The etiquette for gift giving and receiving

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Does anyon else have problems with their AS child and gifts?

Hannah was recently given a My little Pony as a gift, she already had this pony and turned to the lady who gave it to her and said
"I already have this one, you can have it back". Very practical, but rude.

I was horrified and very embarrassed, even though it happens a lot with her. My friend understood because she knows Hannah and a fair bit about AS (she did some research after Hannah was dx).

I should be used to this behaviour, but I'm not. I've been trying to get her to understand that she should be thankful for anything she gets, but it's useless to her if it's not what she wanted or something she needs. I don't think she intends to be rude, but she's so practical that she doesn't need two of something and if she doesn't want it she doesn't see the need to keep it.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do you deal with it? And what do you say to the people who are offended and don't know anything about AS? Is it even an AS thing or is it just rude behaviour?

For me I guess I see your daughter's behavior as being considerate from an Aspie point of view. She isn't being selfish and accepting a gift she doesn't need - she is returning it to the person. I KNOW however that you are supposed to smile and nod and there are all sorts of complicated gift giving/thanking things that NT society is very fixated on. I refused to write thank you notes before because they are unnessary and it is weird of people to expect them after they have already been sincerely thanked. And the way they watch for those notes and compare them with one another is a sorry commentary about NT social rules. If someone sends me one I don't even read them because they are insincere and people are forced to write them because of tradition.

So as far as approaching this with your daughter - I would simply explain that people do NOT understand things when they are different. Instead of focusing on perceived inabilities of those on the spectrum turn it around and explain the limitations that NT's have also. Tell her they are very sensitive and simply MUST have things done a certain way (lol). That may get her attention more when you outline gift protocal.

Walk-in-the-rain, I agree fully with your first paragraph. I had all sorts of grief because (though thoroughly conditioned to be a good NT) I didn't act appropriately with gift giving. I had a gift taken away because my parents decided to put a condition on it. (a graduation gift, that they decided I should hug and kiss to show my gratitude for) As a grown up, my mom has given me addressed cards to fill out for people that lent me things I didn't want to use.

As far as your second paragraph goes, while I have approached NT social rules from that angle, I have never thought of it in terms of gift-giving. It's really clever. I'll have to think about it.

It certainly is AS behavior. It is very logical to give something back if you already have one. Do know about Social Stories and how to write them? This is the perfect thing for a Social Story so Hannah can learn how the other person feels. She probably had no idea that it was rude.

I would also suggest a book for children on etiquette. She's going to have to be formally taught proper social etiquetee and aspies love to read.

My mother once brought my oldest sister out trick or t reating when she was two. She went to every door, got her "treat" stuck her head in the bag, and when seeing what the "new addition" was, came up smiling!

Then, she came to a house where a woman gave her a banana. She stuck her head in the bag, stuck a hand in the bag, and came up with the banana in hand, and gave it back!

The woman was not amused, and my mother was mortified.

At 2, this is very common, by 6 or 9, in the NT world, it isn't.

I think you just have to accept your daughter and all her tacklessness. I am not saying, don't continue to try and teach her better manners, but in a case like this, where your friend knows her history, understands AS, and isn't upset with her, don't feel shame or embarassment! Your daughter will pick up on it, and come to feel along with a 100 or 1000 other things, that you are ashamed of her, or find her unacceptable. Remember, AS individuals don't read body language well, and can have a very hard time unstanding what other people are thinking. There is a lot of room for misinterpretation, and once it is made, it will be very very difficult to turn around. If she comes to feel you disprove of HER, it will be just about impossible to change her mind, and will have longstanding psycological impact to her self esteem.

I would try to have a conversation with her regarding the responses of gift giving. Perhaps prior to getting a gift, before meeting the people with a gift, say "so and so has tried really hard to find you something nice, and they are really excited about what they got for you! Now, they may have got you something that you don't like or may already have, but they don't know that." It is really going to hurt their feelings if they find out you don't like it, or already have one. You don't want to disapoint them right?"

I found this worked really well with my son. I also suggested that we may be able to return it if it is a duplicate for store credit. (emphisising that it will be rude to say this to someone who gave you the gift, because it would hurt their feelings). This gave my son a "purpose" for the item he did not want or need, it had value! And because he did not want to hurt the persons feelings, he would keep mum about his "plans" with the item!

