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There have been several posts recently, and many since I've been here, that have made want to discuss how to keep threads productive, considering that this subforum has a much more neurodiverse group than others on WrongPlanet.

Parents and adults who come here with questions may or may not have autism, may have other different comorbids, may not be fluent in english, or have other differences that may make communicating difficult. New posters also may know nothing at all about autism, or conversely may be people who research and write about autism for a living.

Complicating that issue is the fact that we have a very tight community here and I at least find it's one of the few places I can go where I don't have to be explaining or excusing myself all the time...it's doubly jarring when someone unfamiliar says something that makes me uncomfortable.

I remember first coming here years ago when my son was in an absolute crisis. I didn't say all the right things, but I somehow realized posters here might struggle with the same communication issues my son (and I, though I didn't figure that out immediately) have. Sometimes that meant disagreements over semantics that took a while to fix. Sometimes that meant people disagreed with me in principle, and said so bluntly. In any other forum, I'd have felt unwelcome, but I knew I needed to be here, and I tried not to take anything too personally (sometimes successfully, sometimes not.)

I'm very glad I hung in there, because this community helped me get my son from crisis mode to functioning mostly independently - not to mention helping me see how my own autism impacted me! I want to make sure that everyone who comes here has that same opportunity, even if they don't have the intuition I did; that bluntness and semantic issues indicate that this is an autism-rich community and not that newcomers are unwelcome.

Thoughts?

I am struggling with the same thing you are, and I really can't figure out the best way to handle it. I know what my personal rule of thumb is, but I can't force others to follow it (if someone is new, give them the benefit of a doubt...for the same reasons you have already listed). While this was not my first forum, I remember myself when I was new. I said all sorts of things that could have been perceived as offensive, but for some reason, I was lucky, and instead of being offended by my ignorance, I found a group of adult autistics who took me under their wing, were patient with my naivete, and helped me learn what I needed to learn. What is interesting to me, is I saw many people in that same group who welcomed me be less than welcoming to others, so I don't really know how it works.

I guess I wish that people would be more willing to err on the side of caution when someone is new and give more of a benefit of the doubt. At least let them post more than one thing before you start making assumptions about them and why they are posting. I also wish that if you know something is a hot button topic for you, to restrain yourself from posting when it is a new poster. Let someone else ask the questions and get to the bottom of it.

I mean no offense to anyone. There are topics that I, myself, steer clear from when the poster is new(er) because I recognize that for some reason it is getting my feathers ruffled. Some people are just consistently more calm than I am, and I find if I hang back, usually someone says what I am thinking, but in a much more productive way.

There are not many people on this planet who understand what it is like to be in our shoes. The truth is, no one in my real life understands. This is a very important community to me, and I think it is important that new people can come here and feel welcome, even if they make mistakes. The online interactions that I had early on in my daughter's diagnosis changed our course. And I am certain it was changed for the better. What would have happened if I would have been pounced on because of my initial ignorance? I don't really know, but I suspect 2 things: 1. I would have never posted there again and I would have been shut off from a vital source of information and 2. I would have had a very negative first impression of adults on the spectrum. And I guess 3, I would have probably found myself on a site that is almost exclusively peopled by NT parents driven by a desire to stomp the autism out of their kids, because that is where I would have found a "place" to fit in.

I shudder to think of it.

I love what you wrote, momsparky, and think it would make a great sticky.

InThisTogether, I agree it's generally a good rule of thumb to give new posters the benefit of the doubt. I also think it's good to give our own members, generally, the benefit of the doubt too. People are going to interpret posts very differently, it could be a hot button issue has come up to trigger them, or it could just be that they are interpreting the intent differently. We all are, all the time, interpreting things based on our own experience. For example, you said: "I am struggling with the same thing you are.." to momsparky. However, I did not interpret any sense that momsparky was struggling with anything in her wording. It felt like a very matter of fact, calm observer tone to me. But, just because I did not notice struggle and you did, does not mean it did not exist.

I think that it is, generally, not productive to make personal attacks (and against the rules), but sometimes very blunt advice, even in not the friendliest tones, can be really helpful. I've seen pretty much every usual poster here employ that style at one point or another. And, of course, everybody also has bad days. I have seen posts where pretty much everybody here responded in a way that could be considered harsh, and I have seen usually nicer members lash out at a new poster, then be protectively defended (as needing leeway) when some reacted strongly to their off moment too.

I think this is a good discussion.

I think it is a struggle because if someone comes in and posts in a way that's disturbing, it's natural to want to tell them off or want them out, but if we feel we have something to offer, being negative or unfriendly might be unhelpful or hurtful, and turn them off coming here.

In addition, many of us have had bad experiences with, and want to avoid, being cliquey and excluding others.

I am assuming that at least some of the motivation behind this thread - and correct me if I assumed wrong - was the thread from Mrs. Donahue who came on here to bash Wife No. 1 and talked more about the ex than the stepson with autism.

I have been a member here since late August, 2012. Prior to that, I "lurked" here for almost 15 months (beginning in Summer, 2011), reading as much as I could here, because my son was on the verge of diagnosis and I did not feel that I had much to contribute here. I wanted to learn from other parents and the adults on the spectrum instead and did not feel comfortable joining in any discussion when I was still relatively new to the world of autism and autism parenting.

Since joining, I have had more than my share of "run-ins" here. And I especially recall - now with amusement - a particular "run-in" with another Mom who just happened to be pregnant at the time although no one else here knew it. I was pissed with her and vowed never to ever write to her AND to ignore all her posts, until she announced the arrival of her new baby and I realized that she had probably been riding a hormonal wave that made her want to e-smack me for something I had said that she had interpreted the wrong way. We did eventually go on to tolerate each other again. I am sure the long-timers here know who it is that I am referring to (she hasn't posted here in a while, too, I notice).

