Son can't stop hugging the dog

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Hi, I originally posted this in another section, so apologies for cross-posting.

We got a dog last year (a miniature poodle puppy). The dog does not like to be hugged, and makes his displeasure known by growling, but my recently diagnosed (with 'mild' Asperger's) 12-yr old still tries to hug him whenever he’s nearby. The dog will tolerate the hug for a couple of minutes but then gets tired of it and that's when he starts to growl. The dog doesn’t seem to mind when we (the adults) snuggle him at all – it’s just my son.

When I remind my son that the dog is not a ‘hugger,’ and that he must respect the dog’s feelings, my son says the dog is irresistible and he can’t help wanting to hug him to show him how much he loves him. I then explain that loving someone means respecting their feelings, even if you’d rather they felt a different way.

I then say something along the lines of, ‘The dog is learning to associate you with negative things and if it continues I’m afraid your relationship with him will be ruined. I’ve explained this every way I know how but it’s not working. What can I say that will help you respect Jack’s [the dog’s] feelings?’

His answer? ‘Nothing.’

I’ve asked the psychologist who diagnosed my son to weigh in, and she says she thinks he’s craving sensory stimulation and that ABA therapy might help. We’re on the waiting list for an intake appointment but I’m not sure what to do in the meantime.

It’s frustrating because even though we have talked about it a hundred times, he still doesn’t respect the dog’s feelings. Not only that, but one of his chores is to take the dog out the first thing in the morning, but he refuses to do it until he gets his hugs in, no matter if the dog clearly needs to go outside.

We’ve finally started implementing a rule that if I have to ask him twice to take the dog out he loses 15 minutes of electronics time, which seems to help, but I just don’t understand why he doesn’t care about the dog’s feelings when he professes to love him.

Is it the Asperger’s? The OCD? I honestly don’t get it.

Has anyone else had any similar experiences and/or found a way to successfully work with their child on this? Thanks.

P.S. Perhaps of interest, he loves playing, 'Ark: Survival Evolved' and lost all the animals he'd spent hours painstakingly 'taming' the other day due to a glitch in the software. He said losing those animals was even worse than what he imagines it would feel like if we died.

Would the dog bite him if you didn't interfere, and how would you feel about that? The reason I ask is that I had a similar situation with my son and our cat. I kept telling him that the cat didn't like being grabbed and jostled, and that he was going to get scratched, but he wouldn't listen. Finally I gave up, he got scratched a couple of times, and now he rarely bothers the cat. Years later the cat still doesn't like him, though.

If he is craving sensory input, ABA is not going to help him. Is he on a sensory diet? You could try reading The Out of Sync Child if you are not familiar. Also, if you google "heavy work activities" you will find lists of things that might help if he is sensory seeking.

Have you tried to explain that he is not showing the dog how much he loves him when he is hugging him? He is actually showing him how much he doesn't care about the dog and only cares about himself. When he hugs the dog, he is selfishly making himself feel better and the dog worse. Sometimes if I am very blunt like that, it helps. My son is supposed to groom our cat and he hadn't done it in over a week. I was trying to nicely prompt him to do it and he just kept on "forgetting." I told him he was guilty of animal neglect yesterday. The cat was nicely groomed today.

I would tell him that either he stops hugging the dog or he is not allowed to touch it at all.

^^^Yes. I would do the same. I would be very straightforward. And if he protested the ultimatum, I would point out that I would not let somebody else do something that physically bothered my child that much either. I would stick up for the child and tell that person they had to stop, because it's not ok to do something to someone that causes that person to feel that uncomfortable, and so that is what you are also doing for the dog.

I also think it's really important that you be firm on this because he needs to understand that it's NOT ok in other circumstances to disregard the feelings of another and touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable no matter how much you want to. He needs to work on these boundaries so that he does not get misunderstood or get in trouble down the road. I would probably be concerned about this. This may not be an issue for your son, as he may not connect that animals and humans have the same feelings and thinks animals don't deserve the same respect, and he may not be inclined to keep touching/ hugging a person if they objected. But, I would make sure he also understood this just in case. And, in the latter case, I would explain that animals get bothered/ deserve their personal space/ deserve respect just as people do.

I also find that it works to remind my kid of a specific situation when he felt upset that is similar. Like, in this case, I would remind my kid about how upset he was when somebody just would not stop doing something he hated, and remind him how hurt he felt. It helps him to understand another's perspective if he can directly relate it to something that happened to him.

If he is attached to imaginary animals in a game as much as real animals, maybe he is really attached to the idea of animals and is superimposing that idea on the real dog? If so, and if sensory stimulation is part of it, maybe a soft toy dog would be an acceptable alternative for hugging?

