Heart Breaking Tonight for Son

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Why do kids have to be so cruel?

My son, who is 12, is in the process of being diagnosed with Aspburgers. I have thought that he may have it ever since he was 7, as I met a child with Aspburgers, more severe then him at that time, in his class, and identified strongly with him. The childs mother even suggested that perhaps my son was also effected. However, 5 years ago, in my area at least, you had to be fairly bad off to actually get "labled" with Aspburgers, much better to shove Ritalin down a childs throat, and when it shows minimum effect, and makes them tic like crazy, down it back with a dose of heart meds that can cause stroke to reduce the ticing...

Anyway, enough of that. Again, I seem to wear my life on my sleeve. As I was saying, I have thought for a long time my son was an Aspie, and now, after seeing a new doctor in January, who talked to us for over an hour, he told us, including my son, that he thinks, but is not 100% sure that my son has Asperger's.

It is a huge relief for me. However, being that it is not a 100% diagnosis right now, I am still dealing with a HUGE level of frustration with my sons school. I homeschooled him for 4 years because he did not fit, and seemed not to learn anything in the classroom environment. I was also told that he was "not worthy of extra help" until they got his behavior under control, and I was acused of "artificially propping up his intellegence". How one can do that, I still don't understand...

Anyway, my son has difficulty fitting in. What Aspie does not? He appears awkward and nervous all the time. He does not react appropreately to different situations. He seems robotic at times. Perhaps he is a little ecentric too. The main thing is, he is a nice kid, in an inner city neighbourhood of not so nice kids. Other kids smell all this like a shark smells blood! We have endured horrible bullying. We have talked to the school, while they "talk" to the problem students, (and it helps to some extent) I walk away, and my son walks away, feeling like he is blamed for being the "Problem" not the bullies! Basically, he is at a place now, where they will not diliberately make fun of him in the presence of a teacher. When the supervision is dropped though, boy do they play! He is called a freak, homo, gay, stupid, and a whole list of other insults on a daily basis, all carefully out of earshot. If he goes to change for gym, the boys become very agressive with him. He only changes in a stall now, and they will hit it, kick it, yell nasty insults at him, and basically be total jerks. He has tried to complain, the teachers won't do anything about it.

On the playground, he tried to approach a girl he "thought" was his friend. Her friend yelled at him "get away, can't you tell she does not like you" and then SPAT ON HIM! He told the recess teacher, she would not do anything! He had a meltdown in class, his class teacher called me home. SHe was somewhat sympathetic to him, but her solution was to have him leave the girls alone. Always, it is him that has to modify his behavior! She did not tell me about the spitting though, my son did 4 days after the fact. He has a very hard time with self advocacy.

A week later, he is assigned to a group with the girl who spat on him. She and her partner totally ignore every idea he presents, unless he suggests it 5 or 6 times! I can't imagine how much it hurts to be treated like you are invisible!

A new student arrived 3 days ago. Within 2 hours he was also hurling insults at him, calling him gay and telling him to go home. Hmm... Where did he learn that from? My heart just breaks!

Maybe it is harder for me because I believe I too am an Aspie. I was diagnosed with a "social disability" as a child, along with learning disabilities. Outside of my 7 year relationship with my husband, I don't have a single friend. I just hurt so much for him, because I still hurt from the abuse I suffered at the hands of peers!

Yesterday, when my son was getting changed for Gym again, the boys started it again. He was given a recorder by the school to help with his assignments. So, he turned it on to record the abuse, maybe, just maybe if a teacher HEARD what happens to him, something could be done. He presented the recording to the teacher, and HE WAS THE ONE IN TROUBLE! He was told he broke the law and to erase the message immediately! She would not even hear of the bullying! Not the recording, not his word about what happened! Now, the school has taken away the recorder.

I am so sad, and lost, and angry. I am worried he is headed for a meltdown. However, I think I am too! I have decided to not send him to school for the next two days. Next week he only has 3 days, and then we are taking a trip to my inlaws until the 18th of April.

Why do people have to be so mean? I have contacted the police, I need answers, and our police force has a liason team that liases with the schools on bully problems. Perhaps they can give us some useful information. I have a hard time believing his recording was illegal. Afterall, he only started recording when they started victimising him! How is it different from being mugged or assulted and then taking a picture of the perp with a camera phone on your person?

I am so furious, I want to yell, scream and cry, all at the same time!

his recording was definitely not illegal, not in california, anyway.

what is "illegal" is for the teacher who heard that recording to not intervene. he or she should be stripped of their credential for both saying that and taking no positive action.

i believe a lawsuit is in order. they pay attention to them - bad press is something the schools NEVER want.

I've been lurking here for a long time, but your post troubled me so much I feel that I had to post.

