destructive behavior

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I have a 16yr As and an 11 yr ADHD. They both tend to be very impulsive and destructive. My oldest was arrested for scratching cars when he was 12. This also caused us to be evicted and has put a dent in my credit.(My family had moved for my husbands work and then we seperated within months of the move) After living with friends and family the past 3 1/2 yrs i finally managed to get an apt. The problem is that although things have progressed with my son we still struggle with getting him to respect his environment, including my things and the apt. I am trying to give all of my children a stable environment, but I am terrified of loosing everything we have worked for. I seem to be yelling alot and I know that isn't helping. Does anyone have any advise on convincing both the boys that this is important. I also have a 14yr daughter but she has a hard time being responsible for them when I am at work.

Ever heard of the old term called "the belt"? lol

On a serious note, im like this myself, i used to be very distructive, im still quite impulsive at times, and sometimes need to just slow down.

Ever heard of the traffic light system?

This helps me alot if i feel really impulsive or agressive, i think of a set of traffic lights, and the light being at red, this automaticaly signals me to stop, and then when i have calmed down, it then moves onto amber, and eventually back to green again.

Sounds daft, but it does the trick IMO.

Sounds frustrating.Did your son ever exlain why he destroyed things.I have never understood random destruction,so I am afraid I cant offer any personal experience suggestions,it makes no sense to me.I guess you could try and explain to him your concerns and make your oldest feel some responsibility of your younger sons impulsiveness(even though he is impulsive himself).Sometimes feeling like you are being held responsible for someone else makes you more reponsable?Maybe he is also bored,needs some creative outlet to channel his destructive behavior,"he who can not create,destroyes".

Best of luck.

Your oldest son sounds like he was very pissed off about the upheaval in his life. He's immature and doesn't really understand divorces and moves in the way you do. Is he getting psychological services through his school? Sounds like you're in desperate need of family counseling. You need to make sure that both your children have IEPs and the services they are entitled to because of their disabilities. There is no way you can convince them of anything at this point, IMO.

I'm an aspie and very blount so please excuse my seemingly unsympathetic remarks. I also have 2 teens on the autisitic spectrum and it is not easy. But it is imperative that you focus on them and stop talking about your posessions with them. Those things can be replaced, but shattered relationships can't. Your oldest child is pushing your buttons and it is a cry for help. Get some help for him. I hope you heed my advice and wish you the best.

I agree with SeriousGirl that the destructive behavior is probably an expression of frustration about some kind of problem, or something he doesn't understand.

destructive behaviors are IMO hard to curtail...........son finally stopped his. couldn't really tell you why he stopped, or why he started...therapy has really helped him overall...so has making him repair that which he's broken or defaced

What kind of therepy have you found to be most effective?

I agree with Ster and SeriousGirl. Have your son see a counselor to help him work through some of the things that are bothering him, and you go sometimes too for family counseling. My son and his step dad go once or twice a month and it has really helped them work through some of their issues. Stop yelling at him and try talking quietly (almost a whisper) when you get angry. I know it is so hard, but it makes them stop to listen to you more. Besides, yelling at someone is not respectful...how can we expect someone to show us respect if we do not first show respect to them. Tell him that since he is almost an adult you would like to work out your problems like adults and have reasonable discussions about what is bother him and how you can help him through it. Make him pay or give some kind of restitution for what he damages. If he has to suffer the consequences for his actions, maybe he'll stop being so destructive. Be firm and consistent. This, of course, will all be hard at first, especially because of his age, but it's important to try, so that you don't lose your relationship with your son.

Good luck!

I should probably just ignore this....but does anyone else get a little offended when someone visits the site asking for advice and then never responds or lets us know whats happening.It kind of bothers me,feel like I am wasting my time.

krex~ Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has seemed to work the best for son....helping him put a name to his actions and feelings has helped tremendously....it's been a long road, and he still has his days ..but all in all things look good most days.
you have to find the right therapist. that's not easy. we had a real doozy ! have a better one now~i still don't agree with her on some things, but son is better and that's what really counts.

Finding a therapist that isnt mentally ill themselves is a real challenge,the field attracts people with "issues",I should know,I was a psych major.I'm glad you found someone you trust.I was interested in finding an entry level type job to work with kids with AS but it seems like most of the jobs in the paper were for ABA.....couldnt do it.I think realisticaly,I would have a problem with many programs because I have a life long "habit" of challenging rules/belief systems,which dont make sense to me(not logical).
This doesnt go over very well with many managers.

Manager..."So the target behavior is hand flapping,record how often it happens and try motivators to decrease the behavior"
Me...."How can I find out why the person is over stressed if I am focusing on counting hand flaps and wouldnt the best decrease of behavior be to decrease stressful stimulation or increase interesting things in the environment to alleviate boredom?"
Manager...."respect my authority"
Me...."respect is earned by signs of insight and compassion not a job title you may have gotten by kissing your bosses ass or having a brother who owns the company"


I guess I should just keep working with the dogs at Pet Smart,people are very confusing.The best "therepy I had as an adult was RET(rational emotive therepy)but I am afraid my therepist had a nervious breakdown while working with me.I hope it wasnt because of me.Every day I went to therepy she looked paler,dark circles under her eyes,very weak.I was beginning to wonder if I wasnt a "psychic vampire" sucking out her life force to recover my own....it was scary to watch(even though,I realize it was probably her going through a divorce or death in the family...they arent allowed to share their problems,I will never know for sure)

some people just aren't meant to be therapists.........it's been a struggle to find a competent therapist.

The premise of cognitive behavioral therapy is problematic for aspies because our behavior doesn't necessarily come from our throughts, but may come from our sensory issues or even our emotions. It uses the Socratic method and I think many parents practice it themselves and don't realize it.

Social Stories is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy.