"Can I call you Dad?."-Z's story

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Goku here it is.

Greetings, One and All,

Call me Sar. I have a wife, call her Cor. We are the hopelessly proud parents of a boy Z, age 10, and a girl S, also 10. No, they are not twins, but, read on and you will understand.

I first met Z when he was about 7 months old. I worked with Cor [ she was my boss, come to think of it she still is ] and her son, SCT, who happened to be Z's father. Z seemed to be a typical child, cute like all babies, alert , active, and had no interest in bladder control. He had a good bond with SCT and Cor but not with his mother. Even I could hold him and calm him when he went into one of his explosive fits, yes, they had started even then.

Over the next year SCT moved on to another job but I was kept informed about Z's progress. He spoke his first word, a very clear Mom, by which he meant Cor. She has been Mom ever since. He never walked, started running at 10 months and hasn't stopped. his biological mother eventually became "Mommy" but only after extensive coaxing, but SCT was always "Daddy". Signs of neglect started to appear whenever Z was left with Mommy. A suspicious burn appeared on Z's arm. SCT also began showing cuts and bruizes while his wife was always picture perfect. Z's parent's separated when he was 16 months old and SCT sued for custody. Z's "Mommy" moved him to another state and reports came in that she would leave the child locked in his room while she went on dates, sometimes for over 24 hours. Z's Daddy was killed in a constructtion accident when Z was 20 month's old. At the funeral "Mommy" Put Z in SCT"s coffin to "say goodbye", Z' remembers. To make this short Cor received full custody when Z was almost 2 years old.

I came back into the picture when Cor could not find a baby sitter for her "difficult" child and brought him to work with her. At this time I became "uncle" to this fascinating child. We ran an on-site food service for a major construction project and Z became the mascot to a few hundred hard bitten construction workers, getting his own hard hat, safety vest and goggles, all appropriately sized. I "had feelings" for Cor but work ethics prevented me from expressing them. Cor remarried, not me, was transferred to a new site and I left the company. I had no further contact with them for well over a year.

Cor's new husband turned out to be an abusive, alcoholic felon on the run. He made the mistake of threatening Cor and Z. Cor did some research and he was serving time. Oh, the marriage ended too.

Some mutual friends put us back in touch with each other. I started visiting Cor and Z, just friends you understand. Z no longer seemed to be the typical child, at four he was counting to 100, doing simple math, learning to read, hyper active and socially a couple of years behind schedule. He was also subject to unexplainable almost violent tantrums and rages. He was in therapy but no diagnosis was forthcoming because "it is very diffucult to diagnos a child this young". We switched Doctors.

Cor and I were also discussing making our relationship permanent, but were concerned how Z would handle it. He had had enough separations in his life and would he think I was taking Mom away from him? He solved our problem. He was still four and I was visiting for dinner one evening. Z climbed on my lap, played with my beard and said "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course", I answered used to answering his surprisingly mature questions.

"Can I Call you Dad?"

I looked at Cor, she had tears in her eyes and was dumbfounded. I wiped my eyes, dust or something, men don't cry, and replied, "If you want to you may, but that means I will be Dad and give you hugs and kisses when you need them and swats on the rear when you need them."

Z was quiet for a minute, thinking. "OK," he said, "I'll call you Dad, but you have to come live with us first." A few months later, after I moved my things in and the necessary ceremonies were completed Z asked, "Are you moved in now?" When I said yes he said "Good, now you're Dad." I have been ever since.

Z was five then, I was 52. Our family has had its ups and downs, He was diagnosed ADHD by his new psychiatrist at 5. He was the first one who said, this is a very complex child and we need to look at other possibilities. Aspergers was listed as one of these. Unfortunately the doctor was was found murdered and Z took it hard. We started again and received a diagnosis of Asperger's when Z was 8. That was the same year that S came to live with us. She is Z's "sister-cousin", possibly ADD, shows signs of dyslexia, and dealing with abuse issues, 'nuff said. They have been very good for each other, He helps her academically and she helps him socially.

Since Z's diagnosis he has made great progress both in understanding himself and in the areas of social skills and self control. All "satisfactorys" on his last two report cards. HOORAY! S has progressed from being two years behind academically to being on level and straight A's on her last report card.

Cor and I don't plan on having any more children. Thanks for reading. If you want to tell me your story I would love to hear it.

Goku, you promised.

