New here, came for advice

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Hi guys I'm new here and to all of this and was hoping I could get some advice.

So I'll save the long and complicated back story, but my boyfriend had to leave his infant son with his brother 4 years ago. My boyfriend is now in a position to regain custody and we talked about it and were both preparing for it. When he got in touch with his brother about it we found out they believe he has Asperger's. He is 4, having trouble potty training (I'm not sure to what extent- if he is still in diapers, if he wets his pants 10 times a day, if he's in pull ups), he's having trouble speaking as well. He's not speaking in complete sentences yet or even remotely close (again I don't know to what extent). They also said he is having temper tantrums, which I can only assume are actually meltdowns and not tantrums. However his problem solving skills are off the charts and he tested borderline genius. He has to have a master lock on his bedroom door because those problem solving skills powered through every baby gate and nailed 2x4 they put up so he wouldn't escape in the middle of the night and get into trouble.

I have not spoken to his brother and this is pretty much all we know right now. We just found this out a couple of days ago. I don't particularly know anything about AS or Autism or any of it. My speciality is in bipolar, as my mother and sister both have it. I suspect that removing the child from his home and familiar surroundings would be a disaster ? But then I wonder if there is any way to do it so that he's comfortable and it doesn't just flip his world upside down. Can it be done gradually over 6 months or a year's time? Spending days with us and then once he's comfortable spend one night at a time and gradually increase until he lives with us permanently? Is that even an option? I'm scared that it's going to come down to leaving him where he is because that's what's best for him and I just know my boyfriend would be crushed if he couldn't ever have his son back. But I know at the end of the day what's most important is what's best for the child. Anyone have any thoughts/advice?

At the end of the day, it will need to be about what is best for the child. Anyone who truly loves their child will want, simply, what is best for them. Even if that breaks your own heart as a parent.

Parenting a child with ASD requires a unique touch. I think the first step will be getting to know the child and getting a broader understanding of his issues and needs. So much of parenting an ASD child has to come down to instinct, and knowing your child. REALLY WELL. That isn't something you can achieve with the completion of paperwork.

While you need to discuss it with an attorney, I would assume that it would be possible to get legal custody while leaving physical custody fungible. This situation would lock in your boyfriend's parental rights while allowing him to separately decide what the most beneficial living arrangement might be. Your instinct that you can't just up and move this child is 100% correct; I would never, ever do that to an ASD child. It will have to be a long and slow transition, if it is going to happen at all.

If the child is well bonded with the brother's family, and they have been effective in understanding and advocating for his needs, I don't know that I would move him at all. But, that is something none of us in this discussion can know; your boyfriend will have to go through the long, slow process of getting to know his child on a deeper level first, and testing his own ability to respond to his needs. One thing to be aware of: many ASD kids can hold their stress in when around people they don't feel safe with yet, but will release it once they are in their safe place. So finding that the child isn't melting down with you like he does at "home" is not necessarily a positive sign. You really have to play it by instinct.


Good luck.

I agree that what's most important is what's best for the child, regardless of how difficult that decision may be. However, I'm not a parent so it's easy for me to just say that and expect him to make that decision.

I suspect it will be a very long process, if ever a process at all. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. To walk in and tell any 4 year old you're their father, and not the man that has been their whole life, and uproot them into a new home is hard enough. Trying to do that with a child that understands things differently than most is probably a million times harder. I just don't even know what is a realistic plan as of now, I'm fairly lost. We live in Georgia and his son is in Florida. It's not a problem for us to move if we have to, but what then? Just visit him every day and try and get to know him? I know it will be a baby steps process I just don't even know which baby step to take.

I think if he really wants to be with his son, he moves. Raising an ASD child can be challenging, and creating a situation where both brothers are a help to each other would probably be a blessing for the family. So, if I was your boyfriend, I would start with the assumption I want to see and get to know my child and be part of the team that raises him, regardless of what official capacity that ends up being in. Once he is there and integrated into the child's life, the best steps to take next may well make themselves apparent.

I'm trying to imagine where your boyfriend was for four years that justifies him never having any communication with his son or his brother. Prison? Deployed abroad in the military? Neither of those scenarios would prevent him from at least writing letters to his brother and keeping updated on his son's development.
Was he in a coma for four years?

I want to commend you for coming here and asking. And for trying to help your boyfriend find a way to make this work. I think that you will find your experience with bipolar to be more of a help to you than you may have initially thought. You already know that sometimes things are not the way they are "supposed" to be and it isn't always a matter of motivation or trying harder. Sometimes it just is. You probably also have already come to appreciate that sometimes what others see as a "disability" can have some pretty remarkable benefits/gifts as well. You have probably already learned to see things outside of the confines of what society says "should be" to embrace a broader conceptualization of "reality."