In any case, I agree with Fitzi and InThisTogether. I might even extend Fitzi's idea and immediately do something annoying and mildly unpleasant to him, such as tugging on his hair, every time I saw him hugging the dog. I vaguely recall doing something demonstrative like this with my son at some point when he discovered the power of annoying his sister. She would be in tears and he would be laughing and her retaliations were always so far removed from the event that they weren't discouraging him.

If your son can't or won't stop hugging the dog, I'd strongly suggest finding a new home for the pup for the following reasons:

1. Not unlike kids, dogs are 100% dependent on adult humans for food, shelter and protection.

2. Even the sweetest pup on earth will bite the 4,567th time he's assaulted... And it will be considered the DOG's fault.

3. A dog bite that requires medical attention or is seen by a mandated reporter (like a teacher) will be reported to CPS. If it happens a second time, the dog may well be put down. The dog could lose his life because your son lacks the self-control to not hurt the dog!

4. Your pup deserves NOT to be physically assaulted (hugged against his will) by your son on a regular basis. If he can't be taught not to assault the dog, it is incumbent upon YOU as the responsible grownup to find a safe new home for the dog!

Please do the right thing!

This is a TOM issue that my son shares: he is thinking of how he feels and not how the dog feels - HE likes and needs hugs, and as far as he's concerned, the whole universe likes and needs hugs unless THEY expressly stop you. He can't see that the dog would stop him if it could.

I don't think telling him he is selfish will work: my DS isn't selfish - he is incredibly empathetic with animals and even stuffed animals are important to him. He would attack anyone who hurt his dog...but he doesn't process that doing things that feel good to him don't feel good to the dog until the dog actually snarls at him. I suppose you can frame that as selfish, but IMO it isn't quite the same thing as being unable to see things from the dog's point of view.

I'd try a couple of things: I think a token system isn't a bad idea; part of it is you have a pattern you need to break. Set it up, keep it consistent, and don't escalate it if you don't get results: it takes time.

Make sure you are pointing out the specific cues the dog is giving to express that it doesn't like being hugged. Tail, ears, position of head, position of body, the dog running away, the dog avoiding him. He needs to understand the dog is communicating and how to read it.

I think, also, comparing a congruent situation he's experienced ("you know how you hate it when your grandmother hugs you so hard you can't breathe? That's how you are making dog feel when you hug it. That's horrible to make the dog feel that way, isn't it?") Be explicit, find a concrete memory where he felt trapped or squashed and didn't like it.

Is a person in his life using the "I can't help it" excuse to violate HIS personal space - maybe a well-meaning relative? In that case, you've got some damage control to do; you're going to have to tell him you either didn't know or were wrong to allow that to happen, and that you will help him make sure the relative respects his space just like he needs to respect the dog.

Try telling him that if he can't follow the rule, he can't interact with the dog at all. Remove the dog every time he goes to hug it before he gets the chance. Again, break the pattern - I think this also means that he needs a different chore than taking the dog out (or that a different chore will be assigned if he can't take the dog out without hugging it, not as a punishment - tell him that when he is ready to understand the dog's needs he can help take care of it again.)

Does he have a stuffed animal? See if you can pick out a stuffed animal together that he can hug. Explain that a dog has its own feelings and needs and is different from a toy that can be hugged anytime. Trying some sensory things may help, too - a compression shirt, etc.

If nothing works, I think you may have to consider that a dog may not be a good fit right now. There are plenty of rescue organizations that understand that there are extenuating circumstances and will help you find a good home for the dog without it going to a shelter.

Try showing him what kinds of affection the dog likes. For example, does the dog like being petted, or having his belly scrubbed, or being played with? Then tell him that when he feels like hugging the dog, he should do that instead.

Alternately, it might be possible to train the dog to like hugs (assuming they aren't causing him pain or something). Get a pack of dog treats, make sure that the dog really likes those treats, then have your son briefly hug the dog and then feed him a treat. If an activity is paired with a reward, very often that activity will become rewarding as well.

I wanted to weigh in as I have a son who hugs the dog to this day. I got the dog a year before my son was born. Up until 5 years of age he pretty much ignored the dog and the cat. When he was around 7 years old he was bit in the face for hugging our dog. The dog felt terrible about it as he kept licking my son afterward. I think my son learned to a point with that dog. We got a new dog 2 years ago and my son is now 16. He hugs the dog when he is feeling anxious and upset. The new dog likes it as both my kids hugged him as a pup. So I feel that my current dog and cat are like a source of therapy to my son. He really connects to our pets. He is smart enough not to mess with strange dogs and cats. I don't really have advice other than some have to learn the hard way and that is my son.