I always liked happy endings. Z's a lucky kid to have you. I hope he's forgotten his early years and "Mommy" is permanently out of the picture.

My story pales in comparison but since I promised....

M was born with microcephaly. We were told that he was brain dead and would need to be institutionalized. I don't really remember much after that.

Following that news came a stay in the NICU and many, many procedures, expert evaluations, etc. - he was literally examined inside and out (microcephaly means small head but generally that comes with lots of other problems.) In the end, they found nothing else wrong but left us with the comforting thought that something would happen eventually and the longer it took to present, the better off he would be.

M was the first born on both sides of the family and none of our friends had kids yet, so there wasn't anyone to compare his development to but he seemed pretty advanced to me. People used to say how lucky I was. He was the most alert baby I still have ever seen. His eye contact was commented on constantly. He spoke before 1 year, ran at 10 months, interacted with everyone he met and was extremely charming and outgoing. He was also very active.

My parents got him a tire for his first birthday since we spent hours in parking lots touching the wheels. This was the first odd thing I noticed. He loved to watch cars drive by and could name all the brands by the logos. He also loved going to construction sites. But his interests were varied, dinosaurs, cars and trucks, sports, books, etc....

Around 3, he started the temper tantrums, the rituals, the anxiety and fears. His language wasn't progressing as quickly either. I questioned his ped who said there's nothing wrong - after all, he remembered the name of the otoscope from last visit.

He wasn't completely toilet trained so we waited until he was 4 before we enrolled him in preschool. It was during the first teacher conference that his motor skills were questioned (social skills were not mentioned as an issue). I immediately called the ped and he gave us a referral to a dev ped who evaluated and found delays in fine and gross motor skills. She recommended OT/PT. We decided to go through the county's early intervention (EI) program. He was enrolled in a preschool setting where he received therapy and we also kept him in the reg preschool at the same time.

During that year, he came down with some GI bug that he couldn't shake and ended up hospitalized for 10 days due to dehydration. Of course they couldn't identify the microorganism and decided he had ulcerative colitis. He was followed by a ped GI guy for a while but has been asymptomatic since. I have now lost all respect for the medical field. He remembered this experience until he was 8.

It was time to transition from EI to the school district. We did a private psy ed eval which revealed adhd and possible ld in visual perceptual motor domain. He was placed in a self-contained sped learning support program in the public school after not finding an appropriate program in the private schools.

His difficulties persisted, progress was slow. Back to the drawing board and more doctor's visits. A neurologist dx "really bad ADHD". We tried a round of psychostimulants with and without an antihypertensive with bad results. I fired the guy. I also fired his ped.

I started researching and found autism. I thought he was on the spectrum even though his social skills were not the classic autistic profile. The rest seemed to fit well. There was definitely something not quite right with the social stuff but he was getting services at school and was placed with other PDD kids already and had made friends. He started a social skills group but hated it and refused to go.

Along came tics. A new neurologist. I questioned autism but she disagreed. The tics were not problematic for M so nothing was done.

New ped referred us to an ADHD specialist. We started talk therapy. He referred us to a ped psychiatrist for evaluation and possible medication. She saw tourettes and possible bipolar.

I went out on my own, found a neurodev ped who finally dx asperger's at 12 yo. He prescribed meds and social skills group. And here we are today (minus the meds). Still in pt ls class in public middle school and really benefitting from new social skills group. Has two good friends and loves school for the most part. Not surprisingly, he hates to go to the doctor's. Can you blame him?

Thank you for sharing, you have my respect and admiration. I don't know your views on religion but I will give a take on one of mine. It has been said God gives special children to those who can handle them, and then provides the strength to deal with whatever comes along. I believe this even though there times I wonder if that strength will arrive in time. I lost my first family and spent several years in bitterness and anger. I feel God has given me this new family with its tests and trials to show me He does still care. I can agree with your feelings about doctors, why do you think they call what they do practice? You and the others I've met here on Wrong Planet have shown me that this is not a dark and lifeless road we are travelling on but a passage filled with life and light, hope and joy and above all love for those special children with whom we share the journey. I hope others will share their stories, you all inspire me.

Thanks for your words of encouragement Corsarzs. I wish having faith in God was enough but since it's the practical help that's in short supply, I find no comfort in an abstract concept. My faith is in my son's determination to persist despite the roadblocks in his path and the knowledge that there are others out there somewhere who share my experiences. And time, of course, which blurs the past and opens the door to possibilities for hope in the future.

