Help! He hates his little brother's voice.

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So, this is my first post. I came here for help and I need some ideas. Whenever my ten year old starts to do his schoolwork (homeschool) or when we're all in the car together, he starts to have a meltdown about his little brother who is four years old. I have him wear ear mufflers, I turn some music on to buffer the noise, but he just loses it! Little brother can just be barely talking or not even saying anything, and my son will have a tantrum about his just being there. Why is this all directed at the little guy?? Help me understand. It started two years ago. He says things like, "He's bugging me!" "Quiet _____!" "Make him stop!" There are times when they play fine together, but there's something about his anxiety that he directs it all to his little brother. It's out of control. Any tips?

I hate to offer a simplistic explanation.

But this seems like "sibling rivalry" to me.

Ten-year-olds usually can't stand four-year-olds.

The ten-year-old has to learn to tolerate the presence of his little brother, like it or not.

Actually, in my experience, sibling rivalry tends to happen to siblings who are 3 or less years apart. I have found (in my own family and in friend's families) that when the age difference is over 4 years, the more years over 4, the less rivalry there is. I think it is because the greater the span in ages, the less likely they are in the same "developmental space" in which they are competing for the same developmental resources.

One thing I can think of is that your 4 year old is somehow amplifying some kind of sensory issue your 10 year old is having. So, I think you are on the right track with the ear mufflers, meaning I think you have an understanding of what the underlying issues is. But it might not just be sound, or it might not be sound at all.

I'll give you an example: my daughter loves to cuddle. She loves physical contact. So often, when I get home from work or after dinner, she will just sit next to me and kind of melt into my body. This usually does not bother me. But if I am emotionally overstimulated, I literally cannot stand it. If she tries to do it, the best way I can explain how it makes me feel is "angry." Only I am not angry I just cannot stand to have her touch me.

In your case, the increased focus and attention of schoolwork may have soaked up all of his "resources" available to accommodate his brother's presence. Also, a car is an enclosed space in which you do not have the option of retreat. This could also be putting your older son "on edge."

Having three people in our house who have varying issues and degrees of issues with becoming overstimulated, the best thing that has happened to us is for us to all learn (youngest daughter up to me) that if someone needs space, you give it to them. You do not talk to them, you do not get near to them, you do not look at them, you do not do anything.

I don't know where your neurology lies, OP, but I can tell you, once you are overstimulated, or getting near that point, someone even looking at you can seem like intrusive sensory input. So from your perspective, and your younger son's, he may not be doing anything to "bother" his brother, but it is possible he inadvertently is. The important thing to remember is that even though you would not find it intrusive or bothering, your son does, and it is not as simple as "stopping" or "not seeing it that way." It may be a physiological response that he cannot control. Like me feeling the emotional/physical sensation of anger when my daughter is too close to me. I don't want to feel this way. I just do. And telling myself to "stop it" or that it is "ridiculous" or any of the other things I have said to myself doesn't change it. The only thing that helps is time to unravel my overstimulated senses.

Can your younger son be in another room while your older son is doing his school work? Maybe if you can identify the specific environments/conditions in which this happens, you could try to find a way to change it?

I want to reiterate the importance of trying to carve out some sibling-free space for your child when he is doing his homework/schoolwork. I also homeschool and I find written work is the most stressful part of his and therefore my day, and we have no other children. I cannot imagine trying to get through that with a younger sibling being within audible/visual distance.

Imagine trying to focus when a little person is fluttering around nearby. He might be annoyed by any of the following or more.

1) My baby brother is having fun and I have work to do. That is not fair, and my brain is thinking about that instead of my work.
2) He is doing work also, but it is easier than mine. I wish my work was that easy to do, and I can't focus now.
3) I can hear him and it his noises distract me and I have enough trouble focusing as it is.
4) I can see him, and my visual focus has moved and I can't get my work done, and I have so much of it!
5) My younger brother gets so much attention that should be mine and I have all this work. It is not fair.

If it is at all possible, try to contain the younger one to an area out of sensory range. Even if he knows he is having fun somewhere else, sometimes out of sight out of mind will work.

So wonderfully said.

Actually, in my experience, sibling rivalry tends to happen to siblings who are 3 or less years apart. I have found (in my own family and in friend's families) that when the age difference is over 4 years, the more years over 4, the less rivalry there is. I think it is because the greater the span in ages, the less likely they are in the same "developmental space" in which they are competing for the same developmental resources.

One thing I can think of is that your 4 year old is somehow amplifying some kind of sensory issue your 10 year old is having. So, I think you are on the right track with the ear mufflers, meaning I think you have an understanding of what the underlying issues is. But it might not just be sound, or it might not be sound at all.

I'll give you an example: my daughter loves to cuddle. She loves physical contact. So often, when I get home from work or after dinner, she will just sit next to me and kind of melt into my body. This usually does not bother me. But if I am emotionally overstimulated, I literally cannot stand it. If she tries to do it, the best way I can explain how it makes me feel is "angry." Only I am not angry I just cannot stand to have her touch me.

In your case, the increased focus and attention of schoolwork may have soaked up all of his "resources" available to accommodate his brother's presence. Also, a car is an enclosed space in which you do not have the option of retreat. This could also be putting your older son "on edge."

Having three people in our house who have varying issues and degrees of issues with becoming overstimulated, the best thing that has happened to us is for us to all learn (youngest daughter up to me) that if someone needs space, you give it to them. You do not talk to them, you do not get near to them, you do not look at them, you do not do anything.

I don't know where your neurology lies, OP, but I can tell you, once you are overstimulated, or getting near that point, someone even looking at you can seem like intrusive sensory input. So from your perspective, and your younger son's, he may not be doing anything to "bother" his brother, but it is possible he inadvertently is. The important thing to remember is that even though you would not find it intrusive or bothering, your son does, and it is not as simple as "stopping" or "not seeing it that way." It may be a physiological response that he cannot control. Like me feeling the emotional/physical sensation of anger when my daughter is too close to me. I don't want to feel this way. I just do. And telling myself to "stop it" or that it is "ridiculous" or any of the other things I have said to myself doesn't change it. The only thing that helps is time to unravel my overstimulated senses.

Can your younger son be in another room while your older son is doing his school work? Maybe if you can identify the specific environments/conditions in which this happens, you could try to find a way to change it?