Please help me understand

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I haven't taken my child to any kind of social group activity in years. When I did before the parents talked to each other. Today, I'm sitting in the waiting room for my daughter's social group surrounded by moms. One sleeping, the others on their phones. No one looking up....at all!

The counselor suggested we talk to each other and I tried, but nothing.....I am used to trying to be normal for others, this is very frightening. What are parents usually like waiting for their children attending social groups? I don't know how to take this lack of what NT people usually seem to demand and am getting confused and scared waiting in a situation so different from what I'm used to.

I don't want to make a scene and cry but if I do cry I'm almost sure I'll be invisible. Which is almost worse.

That sounds fairly normal for waiting rooms to me. I have observed that parents used to talk to each other more when their kids were younger because they were still trying to get a feel for their child's diagnosis and finding other parents who have similar kids. As their kids get older, they start to already have their friends with similar kids established. For many, it's probably a rare chance to have a short while kid-free so they are just relaxing. Maybe you could try just saying something like, "goodbye, see you next week" at the end so you establish a rapport as friendly. I'm sorry it is upsetting for you. I doubt it's anything personal though, especially if they aren't talking to each other either.

People are getting more and more addicted to their phones. You see it in office settings, too: lunch rooms, where employees used to get to know each other, have turned into screen zones.

If I arrive in a room and if everyone is already on their devices, I usually simply do the same.

If I arrive in a room and people don't seem to be otherwise absorbed, I will usually say hello. Whether or not I try to do more (ask questions, try to be polite) depends on if I am in the mood for it (socialization does not come natural to me, either; my abilities vary widely by mood), if others seem receptive, or if I have work emails I really need to search for (in which case I will promptly get on my phone regardless of what others are doing).

It is a rather negative social trend, really. But nothing personal to you. I think everyone is wrestling with how to handle it going forward. That the counselor had to take the time to suggest you all talk to each other is a sign of how bad it has gotten; that used to be the natural thing for waiting moms to do, when it was the same group of people every week.

It could turn more social over time. First meetings are more like doctor waiting rooms, that feel of people you will never see again so you don't invest too much. Once people realize they are seeing the same faces week after week, that will often change, with someone taking the initiative to start conversations.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 01 Jun 2015, 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you, it's so upsetting, I'm glad you responded WelcometoHolland. I've been here before for her individual sessions and the people coming and going have always been really friendly it makes this very disturbing. Worst of all....I don't usually make eye contact, I didn't think, but it's spooking me that other people are avoiding it.

Thank you DW I know it's not likely it's personal. Though I feel like it is, but no one looks up, no eye contact, no one speaking to anyone.

I just wanted to chat with you all here to get through it. You're right, cell phones have changed things. This is awful because people aren't following the scripts I'm used to them following. And I'm afraid to ask the counselor he may take as a criticism and tell me to just leave, and my daughter wants me to stay.

The kids looked pretty normal, is it possible I expected that connection moms of kids with special needs sometimes have? And maybe the kids aren't that different and the parents are more normal parents and I'm expecting special need parent behavior? I don't know if I'm making any sense

Just normal parents like to (it seems) pretend to perfect families and seem ashamed of any slight deviation appearing in public.

If you are all waiting for kids who are going to a social group, assuming all those kids are on the spectrum, you have a higher than average chance that you are sitting in a room full of Aspies...probably stressed-out Aspies. My son used to be the "most normal" appearing in his group at the time - but I was genuinely suffering from PTSD from his violent behavior at home (which has not been an issue for years, thank goodness.)

I could not possibly have had a rational conversation with anyone in the waiting room at the time, at least not on a bad day - I was on the verge of tears an awful lot of the time. I also have noticed over many years in many waiting rooms that sometimes even with parents who are also clearly on the spectrum, I don't always "mesh," and our interactions are stiff. Yet another possibility is that they are extremely stressed-out NTs, who sometimes come off as rude or distant when it's really more about being overwhelmed.

You have validation from the counselor that it isn't you: I would say that you don't have to worry about it. You are not required to make small talk after the first effort: it is someone else's turn to try. I think making a point to offer a polite greeting and polite goodbye is important, and just respond to the small talk if it happens.

I will be honest and say I would have been relieved at not having to fake an effort. I concur that there is probably some aspieness in the room.

I feel so stupid right now, I assumed group to help social engagement and making friends was a group for kids on the spectrum...and it was a group for kids with all kinds of problems!

