What kind of communication do you hope for in kids?

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Let's say you had a son or daughter who was a young adult, say 27-30 or so. What would you expect them to be able to communicate to you? For example, if they were living in an apartment in a city and they decided to move to another apartment a few blocks away and waited until after the move was complete in order to tell you they moved, say for example when you asked in order to send them something? Would that be considered an example of bad communication if they decided to wait until after the fact to yell you, something you would be moderately annoyed at? Would you feel devastated and enraged because you felt betrayed at the total lack of communication and sharing if that happened?

My ASD son can be expected to exhibit bad communication. I figure I am allowed to feel moderately annoyed, but it would be pointless to ever feel devastated or enraged; you can't expect people to be other than who they are, and someone who gets wrapped up into their own little world and forgets that you might want to hear all the details ... well, that is just who they are. Nothing personal, and taking it that way will not improve things.

My son only just turned 18 but it isn't a stretch for me to see him someday doing exactly what you described. And we consider ourselves to be quite close. He just, well ... doesn't think, sometimes. I consider it to be my job to love him exactly as he is, although I certainly am allowed to check up on him regularly to help reduce the odds of gaps

I am going to say this though it probably does not apply in your situation; but I am putting it out there for completeness.

If your child thinks you might offer unsolicited advice or help and cannot or does not feel like dealing with the communication issues inherent in waving you off, then this might be a possible reason in addition to the reason mentioned by DW_a_Mom that your child may not have thought about telling you. Reasons for this may be that it did not seem relevant if you were not immediately invited to visit or sending something.

Regardless, I don't see the reason for offense so much as trying to figure out the reasons so you understand your adult child's needs better. If the reason you are offended is because you think it means you are not close to your child, you may have to rethink how your child defines closeness versus how you do. An aspie is less likely to view not telling you something as indicative of some kind of problem. He may not analyze why and when he tells people things, and it is unlikely it is done with the intent to harm.

Edited to add I did not look at your age when I posted that, and assumed you were the mom trying to understand her kid. Now, that I looked, I am guessing you are the adult child, and you got yelled at by your mom?

NT parents often judge emotional closeness to someone as being partially a function of the quantity/intimacy level and timeliness of information that is transferred to them. So, you may have to explain to your mom why you didn't tell her, and explain that there is no greater meaning to be inferred from it (if there is not.)

If you did indeed make a conscious choice not to tell her as an easier way to avoid meddling, then if you feel you can, it may be an issue that you want to address. Sometimes meddling is well-intentioned but can be waved off once the person knows it is perceived as meddling and not as help. if the person is sure you need the "help" with no evidence or is just a buttinsky then having a rational discussion may be counterproductive.

Oh, I hadn't looked at the age, either!

Here is the thing: parents are humans that come with their own insecurities and needs. Sometimes, even when something isn't reasonable, you have to understand that reasonable or not it remains something they need and, thus, do your best to fulfill that need. For the simple reason that this is someone you care about and do not want to hurt.

I will tell parents it is their job to roll with their children's occasional cluelessness, but I will tell adult children that they should try to understand their parents needs and, as a kindness to their parents, try to meet them when appropriate. One can always apologize on the basis that you weren't aware this was something that was expected from you but, now that you do, you will try to pay more attention in the future.

The thing is, most NT children would simply know contact and sharing was expected. They would naturally give it, unless they felt some strong reason not to. If that is the type of relationship the parent is used to, they will have a lot of difficulty with the child who doesn't naturally follow the pattern. Personally, I can't imagine not letting my mother know before I moved. I even send her my travel itineraries before vacations. There has never been a day that she hasn't known roughly where all her children are. I just know that is what she needs to fall asleep at night. Since I care about her, I do my best to provide what she needs and expects.

I THINK my son will understand that is something I will want, as well, but I also know that he can fail on such things and not have any poor intentions. I've learned to laugh it off and never take it personally; it has just been too strong a pattern for too many years for me to do otherwise.

