Help with a highschooler having trouble with his teachers

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Hey everyone! I'm a college student who does some tutoring on the side to earn extra money. One of my regular students is a high school junior with autism (high functioning?). I don't know much about it, so that's why I'm here. I personally don't have any problems interacting with him since I'm pretty easygoing, and I understand that he can have trouble expressing himself. However, he's been having trouble with his teachers at school lately.

He goes to a private school, but I'm not aware of there being any special programs or anything like that for autism - I'm almost 100% sure he's in a regular classroom, with regular teachers and regular students.

Throughout the whole year, but especially now that the stress of finals are setting in, he's telling me that his teachers are always frustrated with him. He will go to them for help after class or during breaks, but they will sometimes refuse, calling him annoying and pestering. This upsets him a lot - he hates being called annoying and sees it as a form of bullying. He thinks people are just putting him down because they don't understand that he's different.

He's right; his teachers shouldn't call him a pest, they could definitely be nicer about taking their breaks and not helping him every day. But the language is a separate issue - even if they were polite about it, that still doesn't address the issue of why they felt that way in the first place.

Because the truth is, he is from a rich family and is very spoiled, expecting others to go far out of their way to help him. I see him twice a week for 1.5 hours at a time to basically talk him through his homework. Even with a constant stream of other tutors besides myself, he will still find occasions to call me at odd hours to ask questions. I've repeatedly had to tell him that if I'm not on the clock working with him, then that time is mine - for my other work and my own life. Sometimes he just has a small question, and other times it is a full on nervous breakdown. I've tried my best, but I've completely stopped answering calls from blocked/private numbers (which he uses) because of these calls.

Now I can't call him out on this directly, since he'll just see it as me antagonizing him for being autistic, just like his teachers. I've tried to drop hints - like "Dealing with people is a two way street. You're teachers aren't treating you nicely. Can you think of a way that they might feel like you have mistreated them first?"

And he won't feel like he's done anything wrong. He feels that he is owed extra help to make it "fair" and "equal" for him. His teachers probably feel like he's abusing their kindness to help him during breaks. But he feels like they owe him that and more. (Besides that, there's no way he grasps how much his parents have done for him by paying multiple thousands of dollars a month for tutors.)

So I'm at my wit's end. Can you guys give me any advice about how to approach the topic? He's absolutely miserable because of how he's treated. At some level, his teachers and peers could probably do a better job of accommodating him, but the root of the difficulty is his own attitude and behavior. Also, let me know if I'm being too harsh on him - should I even expect him to be able to survive a normal school like this without trained professional staff?

I feel for this kid. If he is getting the help of several tutors, and still constantly feels he needs extra help from his teachers, than he is, clearly, in the wrong school setting. He, clearly, cannot keep up with the pace or expectations. I think it is unfair to him that his parents are shelling out thousands of dollars on tutors to try and keep him above water in a school setting that he cannot handle.

I think that his idea that the teachers should help him to make it "fair" is because he realizes that he is having difficulty coping in this setting, that a lot of it could be attributed to his autism, and he feels that he should be offered extra support to even the playing field. He's right. It's not fair that he should have to try and figure out how to cope in this situation without more support than neurotypical kids. The situation is not fair.

I am guessing that part of the reason this kid is acting so needy with the teachers, you, and the other tutors is that he is so stressed out. Nobody is at their best when they are that stressed out.

He may be really smart, but other issues like executive functioning, processing speed, sensory issues, etc. are making it really hard for him to keep up at the same pace as his peers. If he was in a public school, he would be getting services in school to help him cope.

Do you feel that you can approach his parents with your concerns? Not only the concern that he is calling you at odd hours (which I think his parents should know, as they pay the bill), but about the fact that he seems to not be coping well in this school setting?

Also, I don't think that the kid calling you off the clock or constantly asking his teachers for extra time is because he is spoiled (which he may also be) and, therefore, feels entitled necessarily. He may just not understand why this would not be socially appropriate. Understanding social cues and social rules is hard for autistic people. He may just not get it. He may think: "I am having trouble, and, therefore should ask for help," then, he has absolutely no idea why the teachers would be so rude about it. Likely the teachers had said to the class "If you need extra help, feel free to ask" at some point. So, he does not see what the issue is.

I also feel bad that this kid is spending so much time trying to keep up, with so many tutors. This kid needs a break.

It seems that this kid expects too much that other people should hold his hand on his schoolwork and help him with every little thing?

I think you could help him by encouraging more independence in doing his homework to begin with. Try to make him handle more of the steps of figuring out his homework. Perhaps he is insecure and does not think he can figure things out himself and that is why he asks so many questions, perhaps he is afraid to fail. But you can try to show him that it is more satisfying to figure things out oneself, and ask only after one has tried a few things that didn't work.

I think you are right that it is his attitudes and habits that need to change. The teachers and tutors are probably annoyed because his behavior is simply annoying and would annoy most people, if someone pestered them with too many questions and expected others to do their thinking for them. This pattern of behavior cannot be effective for any future career, so it is best to change the behavior and attitude while he is still in school. Even if it is uncomfortable for him to change, it is worth doing so.

I agree that this child is under too much pressure. While he may seem "entitled" because he prioritizes his own needs over the time of others, that can be a hard skill for someone with ASD even when they are not in the proverbial weeds, as this boy seems to be. Under those circumstances, he is not going to see it, at all.

I am not saying that he does not need to learn that kind of reciprocity, but I am guessing that is something he has been struggling with his whole life. I also agree you should let his parents know what is going on, worded in a way that demonstrates empathy because it is apt to be taken more seriously if they realize it is a life skill he will need in addition to his academics as opposed to you not liking to be contacted off-hours-however valid that is.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I basically agree with everything that's been said. About him being under too much pressure, it is mostly self-imposed - He wants to prove that he can succeed at the same level. He learns mostly with rote memorization and really struggles with concepts. His memory is pretty good, and he over-relies on it in schoolwork opting to memorize examples instead of understanding the process. His parents are willing to pay for tutors probably because they'd rather let him try his way instead of having a confrontation to convince him to lower his expectations for grades. This is definitely not a good habit for him to have, but it's been a lifetime in the making and will be super hard to break. Especially since his grades will probably drop.

My main problem is that I don't know how to communicate all this to him, and I don't think his parents are any better off doing that than me. I should probably talk to them about seeing a specialist or something instead of tutors! Thanks for the advice. I'll still check back on this thread every once in a while for any other advice.