But regardless of those early "run-ins" and squabbles, I hung around because I *needed* help and I knew that I could find it here. One woman telling me off wasn't going to keep me out of here. She didn't own this place and I found a lot more folks who were empathetic and eager to help. So, I stayed on. And that is my point. Necessity is the mother of tolerance. If you need something desperately enough, then you will tolerate almost anything to get it. So, it's not like anyone can be chased away - regardless of whether on the spectrum or not - just because some people (including me) did not agree with her bashing her husband's ex. If she wants help for her stepson badly enough, then she'll be back. I don't think that we have to worry about some of us running her off. No, siree.

That gets me to another thing. Personally, I do not have a big social life, and most of my time is spent either with my son, or following studies and medical literature on autism over at PubMed. I was briefly active on Facebook, but that has its own challenges. I've learned that social media platforms (including this forum) - despite their intense personalization of human interactions - are not Dr. Phil's couch or Oprah's kitchen table. That is because when you interact with another human being - whether face-to-face or via a message board - you are not (normally) dealing with creatures of logic. You are most likely dealing, and sharing information / opinions, with an individual who most likely has their own long-established belief systems, their own emotions, their own challenges, their own hot button issues and triggers, and, in all probability, an inability to read your posts / messages with the stoic emotional detachment of a licensed MFT. So, it is little wonder that you may - sometimes - receive responses that do not see your situation in the same light as you do.

Therefore, it would be better for newbies - past, present and future - to desist from seeking advise on personal situations and stick solely to the topics for which this forum was specifically created (which would be any challenges you face with parenting a child on the autism spectrum), topics where there is little to no room for disagreements. There is no such guarantee the minute we veer off into less chartered territories such as the ex from Hell. Discussing INTENSELY personal issues with most people who have lived long enough to have some hot button issues surrounding the wonderful institutions of marriage, family, social life etc, and expecting poker-face, sombre responses to such vexatious topics is "a bit much".

On that note, I will also admit and acknowledge that I *have* received wonderful advise on some of my personal issues via pm from a few of the folks here. However, this forum itself is not a faux Dr. Phil or Oprah message board, but a parenting board.

I am not a licensed marriage and family therapist who has learned to approach someone else's marital issues or family problems with nothing but cold, objective professionalism. At the end of the day, I am just another middle aged parent who has had challenges in her personal life and who will respond / advise / comment / critique based on my own life experiences and my own interpretations of what is posted here. I don't necessarily read between the lines, but sometimes there is no need to ! People can try to be as polite and as dodgy as they can be, but their intentions seems to shine through, nevertheless. Or so I think. But I could be mistaken, too. Who knows ? How does it matter if I was right or wrong in my interpretation of her post and her intentions ? It does not.

What I will say is that if she were to return, and only ask for advise on her stepson, not mentioning a word about the ex, then I will probably either respond objectively to her questions on her stepson, or not respond at all, if I felt that I didn't have the experience to talk about parenting a child with HFA. Hope that answers the question about what whether newcomers are welcome here or not ? BTW, we were all newbies here at some time, were we not ?!

Sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone who reads through it.

People have "personal issues" frequently whenever they parent autistic children--as well as neurotypical children. It's par for the course.

Don't you agree that we are a "support" forum? That we should try to look at all "personal" issues in an objective manner. And to try not to "attack" people--but try to persuade people, instead, when you believe they are wrong about something.

Attacking does no good; it's a "two wrongs don't make a right" sort of situation which benefits no one.

I think that's exactly the sort of thing I'm thinking of: kind of a protocol on our side for those who choose to participate in it.

I'm also wondering if maybe we should put our heads together and create a "Welcome New Poster" sticky that has some kind of information on what to expect, and maybe links to all the stickied posts and an explanation of what they might find in each thread? Perhaps we could have some kind of paragraph addressing FAQs? (I note most newbies fall into four categories: 1. Does/wil my baby have autism 2. Blended family and autism 3. Child or teen in crisis (often 2 and 3 are combined) 4. Adult child failure to launch - am I missing anything?)

I think the top of this board could be presented as a first stop for newbies, but I think as it stands it is kind of hard to navigate.

I hear that it is difficult to modulate our answers for people who don't know us. I'm not suggesting everyone suddenly stop communicating like we're on the spectrum: that would not only be dishonest, but defeats the purpose of a parenting subforum on an autism forum. The entire reason for this post is to find ways to be ourselves without alienating new posters, because we have something really valuable that nobody else has: experience from the inside.

I'm asking we assume a new poster is a parent/caregiver in need for at least the first post - if only because that's often what drives a first post here (this is, of course, assuming that the post is by an adult about a child.) Other than that, I'm asking for ideas: my goal is for new posters to understand what we have to offer, and to keep first posts from becoming locked threads.

I do think that new posters should get more careful responses than posters who we have come to know, not because they have more value, but because they don't know us at all and made the first move in the conversation completely blind. We know and understand this community in a way that new posters do not. This is not about one specific post, nor about a specific response. Although Waterfalls was responding to HisMom's post directly, what I think she means is that there's no reason to respond at all if one is assuming the OP doesn't want to help a child, but there's good reason to respond if you assume that they do and you think you can help.

I am also thinking of the thread about the 10 year old in pullups - I thought HisMom's post there was on target, but the post immediately following was unhelpful and accusatory. Even if that poster had a point, it was made in such a way that it won't benefit the OP.

If you take a look at them, the two threads aren't that different.