Personally, even today, my son is very robotic about getting gifts, he has a hard time showing appreciation. I accpet that about him., and if someone asks, I let them know that he is very excited, just internalizes it, and tend to follow up with them to discribe how my son is appreciating the gift or using it down the road. like, "oh yeah, that bobble headed Aligator you gave him, he took it as soon as you left and made a special place for it on his shelf, and says good night to it everynight! That helps others understand that indeed, he did like it, and I am right in saying he just could not express the emotion when he got it!

Then again, I am the same way, having been written off as a snob or disinterested when I recieved a gift from people. (it looks like I have AS too). Getting a gift sends me into a panic, because I fear confrontation or name calling over my response down the road. You don't want to do that to your daughter. It is not a fun way to live!

When my son was 12, his step-grandma on his father's side gave him Hot Wheels for his birthday. She thought that he would be thrilled because she had seen him playing Hot Wheels with his cousin who was 4 years younger than him. Little did she know that my son and I had previously had a conversation about appropriate behavior when you visit someones house and how he was supposed to play with his cousin while he was there (I had gotten some negative feedback about him ignoring his cousins).

Anyway, when his grandma asked him if he liked his gift, he said "NO", why don't you give it to (the cousin), he likes Hot Wheels."

To this day, I still hear about how rude my child is because of that one incident. This is all from an ex-family that really doesn't believe in "Aspergers" or "Learning Disabilities". They think that it is just an excuse for bad parenting and rude behavior.

What I did was explain to my son how sad his grandma felt because she really wanted to make him happy. I explained to him how it is a good thing to be honest, but sometimes you have to find a way to be honest without hurting someones feelings. Maybe he could skip answering the direct question and comment on the color. For instance he could say "The blue car is really pretty." Or he could say "I'm sure they will go really fast." These are ways to satisfy the questioner without having to lie.

I don't know if it made any difference, because we haven't run into another situation where someone has specifically asked him if he liked a gift. All of the ex-in-laws now just give my kids cash. My kids always thank them at the time of receiving the money, but this year I had them write "Thank You" notes because of all of the grief I have gotten over my "rude" children.

Honestly, now I try to avoid people like my ex-in-laws. I'm tired of trying to explain my son's behavior to people who have no interest in truly getting to know him. If all they can see and worry about is getting properly thanked for a gift, then they are not worth our time and energy. Everyone talks about how they value honesty, but when they run into it face to face they would much rather have everyone continue telling those social lies that make them feel warm and fuzzy.

Sandy

Oh, ain't that the truth!

I think it is important to teach kids formal manners simply because it makes it easier to navigate the NT world. They should be taught formally, as a set of rules, or a set of social scripts to run simply to smooth the way. It should be presented as learning another language rather than in an emotionally charged discussion over feelings. Cognitively. Use simple cause and effect. Let them know what the other person expects and thinks. Their sibs should be taught the same thing.

As a society, we are failing to define clear behavior boundries and this is causing much distress for aspies. We need clear and concise rules about these things and need them taught early.

I would suggest reading "Unwritten Rules of Social Behavior," by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. I think it would help parents understand what exactly is missing and what needs to be taught.

It isn't available in my area, but an asperger support group in Ontario actually uses "plays" and acting with older kids, 8+ to teach social skills. This is because Aspie children do tend to do well with scripts and rote speach...

Maybe they are not the most "fluid" of actors, but for them, it is good fun! And they will then out in the "real world" identify with the "scripts" they learn.

I have never cared for gifts, except appreciating them when given with a sincere intention or something a person has realy made his/her soul and tries to give me. I've most of the time forgotten my brother and sisters and my birthday and christmas a couple of times, but when I see something fit I can buy a unexpected gift/present. Most people that know me for "Who/What" I am has accepted that, I ratherly get a piece of driftwood from my midst son, a unexpressive piece of paper from my youngest with a real serious effort to trie to draw something, and a canvas with a beautiful manga drawing from my daughter instead of all the other junk you get and you toss in the garbage as soon as possible. My ex gave me a microwave oven as housewarming gift when I moved into this apartment. Don't spend money on unnessecary junk. My midst son has totaly agreed on this, so he has been stuck with me like glue for the last four days, because he doesn't bother either with things like easter eggs (it's better if I buy the candy myself so I can be sure i'm not allergic to it).

It's only for the last years I've remembered that my brother and sister even had a birthday, so It's been a shock for them every time I've called them to congratulate one year closer to retirement... Without my calendar I would not have thought of it (courtesy of my ex that is the planner, I'm the doer)

Just the old-fashioned kind of manners will do. That is one of the points that Temple makes in the book. The book is at Amazon so you can one-click your way to enlightenment. You can even get an insant Amazon credit card. I have a bad Amazon habit, I'm afraid.