Getting blamed for everything

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I made a post before about how my son gets really aggressive towards me whenever his dad leaves. But I've noticed that it's not just that- it's anytime he doesn't like something that happens really. He's almost 16 and he is severely autistic/ non-verbal.

It is a huge problem because he is really big- he is much bigger than me. Please don't get me wrong: I am glad he is attacking me instead of other people (like his brother or random strangers) but I'd really rather he just didn't attack anybody, and I don't understand what he's thinking.
It's happening a lot. Some examples:

His younger brother is really loud and I can't make him stop (trust me, I'm trying). He doesn't like it so he's been attacking me. (Again, YES I am glad that he attacks me instead of his brother if it HAS to be one or the other).

The other day a stranger touched him. Just a pat on the back or something. He hates being touched and in the past he would lash out at whoever dared to touch him, but the other day, he turned around and smacked me instead…

Today, he crashed his bike into a wall, and I was standing on the porch, so at least 50m away from him. He got off the bike, marched right up to me, and pushed me over. He could have just gotten up and continued biking (I'm sure it hurt, but he didn't sustain any injuries), but instead he chose to come hurt me… It's not like anyone pushed him off either- he crashed his own bike on his own and he knew that, and he still did this!! !

I can think of ways to make him more comfortable, but that does not address him attacking me when something goes wrong, which seems to be the real issue now.

Questions:
1. Why?
2. What should I do?

Thanks

I wonder if it's because he thinks of you as a "safe person" and this is his way of communicating his feelings with you (because he can't talk) ? For instance, when he feel off his bike, he might have felt bruised, but because he does not have a way to express it, he felt he had to do it to you to communicate that it happened and how or what he felt ?

It's also interesting that he does not lash out at strangers now, although he has in the past ? Maybe it's because other people have reacted badly and he learned not to lash out at them, but you are Mum and so "safe" to communicate to / with ?

Either way, that really really really sucks. (Hugs).

This is not terribly different from issues we have. For us, the big thing is stress. We had this issue "fixed" at about 3, and then started popping up again once the demands got too much in school. My son is home schooled, so he still has demands but I can adjust things as needed and we are seeing great improvement most of the time. When we get an occasional episode now, it is pretty easy to pinpoint the cause and try address it.

I would try to reduce stress as much as you can, and then dial it back up slowly to give him practice in dealing with greater stress-levels.

Baptism by fire just did not work for us--- and while it is true that people won't be scaffolding things for him forever; they also will not be putting up with those kind of outbursts. Even if it is only directed at you, right now (which is not so great) if stress becomes great enough, he will stop being able to control it around the general public. Right now the stress for him must be where he can control out out and about an when in a safe place it all comes out. That is my guess, anyway.

Thanks.

I was super excited when he hit me instead of the stranger, but then when I looked in the mirror later, I realised that it's weird that I did a happy dance (in my head ) about my son bruising my face. It's true that it is communication, speaking of looking on the bright side.

He has had a really rough school year so I can see why he is stressed out. Hopefully next year will be better... I still haven't decided what we're going to do with him though. *sigh* Normally I have to put him in summer camps all summer so I can work, but this summer his father is planning to be home, so he will have more down-time. Hopefully that helps with his stress.

I want to know why he is focusing his aggression on me though. I'm worried it's my fault and I did something wrong to cause him to target me. If it's because I am a "safe" person that would be better and I guess that's possible.

PS. I am having difficulty posting on here, which caused excessive editing, lol.

I doubt he is mad at you.

The other concern is that he cannot grow up thinking there are "safe" people to hit. Honestly, I think even with everything else and all my other concerns, that is my number one concern. I don't want my son to think it is OK to hit women, or family or that domestic violence is OK. Not to put added stress on you or anything...by projecting my own worries, but I think controlling these outbursts is my main goal.

If he finds you a safe person to lash out at then you have to not make yourself a safe person for him to lash out at. Then he might stop?

Because he knows/thinks you're the person who (can) make(s) (most of) the changes he likes/make(s) things good?
Maybe he thinks you can change anything/ make everything good.
Maybe he thinks you can meet all of his needs because you (can) meet so many of them.

That is my main concern as well. He is currently 6'5" and he isn't even 16 yet. He's probably going to be bigger than his father, which is a horrifying thought as he is a giant. He can't go around attacking people, myself included. Medication has not helped from what we've tried but I may start exploring more seriously because it is a serious problem.

