he could pop his eye out, she might smile or laugh. How condescending?

Her issues are in her mind and not visible, she is just very very quiet in public.

Her aunt she barely knows made an effort to talk to daughter and daughter said that she likes maths and psychology and her aunt said those are boring subjects. Fine she can have her opinion, but did she have to on this occasion? Get to know my daughter first before you drop your thoughts on her.

If I had of reacted the way I felt about thisI would have lost all composure, I did say she likes it though.
This aunts job is in education processing special exam arrangment applications for people who have needs.

Not sure where my post is with this. I am furious at people who dont respect what they dont understand or cant see.

uncomposed version-- Yes, we can see your hand and you have a slight disability but you need to know and undertstand not everyone who is struggling with something is going to be obvious, ( I would have had too much emotion saying this to him) I need to work on this.

Granted I am not especially afraid of confrontation, but I would have said something to the uncle at the very least. To me the aunt's statement, while rude, is not as bad as what the uncle said, because although her statement was rude, i think it at least has the potential to be a learning experience for the daughter in that you can explain (later) how rude it is to tell someone his/her interests are boring and explain how the aunt maybe could use some practice at perspective-taking. >)

As far as the uncle, I would have probably said something to the effect that it is not your daughter's job to keep him entertained, and that she is just fine as she is.

I used to feel very bothered around family who looked at my children and seemed uneasy, or seemed to judge them as less than. It's hard when other people don't appreciate our precious children!!

As to whether you say anything, and what, maybe suggest what you'd like them to do, but I might just head toward other people who'd help me feel the appreciation I want to for how precious my kids are as it reliably gets me upset interacting with people who don't appreciate my kids.

Then again we rarely see family so my way might not be the best.

I would have been annoyed with the uncle. I know this is cruel, but I would have felt like saying "yes, and I wish your hand wasn't so clenched. Maybe if we do some deep breathing to relax it will loosen right up!" Then, when you saw the shock on his face, you could say "she can no more control her neurology than you can your hand. I would hope that as a fellow person with a disability, you would have a better understanding of what it feels like to be judged."

I, personally, wouldn't have been bothered by the aunt's statement, per se. Different people find different topics boring. I think it is helpful for anyone to understand that not all people will share your interests, because it also helps kids see that although they might not find something interesting, someone else might. I would, however, have not been pleased to have a family member do something that might discourage reciprocal conversation, ykwim?

Although I feel my family is really supportive, they sometimes say things that leave me shaking my head. Then I just remind myself it is because they don't understand. I do think there are certain things in life that you cannot fully appreciate unless you have direct experience. Usually, their statements are thoughtless, not intentionally mean or disrespectful. I think that is another important thing we can teach our kids: sometimes people say and do things out of ignorance. That doesn't make them bad people, but that also doesn't mean that we have to take what they say to heart.

I don't find the uncle offensive, but that's probably because I grew up with adults constantly remarking on how quiet or shy I was, and telling me to smile. One older lady even nicknamed me "Smiley" because of my blank expression.
Uncle probably wasn't even thinking that her behavior was due to a disability, and was trying to be friendly in a dopey way.

The aunt, however, is a different story. You don't tell kids (or anyone) that their interests are boring, duh!

If I could, though, I'd rather show my child (if it were me) that I could get past being upset and not hold onto feeling agitated. She will be faced with many difficult people in her lIfe, and while I wouldn't lie to her and say this didn't bother me, I'd rather she learn to not take their comments as holding too much significance. It was thoughtless of her aunt to say her topic was boring but when a child is on the spectrum, she will say things that bother people, that's going to happen shout any intent by her to upset anyone. Better she still feel she's acceptable when this happens. And how she senses her aunt is being responded to as being understanding, maybe with some disapproval that we shouldn't usually tell people what they're talking about is boring directly, or as unacceptably bad......well I think what she sees and senses will have a big impact how she sees herself and her own social mistakes.