Autistic neighbor

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I don't have an autistic child. But the people up the street have an autistic son. He is severely autistic, non verbal, and has disrupted our lives more than you can imagine. He first started coming to our home when he was about six, and the first few few times he ran into the house naked we were shocked and took him home. But over the following months it was obvious this was becoming a huge issue. In the first few years we tried talking to the parents but they told us we don't know what it's like to have an autistic child. We changed the locks on our front door to coded ones that relock after 3 seconds. He broke the screens and the glides on all our basement windows and if we locked the patio screen door he would go thru the screen. In 8 years we documented over 1000 visits. 95% of the time he was naked. Sometimes covered in feces. And has done thousands of dollars damage to our home. We would document the time he arrived, what /if he was wearing clothes, who came to get him, excuse used, and the time it took them to get him. He has an obsession with our home only. Has never gone to a neighbors house. We over the years provided a lot of options but they refused to try or claimed expense to be an issue.
I have two girls and as he hit puberty I had obvious concerns about what would happen if he became sexual. They claimed he wasn't like that and we were over reacting. But no one could guarantee that it would never happen. We began calling the police when he got in but it failed to get us anywhere.the father is an officer, and yes a later investigation proved some turned a blind eye to the situation because they were coworkers.
We couldn't sell as when we hired a lawyer we discovered that because of how much it was a nuisance if we didn't disclose it we could be sued.
I could tell you stories that would appaul you. At one point we were living in a prision in our own home because they wouldn't install more than one deadbolt and wear a key on a lanyard around their neck. Claimed it was disruptive for their other children. Due to almost having a nervous breakdown and almost losing our own marriage over another families child we stopped living in a prision and unlocked our patio door when at home to enjoy our yard. We filed a police investigation and due to the enormous documentation we had the father received a reprimand at work. Since then we have not seen him once( which tells me they could have done something all along).
My current issue is that my children are still having residual effects from this. We are three years with no visit and can now move so are getting our home ready for the market.
This family thinks we are the issue, and while I realise they have it difficult,their inability to cope with their situation should never impact the lives of others like it has. They are currently still badmouthing us on social media and to people in the subdivision, who don't know us. I want to know what you all think I should do to make it all stop.

Asking a lawyer to send a certified cease-and-desist letter to them should do the trick. Such a letter would be quick, easy and affordable. Besides, such a letter would also put them on notice about any future defamation or other illegal acts.

It makes me cringe about the injuries on both sides of this neighborhood fence, however. I hope you and they get some relief from their son's behavior; you by legally distancing yourself from them, and them by, hopefully, taking your warnings as a wake-up call for their family and especially their son.

We have sent them letters before from the lawyer to no avail. There have been times when he has been outside our door for 30 min before they come looking. And they believe we are the problem in the situation. We at this point can't afford thousands more in lawyer fees

Well, the letter shouldn't cost more than $250 (it is really pro forma with almost no research). But, I completely agree that it is an expense that you shouldn't be burdened with, especially with what you have paid out so far. If you have already warned them through your lawyers, you have done all you can do unless you want to pursue a suit or criminal charges. Well, I would suggest continuing to avoid them.

So, I'm a non-autistic mom of two autistic boys, and I have to ask, why did you post here? It's been three years since your last issue with this family - what do you need from this community? Don't get me wrong, I empathize with your pain and hope that my boys are never the ones to cause anything similar to others, but what answers are you seeking? Because your post reads like you are seeking validation from the "autistic community", however you understand that term. But how can we help you? Should we say that the behavior is egregious? You already know that. Should we give legal advice? You already have that. I don't think you are here to really understand why their child might be behaving this way, so I'm not inclined to help you. Because you don't really care about autism; you're just trying to preserve the status quo for your children. And that is understandable, not necessarily admirable, but certainly has a questionable place here. Your screen name (youaretheproblem) doesn't help your cause. I question your motivations and investment in finding solutions.

You can tell his cop dad that running around naked and being against private property are hippie behaviours.

Apart from the joke, I'm very sorry for the situation. What do you want to stop, the badmouthing?