You need to get your child out of school NOW. He may be suicidal from all this crap and in no way is he learning anything, anyway. Don't make him go back to school tomorrow. Take a leave from your job or find another one, if you have to. Just get that boy out of that *&^% school!

Then, sue the bastards.

I know for a fact that it'll be a cold day in hell before I'd let anyone treat my son that way. They'd have to taser me to keep me from clawing the other kids' eyes out. I know you feel as angry as I do, so use that anger and roar!

This story has some familliarities in it. You don't happen to be sending your son to school in duval county FL do you? If not please disregard this mesage.

Thank you for the Quick Reply!

The teacher never even listened to the recording. She told him she would not, and made him erase it immediately as to not violate the "other students rights". Thank you for the support, it really means a lot to me.

I am hoping to be able to make them address my sons problems before it gets to the lawsuit point. I just want him to be able to attend school and walk around the neighbourhood without worrying about his safety. I know we can't Make the other kids like him, but they don't have the right to verbally assult him everyday either.

We know as a society that it is wrong to tease or pick on those with mental disabilities. We know it is wrong to target or pick on someone due to their race or religion. The school would be all over the bullies like a wet blanket if THAT was the issue.
However, it seems that it is still ok to pick on those with social differences, like they are "inviting" the problem or almost deserve it.

I am so sick of it! He deserves to be picked on, no more then a girl in a miniskirt deserves to be sexually assulted! Ok, maybe that is just the Aspie in me coming out?

Your kind words really mean a lot, thanks.

Yeah, you need to get him out of that school quick. I'd hate to say it, but homeschooling is his best option for survival right now.

Twister:

I appreciate what you say. I did homeschool him for 4 years, but it is a really complicated problem, and as much as I love him, support him, and I am cabable of teaching him (we do about 2 hours of "homework" or "reviewing and preparing because he learns nothing in class every night as it is". I don't think I can continue to homeschool him.

Being an Aspie myself, and having endured years of abuse from EVERYONE including my parents, I have a lot of emotional stuff to get through, and find that when with my son, 24/7, we nearly drive eachother to eachothers throats. Basically, I have %$% I need to work through to be a better parent.

That said, I will not send him back until I have talked to the school, police department, and come to a satisfactory resolution and assurance that the situation is being appropriately dealt with. Why is it always us that has to bend, or mold or change?

I could go on for a 100 hour right now about the "problems" I have with the school. However, being at home, I am sure is not in his best interests right now, at least not full time...

Nan, I am in Hamilton Ontario, not Floridia. I am sure though that these sorts of problems happen everywhere. I know I bounced around in over 15 schools, in 8 communities, and two provinces growing up. It seemed crappy administration and bullies found me everytime.

Ok, I only brought it up because I had problems like your son did, and we tried to sue the duval county school system and were met with fierce resistance. Those people would have been better off working out of dark alleys or for the oil industry than in education.

I can see where you're coming from. I've had similar problems (bullying ect.) Right now I'm attending Open Access, which is a school that works with students over the phone from home. If they have any schools like that in where you live, you should look into it.

The teacher never even listened to the recording. She told him she would not, and made him erase it immediately as to not violate the "other students rights". Thank you for the support, it really means a lot to me.

yeah yeah the bullies have more rights than the victim eh.

Yes, yes I agree with the other posters. DO NOT SEND YOUR SON BACK TO THE SCHOOL. I hate to paint this very grim picture but I recall a special on bullying on 60 minutes. A girl was so severely bullied she attempted suicide, it was a miracle she survived. She went for counselling but her parents put her back in the same school. the bullying only got worse. in the end she succeeded in killing herself.

You might not agree with this but personally it might help to get some media attention on this. You might try contacting your local paper and putting the fear of the Lord into that school, especially the teacher who told him to destroy it! Heads never roll quicker when there is a news story.
In the meantime I don't know what your financial situation is but are there schools that cater better to students with special needs?

Yup.

The thing is, this teacher generally likes him, and is not nearly as impossible to deal with as his "other" teacher. I am livid, don't get me wrong. However, I think she may be legitimately confused with very new changes to the Canadian Privacy Act, which prohibits Voyerism. Even myself, trying to get a handle on if this is a violation of the act or not, cannot seem to find any info online, and I have searched for hours. You are not allowed to record somewhere where they have a reasonable belief to expect privacy, in specific, a washroom. I think this is where she is getting her ideas from. However, I can't help but think if you are being assulted in a bathroom, then the rights of the victim should supercede the rights of the bully. (common sense says that, but I can't actually find it in writting!) Hence, the call to the police department today, hopefully the bullying task force will call me tomorow!

