Single Parent

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Im just wondering how many other parents out there are doing it alone? And how you get by? Are you yourselves on the spectrum? Are you actively dating? Or is it just all you can do to get through the day just to be there for your kids NT or ND?

I'm in the process of separating from the father of my kids, and it's all going very calmly and rationally so far. But I don't know how I'll handle it if and when he moves out!

I guess I asked the wrong questions.... Feeling stupid for asking now.

I think it's a very proper and pertinent question.

It's difficult to answer because many of us have never experienced single parenthood (myself included).

Don't worry. You'll get responses.

Nah, it's just that this subforum can sometimes be a bit slow, and many people may not reply because they are in a different situation (are not single, or are not parents). I didn't reply because I am not a parent at all so I don't think I'll have anything useful to say.
Just give it some time, I know there are quite a few single parents on this forum.

Yes- I did not answer because I'm not a single mom, so don't feel qualified to offer advice. But, there is nothing wrong with your questions. I would guess that you'll have to really tighten up your daily routine. I know when my husband goes away, I become much more aware of the things he specifically takes care of- because they suddenly aren't happening anymore . I know my husband going away is not close to the same thing as being a single parent- but that's what I thought of. My sister is a single mom to three. She does date. Her apartment is always a little messy, and she can't always get everything done- but she has learned to be ok with that. Her ex barely visits, but I think it goes much smoother if your ex is more involved and you still co parent despite the split.

I didn't answer before because I'm not really single anymore but they're not bad questions. I was single for about 2 years so I'll answer for that time. I'm still mostly single (it's complicated) but not enough to count I don't think.

I identify was neurotypical, although I have some ADHD-ish traits. It was hard, but not as hard as it is often made out to be, I thought- maybe because I already did a lot of this stuff on my own anyway. I found it lonely most of all. My house was a bit messier. Also, I think we ate slightly more junk (not a lot more but you know…mama doesn't have time to do everything). Life is busy but it was always busy.

I did not actively date, did not have a babysitter or the time, and honestly I can't imagine that any man would want to date me. Mum in her forties with two disabled older children who will likely live with her forever, getting an average of 2 hours of sleep her night, cleaning up smeared poop, and deal with toddler-like behaviour for eternity. I mean, I sleep on an air mattress on the floor in front of the door so that my son does "escape"…what man is going to want to join me? I didn't have the time anyway. But I think any woman who manages to find a new partner - all the power to them. I'm not opposed to single mothers dating.

Good luck! It's great that it's going calmly and rationally…I think that's half the battle really.

Hi F10ona1,

Single mom here. DS sees his dad about 2 days a week, so I do get a break. Are you going to do the coparenting-thing?
My 1st advice: get everything in writing, make a waterproof contract between the two of you, include clauses that state he needs to be present on IEP meetings, counseling meetings, split costs for every service your kids need, etc. It's great you guys are able to keep calm, but just get it in writing anyway.

I never got a Dx, but I self-diagnose myself somewhere in the twilight zone. I scored a perfect 100 on the Aspie quiz. Slightly higher on Baron's questionnaire, but I don't like that one. I mainly have sensory issues, earplugs are my best friends. And I like routine and predictability. Which is perfect, since that's what my Aspie son needs as well.

The only downside, I guess, is that I regularly am disappointed with his teachers, his family, my friends, since they Just.Don't.Get.It. I also struggle with the fact that people will always look at the mom as a usual suspect when the kid is a little difficult, and of course they get plenty of 'ammo' doing so, because I'm a little more different from the other moms than the usual different. And being single doesn't help your credibility, so make sure your ex is still on the same page when it comes to school meetings and stuff.


Nope. Don't want to either. Personal thing. I don't see how it would be impossible, though, in terms of time, but again, make sure you have a good schedule between you and your ex.


By just doing it. You'll be amazed at what you can do. Just be kind to yourself, and please ditch the 'should's'. You can't eat from the floor at my place, and currently, all the close are washed, on a pile, in the bedroom . I refuse to compare with couples families. They have twice as many hands! Also on other levels, try not to compare. The great thing about being a single parent is that you are the boss, you decide, so don't ruin that by letting other people's opinions or standards bring you down.

Personally, I have two 'modes': the 'Jason Bourne mode', for moments and periods when things get rough. In this mode I am rigorous, efficient and rather defensive. I just do it. And then there's the 'grandma mode', in which I am a lot more loving and compassionate towards myself and others. This one also allows me not to go crazy when I hear friends nagging about non-problems, or complaining about their lives that aren't so hard .

