dreading family get together

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I have siblings with "perfect children" and judgemental spouses and when we get together as a group, it's always a nightmare. My kid (who's the oldest of the 9 kids) exposed the hiding place of a younger cousin during a game of hide and seek last visit. Well, she started crying and somebody must have asked why and the father yells loudly M gave away her hiding place - in a really obnoxious, superior tone of voice. It doesn't take much to read between the lines - bad kid, bad parents!!

On the way home M says - I don't think my cousins like me. I'm not going again.

When he was younger, I tried to explain his issues to my parents and siblings but got blank stares and little interest so I stopped trying. And my equally judgemental mother wonders why she doesn't have much of a relationship with me (we have a long difficult history).

Anyway, we're suppose to get together for Easter and while I like my siblings, I dread the visit.

Anyone relate?

Maybe give your own children activities to do without the cousins and if you're questioned about it, explain that your kids need something else to do. My dad stood up for me once when Grandma complained that I wouldn't play with my cousins. He said, "Maybe Kim doesn't like them, they're brats!" I don't think I'll ever forget that vacation because my dad never stood up for me at any other time. It started an argument.
Maybe this isn't so helpful. But don't be afraid to support your kids, you don't have to fault their AS either. Judgemental is akin to naivetee in that case.

KimJ - thanks for your response. Do you remember not liking your cousins?

When M was younger, it was easier to find things to entertain him. He's 14 now (and an only child) and will bounce between his cousins and the adults looking for something to do. He refuses to bring music or a gameboy or something to entertain himself. I know part of him wants to be in with the group but he hasn't found a way to do it successfully. My husband will often organize a game to help entertain the kids and that helps. Dad doesn't really want to go either so maybe I'll leave the boys at home and go alone. Then, of course, I'll get the questions "Where are the boys?"

I can totally relate!! Several years back before we knew my son had asperger's, there was an incident w/ my sis-in-law. To make a long story short she got angry because my son said something inappropiate to her and she took offense (who's the adult here)? Ever since then I feel like I am on eggshells around her. My parents are really supportive and great but I know they don't totally "get it". My mother is Korean and there is that whole language barrier and she just doesn't really understand. When my parents and my 2 brothers and their kids all get together it is completely stressful for me. I am on top of T. making sure he says the right things and does the right things and isn't being too this and too that etc. He gets so excited to be around his cousins that he gets manic and hyper and is literally bouncing off the furniture and crawling around pretending to be a dog and yelling and jumping and it's so hard to control him. I can just imagine what my family is thinking. When we got the official diagnosis I wrote all my family members a long letter trying to explain things but again I don't think they really got it. One of my brothers is a psychiatrist with the "perfect kids" and on our last visit together made a comment to my dad that he didn't think all of my son's behavior was due to "Asperger's" that some of it was "learned behavior". You talk about someone being po'd. Also my son thought he was going to spend the night there(at grandpa's) with his cousins and at the last minute my brother tells me that T. can't sleep in the same room with his girls because the last time T. kept getting up to look at E. and it was making E. uncomfortable. After that I just wanted to get out of the house so I had to trick T. into getting in the car with me and we both cried on the way home. It was awful!! !! Yes I can totally relate!! !!

100%

The only difference, is my family is very supportive of the info I am now able to give them. It answers life long questions. But they tore me to shreds and my son in the past for our "odd ways" or "wrong ways". We where accused of being malicious, hurtful, stupid, not thinking or using our heads, mentally ill, selfish, and over sensitive.

I think you need to draft a letter to your mother, telling her how you feel, and what her lack of support does to you. I think you need to define what about Asperbers makes you and your son do the things you do, and that this is a real problem, not just a lack of parenting. You and your son need support and encouragement, not to be made to feel like you are bad or abnormal.

Lay all the cards on the table in a frank and honest way. If she and your family still don't relate or show support, don't feel obligated to subject yourself or your child to them!

If you need help with the letter, I am sure many of us here would be more then happy to help you "edit" it and keep it on track with a third party perspective.

Goku, yes, I didn't like my cousins as they were loud, bratty, the spoiled/neglected kind. That side of the family was very loud and showy. They were into the "kids belong in a group" so that when someone started crying or yelling too much, all the kids were yelled at collectively and at night, just sent to bed.
I remember once being punished for my cousins' behavior and my dad was quiet but seethed about it. It was like a box o' kids that get shoved from one place to the next. So, when I got into reading and chatting with the old folks, I'm sure that made Grandma defensive and curious. What's wrong with her, why isn't she acting like a kid?
My dad supported me that one time because those kids were real brats. They'd wander around the neighborhood and visit what I thought were strangers, were bullish etc. I didn't feel safe with them and didn't enjoy what they did.
BTW, a lot of my childhood experiences, seeing my parents deal with family they can't stand but appease anyways, dictate what we do. We will never bend over for a family event. They can't support us? Screw em! My mom has her surrogate grandchild and surrogate mom and whatnot, she's fine. I don't want to teach my son to appease people "just because it's family".

