"Your Child Should Never Be Forced To Hug Anyone....

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...(Yes, Including a Relative) - Here Are 7 Reasons Why"

http://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazi ... ons-why-2/

Nah, I disagree. As long as the kid doesn't have sensory issues, I don't see the harm in insisting that they hug Grandma and Grandpa. We all have to use our bodies all the time to do things we don't like. My kids might want to lie in bed all day, but they must get their bodies up and go to school, etc. It doesn't mean their bodies don't belong to them, and it doesn't mean it's okay for people to molest them. I'm pretty sure a parent can explain the difference between a parent-sanctioned hug and molestation. Unfortunately, we all have to explain that stuff to our kids (ASD and NT), anyway.

It is very sad that this person was sexually abused but a campaign against hugging may not be the best way of dealing with the incredible pain and confusion they must have.

Hugs are supposed to be genuine gestures of affection, nobody should be forced to hug others.
Though I have always liked hugging my grandparents and cousins, I can understand that there are many children, autistic and NT, who don't like hugging people. The article is right in many ways, but I think its most important message to parents is that children are their own person, not your extension. They have their own comfort zone and preferences.

Actually people need to do unpleasant things to avoid situations that are even worse. (If you don't work, you'll run out of money, If you don't do the laundry, eventually all your clothes will get dirty)
Children need to go to school, because it is the lesser of two evils. It might be boring or difficult, but it's definitely better than not going to school. Skills like writing, reading, math, etc. are essential, and you can't get a decent job without finishing high school at least. And of course there are laws for compulsary education.
How is hugging a necessity? It isn't, but some people just don't want to be seen as bad parents, so they scold their children (which is socially acceptable in any situation), instead of telling their sensible adult relatives that not everyone likes hugs.

The article wasn't against hugging, but against non-consensual hugging. There is a big difference. For example a campaign against sex would be silly, but a campaign against non-consensual sex... I hope you see the difference.

I make my children do things (and not do things) every single day. It's called parenting. Hugging grandparents is one of those things. If I followed your argument to its conclusion, I should allow them to do whatever they want, all the time. That's neglect.



This is not the reason I tell my children to hug their grandparents, and frankly I resent the assumption. They hug their grandparents because it's a small, simple gesture that means a lot to g-ma and g-pa, who love them very much and will probably be dead soon. Not a hell of a lot to ask.

I hated being touched by adults as a child ... hugging, kissing grandparents. It's a good skill to learn though. Just remember that even though we can learn to hug because it is important to others, that doesn't mean we ever actually get anything out of it. It is just another social tool we have to learn. I do wish people would be more aware and respectful of those who do not enjoy this form of communication.

I think this is one of the it depends on the kind of kid you have things. I come from a encourage/but don't require model family, myself, so i have an admitted bias in that direction, anyway; but for us: I have a child who has trouble understanding he can't just invade people's body space whenever he feels like it. And I do want him to know he should have a choice about his own space---especially when he was in public school around people I do not know.

For us, it makes it simpler to say he also has a right to not have his body space invaded b/c otherwise it seems hypocritical and in any event there is too much nuance to attempt a one-way requirement, for certain people. Most of the time he does. When he doesn't usually it is a relative that is kind of mean to him, and really I don't see why he should have to snuggle them, either. Even then, he usually does it, but I would not require it.

So, we do the encourage/not require thing, and that works for us.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 02 Aug 2015, 8:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes.

It's also worth noting the differences between cultures in the approach to physical gestures and closeness. The French, Italians and triple-kissing Russians are much more physical in normal social context than English people, for example. English people put their hands on other people more than Americans in everyday social encounters. The sense of "personal space" varies greatly from culture to culture, too.

I find the article ridiculous. But there are many people out there who believe things like this, and the philosophy spans well beyond social hugging. Unfortunately, their children grow up to be the adults with a serious sense of self-entitlement who cannot think of another's needs to save themselves. Everything is about them. What they want. What they need. How they want to be treated. They seem not to care if their actions negatively impact others. Because since young childhood, they have been taught that what they want is what is important.

I don't think parents are doing their kids any favors at all when they raise them with this underlying philosophy. And they certainly aren't doing the rest of us a favor either.

FWIW, my daughter has sensory issues with kissing/hugging. When she was a toddler, I protected her. She was too young to understand the social aspects of it, and as such, I didn't not feel comfortable having her exposed to something that was uncomfortable to her. Now that she is almost a pre-teen, I expect her to let her grandmother kiss and hug her. It is a momentary discomfort for her, whereas the slight her grandmother feels when she pulls away lasts a long time. She actually gives hugs now, because she realizes the social utility and how it makes other people feel good.