Ugh this is so disturbing it looks like a troll post. If this is for real, I say f**k them. The parents should have locked all their doors and windows and kept extra locks on them than letting him run wild and playing the autism card. What is it with society thinking it's okay for autistics to be violent and letting them run wild and do property damage? I also say call social services. They obviously can't handle him so they are neglecting him and letting him out of the house than putting on extra locks to keep him inside.

But I still hope this is a troll thread because this is so disturbing.

They are badmouthing us in the community we live in and I want to know from parents who have kids with autism, who are not complete idiots about parenting, what we should do to approach it. We have tried to move on,and other than the neighbors who live right beside us,the rest of the street doesn't know what we have been thru. He would come behind the homes to our place( its a wooded and protected park) so people never saw it. And the neighbors beside us know because the parents were badmouthing our family and they came to us irate that we had involved a lawyer because we don't like their son getting out a few times!
The screen name I chose was because that's what they have been telling us for years. That we are the issue. Not the other way around as you may have read it. And despite what you think I know about autism or if I care about autism, I have to say the child isn't at fault here. He has no boundaries or routine in his life. It's not his fault. He is an innocent child. I totally blame the parents for the fact that they refused to address the issues. Because I am sorry but refusing to lock your doors and wear a lanyard because its inconvenient for your other children is putting them ahead of your special needs child's safety. And that's not what parents should do.

Troll post? Oh how I wish. And we did call child services( the dad is an officer and turns out he used to be the liaison officer between child services and the police dept). We discovered that because his home is his comfort zone we have no right to judge the fact that they allow him to be naked. And since he was fed and clothed at school, it was our word against theirs. So we started calling the police when he got in. But not one reported it to child services despite the fact that they were all asked to.
We want to know how to approach the badmouthing. The people up the street refer to us as the psycho family who hates autistic kids.although I am sure they would feel differently if they were aware of what we have been through.
When I first went to a therapist he thought I was kidding about this and that a friend had put me up to it to drive him crazy. But alas its real. And you only a few details. Some of the stories would horrify you.
But how do we approach parents who feel that there child is entitled to the world because he has autism. Special needs bus picks him up every morning and takes him to school. They leave twn min later and drive their other children the same school. But have said since he is entitled to it he will have it. They use their handicap parking even when they don't have him in the vehicle.
How do we approach parents of autistic kids without the he has autism so he is entitled attitude we get. How do we respond to that without making it all worse??

Refusing to wear a lanyard? What the heck is wrong with you? You don't get to micromanage other people's lives.

You are entitled to secure your privacy and that's it. If the kid trespasses, call the police. If your neighbors accuse you of bad behavior, tell them the kid trespasses--and leave it at that. If you are polite and pleasant to your neighbors, they will not make a pariah out of you.

But I don't think that's your personality. I think you are obsessively monitoring other issues with this family that have nothing to do with trespassing.

If the consensus among the neighbors is that the problem is you, you should consider for a moment that they may be right.

You should probably move to a bunker in a remote area of Wyoming or Montana, somplace where the nearest neighbors are a long drive away. Then all these problems will go away.

If you aren't willing to take that step, I suggest that you don't approach parents of autistic kids at all.

If you do find yourself talking to other people, parents of autistic kids or no, just quietly explain that there are safety reasons why you have to secure your property and otherwise drop all this stuff about lanyards, special needs busses and disability parking spaces out of the conversation or you will surely reveal an ugly image to them.

I don't think we have the type of expertise that you are looking for. If you are asking how to navigate the legal system and manage your social relationships in your neighborhood, these are not necessarily the skill sets we have here. Maybe if you were more clear about what specifically you are expecting from this forum.

You are planning to move now that you got the cops to intervene properly, and that should solve all your problems, anyway, right? You will have new neighbors and hopefully not have to worry about them trespassing on your property.

I agree with Adamantium that you cannot expect to micromanage how they get their kid to stop showing up on your property. Your concern is only that they do so. I understand that aspect, and frankly I would not want kids (NY or AU) on my property uninvited, either.