So, I guess, that is it from both sides.

You would hope the parents understood their adult child well enough to understand their challenges, but the adult child should understand their strengths and limitations, and leave themselves notes/reminders of what might be taken as hurtful. So as adults, understanding and communication is 2 sided.

Let me put a different spin on this...

I was a horrible communicator with my parents when I was a young adult. At the time, I didn't even notice it at all. Weeks, sometimes maybe even longer than a month, would go by and I would not speak with my parents. I did not do this because I was angry or because I did not care or for any reason at all that I can think of...except that I did not think of it.

My parents never held this against me. My mom rarely even called it to my attention.

Now that I am older and have my own kids who are gaining independence, I feel really bad every time I think of it. I cannot believe what I must have put my mom through, to not hear from her daughter for such lengthy periods of time, especially because we did not live close to each other. She literally had no idea if I was dead or if I was simply not calling. Despite the fact that I had no recognition of what I was doing, looking back, I realize how incredibly selfish it was. Really. Of all of the things that I did "wrong" as a kid, I think this is probably the top of my list, even though I was clueless at the time. It was really cruel. Ugh, just writing about it now fills me with shame and makes my heart hurt.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have set myself up on a "call mom" schedule. I would have told her the little things going on in my life, even if I thought that she would find them inconsequential. Because now that I have kids, I get it. Even when they will be out of the house...maybe even MORE when they are out of the house...they will still be my kids. They will still be the loves of my life, the ones that I have dedicated myself to for so long.

I hope and pray my kids do not do to me what I did to my mom. I do not think I will have my mother's strength not to make an issue out of it.

I would think though that it is not totally uncommon for this scenario to occur. My understanding was that in generations past it used to be fairly common, once a kid was 25 or older, to go a month or even months at at time without regular communication. I mean, it seems like if you go to a region like New York or New England that it used to be that way and still is since kids generally think much more independently once they get older, or, for that matter, if you are a kid from a smaller town who moves to a city. Most baby boomers I have talked to have indicated that going a month at a time without regular communication, once they were truly adults, was not all that uncommon.

Just because something has become normal, does not mean it isn't still thoughtless.

Older generations are frequently and profoundly hurt by the apparent thoughtlessness of younger generations. It seems I recently hurt my aunt's feelings unawares. While my actions have been totally normal, it doesn't change the fact that her feelings were hurt and that the hurt is very real. Understanding is a two way street; we have to try to do things that make those we care about happy, and not just excuse ourselves because we think our actions fall into a range we hear is normal. The only normal that matters is what those you care about expect.

Very well said.

I think also there is the issue of what seems like lying.....if you and your mom talked regularly, she said what's up and you don't mention a planned move, it might feel like a lie because moving is very time consuming and normally something people talk about as a result. On the other hand if you and your mom weren't chatting while you planned the move, she might feel like you should have told her, but she could have called you, it just didn't happen.

In the latter case I think if you take it as an act of caring and maybe apologize and say you'll always make sure she knows where to find you. But if you had been talking and it never came up, maybe just to ask her about moves she has made , maybe explain if the moving was so straightforward you didn't really experience it as a big deal but never meant to hurt her, or, if it was a big deal that was hard to wrap words around, you could apologize but explain that you felt off from the experience and it was hard to word....I think the more you can get your mom to talk about moves she has made and so on the more quickly and easily you can put this behind you.

All that aside, sometimes I do my best and people still get angry. You can only do your best, and show concern if someone is hurt by your actions. If she loves you, this is enough.

I am going to disagree here, because it is a two-way street and I don't think the fact that there are unreasonable parents out there, is being acknowledged. It is not about the adult child making every possible concession to every demand, regardless of reasonableness, just because someone he/she cares about is hurt by something. Parents don't get to hold their kids subject to emotional-blackmail.

I am not saying that this is what is going on in the OPs case. (I don't know---maybe it is, and maybe it is not--but I think it is helpful to put this possibility out there.)

