Talking to my son about switching schools

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My son got accepted into a school for kids on the spectrum. The school seems like a great fit for him. He has been picked on incessantly in his public school, and there are too many kids in the school for the school to give him the support he needs. He is constantly in sensory defensive mode in the public school. He visited this new school twice and loved it. When he walked in the class on his 2nd visit, he said: " I'm so glad to be back, the kids are so much nicer here than at my school." However, when I told him he could go to that school, he started panicking about the change. He does have one friend at the public school (a really good friend), and he does not want to be separated from his friend. However, my husband and I feel he needs to switch. We see him shutting down and getting angry and depressed in the public school. My son, though, insists that he stay.

Do any of you have suggestions about how to approach this with him? We have to act fast, and my husband and I are making the decision to move him. I know he will be happier there, I know he will thrive. I don't know how to help him feel more at ease with the transition.

Thanks.

What if you arranged a regular play date day with his friend. If both of your kids would have one day a week after school that is free from other activities, they could alternate going to each other's houses on that day as a regular thing. Maybe if there was sort of a guarantee (barring illness, etc.) that he could see his friend he would feel better? Do they do any other after-school activities together?

Congrats on getting him into a school that looks good. That's awesome.

My son is entering a program next year that will take him away from his friends, who are all going to regular HS. What has helped the most is 1) making arrangements that he will be able to see his friends (there are 4 of them) on a regular basis once he starts the new school, and 2) reminding him that his academic needs are going to be better met, in an environment that will NOT likely include the jock-style bullies who love to push his buttons at school.

The thing that sucks the most about being a parent is sometimes you have to do what is best for your kid, even if they disagree. Change is a scary thing to all kids, but even moreso for kids on the spectrum. However, sometimes the change is necessary and will eventually be good. Sometimes we need to know when to push, even if the kid resists. Just stay strong and confident in your belief that this is what is best. Once he gets through the transition, he will likely come around to your view. You just need to be patient while he gets there.

Thanks,

WelcomeToHolland,

Unfortunately, we have not even been able to set up one playdate with his friend. His mother (who is super nice) has 3 other kids, and they are all in Girl Scouts/ Boy Scouts, religious education classes, sports, etc. They also have a really tight knit extended family, and there are ALWAYS family activities. So, they really only see each other at school. This kid is her youngest. However, if I explain the situation to his mother, she will probably really try to make it work.

InThisTogether,

Yes, I feel really bad moving him- but I really feel it is better for him in the long run. The kids at this new school are much nicer and easier for my child to connect with. The parents all make efforts to set up regular playdates and make sure all kids get playdates. They have all felt heartbroken with their own children's social rejections prior to being at this school, and have really made a strong community. My son is actually really outgoing and social by nature, he just does not understand typical social rules, pick up on social cues or have the same conversational skills. He also stims and has emotional outbursts, and has been rejected and made fun of by many of the kids in the public school. He really does not want to make a change or leave his friend, but he will be so much more accepted and supported in this new place. I just wish I could help him see that now. If we get the legal stuff sorted (getting him deferred by the public school), he can start in July- which is soon for him.

Sorry for the last response! I have been overwhelmed trying to figure out our exact legal rights to get him deferred. I don't know about other places, but in NYC you can get funding for a private school setting if the public school can not accommodate your child's needs. The special ed team at the public school is pushing back and giving me false info. They are going to put up a fight, and our meeting is Wednesday.

I would also work on selling the pros to your son, because you do want it to feel to him like his choice.

Let him know that you fully understand how difficult it will be in the transition, but that sticking with a bad choice (his current school) will, long run, do much more harm than making one difficult transition. He has to gear up to face it. Remind him that you fully believe in his ability to make friends and thrive, and how much difference it makes for people to finally be in the right place for themselves. Try to come up with examples he can relate to, that will help him get over his nervousness's about making a change, to show him how much difference being in the right school (or group, or team, or family) can make.

I held back on a change we should have made with my son way back when he was little, and I wish I had not. Once we were out of that situation, it was night and day. Fortunately, we never faced anything like it again but, if I had, I would not have hesitated. We have kids that CAN thrive, CAN be happy, and CAN be accepted.

It sounds like you're making the right decision to move your son; as a public school special ed teacher, I'm really disappointed that your current school system isn't supporting you.

Perhaps you can remind your son that this school will be better for him from the first day; this school will likely be more supportive and understanding of how hard it might be for him to make that switch. He most certainly won't be their first rookie transfer, and they'll know how to help him settle in. It might comfort him if he knows that. If you have the time and resources, find out as much as you can about what those first days will be like, whose class he'll be in, the similarities and differences he'll see, etc., and make a sort of preview book with as many relevant pictures as you can get in it. It may be more reassuring than words alone because he can carry it around with him and refer to it whenever he wants. If the school provides any goodies with the name and mascot on it, like pencils or tee shirts, perhaps that would help him feel a greater sense of belonging. You'll have to be the judge of how much to present and when, but you can tuck them away in the house so you'll be ready to give him a little treat whenever the time seems right. Naturally, a peek at the school's website could be a handy tool, too.

Last July, a graduate of my preschool class (he was in the second grade in 2014) was among many children who had their summer session in our school, and I could tell that his family had prepared him for the change. In fact, when I greeted him at the front door, he spread his arms wide with a big smile on his face, and said heartily, "Welcome to the school!" He didn't remember me, but he obviously expected to have a great time in this "new" place.

I only wish we could've spent more time getting reacquainted.

Thanks DW_a_mom and KimD.

I did find out that the mother of the one friend of my son's wants to pull him out of the ICT class next year because she thinks that he is picking up bad habits from some of the other boys who are in that class. This means that there would be no way my son and this kid will be in the same class. So, this might help him want to go to the other school.

I will try to talk up the positives. I think I will focus on how many playdates he will have at the new school. Yes, I do think he is capable of thriving, if he is in the right setting.

The pictures are a great idea. I can make some social stories about it. The new school is really great about sending their own social stories as well. I'm sure they will send him one about his new teachers, the name of his class, schedule, etc.

KimD, his teachers and therapists in the school are being supportive about him moving to another school. It's the school psychologist who disagrees. He has never even met my son, but he does not want to defer him. He does not think social/ emotional needs are enough to make a case for deferring him. But, the teachers/ therapists will provide documentation and I will proceed with an impartial hearing. It's too bad it couldn't be easier.