Stimming driving me crazy

Post Reply New Topic

My son is four years old. I am having a hard time coping with the stimming. Turning lights on and off; opening and closing doors; opening and shutting the refrigerator; standing on the table and twisting the chandelier; screwing around with door stoppers and screaming when I pull him away. Sticking his finger into my scalp. Scratching me. Swallowing swimming pool water even when I ask him to stop 1000 times. Why does the self sabotage everything ? I take him swimming and he swallows swimming pool water. I take him to Hawaii and all he wants to do is open and close the door. I carry him on my shoulders when he's tired of walking and he jabs my scalp with his fingernail. He says "my belly button" over and over again.

He's cute, I love him no matter what, but I hope it gets better.

I'm going to say this as nicely but clearly as I can- you need to get over this because it's not about you.

There are things you listed that could be dangerous or harmful like playing with chandlers and maybe flicking the lightswitch. When he does things like this, redirect him to other stimming activities.

Opening and closing the door, though? If it drives you crazy, go in another room. I'm sure there are things you do that drive him crazy, too. You can't and shouldn't change who he is, but you don't have to be present all the time that he's entertainjng himself. Same with drinking pool water- if you want to tell him not to drink pool water because it's something mothers do, go right on ahead. However, if it feels like nagging and it's driving you crazy, just let it go. It's not worth pool water coming between your relationship with your son.

As someone who is Autistic, stimming is one of the best things about being Autistic. It feels profoundly relaxing like having a glass or two of wine, but much more healthy. I would be really upset if someone tried to take that from me.

I don't think anyone wants to stop an autistic child from stimming. But there are somethings that are very dangerous (my son tries to swing off the chandelier too ! !)

When it become about safety, it becomes about the parent. Digging nails into someone else's scalp may be very relaxing to the autistic person, but it still hurts someone else physically. Pool water is not always hygenic so some moms have a real issue with it. We "nag":because we dont want our kids to get diarrhea or fall seriously ill with some random infection. You can't avoid swimming (it is great for developing gross motor skills and coordination), so the tradeoff is to "nag" (aka remind the kids to not drink pool water) whilst providing the opportunity.

And its not always possible to redirect some individuals, esp kids like my son who gets very aggressive if you interfere with his stimming even when he places himself in danger doing so.

It is not always about the autistic relaxing. Sometimes its about their health and safety, and the health and safety of their families and other people too.

I thought I made it clear that I did not think that stimming that affects health and safety was ok like playing with the chandelier or the light switches. If I did not, I will- stimming that affects health and safety is not ok. I forgot to comment on the scratching, but I don't think that's ok, either.

It's the annoying things, like drinking pool water or opening and closing doors, that need to be tolerated. Sure, you could get sick from drinking pool water, but it's not very likely. It's not likely enough to drive yourself crazy over.

Autistic people need to stim in order to self-regulate. It's important, even if it's annoying or there is a tiny chance it could give them diarrhea. If you have to redirect, you should redirect to a safer way to stim but not shut down stimming entirely.

First thank you very much for the reply. Also I am trying to keep in mind that it's difficult as this is for me it must be even more difficult for my son. The opening and closing of the door does drive me nuts. Especially when we are in vacation like we are now and he wants to open and shut the door bothering other people besides ourselves. About drinking the pool water --- he did get sick after this. It may have been coincidence or not. Also for what it's worth I am his father not his mother. Thank you for giving me the perspective of an autistic person. Some of the stims like I said in my post have put me over-the-top at times. I have been trying deep breathing and trying to visualize peaceful settings and religious figures when he stims, because quite frankly I need to stop myself from getting enraged. I guess it could be relaxing to him to focus on opening and shutting the door as supposed to do things around him that he should be paying attention to. And it's not practical or feasible to let him stim all of the time. Of late he wants to screw around with the door stoppers at restaurants and he goes nuts when we do not let him.