When societal norms change, parents ought to be flexible about attempting to adapt, regardless if it is a change they like--and labeling it as thoughtless is unhelpful. On the other hand, if a parent asks for something that is not incredibly unreasonable and it is not a huge burden to the child, often it is worth it to suck it up (even if you think it is silly) to make the parent happy.

Disclaimer:

I come from a family that uses guilt as a weapon, and I realize that the parents here may not be able to fathom being on the other side of something like that (or witnessing other family members having to navigate that kind of abuse.)

An expected phone call may seem a minor thing, but I have personally lived in a family where phone calls were used as an oppressive form of control of adult persons and their own families. People would literally argue everyday (sometimes more than once a day) about whose turn it was to have to call a particular person, until my generation upon adulthood finally broke the cycle. (I understand this is extreme, but I cannot imagine no one else has experienced a more minor version of this)

In addition, anxiety issues abound in my family, and I cannot even tell you how many times as a child I have had to give up something important to me that kids in normal families could do, in order to "keep mom from worrying."

In any event, It is important to keep in mind that this is a real thing people have to deal with, and as much as we think we have to teach our kids to take others' feelings into account, we also have to teach them they have to look out for their own, too.

For the record, I do admit I have not been communicating things to people as much as is ideal. That said, while I can and am now making steps to improve it, getting it to where everyone I know would want it could well require me to quit the work I am doing entirely and switch towards much more menial work that would allow me the freedom to do so. As of now, I am doing work that often requires every iota of mental and emotional energy I have just to make it from one day to the next. As of now I am working to improve my part in the two way street but if it is not enough for whatever reason there is not a lot I can do outside just quitting what I am doing now entirely.

I initially had the impression you wanted your parent not to be uncomfortable. I think it's better when we can accept the people we love. But we do not necessarily need to change for them.

Acknowledging the parents distress isn't wrong and may help. If you care about the parent and the parent is reasonable, then you try to learn what he or she needs and wants and give it, Or you apologize and tell your parent you are sorry to have caused distres; but there shouldn't be a need to think about changing your work. This is your parent, and communication is a two way street.

I also think what you do depends on the relationship. I don't think there can be a hard and fast rule. If you feel your parent is normally reasonable, it seems to me best to try to accommodate that this issue matters to him or her. And if his or her demands are normally burdensome to you, you may wish to make this an issue and take a stand. But I don't think anyone else's definition of what should be normal can properly guide you as it isn't about right or wrong, it's about a relationship, and people are sometimes unreasonable with one another and need the other person to accommodate.

Only you can answer whether the burden of your parents demands for you to accommodate is beyond the value of the relationship and you need to have more limits. Because we all have some. Your parent isn't wrong to be upset, you're not wrong if that bothers you, and you're not necessarily wrong if you change nothing.

I don't mean to offend, but do you like this parent, and is he or she usually reasonable and not overly demanding? Or intrusive and irritable on a regular basis?

Is there a way for communication that would be less demanding of you? For example, there are online calendars that can be shared. You could put major events (like moving) on the calendar so your mom knows, and have an agreement with her that when you have the bandwidth to give her details, you will? Or could you set up a specific schedule of communication so you can prepare yourself? Or could you just email her significant occurrences?

If my kid came to me and said they felt bad because they knew they were not communicating well, but that if they put energy into communicating with me, they would no longer be able to do their job, but that they wanted to try one of the above ideas (or another), I would feel very touched that thought had been put into it. Otherwise, I would assume the lack of communication was due to the reason I listed for mine...I just didn't think of it. Not being thought of does not feel good. Knowing that someone is aware of their shortcomings and it's effect on you, with a sensitivity to that, feels good.

I know I am not your mom, but if I was...a calendar that I had access to just so I knew the basic things that were going on would provide me with a significant degree of relief given your circumstances. So would simple things like a text that says "Very busy. Thinking of you. Am OK. Talk later."

I think if you communicate this to your loved ones, if you have not already, they will do a better job of giving you the leeway you need.