Normally if he hits someone, we hold his hands in front of him and sAy "no hitting". He hates having his hands held so the idea is hell avoid the negative consequence. I do that when he hits me too. It's hard to find ways to deter him because he's mostly motivated by things in his head. For that reason, it seems to be important to teach him not to hit because it's wrong. We do have a social story about hitting which I made for him. He doesn't really look at books though.

I think it may be a type of communication. Running with that theory, were focussing a lot on getting him to use the PECS such as "that hurts" and "I don't like that". He doesn't use PECS spontaneously but maybe if he could learn that would help.

Any other ideas are welcome. Thanks again

This might seem silly and I've no experience like you're having, but I wonder if you could act out hitting with soft sturdy dolls and try to teach him to copy that behavior instead of communicating he felt hit because someone touched him or whatever by hitting you. That maybe if you give him a more direct concrete way to communicate the "hit" concept, he might use it.

I would hate being hit. The few times it happened were awful and my children were young. I am sad this is happening and I hope you or someone can find a solution....quickly!!

My son was always verbal when we had this issue (not that it mattered in the moment) so our experience is different, but I would agree that your focus needs to be on changing this behavior. I agree that it seems like an attempt to either communicate with you or to look to you as a problem-solver.

How much receptive language does he have? Can you do social stories about how being hit hurts you and he needs to find other things he CAN do? I think you will have better success if you find a replacement behavior, and also if you can teach him to look for the antecedents of a violent outburst.

For instance, with DS, we noticed that there was a moment behind every instance of lashing out that he balled up his fists and tensed up his jaw, and we taught him to go to his room the moment either of those two things happened and to stay there until he was calm. I'm not sure what the analogue of this would be in your situation, but you get the idea.

Can you act out or model these ideas?

I completely understand your gratitude at the focus being on you, but your son needs you - you can't allow him to hurt you.

Thanks momsparky. His default is to escape and be alone rather than attack. The attacking occurs if there's nowhere to go or the bad thing occurs too fast for him to get away.

I think you're right that we need to find alternative things that he CAN do.

We are focussing a lot on him using the "ouch that hurts" card and the "I don't like that" card. That's the only idea I've got at the moment.
Maybe it would help him if I gave him something else to hit instead of a person.

His receptive language appears to be really bad. He still only responds to 6 commands consistently (stop, go, wait, sit, come, stand). Occasionally he will wow us all by following a complex instruction though. I think he has the ability to understand English but it's like there's a thick fog around him and he can only understand if there's a break in the fog or something. That's how I imagine it anyway. 90% of what he knows he seems to have taught himself. I honestly do not know how to teach him anything complex. I'm pretty sure a rat could be taught the 6 commands he knows faster than he learned them- he has a really hard time with communication (he can do lots of things that rats can't do, but he taught himself how to do them).

(I'm just thinking out loud.)

Is his room his safe place?
If so: what makes it his safe place?
What does he do in his room when he goes to his room when this happens?

So you are looking for ways to create somewhere/something for him to escape to either mentally or physically when there isn't anywhere he can go to (yet)?

Like for instance something like a tent that could be a safe place too, you could take anywhere and build within a second?
Or maybe a hoody with a very big hood or a blanket he/you could put over him to make the world go "away".
Or if he likes music music that he could put on when ever he wants.
Or a video game that he can play wherever if he likes to play video games.
Maybe even a somewhat violent video game that he could use to releash anger/frustration on or show you to communicate his anger/ frustration.

Brainstorming along with Remy:

We used to have a "kit" for DS when he went to see a movie: heavy hoodie, noise-canceling earbuds with an mp3 player of music he liked, and baseball cap with large brim. If the sensory overload got to be too much, DS was able to shrink down in his hoodie, look at the floor, and play music - and that would effectively become a sensory deprivation tank, so to speak.

Next question - does your son respond to pictures or cartoons or video? It is clear to me that he understands one step in communication - he does something and then you respond - because I think that is probably the function of the hitting in the way you describe it. If so, that is an important first step and something you can build on: now he needs to understand that there are other ways to get attention and to get people to stop.

Have you considered teaching him hand signals? (just thinking off the top of my head.) If he knows the hand signal for "stop" he may have success getting his point across; maybe if you model it with other people, then get him to do it: some exaggeration where everybody freezes when a hand is held up, and then more and more specific as time goes on.

