Need help prioritizing: friends, home, school, moving

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Hi,
I'm new to this forum. I am struggling with a decision I need to make regarding moving.
I would like input from parents, but also from the people with Aspergers. As I parent, do I only post in this area?
I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. I just don't know how to lay it out more succinctly.

Here's my dilemma:
We need to move (lost our house to the bank - had a rough couple of years).
I am having trouble prioritizing the wish/decision list.
My considerations are:
My son's friends
The school district (current one is not-so-good)
Kids on the block
Nice house
Nice backyard (preferably with a creek - more son's wish)

I can't afford the entire list, so I need to prioritize:
What is more important, current friends or good school district?
Other kids on the block, or nice house?
Nice house or great backyard?
Great backyard (my son's wish) or good school district?

This is what I've found:
A. Nice big house, nice back yard, current neighborhood, (which means friends are still accessible), but current not-so-good school district, and iffier part of the neighborhood that might have kids on the block (not sure yet).

B. Nicer big house, meh back yard, current neighborhood, nice part of neighborhood but maybe no other kids on the block.

C. Meh house, great back yard (with creek) current neighborhood (meh school district), OK part of neighborhood, yes kids on the block, kid next door.

D. Small house, small yard, good new school district, kids on the block, 30 minutes away, but closer to area where most special programs are (special acting group, social skills art group, etc), boring area, probably too far to maintain both current friendships.

E. Small house, OK yard, great new school district, might be kids on block, 45 minutes away, interesting area, definitely too far to keep current friends.

Background: Our current district is not so good for special needs, so I never put my son there. He went to a cyber charter that had a school building (only lasted 1 month), then a new private school that was supposed to be for moderate-to-high functioning ASD, but all the other kids were nonverbal and their approach to behavior made my son very unhappy, then a year of home cyber-charter where he was lonely and hated it and asked to go to school in a classroom with kids. Now he's in another private school, for Aspergers kids, but it's new and small, the kids are all verbal, but don't do imaginative play like he does and some have frequent screaming tantrums. The school uses ABA/PBS, and my son is not happy about it. They're probably better than most. (They have a treadmill desk available that my son loves!) My son can't stay in his seat, talks constantly, is very opinionated, contradicts teachers, corrects teachers (he's usually right when he does), is dyslexic and hates to read, but loves history, science, the arts. He's also often lost in his own thoughts, or talking about his own ideas, rather than listening and he's awful at following directions. I don't know if any school district would include him because he tends to be disruptive, but he is sooo smart and creative. I can't seem to find a private school that will accept his behavior and has kids as capable as he. The good sped schools, won't accept behaviors, and the schools that accept behaviors don't have kids as engaged as he is. So I wonder if he'd be better off in public school, where there are at least a range of kids, but I'm afraid of how they'll respond to his behavior.

And, friends are hard to find...
My son is 8 years old (Aspergers & ADHD) and all he wants is to play with other kids. It's taken a lot of effort on both his and my part, and he now has two friends in our neighborhood. One lives down the block. The one down the block has flaky parents and I don't think they would ever make the effort to have playdates if it were geographically inconvenient. My kid adores this friend. The other friend is growing apart from my son. They known each other since preschool, but this kid is now getting judgie. He just wants to play video games and sports. My kid likes to dress up as a wizard or king, and pretend battle. This kid thinks he's acting too young. I'm not sure how much longer they'll stay friends, but they do care about each other.

I always have to host playdates, because my son needs intermittent help keeping the playdate positive (he tends to control all the play, say 'no' to all of his friend's ideas, and has the have the best toys, be the king, the strongest, etc. I need to remind him to compromise sometimes, to include his friend's ideas, etc). If I don't help, the friend gets too frustrated and they end up fighting. Also, other parents don't understand my son, and don't know how to work with his behavior. He can go out-of-bounds. I mention this because if we move too far from the neighborhood, it would be tough to maintain the current friendships because I can't drop my son off at someone else's house, and the parents are not going to want to drive 30+ minutes to drop their kid at my house. I would need to pick their kid up, bring them to my house, then drive their kid home again (120 min of driving for each playdate - not likely to happen very often).

