My sons friend ... need some advice

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Hey all,

My son has a friend, they are both 7. He lives up the street. My partner is good friends with a mother at the school. Every Tuesday my son will go to his house, and every Thursday his friend will come here. Something my partner and her friend arranged.

This boys behaviour is disgusting. His dad is a low life waste of space, and he will teach his son that when he's older he is going "into the family business". He will tell his son he grows cannabis, and that his son will take over his business. This dude is some petty guy who sells £10 bags of weed. No job, no life, gambles, drinks. He teaches his son about smoking and alcohol. Teaches him words like "gangstar" and just teaches him bad stuff.

His behaviour is erratic. I know the boy enough to be able to ask him to behave in my house. But anything you ask him to do, such as "calm down", or "don't say words like that please", he will respond with "It's not fair, ok I'll break my own arm", or "I will destroy your house".

Last night he sat with my son on the xbox, and because I asked him to keep his noise down, due to it being 9pm! he started throwing a tantrum. He sat there and told my son to build a pub on minecraft so they can drink and smoke. I'm having to pull my son aside and tell him to ignore all of this. But my son picks it up. He picks up this boys tantrums and tries to copy, and ends up getting in serious trouble himself for copying his friends behaviour.

I ask my partner last night to have a word with his mom. But my partner doesn't. She will say "he's been fine", when he hasn't! So I ask my girlfriend to speak with his mom, and we get into arguments. It's like she's too scared to say anything. I'm at the point where I am going to say something, but that would cause serious problems because I can't hold my tongue.

His friend is meant to be sleeping over Sunday, but I don't want him around my child with that behaviour, especially if he doesn't listen to myself or my partner. I can't have my child grow up being influenced by this, and most of it is down to his friends Dad.

So now I'm stuck with just accepting this? Just accepting that my son will grow up around his friend and allow this disgusting behaviour in my home?

I'm being made to feel as if I'm wrong here. How? It's wrong not telling the boys mother how he's acting, because that just reinforces to this boy that his behaviour is accepted.

I don't know what to do. It appears I have no say here, and no way forward.

Any advice please? I've worked hard to raise my son, and I will not let his upbringing be destroyed because someone else can't discipline, or speak, to their children.

I think most people are familiar with the phrase, "My house, my rules." In other words, at my house my rules are followed.

I would say to whoever drops him off that you expect their son to abide by your rules. Let them know if the son cannot abide by your rules, you will be giving them a call to come pick him up (or drop him off at their house.)

Tell the boy straight out that if he does not follow your rules, he will be sent home and not able to come over anymore. My guess is that your house may be a more pleasant place, and this threat may keep him in line if he doesn't want to lose the privilege of coming to your house.

How long has this boy been coming to your house? You need to alert the parents to this problem before it looks like you are OK with it by putting up with it so long.

With the Xbox situation & Minecraft, I would shut down the whole game with a situation like that. You need to take away privileges. Even if your son loses out on a fun game because of his friend's behavior, it is necessary in order for him to see that this kind of behavior has negative consequences. Don't let the boy get away with things at your house that your son would be punished for.

If the boy has a tantrum, remove your son from the room and ignore the boy. Put the boy in time out. If he resists, get on the phone and call the parents.

You must absolutely make it real that you will not put up with this behavior.

Also, if this boy is spending the night, check to make sure he didn't bring something like pornography with him to show your son in the secret of the night. He wouldn't be the first 7yr old boy to discover the stuff, and if he acts like this re: drugs & alcohol, I wouldn't be surprised to find it.

This is not an issue of politeness, IMO. The mother bear in you must come out because you are trying to protect your son's character. Deal with it however you must, but don't let it go on unaddressed.

I am trying, but because my partner and his mom are good friends, she won't speak up. I just tried to raise the issue again and ask her to speak to his mother about yesterday, and we ended up in another argument.

The other advice though it great. I will do that from now on, i.e. turn the xbox off, and getting him to follow our rules.

I am concerned though slightly about what his mom and Dad say about me. One time I picked my son up from school, and he'd acquired a naughty sticker at school. So I asked my son why, and gave him a telling off on the way home about his actions at school. His friend and mother were walking behind, and as I turned around his friend said "My mom said you're horrible to Jake and you go over the top". His moms face went red, and I just walked off. I'm concerned that they are telling him to ignore us.

When her son gets a yellow sticker at school, it means he's been bad. It goes red, yellow, green, silver, gold. Yellow is below normal behaviour. She tells my partner "I'm not concerned at least it wasn't red". And for a time, my son started doing the same. They're in the same class. It's frustrating!

He's been coming for over a year, and his behaviour is getting worse.

No real advice just the feeling I know exactly where you are coming from. I take it you are in the UK as this friends dad is selling his weed in ££ bags.
It's hard to stick to principles and most won't thank you for it but...
I would cancel the sleepover full stop. And I would not let my child play at the friend's house. Going by the behaviour of this friend I would not even want him coming around to my house.
I have my doubt as to whether this friends mother gives a flying fart as to how you feel about the antisocial tendencies her child is exposing yours to.
You are probably stuck with accepting the situation in so far you won't get out of it without a confrontation along the way.
Like I said, no real advice, more like food for thought. Take care

No friends is better than bad friends.

A person becomes the company he keeps.

I can't even cancel it without arguments at home. We're due to move house soon, with any luck it'll be away from this area, but the problem will no doubt arise again.