Also; treat yourself. You are going to do the work of two people, and you're not going to get credited for that every day, so do it yourself. Pat yourself on the back after every day, reward yourself with whatever it is you like. You are going to kick ass, and you darn well deserve a regular treat for that!!

Look at it this way; you are going to be part of a group of people who are parenting 'on the next level'. It will be hard, but it will be rewarding and honorable. You don't have to be perfect, or be superwoman. But it helps imagining yourself with a cape once and a while.

How much time do you spend away from your child when pursuing a new relationship?

How long do you "feel the waters" before making a decision to continue in the relationship?

And at what stage do you introduce your child(ren)?

Once introduced, how often do you involve them?

Thanks for your replies.

My ex didn't come to any meetings anyway and was never involved in chasing up services, therapies etc. It'd be weird if he started coming now, not that I would discourage him if he showed an interest. But he never does.

I'm not looking to start dating right away. I feel so awkward around men now. I'm self diagnosed (since my son got his official diagnosis last June) we've got so many similar traits it's like we have a psychic connection, and I scored quite high on the Aspie quiz. So making a conversation about anything other than autism is hard for me right now!

I can't imagine introducing a new man into my children's lives. It'd be too confusing for all of us at this stage at least.

I read a couple of blogs recently that said basically single parents of autistic kids have to pretty much say goodbye to a love life. Because when their date hears they have a child with autism they almost always don't hear from them again!

On the good side, it's a way to weed out the guys who aren't worth your time!

Well said. If that's how they react, good riddance I say.

I have not participated in many discussions but I am a single parent. I was married for over ten years and we divorced shortly after our son was born. My son does not see his father (his fathers decision) at all and I do not receive any type of child support or any type of government support (meaning I spend a lot of time on work).

As for dating: my son is now five and I have never once dated. He is with me 24/7 except for preschool/daycare while I am at work (he often even has to come with me when daycare is closed) and any family lives too far away and he's "too much" for them to handle.

To be honest, I work full time plus (over 50 hours) and do not receive any help (meaning no father involved and no family near by) so I am often exhausted and really not interested in dating because my time is spent taking son to additional therapy after my work and his daycare.

Also, any other time spent out of work is usually spent on taking son to his activities and his sports or just taking a walk together (very high energy). Son is already in daycare/preschool aprx 40 hours a week while I am at work so therefore I can not see having a sitter at home (or afford one either as where I am at childcare is over 1200.00 a month and I do not qualify for assistance). My son had some other medical issues and I have a lot of medical bills of his to pay off.

My "friends" who are single parents and live elsewhere who date are mostly co-parenting (children visit the other parent a few times a month) or have family close by that help out or have much older children. I don't see it possible in my situation, but others seem to make it work. I am not really interested in dating as I have other priorities right now. Maybe once my son is much older but I doubt it.

I'm not "against" single mothers or single fathers who date, but I often do wonder how they have the energy or time (even parents with children who do not have autism) especially when children are younger. I have some friends who are single parents to children who do not have autism and they date and play house with their new love, yet do not have their children in activities or sports or do too much with them (example science museums, zoos, etc) and sadly seem more interested in their own life and their new love. (My observation from the people I personally know). When they call or text me it's about stuff I can't even relate to (meaning such simple things they feel are problems). I guess having a child with autism made me not feel connected to anyone, even life long friends.

For the question am I diagnosed myself: no, not officially.

For the question how do I cope: I keep trying day after day and self journaling helps sometimes and reading some of these discussion boards help sometimes even if I do not often participate in a lot of them, walking outside if I get the chance due to time (work) & sons appointments, weather, or sons behavior. Any type of physical exercise seems to help a little for me.
It is not easy somedays. I feel as if I have more bad days then good days. I thought things would get easier by now, but unfortunatly it has not. Please do not get discouraged by what I wrote though, because I have seen others to go on having fabulous lives.

Hope everything goes well for you and keep your head up. I know that divorce can be a stressful time.

i'm a single mom. i am not yet diagnosed, waiting on an evaluation, but my mind was completely blown when i discovered the different display in women. it's definitely difficult. you are not alone in feeling this way. it is incredibly difficult. i was in a long term relationship with a someone who started as a longtime friend. parenting well with one child takes a lot of dedication. i felt at times i couldn't do both. i know, and am told, that it's important to have a support system. i find it hard to develop one. i'm very lucky to be closely bonded with my son. but yes....i feel your struggle op