I have to make a decision asap.
My husband cannot stand to hear me talk about this anymore. He just wants to make a snap decision and move forward. I can't figure out what to do because of all the competing needs.

If people on this forum could help with ideas or experience about what to prioritize I would realllly appreciate it!

Thanks,
Yofi

This is tough. Friends can be temporary, and houses less so; but if he has a good friend that can be really important for however long it lasts. Also, moving is going to be a big change and it would be a nice thing to maintain as a constant.

Do you actually know if the "good" schools would be good for him? If you don't, I don't think I would weight that highly. I have the same issues in that we get behaviors that schools won't put up unless they scaffold to a degree they are not willing/able to do. I home-school, but he is clearly less social than your son is, and does not wish to go back. The SPED options here are inconvenient and are not academic. If your son likes school, and enjoys and can handle the social stimulus, that makes the calculation difficult.

Even though your son would like a nice yard, if there are good park/public spaces, I think I would weight that somewhat less, just b/c you might find a public substitute that might lead to making more friends who also enjoy the outdoors.

I, personally would not worry too much about house size as long as it is big enough to be comfortable. I am not sure how to weight the niceness of the neighborhood/part of the neighborhood, b/c I think as long as it is safe it does not have to be fancy, but I am not sure how you define "iffy." I think if it is mainly about aesthetics (looking run-down but being safe) I would de-prioritize that because of the importance of other concerns.

We have a great autism program at our school district that has been a lifesaver for me. I could not homeschool any more due to my own ASD although we homeschooled for years. I know it is hard to know beforehand, but i would do some visiting of possible schools and take my child along if i were you. I talked with the special education dept of our school district before placing my son in school and the special ed director set up the visit to the autism program. The autism room teacher was then a great advocate for my son, having met him before having him placed. She also helped select his teacher for the year. We also have a wonderful social worker who has been very helpful. I would check out the school resources thoroughly unless you are planning to homeschool or cyber school.

My son doesn't have a lot of friends close by but he has siblings. We have a large outdoor space where he can go outside, ride bike, have swings/sandbox etc. I cannot stress how valuable that has been. He would like a creek but i am glad we do not have one!! Safety issues and it would be much too hard on my nerves to have it close by. For us, the most helpful things in working with our kiddo are the room to run outdoors and the good school. We also have family close by. He does have some friends but we don't do a lot of playdates--same reasons you gave. There are not a lot of homes where i can just drop him off. Sometimes he does go to his cousins' house which he really enjoys. The autism program is not housed in his home school in the district so he rides a special needs transportation to the one where the autism program is housed. It is not ideal but is the best solution we have found. It does make it nearly impossible to get together with his school friends conveniently, since most of them are a bit of a drive away.

That has been what has worked for us, but your situation may be different. I don't think you will find an ideal solution though; sometimes it comes down to making a decision to the best of your current knowledge, and hoping for the best outcome. Sounds like there are pros and cons to all of your options.

I picked the last two and here is why:

At 8 years old, friends are transient. Your friends are pretty much whomever you share space with. You are going to be stuck with your SD for the next 10 years.

I would prioritize the SD without a second thought. I did that for my kids. I up and moved us with little planning at all because the school district simply wasn't meeting their needs and never would. I found a good school district and moved. My son was in 5th grade and my daughter in 1st. Yes, it was difficult moving in the middle of the school year with 2 quirky kids on the spectrum. The first few months were rough, I'm not going to lie.

But it was the best decision I have ever made.

4 years later, they have made new friends. That part is good. But the best part is they have a school district that meets their needs. They are thriving. I honestly don't know what would have become of them in the old district.