I hate this school. They spend most of their time making excuses, or coming up with reasons to tell you that you expect unreasonable things. That said, I don't think I have a lot of choices. Schools are left with the decision to take an out of catchment student, and well, they don't take problem cases I worry about the abuse, don't get me wrong. I also worry that dispite my actively trying to get my son to talk, he is not telling me everything and could be hiding a lot of his feelings. I also worry though, that he believed he could not survive in a regualar school, and that in itself hurt his self esteem. To pull him out, would validate that, and he still has to deal with these kids in the neighbourhood.

I cannot send him to a private school. Our financial situation just does not allow for that luxury right now. Frankly, we are about as stressed to our max financially as possible. We don't smoke, drink, or go out. Yet we are always broke. I still owe the last phone company we left (volenterily) money, and they hound us every day. (Luckally that should go away in April).

I won't send him back unless I believe it is reasonably safe, and I feel that some serious changes have been put in place. I think I am going to keep him out until the 18th at least. He needs the break, I am sure I can get along with him for that long...

As for media, I am not feeling up to that right now. However, I hope that by having contacted the police, it should "shake them up" and take me more seriously. Also, I am going to get the doctor to firm up the diagnosis if at all possible next week. (We have an appointment) If he is diagnosed with a disability, it gives my complaints more teeth, and opens up other avenues for him in the "system". I think they have Asperger classes limited to 16 students. Honestly, at least for next year, I think that is what he needs.

Ugh. Mean people suck.

Thanks for listening and showing such concern. I am very aware of the problems with bullying, I think I suffer from Complex Post Tramautic Stress from my years of being bullied and my mother going off the depend with Boarderline Personality Disorder all my teen years. (Plus my father dying when I was 19 from a horrific battle with Kidney cancer and lifes other yada yada's). I won't subject my son to a hostile environment day in, day out, but I also think pulling him out may be also have concequences, he will feel like he failed, and I worry we will fall back into an unhealthy relationship, mostly caused by us both needing space, and his refusal to work on anything I "assign". The problem with correspondance in Ontario for Grade 6/7 is they won't work on IEP, and it is all or nothing. You have to do all grade 6, or all grade 7. He bounces anywhere between grade 4 and 6 right now acedemically.

You need to get him out of that school. The teachers in inner city schools are so terrified of the kids and they will not stand up to the bullies themselves. You need to move your family out of the inner city otherwise your son will be tortured and probably worse things will happen to him than already has. You could sue the physically abusive kid's parents, but their parents are probably gangsters and would threaten your family. Get out of that scummy place!!

I agree.

If only life where that simple.

We fully plan by Spring 2008 and get out. However, our financial picture is very very difficult right now. Fortunately, some relief should come as the months progress, giving us just enough slack to get out.

Inner city in Canada is not as bad as inner city in the US. Our neighbourhood is starting to undergo a lot of change, as the harbour becomes more desirable, people WANT to live here. Still, the majority of kids are little monsters spawned I am sure from their own psycological demons growing up with abusive/ neglectful parents and substance abuse, but that is not my problem is it?

I have learned in life however, that you can't run away from your problems either. I went to a ridiculous number of schools, have live in over 15 houses, in small towns, in isolated towns, in Toronto proper. Everytime I moved, I thought "It is going to be different". Everytime, it was not. Kids where still monsterously mean, schools did relatively nothing. Once, my mother was flat out told that there was no WAY the kids where doing the things I said they where to me, because Catholic kids are not like that... Maybe in a public school... not here! HA!! !

While I think this school is particularly bad, I don't think moving is the answer to all our problems. I just hope that I can get him through this with as little psycological trauma as possible, to him and myself...

Thanks again for all the advice!

Have you checked into distance learning options? I know of some older children with AS who are doing quite well using the internet high school programs set up by their state department of education. There might be something out there along those lines which would get him away from that dreadful situation.

The second thing I would mention isn't a quick fix but it's one that's made a huge difference in our school district. Singlehandedly one parent of a child with Autism started working with the district to improve Autism services and staff training, eventually with other parents getting involved and working cooperatively with the district. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has improved understanding about all of the issues under the ASD umbrella! I can't help think but that attitude trickles down to the students as well.

Get him out of there. Now. That's not a healthy environment for any child to be in. Don't complain while leaving him there unless you want to see him suffer. Just pull him out.

Contact your school board immediately.

http://www.foundlocally.com/Hamilton/lo ... ustees.htm

They will want you to go through the proper channels, which will mean contacting the principal and superintendent, first.

Tell them this is a POLITICAL issue, because it's about BULLYING. The teachers in your son's school are ENCOURAGING bullying. You have the right to insist that your elected representatives deal with the issue. THAT'S THEIR JOB. It's what they're elected to do.