I'm guessing I encountered stressed NT moms, so apparently no aspie stuff going on except for me. I kind of felt like I was surrounded by aspie moms, only not really. And I'm the one panicking over the lack of usual socialness.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar, being surrounded by neurotypical people in their own little isolated bubble while the kids are supported to socialize?

Yes, a couple of times. I think, also, parents of more than one child who are trying to juggle and balance those lives tend to want to socialize less in situations where they have to focus on their difficulties with a particular child.

I do prefer the sorts of waiting rooms where all the parents bond and can talk about their kids, but it doesn't always happen.

There are also NTs and NTs. I have nothing to say other than pleasantries to the Moms who are focused on home decorating, party planning, shopping or celebrity gossip.

I'm not a parent or involved in parent groups, but more generally in public places... where I live, that kind of behavior is the norm. (So normal, in fact, that I had to reread your initial post because I thought I missed some additional weirdness you were talking about.) Generally, if the main reason people would want to go to a place is something other than socializing, there's quite likely to be very little chit-chat. I'm pretty sure this isn't some new "trend" of being "addicted" to phones either; if they didn't have phones, they could still find something else to do. There's a reason waiting rooms have magazines.

Were you living somewhere else the last time you took your child to one of these places?

I think most parents in pediatric waiting rooms tend to chat - you are guaranteed to have at least parenthood in common, as well as whatever it is you're waiting for. For instance, last time I took DS to the dentist there was a very chit-chatty crowd. This can particularly be the case when you are with a group of parents of special needs children, because nobody else in the world quite "gets it."

So it's not unreasonable for the OP to be surprised - but I'd agree, if you compare this withm say, the waiting room for your own dentist, you wouldn't be likely to see interaction. Waterfalls - is that a social basis for comparison that works for you?

We live in the same place. You're right, it's not the norm in ordinary life for there to be a lot of chit chat, though im used to some. It was the situation that made it so disturbing.

In the past I felt I needed to set an example as best I could of friendly social interaction. I wanted that, but also I felt, and was told, it's important to try to role model what I hoped my daughter would learn. And I and sometimes others hoped our children might connect, I think, because our kids struggled so much with making friends.

Edited to add: that's it exactly, MomSparky. Thought I was in a waiting room with other moms of kids with special needs and it turned out to be less chatty than my dentist, which isn't a chatty crowd. What you wrote makes so much sense!!

I think it might also be that these parents just haven't wrapped their brain around it yet, so to them it's just another appointment. Autism is a lot to take in if you are new to it.

It's also the case that different groups of people have established different "norms" for that particular group. It sounds like you are new to an already established group. For whatever reason, they've developed a pattern of ignoring each other in the waiting room. Even the counselor has noticed that this group is particularly non-communicative compared to parents of other groups at that practice. A different group might have different dynamic. If you want to engage, your best bet is to pick one person who is sitting near, and ask them for advice. Maybe something like w to expect from the class, or how does this class compare to others they've tried, can recommend a good therapist for XYZ, which of the local schools seems to be the best for these kids, etc...

I agree with this. When my daughter was getting services in a center, her original appointment contained a number of mothers I became friendly with. Granted, I hate chit-chat and usually feel very uncomfortable, but a couple of the other moms were just so stinking friendly that I couldn't help myself Even the ones I didn't talk to smiled and made eye contact when you came in. Then, we had to switch to a new appointment time. The new group of parents didn't even look at each other. They all read or did stuff on their phones. So, I read because I didn't have a smart phone at the time and couldn't do anything on my flip phone.

Sometimes there is great benefit to just being able to "read" a room and adjust your own behavior. If no one else is talking, relax and enjoy some down time. It would be highly unlikely that everyone in the room had something against each other. It's just the norm of the group. So...unless you want to be the one who orchestrates the all the social interaction for the group, I'd sit tight and enjoy the silence! Maybe one day a new mom who is the life of the party will come in and change the group norm, but that mom doesn't have to be you, ykwim?

I didn't explain right, this was the first group for everyone, it just started, and I felt maybe the moms haven't done this before, maybe don't see the point of kids being with kids in a facilitated group. They are all high school age. I talked to the counselor today, he thought it might be temporary how the moms are and said not to personalize. Which is hard, I'm used to being told anyone's social unease is my fault, I know that's impossible but still.....

I don't know, could these moms be afraid of saying more than they want to about their children and looking imperfect? I've never felt able to look perfect so this is hard to relate to. But I think maybe....could they be embarrassed?