Tools for 8 year old to deal with Teasing/unkindness

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In order for use to get more information about what went on at school during the day, we have started asking our 8 year old PPD-NOS daughter ," What are 3 good things that happened today and one not so good thing?" Today she said ," I was a good problem solver." So I asked her what type of problem she solved. She said, " Rocco was mean to me and said i was weird when I flapped my hands. Then I told Mrs . Mullins ( the lunchroom monitor) and Rocco lied and said he didnt do it. So I moved away from him to a different seat." I told her how proud I was of her for handling the problem so well and not coming unglued. (She was tearing up just talking about it) So here is the deal- Her teacher knows about it as well as the lunchroom monitor so I feel pretty good that they will both keep an eye out for future interactions between the 2. She framed the response as something good because she found a was to solve the problem, so she wasnt hyper focused on the mean comment. These are good things. I just wish i knew some sort of phrase I could give her to say to other kids who tease her. I dont want her to stoop to their level and tell them some fault of theirs, but rather some sort of phrase that reassures HER that she isnt weird- or that weird is ok, that she can say to the other kid to make them re-think. I dont know if that exists, but I figured I ask other people who may have been in the same position. Thoughts?

I have had a hard time helping my 7 year old (suspected ASD) with this. My other child, I told him to say back: " ok", or "thanks for sharing" when kids weren't nice, but he was able to deliver the social nuances with those replies.

My 7 year old will usually cry or yell "No I'm not!"

It did help him a little when I explained to him that just because someone *thinks* something about you, it doesn't mean it's actually *true*. We have had a lot of discussions about perception. I told him that many people are afraid of anything they see as different because they are feeling insecure in their world, and that fear makes people lash out and warps their judgment. So, that when someone is mean and tries to make you feel bad, it's actually that *they* are feeling bad.

I say these things in more kid friendly terms, and it is an ongoing discussion because he is still trying to grasp the idea, but it helps him to know that it's not a "fact" that he's weird just because they say so.

I like the "Thanks for Sharing" comment. May have to work with her on that one.

I found some helpful suggestions here:http://micheleborba.com/blog/bully-proofing-strategies-for-kids/

Question it.“Why would you say that?” “Why would you want to tell me I am dumb or fat or whatever and hurt my feelings?”

Send a strong “I Want” message.“I want you to leave me alone” or “I want you to stop teasing me.” The trick is to say the message firmly so that it doesn’t sound wimpy.

Shrug it off. Some girls have this one nailed. It’s a shrug of the shoulder with a great “who cares?” look, and then a “walk off.”

Turn it into a compliment. “Hey, thanks. I appreciate that!” “That was really nice of you to notice.” “Thanks for the compliment.”

Agree. “You’ve got that right.” “One hundred percent correct!” “Bingo, you win!” “People say that a lot about me.”

Bully: “You’re dumb.” Child: “Yeah, but I’m good at it.”

Bully: “Hey, Raghead.” Child: You’re right. I’m an Arab and proud of it.”

Say “So?” “So?…Whatever.” “So?…Who cares.” “So?…And your point is?” If your child likes this strategy, be sure to read the book, The Meanest Thing to Say, by Bill Cosby. It nails the strategy.

Use manners. “Thanks.” “Thank you for that comment.” “I appreciate that.” but say it so it sounds sincere and then turn and walk away.

Use sarcasm. “Like I would care?” “Give me a break.” “Oh, that’s just great.” The “look” has to match: rolling your eyes and walking away can do the trick. This works usually only for older kids who understand sarcasm.

Ignore it. Walk away without even a look at the teaser, pretend the tormentor is invisible, glance at something else and laugh, look completely uninterested or pretend you don’t hear it. This one works best if your child has a tougher time delivering verbal comebacks. It also works best in places where your child can escape his tormentor such as on a park or playground. It doesn’t work in closed quarters such on a school bus or cafeteria table.

Be amazed. “Really? I didn’t know that.” “Thanks for telling me.” Sounding like you really mean it is the trick to the delivery.

Express displeasure. “Cut it out.” Or “I don’t like it.” Stress that your child should just tell what he wants to happen, “Stop it, would ya?” but don’t express feelings “”That makes me mad.” Or “I really get upset when you do that.” Bullies enjoy the victim being upset so halt the feeling, just name what you expect.

Make fun of the teasing (not the bully). Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find, suggests that victims answer every verbal tease with a reply but not tease back. The verbal harassment often stops, Franekl says, because the kid lets the tormnetor know he’s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says: “You’re stupid.” The child says a rehearsed comeback, such as “You don’t say.” Once again, the delivery is crucial: it must be rehearsed and said with as minimum of emotional heat as possible.

I don't think most of these would work on a kid bully. They're too "adult", too understated. And many of them make use of sarcasm, which can be difficult for a kid with ASD to use effectively.

Does anyone still use "I know you are, but what am I?" (Sorry - I know it's childish.)

It is important to remember that a bully is seeking to build a sense of power. If you are in a protected environment or able to protect your self, then laughing that only the weak need to bully to feel powerful is the best way to get it to stop. If they can not say that to the bully, they should say it to them self as they respond.