I suppose I'll share my story.....
first, though...the God thing....I always heard that God only gives us that which we can handle..and my reply? ...I wish God didn't think so much of me !
Both my hubby Parts and I grew up in abusive families which for our own sanity we have tried to seperate ourselves from...We had our first son when I was 22 and hubby was 24. We had very little support from family members, and all of our friends weren't even married~let alone have kids....we knew from the beginning that our son had issues~but the doc wrote off the hours of inconsolable screaming as colic. Most of son's play behaviors we wrote off as : "being just like dad". By the time he started preschool, he had a 2 year old brother. Son had lots of social issues in preschool~the teachers wrote these off as being indicative of not adjusting well to having a little brother. He wrote early, used "big words", but just struggled socially...it was alwasy his way or the highway..............We started to become more concerned about Son by the time our middle child was able to ride a bike, and Son was not. Doc told us we worried too much and that everyone develops at their own pace..........Both boys progressed over the years~eventually becoming big brothers to their sister. Son had few friends through school and was bullied horribly. things came to a head in middle school~middle school was HORRIBLE. I could go oon for days about it, but that would be an entire other post............son was dx-ed in 5th grade by his ped with social anxiety disorder...then in 7th grade by a psych~with major depressive disorder, and social anxiety disorder.....then at the end of the 7th grade by a neuropsych~with aspergers. after all of the reflecting on son's issues, hubby got up the courage to get dx-ed as well..aspergers.
daughter became having problems socially in the 1st grade...teacher wrote it off as being reflective of her home life ( this was during the middle school crisis for Son)....her 2nd grade teacher was not much help either, and just said that daughter was immature......finally had it with the teachers, and took daughter for an eval at the beginning of 3rd grade~dx-ed with ADHD hyperactive impulsive type.
it's been quite a ride ! things have been bumpy~hospitalizations, police, crazy therapists....right now, though, we're going through a smooth patch & i'm glad to have the calm.

Goku, I don't mean to preach. To me faith is what gives us our inner strength wherever we find it. You find it in your son's perserverence I find it in belief in a higher Power. There are times I question my own beliefs, why shouldn't you? Anyway this discussion is for another forum. As I read your posts in this forum I find strength from a very human source and hope I can sometimes offer you words of encouragement in return. You do have my utmost respect. Like Z says how boring it would be if we were all the same.

Forgive me if I offendedx you.

ster, I can agree with you wholeheartedly. I can only answer that at times I'm convinced that God has a rather Aspergerish sense of humor

Thank you for sharing your story. You have indeed had a bumpy ride and I think you deserve a little smooth sailing. As with Goku you have earned my respect and admiration. Thanks also for the encouragement you give me. We had a rather rough weekend with Z. No major meltdowns, just a series of minor vilcanic eruptions. At least your story has convinced me not to stuff him in a barrel until he is 18 and then decide if i should let him out or seal it for good. Ups and downs, potholes, ruts and the occaisional smooth stretch of pavement. Thanks for help crossing the rough parts.

no problem ! i'd like to hear other's stories too, though...how 'bout it folks?

So would I, can we plug this thread on other topics?

don't know

Corsarzs - I wasn't offended in the least and I didn't think you were preaching at all. It's funny how my words are interpreted. I guess I come off sounding harsh and offensive. You're missing the nonverbal stuff, though. I must be NT afterall! Or it could be the Italian in me.

We'll have to start another thread on faith. I enjoy the intellectual exercise.

Corsarzs, have you gotten my pm's? I'll try to make my story quick. My son is 10 yrs. old, dx'd in October 2006. As a baby and toddler he developed typically and I never noticed anything unusual. when he was in preschool his teacher mentioned some things to us but nothing that worried us. He went to another preschool about to go into Kindergarten and that teacher said academically he was ready but not socially. Again I didn't think too much of it not really understanding what "social" really encompassed. He started kind. at a private school and was having struggles. Teacher approached us with sensory integration dysfunction because apparently someone had come to the school and spoken about this and his teacher thought it sounded like T. OT helped a little and he got through the year but the school ended up telling us that they weren't right for my son and basically not to come back the following year. I was heart broken, I just couldn't believe it. Again at the time I had no idea how sensory intergration dysfunction could be related to Autism etc. He started 1st grade at a public school and had problems. He was tested towards the end of that year and I took the results to regular ped. who said ADHD. We did medication and it helped a little but again still issues. He got through 2nd and 3rd with the same teacher who suggested another opinion because she felt like something else was going on besides ADHD. We went to a psychiatrist who said PDD/ADHD and she referred us to TEACCH. TEACCH dx'd Asperger's and we went to a psychologist who specialized in anxiety disorders etc. who also said Asperger's. That's kind of where we are now. He is in the 4th grade, off medication and still struggling but I just try to take it day by day. I also rely on my faith and know that God is guiding me and I will be ok. Don't get me wrong I have my very bad days too but Asperger's is part of my son and to wish it away , well my son wouldn't be him anymore. It's nice to be able to read everyone else's stories and come here for support and encouragement. Thank you all for listening!! !!