Edited to add: I noticed that you said the boy lives down the street, so he is not a next-door neighbor? That is odd that he has only picked your house in particular and apparently none of your other neighbors' homes to visit. I wonder why.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 14 Jul 2015, 8:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think League Girl is probably right. Even if she isn't, I question what you think a forum of parents with kids on the spectrum can offer you.

I have to say, I'm having a hard time believing that you documented 1000 instances of this behavior over 8 years and have had no response from either the family or the authorities until now. If they could have stopped it before, clearly you could have asked for an investigation years earlier as well. That inconsistency in your story that makes me wonder if there isn't more going on here than what you are saying. In addition, the way you describe the family's legal accommodations (access to a SPED bus, access to handicapped parking) as though they are privileges and not needs leads me to believe that at best you don't understand disability and how it works, and certainly that you are working from a place of intolerance and not a place of patience and an attempt to understand.

Elopement is a common problem for kids with autism. Sometimes sensory issues and a lack of social awareness leads kids on the spectrum to do socially inappropriate things like take off their clothes in public or smear feces. I have deep sympathy for a family that is struggling with a child who is disabled in this manner, and I would guess that the other people in your subdivision feel the same way. Even though this child impacts your life, and even though it is entirely reasonable for you to ask that it stop - you have it a lot easier than they do.

I don't know you and I don't know this family, but if you are here to get sympathy from parents who have stood in the shoes of the family down the street...given the information you've offered, I don't think I can. It seems to me like you have not tried to solve the problem, but have been waiting for it to go away by itself and are facing the consequences of that decision - it is possible (given what you posted) that the family did not understand how you felt about the issue until you called for a police investigation. I doubt this issue would impact your ability to sell your house: it has nothing to do with your home, but - as you state, since no other homes are affected - is an issue between your family and this other family.

Considering that, I'm not surprised that the family is expressing their unhappiness with the situation to their friends. I don't think you can stop that, and I'm not sure why you care if the people involved don't know you and you are planning to move away from them anyway.

"Dear friends, I have a problem that hasn't been a problem for three years and that I am about to leave behind forever, but before I go I want to know how I get everyone to see that I am right and everyone else is wrong?" Is this a serious question?

Yeah---that is what it seems to me, too. I don't see a real question. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, but I don't see any pressing problem that needs to be solved. If the OP is looking for advice on how to get along with the (now temporary) neighbors who don't like their family, how would that be in our skill set? Why is it even important, if they are moving? Everything else sounds settled.

I am beginning to think it is a troll, like some of the other posters do.

Given that you are three years with no visit, it sounds like the family have got this under control.

Why should they wear lanyards if the child is no longer causing an issue?

I find it hard to believe that there is no ongoing issue of they're "still" badmouthing you on facebook (possibly because you implied their child, who hasn't been to your house in 3 years, might sexually assault your children?)

Anyhow, you're moving now.

I think the best thing to do with your children would be to explain as sympathetically as you can how autism affects this young man.

Explain that although his symptoms cause him difficulties and his family struggle (someone else has already about his family's likely struggle). Approach it in a way which explains that the boy does not mean harm but still sympathise with their concern about things being smashed. (Nudity isn't all that concerning - your kids won't find this an issue unless YOU make it so.)

Honestly, it's more likely the stress of you, your husband, the law enforcement and the general atmosphere that is causing your children residual effects that the actual incidents. (Children often recover quite well from traumatic events provided their family is stable and looks after their emotional needs.)

Take them to a therapist if need be but avoid instilling fear in them.

You don't know the reason they have their child take the special needs bus, you are only assuming negativity in this choice. The child might scream or flail in their car, and it is safer for all if he takes the bus. They may have chosen the bus because the child's friends are on the bus and they thought he would like this as a routine. The child's therapist may have encouraged it for independence. You don't know. I know a family who had their child get on a special needs bus when they lived two blocks from the school because the teachers encouraged it as a step towards independence. My son took a bus even though I dropped my older child off two blocks away from his school. This was because my younger son was throwing himself down on the sidewalk, refusing to walk, and screaming every day on the way to school and this helped to break this routine.