I would say the second priority depends upon your kid/family. If your kid likes to play outside vs stay in the house, I would opt for a better yard. If he doesn't really care that much about outside, I would opt for the bigger house. But if having neighborhood kids around is an important thing to him, I would prioritize having kids around. For us, personally, the comfort of the house was next most important after the school district. A yard is nice, but we can always go to the park. And both of my kids rather prefer downtime after school, so having kids around is not important. On the weekends they can have kids over who are not in the immediate neighborhood. But we all hate to live in cramped spaces and we need space to disperse to stay sane, so for our family, the nicer/bigger house was more important.

I don't know if this helped or not, but good luck with your decision.

ASDMommyASDKid - Thank you for your thoughts and input! My son's friend was over tonight. He dropped by after school and the two of them played with Star Wars toys and all I had to do was bring them snacks and occasionally suggest some compromises. It was amazing. It breaks my heart to think he would lose that. At the same time, I know that our local school district is pretty bad and if I want him in public school, we need a better one. I wish I could home school him, but it was too isolating for him and I have to work anyway. You make a good point though, that even a supposedly good school district, may not be "good" for him. I've certainly found that to be true with specialized private schools.

probly.an.aspie - Thank you for your suggestions and sharing what worked for you! Unfortunately none of our local school districts will let me visit unless he is already enrolled and we've had an IEP meeting. Only the private schools will let me in. It sounds like you have an amazing program and that is so great that your autism support teacher advocated for you.
My son is an only child (I wish he did have siblings), so he really needs kids in the neighborhood or friends close by to spend time with. I have found though, that even if kids are in the neighborhood, unless they go to school together it's hard to connect with them. He loves to play outside, so we need space for that. He's a nature boy.

InThisTogether - Thank you for the encouragement of your story! It's good to know that even though moving is hard, it can work out. I'm happy to hear that your kids were able to make new friends. You make an excellent point about how long the relationship with the school district will be. It would really be wonderful to find one that can meet my kiddos needs. I especially appreciate hearing that your children are thriving. I've been so worried about making a mistake that I've lost sight of the possible gains.

My head is still spinning around, but it is so helpful to have other perspectives to think about.

That is too bad that you can't even visit. Security in schools is so tight. I can understand why, but it is frustrating for someone in your situation. Could you talk to the special ed director for the district? I didn't go through the building principal, but through the special ed dept which is in charge of services for the whole school district. Maybe even if you couldn't visit the schools, you could get some further information that would be useful to you, such as specific services, or if a teacher from the autism program would at least be willing to talk with you via phone to give you a feel for how their program is handled. Just a thought.

After talking to others, even nearby in neighboring districts, i think the level of support my son gets is unusual. I am very thankful, his school has been simply great. We do have issues at times--goes with the territory--but they have always been dealt with efficiently and kindly. The teachers are very good about following my wishes and i try to be considerate of them and what works in the classroom when i make requests for how i want issues to be handled. It's a good working relationship.

On private school--the private Christian school my older kids attended for a while was terrible for kids with special needs. They wouldn't accept my son for kindergarten in spite of the fact that they do have special needs resources. The next year we pulled both older kids from their school. I have also heard other stories of special needs kids who were either not accommodated well in that school or were sort of pushed out--although it of course wasn't done officially, but rather under-handedly. My oldest has dyslexia and it was like pulling teeth to get the barest minimum of accommodation for his needs. (he didn't even need much help, just things like a quiet room for tests and notes printed so he didn't have to write them in class) Some of the teachers were good about it; others refused or were clueless about the nature of his need even though i provided paperwork upon enrolling him.

Private schools can be more selective in who they accept and how they accommodate. I would hope our experience was not the norm, but i know that the rules are different for private schools, at least in our area. So i would be a bit leery of them, or at least do my checking beforehand.

Hope you come to some good working solution!

AS military we have to make these choices often when we move. While friends are important, we find that a school that is good for our kids (doesn't mean best school in district, just school that is best for us) is our top priority. One can always set up play dates and a good school means the potential for new friends. Possibly even better friends. Having kids to play with on the block is great if they are great kids. That is not always a guarantee. However a good school seems to raise the chance of there being good kids in the neighborhood. Good luck! I can definitely sympathize with how hard it is to make those choices.