Likewise, with the bike issue, you could teach him hand signals for when he is hurt (I think he was probably expressing frustration, but that's more complex.) http://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/pages-signs/h/hurt.htm - read the comments for how to express localized pain. You can also use this signal to express when he hurts YOU. (Does he notice pain in animals? DS is often much more in tune with animals than people, and making comparisons with animals is often a good teaching tool for us.)

I'm thinking about the bike problem: so, if I didn't have any language at all, and I was frustrated about something, I would want someone to help me...but I would, without language, not know that they were able to help me. That might be an expression of extreme cognitive dissonance...he knows that bike-riding is something that has to be autonomous, but he can't do it right and wants help, but he knows you can't help him because it's an autonomous activity.

In an NT kid, you would respond by reassuring them that falls happen and check for hurts and give them sympathy. Your son probably can't see that. I don't think anyone could have come up with something quickly, but something like these videos from Sesame Street (? not sure if he will tolerate them, sometimes they will and sometimes they won't - but their social-emotional program is really helpful...My Little Pony also works sometimes...if he won't tolerate kid's television, maybe create something using his interests?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZxBRFGdzfU and there's a riding a bike one I think 4th in this playlist: http://www.sesamestreet.org/playlists#m ... aylist_375

The Sesame Street site has other helpful curricula by subject matter, here's a section on feelings and expressing them: http://www.sesamestreet.org/playlists#m ... aylist_852 Here are a couple on frustration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6dV25Ui670 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foC008X-NjI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWp6kkz-pnQ

Not really finding more adult videos...this one isn't just right, but might help if the others fail...: http://www.brainpickings.org/2012/03/26 ... r-imagine/

Just ideas.

Waterfalls- I missed your post somehow last night. That doesn't sound silly. I think I'll try that.
--

Yes his room is his safe place. It's quiet, has a swing, and he's usually left alone in there. When he's in there, he stims (which he can do anywhere)- he paces, swings, and also looks at some of his favourite things to look at (a few posters, a snow globe, one of those water/oil things).

I bring a set of headphones for him, which can be noise-cancelling or play music. He listens to music on the bus. I don't think he has a hoodie but I'll look for one as he might like to have the hood up. Maybe sunglasses too- . I might also add something for him to look at to his "kit".

He knows a few ASL signs, including stop and hurt, but he doesn't use them spontaneously (same with PECS).

This represents a problem with ABA. He's been taught these things through ABA but I don't think he understands that this is useful for him. I think he thinks if he does this random thing, the weird lady gets excited and gives him a reward. He'll do it if it gets him free time (his reward) but he never does it on his own because it is MEANINGLESS to him. Yep we failed on this front. Even though now if I say "stop" he will stop, I don't think he even knows it works both ways (I.e if he says stop, I'll stop). I know this sounds really bad and you're probably wondering what is wrong with me (I'm wondering that). I just don't know what to do.

Anyway, thanks you guys. I do really appreciate it!

I don't think that at all! I think you have a very good start on a very difficult communication problem. I'm sad that you wound up with the sort of ABA that gets that kind of result - that's not how it is supposed to be done, and it's the ABA practicioner who should have helped your son connect the word to the action.

You've got those two signs - my suggestion (and again, I am guessing and I am not a professional) is to start acting that out around him as much as possible. He's missing the connection between the communication and the result - take a look at the way Anne Sullivan finally got Helen Keller to understand: it's similar. (I've found Helen Keller's autobiography, which is available free online, to be an excellent guide for breaking through communication issues as long as you ignore the antique corporal punishment.) See if you can get other people to model "stop" and "hurt" and what the reaction should be.

On the contrary, i have the greatest respect for you.
It must be really hard to have a children that aren't able to communicate (like) anything at all and who also have some challenging behavior.
You have to figure everything out yourself since they don't communicate (much).
Nobody has all the answers.
It's good you're asking for advice for the things that are harder to figure out.

And it's great that you not only describe the situations your asking advice about but also a bit similar situations where the behavior of your kids is different. It makes it a lot easier to try to guess what might be causing the issue and what might be a solution.

(By the way, i think your son doesn't want to hit people /already knows that hitting someone is wrong since he is trying to avoid doing so by go to his room whenever he can.)

Your putting so much effort in trying to give them the best life's possible.
Without even getting so much as respite care ever. (Which is ridiculous, the waiting list for it shouldn't been that long.)
So you don't even get an occasional break.

And most important of all: you love and accept your kids for who they are.
And you see their good qualities.
I think you're a great mother.