Heaven forbid I mention "No friends is better than bad friends.". The response will be "Just because you have no friends doesn't mean Jake has to have non". I think I'm largely ignored in this house because every problem, regardless of what it is, is just classed as "Oh J is in a mood again. It's depression or Aspergers". Or its "They are best friends you can't keep them apart", or "We've already arranged it all now, I asked you and you was fine with it" ... yeah, but if I say no I'm forced to accept it anyway, or I'm seen as controlling. Meh.

A rock and a hard place comes to mind. It seems all I'm left with is enforcing "my house my rules".

I think you need to set some priorities. Is it more important to you to remove a negative influence from your son, or to keep an amicable relationship with your partner? Your partner is clearly choosing to keep an amicable relationship with her friend and not you. Sounds like this is more than just your son's friend being a bad influence. I hope that you can come to a resolution that you are comfortable with.

If it were me, I'd put my foot down, and anyone who wants to be upset about it, can just be upset about it. Kid's need comes first.

This is really entirely a problem between you and your partner.

You need to talk to her about why she thinks this is OK. You have some deep disagreements about basic values. Maybe my perspective is warped, but this seems a deep enough fracture to end a relationship.

If you can come to a shared understanding about those things, then how to deal with your son and her friends will follow, but without that understanding you can't really do anything effective.

I would do whatever you have to do to sort it out with her first, then you can help your son get over the bad influence with or without her help.

I second everything said. Kids learn quickly that there are different rules at different places, and feel more secure with loving boundaries. Kind but firm.

I would concentrate on the move.
If you have no set plans where you are moving take the lead and look into decent areas with at least half decent schools. I have no trouble being confrontational if my principles are involved and I would confront my partner regarding their seeming indifference towards the antisocial tendencies she is exposing your son to and appeal to their common sense insofar you want your child to have better people to look up to than what he has now. Even more so at his age. It's about role models and values and like others have said, this is a relationship problem over anything else.
On the other hand if a confrontation with your partner is really not an option I would suggest you teach your son about double standards on a level he can understand. My own daughter had to learn at a very young age about those. She had a playmate living downstairs whose mother would feed him pork sausages whilst his dad was a staunch muslim. So glad they moved away to the other side of town before our daughter was older and made real friends with this child.

^^^^This. All of this. This is your problem, right here. If your partner is discounting your (very legitimate) concerns and prioritizing this friendship with the other boys' mom over your feelings and the well-being of you child then this issue will recur in other ways. Trust.

Gaslighting, and referring it back to your social issues is not a productive thing for your partner to do. Even if your child also has these issues (may even more so, in that case) is not a reason to put up with any old friendship. Valuing oneself separate from relationships ---both platonic and non-platonic---is an important lesson for your child to learn. Even if your child is cool with this friendship, sometimes kids need their parents to set rules, and i think yours are actually very moderate.

I would flat-out not allow this. I'd take my kid to a hotel whenever the "friend" came over if that's what I needed to do. Your partner needs to put her child's needs above her own desire for friendship or a babysitter or whatever she's getting out of the arrangement.

To add to some really good advice you already got, rather than let yourself dwell this 7 year old is talking to you how awful and over the top you are, can you use that to talk to your son about dealing with people appropriately?

I think it's really quite inappropriate the other little boy repeated what his mother said to you, so much even his mother was turning red. Whatever the reason, whether he's got no rules and doesn't respect adults or lacks social skills (seems like it) you can still talk to your child about this and the boys other behavior, ask what he thinks about the child repeating that private comment (I'm assuming your child overhears the occasional negative comment at home he should learn not to repeat) and maybe talk to your child about how his friend doesn't seem to be getting the guidance you want to give him so he knows how to behave that helps get things going well for him in life. Without ever putting his friend or the parents down if you can help it, but saying your values matter. Because they do.

You have to set firm ground rules in YOUR house.

If the other kid doesn't want to follow those rules, out he goes!

If he's allowed to be a punk at 7, imagine what he'll be like at 15!

I will third this. I'm not clear if the child is also your partner's child? That said, you are legally in the right here: it is against the law pretty much everywhere to use controlled substances around children.

Break things down for your partner this way: you don't want your child involved in any illegal activity, real or implied. The law is being broken at this other child's house, so your child will not go there. Period. When the other child is at your house, he will not discuss or try to play illegal activity. Period.

If your partner says this is unreasonable, explain that the law is on your side - if it were, indeed, unreasonable then a majority of people would vote to remove the law. Explain also that breaking these kinds of laws in particular are unsafe - they open the door to all kinds of possibilities, including police violence and gang violence. And you DO have a say - you can report illegal activity to the authorities, especially if you feel your child's safety is at risk. It may be helpful to you to write everything down so you have notes to refer to.

You can say that your compromise is that your child can continue a relationship with this other child provided that the relationship happens in your home only, and that the other child goes back home whenever the rules are broken; otherwise, for your child's safety, you don't want a relationship with this other family at all. You need to be the one to set the rules with the other family - don't wait for your partner to do it, just tell her that's how it is going to be.

If you like, you can try writing a letter to the other family. State the facts calmly - say that you aren't comfortable having your child exposed to the use of controlled substances and intoxicants, either in the environment or in play. Explain that you would like to host any get-togethers from this point forward, and that you expect their child to follow your rules about play while at your house.

Be prepared that your partner may not like this and may not agree - but you need to decide what is more important. IMO, your child's safety and well-being trump everything else.

Your son's friend is a thuglyfe you can't do nothing.