An older child that is bouncing off the walls needs sensory breaks and schedules. A lot of the open-ended chatting and loosely scheduled eating is very unnerving for my son. He needs to be directed at an activity. Too bad your 14-year old doesn't want his Game Boy. Nintendo DS is great for my son when travelling.

Helen36 - the walking on eggshells is so familar and the overcorrecting of behavior to show that you are parenting your kid is exactly what I used to do. It's really upsetting that your psychiatrist brother, of all people, was the most hurtful - unbelieveable. It's exactly that feeling of being shunned in so many small ways by the very people who are supposed to be supporting you above all that is devastating. I was crying with you in the car.

How old is your son now?

god a phyciatrist that doesn't understand aspergers, now i've heard everything

EarthCalling - Thanks for your words of support and encouragement. The problem is that my family is not openly unsupportive but they're not truely supportive either. I think it's more that they don't know what to do, so they don't do anything. And of course, the mixed messages between what they say and what they do - it doesn't always match. My siblings mean well and are getting there slowly. Dad is emotionally supportive but Mom is clueless and the out-laws are worse than useless. It's when everyone is together that the mob mentality takes over.

Families are so complicated and it's very hard to move forward without looking back. We're all stuck in a time warp and revert back to previously held roles. Only I don't like my role and when I try to change it, there is resistance from others because then their roles would have to change too and nobody wants the short straw. You're right about the real source of the problem though - my relationship with my mother. Something to think about.

I think it is all the more reason to lay the cards on the table, demand the support that you deserve, and stipulate if you don't get it, that you are going to withdraw from this type of activity with your family.

It is not an easy thing to do, that is for sure, but they need to understand that you will not budge on this. Either they give you and your child the respect you deserve, or not. It is that simple.

Often, I think that we Aspie's because of poor verbal communication, get used to being verbally outcompeted in conversation, and at the loosing end of an arguement, we loose the power. You need to get it back.

Just sate in a letter, that you are dreading the visit. State that it has nothing to do with not liking them, or even wanting to spend time with them, and that you know they all love you and want to spend time with them.

But state that historically you leave these types of visits, feeling bad and now your child does to. Give a few examples.

Make it clear, what you want them to do differently, and if they are not able to give you and your child this, then it may be better to take a vacation from family gatherings for awhile. Make it clear, that your child truely does not understand the rules of social engagement. It is not an excuse. Maybe use the "hide and seek" example. Say, "He did not understand why that was wrong, and you cannot expect him too, just like how you would not expect someone with a diminished mental capacity to be able to do complex algebra, even if he attended the whole class!

Perhaps also give a brief discription of the sensory difficulties your child has, and how these sorts of events lead to meltdowns because it is just too overwhelming.

Don't expect them to get it all at once. That is also not realistic. But they should at least show a desire to try. If they don't, by anymeans do NOT feel obligated to show up at these tourturous family events. You have more then just yourself to think about, your child is also picking up on the tension and percieving "dislike" with his cousins. That can't be healthy.

hubby and i don't visit *those* relatives anymore because of the stress it always put on us to "conform" to their ways. holidays were always stressful, and now they're much less stressful. we see the relatives we choose to see and avoid the ones we don't want to see...........this was not an easy break. keep in mind also, that we never got much support from them so the loss of their contact is painful but i'd rather have a sane household.
p.s.....the first year we decided to skip the family thing, we told them that one of the kids was sick...not truthful, but it got us out of going and having to explain something we'd been explaining year after year after year.

Goku - my son is 10 yrs. old. I know my family loves my son and I but they can't really truly understand unless they have a child w/ Asperger's and even then every child is different. They only see my son here and there they don't live with him everyday. Hang in there and do what you think is best for you and your family!!

Thanks everybody for your opinions and support. It's good to know I'm not alone.

I had a hard time fitting in with my cousins too, plus I had an over protective mom! She made it harder because she would prevent me from doing things with them...like going to movies unsupervised when I was 18!

My kid once told me he needed to be overprotected. I wish there was a consensus on the best way to parent these kids.

One of the side effects of being so on top of Pop's development, education and manners is that we're often his only friends. He calls me sis a lot and wants to do a lot of stuff with us. It's nice that he can trust us, but it will probably complicate his adolescence. It's one of the main reasons we want him in school, to have peer acquaintances.