(she hopes to find a man to marry who hates kissing, though! LOL!)

Hugging probably shouldn't be forced.

If you force a hug ON someone who doesn't want it, we're calling that assault these days. I guess the corollary to that is that it's not too cool to force someone to initiate contact against their will either.

However, showing affection/respect in SOME KIND OF WAY that is meaningful to the person who wants a hug probably isn't optional. Touch might be optional. Showing affection/respect is probably not.

OTOH, all those times that I had to suck up my tactile defensiveness and allow my Italian grandmother (who was raising me as a stand-in for my mother) to hug my head... Well, I hated them. To this day, I hate them. But it was probably OT for my tactile defensiveness, too. It's probably the reason that I (generally) don't flinch when my kids throw themselves into my lap or my toddler decides that she will only be comforted by aggressively forming her body contours to mine while shoving her sticky, wet hand into my armpit.

So, I can go either way on that one.

I actually think there are very few things that parents should *force* their kids to do. Take eating vegetables for instance: to force them, you'd have to shove a vegetable down their throat and that's not ok. What most people do is highly encourage vegetable-eating and make it desirable to do (e.g. If you do, you get to leave the table and play- if you do not, you are stuck at this table for the rest of your life, dammit). Same goes for hugging. No I don't think it should be *forced*. But highly encouraged? Sure.

For us it is a battle I've decided not to choose. My son has severe tactile sensory issues and I've decided this ain't a hill I want to die on. But I'm not opposed to other people choosing this battle since I think it depends on the child, and what's going on in their life. Instead of hugging we found an alternative way to show affection, as BuyerBeware mentioned. My son will touch his finger to your finger as a way of greeting. That's good enough for us at this particular time.

My child doesn't like hugging people but you always have that crazy people who thinks they are the exception and try to hug him.

Definitely depends on the kid. I strongly disagree with the unilateral assertion that kids should not be forced to hug. My son doesn't have sensory issues and I make him hug people - I made him get out of the car and hug his grandmother when we dropped her at the airport on Saturday even though he was engrossed with his iPad. It's basic respect and awareness of the feelings of others. Rejection has a negative physical feeling and we feel it in the same part of the brain that we feel physical pain. So a rejected hug hurts the other person. I agree with Yippy Skippy, the slight of rejection can linger for a long time.

Kids with sensory issues should be taught to do another kind of symbol of affection that might not involve touching and which grandma/grandpa can understand. And grandma/grandpa should be taught to accept it in place of a hug. They still might not want to do it, but they need to do it anyway.

It's an important lesson that providing comfort/acknowledgment in small ways is NOT a deep violation of your bodily integrity. I have to shake hands with people I don't like all the time. I have to hug people I might not choose to. And most people can get used to it. Playing rugby involves people touching me in really intimate ways - in my position a girl has to stick her arms up between my legs and another holds onto my thigh - and since I started playing I'm a lot less bothered by people touching me.

This is ironic. I couldn't help but laugh when I read it thinking how many times my attempts to reach out have been met with rejection and disapproval.
It seems one's feelings only count if they are accompanied by appropriate behaviour.

Yeah--appropriate and expected are the rules of the game--for sure.

My son was doing a summer program and often times the other kids were louder and breaking more rules than he was (in other words, he did really well) but b/c he was acting in ways that were unusual, like laughing at things no one else thought was funny, he got glared at by a lot of folks.

If he were the least bit observant about other kids' reactions, (and cared about them) he would have felt really bad. An NT would have felt horrible. The other kids were breaking rules, but in an expected way---so you know, that wasn't a thing to glare at. I was annoyed on his behalf---but that is how it goes.

Social interaction is kind of like a dance, and metaphorically, you have to know the moves and be able to do them without looking at your feet, while you do it. Anything else, and you stick out in a negative way.

When I was growing up I think it would have been invaluable for me to have been taught no one has a right to do anything with my body that makes me uncomfortable, against my will. The exception being to prevent harm or damage to myself, and even that exception has to be exercised judiciously. It seems to me if we teach kids that they have to allow adults, or other people, to touch or interact with them in ways they find objectionable, simply because it's expected, then we end up eroding their ability to learn to set boundaries for themselves as adults.