You're darn tooting. Thanks. When he digs his nails into my scalp it hurts. He also likes to rip my glasses off my face. This has been a huge challenge, and I've had some biggies.

I hear you. I think I would lose it almost instantly with some of the stuff you have mentioned.

Somehow, you have to make it clear that inflicting pain on others is absolutely off limits. I am pretty sure that I instilled this in my kids by a combination of strong (probably wrong) reactions when they hurt me and severe disapproval when they hurt each other.

I probably did everything a bit wrong and don't feel experienced enough with the kind of thing you are talking about to add anything useful, though I am pretty sure there are some other parents here who have.

I think your struggle with this is heroic and I salute you. I hope it gets better soon and I hope you get some good practical suggestions on techniques for managing this.

Good luck.

Edited to add:

Another recent thread had a link you might find useful: viewtopic.php?t=289491
And momsparky and btbnnyr had good advice there.

I have no idea how I would survive all this as someone who is also on the autistic spectrum. If having a dog in the house that wouldn't quit peeing inside it drove me literally crazy to a point where I literally wanted to kill it before mother nature did and it gave me tremendous anxiety and I acted out even more, it's scary for me to imagine how I would be during all this with your child.

Maybe see if you can redirect him to safer stims when he does dangerous or harmful stims?

If you're on vacation, he's probably stimming more because of the change in routine and being overwhelmed. Stimming is done to balance out stress. I highly, highly recommend getting a larger hotel room. Keep bedtime, naptime, and meal times consistent. Is he verbal enough to tell you when sounds or lights or crowds are bothering him? To begin with, the a/c in hotels is LOUD and it's right beside the bed. Turn it off when your son is trying to relax. The food on vacations is different and can be unwanted textures, smells and tastes. Bring familiar snacks with you. Also, often NT people want to schedule vacation days full of activity. That much activity without down time can be too much for Autistic kids. Be sure to give him nap time, even if he doesn't sleep, and maybe let him have 30 min of tv before meals to chill out before going to a loud restaurant that has unfamiliar food.

I'm not saying that you should let him do things that could hurt him or anyone else (and running free at restaurants where servers are carrying hot dishes qualifies). Just let him do the things that aren't hurting anyone. You'd do well to invest in a solid pair of soundproof headphones. I promise you don't have to listen to your kid slamming the door.

Remember, too, that your son is only four. Sometimes all four year olds have to leave restaurants early because they can't handle it. All four year olds are loud. All four year olds annoy their parents, and I'm pretty sure that all parents annoy their four year olds. When my completely-NT daughter was four, sometimes she would talk SO MUCH that I'd have to tell her my favorite song was on the radio and turn the volume up so I couldn't hear her. Sometimes she'd

Post in progress

Exactly what the previous poster said above- your son is probably swimming a lot more while you are vacation because of all the changes. He needs a way to regroup and relax and maintain composure while dealing with all the things that stress him out.
We're on vacation now with my son (5 years old) and he has been stimming like crazy too. We travel a lot and have realized this is his way of dealing with the changes. If you think about the changes he is dealing with, they are pretty tremendous: different food, bed, routine, surroundings, climate/temperature/weather, people, smells and sights... and on and on.

We found the best thing is to provide convenient outlets for my son to let off steam whenever possible and we have a bunch of stimming toys and comfort items that we bring everywhere. Try to understand what he likes about the stims he's doing and see if you can recreate it so that it's more comfortable for you. Does he like fiddling with locks? Get him a little suitcase lock from the hotel shop. Is it the opening and closing? My son likes to do that with boxes and containers that snap closed. You are on the right track with visualizations to stay calm. It's also good that you remember that everything is a lot harder for him.

edited to add: Also like the previous poster said, investigate and see if there is anything else (on top of all the overwhelming changes) that might be bothering your son. Somethings can't be made to be exactly as they are at home, but you can look for creative solutions or compensate in other ways to make things easier for him.