Helen, good to see you here. Yes I've received two pms from you which I have saved. I have tried sending you several but am not sure they are getting through. I'll give it another shot.

Also I want to thank you for telling us about yourself and your son. I can't help but wonder why people in Education are so hesitant to recognize when a child needs special help. Z's school didn't want to place him in advanced classes, even though he was obviously academically ready, because of his "poorly developed social skills". Once we had his dx of Aspergers and contacted the school board they jumped through hoops to test him. The only area he scored low in was visual motor integration. Sound familiar? We were told that his IQ is probably higher than officially recorded because of this and that he scored off their charts in several areas and they could not make a completely accurate assessment at this time.

Keep after your son's school and make sure they follow through. You can do it, after you've lived with him for 10 years. Congratulations, we are all going to make it!

Hey, I almost forgot. You are very right AS has produced the children we know and love and without it they would completely different kids. Thanks for reminding us.

I hope no-one minds if I jot down our story here. I have found the others fascinating, I love to know people's backgrounds and see where the similarities and differences may be...

I got pregnant at 19, and the father moved in with the 50 year old woman he was cheating on me with. At 4 weeks pregnant, my relationship was over and I was never to see my boyfriend again. I had severe prenatal depression, probably just an extension of clinical depression that i'd battled for years. At 25 weeks I was taken to a Brisbane hospital and at 26 weeks 1 day gestation, gave birth via emergency c-section to a little girl who was a heifer at 2lb 3oz (1045grams).

I'd had two betmethasone injections before her birth, so her lungs were strong. Only ventilated for 24 hours and then on CPAP for a few weeks. She was on theophylline for all that time, battled typical 'healthy preemie' problems of apnoea, bradycardia, jaundice, and severe anaemia. She was discharged at 9 weeks old, coming home weighing 5lb 12oz, and 35 weeks gestational age.

At 6 months, her attention span was pretty good. She could play with one two for over 40minutes.
We had early intervention (physiotherapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy) until she was 3.5yrs old when it was declared that she was 'caught up'.

Early on she displayed tantrums that lasted for hours. Other problems emerged. Her gross motor skills didn't decline, but they are again, not up to where her peers are. Social problems developed. Her Preschool teachr just told me that she was 'more than the other childred' - a very nice way to put it.

She was dx around 2.5 weeks ago after a long battle to find out why she wasn't like the other children.

Ster, I read your post about God. I agree!
I was going to be a Nun, believe it or not, before I got pregnant (small issue I suppose in that plan) but after a while you do get the message that God has favourites amongst His 'children'. I've been saying for years that I must have killed Jesus in a previous life because bad things just follow me. I don't believe that God only gives us what we can handle...I've 'broken' a number of times undr the weight of my 'burdens' and yet it still doesn't stop. That isn't to say that I don't believe in God...I just think He might believe in me a little too much...

great story javajunkie!.....sounds like you're doing a wonderful job!

i still remember going to an open house for son's preschool, and having the teachers act out "their favorite student"~kind of like "can you guess who this is?"...i was mortified when it came time to act out my son. ....the teacher put on a helmet, grabbed one of the baby buggys and started grabbing all of the toys and putting them in the buggy~she started yelling: "that's mine! you can't play with it!".........i guess *some* people found this funny.

javajunkie, welcome to the story-tellers club. We are very happy to have you tell us your story. ster was right when she said you seem to be doing a great job. Keep up the great work. I have to agree with your child's teacher, these kids are more than other children, and add, in a very marvelous way. Let us all now how she progresses.

ster, have you considered taking a contract out on that teacher, in my dark and mysterious past I have met people who know people . [This is a joke ]