Do you know how your boyfriend's brother feels about this? What kind of relationship does he have with his brother? There is one thing that no one has mentioned yet...it should not be taken as a foregone conclusion that his son is in an appropriate environment now. I don't want to sound negative, but not all parents of kids on the spectrum are good parents.

If you guys have the ability to move, it would seem to be a rational next step. I don't know how you could assess these things from a distance, and I don't know what kind of progress you could make living a state apart.

InThisTogether,

His brother and sister in law seem to be reluctantly okay with it, only because it was a temporary situation from the beginning. I say reluctantly because they have been raising him, so of course there's some attachment. I haven't spoken to either of them but from here I'm under the impression they're doing well with him. I guess as well as you can? She has 2 sons of her own that are close to his age and they are all attached to each other. I have no reason to believe he's not in a good situation, but that's actually an excellent point I hadn't considered yet. Neither one of us have been there to see. As soon as his Veterans Affairs claim is processed and he's able to take leave from work he plans to go down for a few weeks and get a better idea about what's going on. Basically I've already accepted that we are moving. Which is fine with me, I have no ties to where we live now and no objection to Florida. Whatever needs to happen to make this work.

I hope you are right that my experience with bipolar will help. I know the bare minimum about ASD but understand more than I'd like that bipolar people live in their own warped world parallel to ours. I guess ASD would be similar concept just different execution.

[Sorry I don't know how to quote text from my silly phone]

I suspect you will probably find it helpful to rethink this after having learned more about it.

Bipolar has a number of types which can be quite different but all characterized by dramatic and unpredictable mood swings. This means the salient symptoms are emotional in nature.

The autism spectrum is extremely diverse but is defined by deficits in social communication and social interaction and Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities. Autistic people often also have sensory sensitivity issues. This means the salient features are based in perceptual differences and patterns of thought, not emotion. Autism is not characterized by any particular mood or emotional quality.

It's probably not going to be helpful to conceptualize the particular expression of ASD in your boyfriend's son as him living in his own warped world parallel to yours. You may find that it's more helpful to see him as living in the same world, but having different senses and a difficulty understanding the inner states of others. He will likely find it challenging to "walk in other people's shoes" but he will be walking the same paths.

Stay here and ask questions. You will be able to learn what you need. Just keep in mind that my daughter was diagnosed before she was 2 and she is almost 10 now...I am still learning.

Just some words of advice about participating on forums like this. I didn't participate here in the beginning. I was someplace else that is now pretty much defunct. Even though you are posting in the parents subforum, some of us are on the spectrum too, and sometimes we are visited by people from the main board who are on the spectrum and do not have kids. My advice is to take a step back from anything that seems initially provocative, rude, or inappropriate and try to figure out what the underlying message may be. Also remember that many adults grew up without the benefit of a diagnosis and were mistreated most of their lives for things they could not control. For some people, there is a significant amount of skepticism against NTs (neurotypicals) and parents. Sometimes there is anger and resentment. For example, your comment above about a "warped world" may get you some negative responses. Just try to take a step back and think of how it feels to grow up your whole life and be told there is something "wrong" or "warped" about you. I initially found being confronted about things like that to be very helpful because it helped me learn to re-train my brain and the way it perceives autism. I would say things that were perceived as rude, not because I intended to be rude, but because I was ignorant. One of the best things you can do for your boyfriend and his son right now is to learn how to navigate the "culture" of autism. It is very helpful to shun old stereotypes, to redefine inaccurate beliefs and to truly come to peace with the idea that different does not mean inferior, broken, wrong, or bad. It just means different. Hanging out here helps you to do these things, particularly if you go over to the other forums and just read.

I agree completely and I apologize. My rude comment was aimed specifically at my mother and my experience with her bipolar as well as my sister's. It has not been kind to me. In no way do I have any ill will or any negative thoughts about any form of Autism. I should have specified that. I want to learn about the spectrum as much as I can so I can understand and be respectful. That's why I'm here

"Some attachment"? I think that's a gross understatement. They've been raising this child for four years, with zero involvement from his bio father. He will be like a son to them, regardless of the original arrangement. And they are the only family this little boy has ever known.
A child is a person, not a toy you set aside and then come back to play with again later. Your boyfriend seems irresponsible and immature to me. And is he expecting you to play mommy? Children need stability - what happens if you two break up? You seem like a nice person, but I don't think you and your boyfriend fathom what it really means to be parents.