Problems with Adult Son

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My 22 year old son recently went to a psychologist to get evaluated for Aspergers. The results haven't come back yet, but I am confident he will be diagnosed. We should get them in the next couple of weeks.

I am very concerned for him and his future and I hope the psychologists can get him on track. He graduated from college last year and has been lost ever since. His entire life has been about school, and he doesn't know how to function without it. He originally planned on going to seminary (where I thought he would get a Ph.D. and end up teaching) but changed his mind at the last minute. Now he has a history/classical studies degree and no job. He still lives at home with us.

He got engaged this spring after having his one and only girlfriend for a year. He wants to get married in January. She has no further education beyond a homeschool high school, and works part time at Starbucks. My husband and I own a small business and he worked for us part time but quit so he could find a "real" job. I told him it wasn't smart to quit a job without having another job, but he wouldn't listen. Now he is burning through what savings he has, and is no closer to finding a job. He hasn't even had a single interview. He has no real job skills or anything significant to put on a resume. He won't listen to us about maybe putting off the wedding until he has a job.

We told him we would not be contributing money towards the wedding at this time, because we cannot be supportive of him getting married so quickly with no means of supporting himself. We told him if he wanted to do it, that was his deal, and he would have to figure it out, and he wouldn't be moving his wife in with us. Since then, he doesn't bring her around, she won't talk to us, etc. It's all a big mess. Not sure if there is any advice here, or if I just needed to vent. With the diagnosis looming, I am worried about him breaking down this fall as reality starts to set in, as the job market here is pretty dismal. I think he thinks he has plenty of time. But I feel like not only does he need to land a job, he needs to have kept it a few months before getting married. With him never having worked outside the home before, and his anxiety/depression/social issues, I am worried he won't even be able to keep a job.

Thanks for "listening."

I would not necessarily assume that he is as overly optimistic as you think. He may be, of course but he could just as easily trying to push his anxiety to the side. I don't have an answer because reminding him/nagging him about it likely to make him more upset and he may be to start all over trying to push the thoughts away. And of course if he is overly optimistic, anything you say is not likely to make an difference there either. The marriage is something he can progress in and so it may be why he is pushing head first into it. It makes him feel like he is meeting at lest one of the milestones people associate (rightly or wrongly) with adulthood. ironically, if he had better career prospects, he might be more cautious. I don't know that. I am just saying it is possible.

I am also not saying that you should subsidize a wedding or him creating a new family. I am just saying what may be going through his mind.

At this point, I would sit tight and just wait for the diagnosis. It is possible that they may direct him to some career resources (or sources for them) and maybe suggest ways to deal with his anxiety and other co-morbids. I think, if you have stated your position on the marriage and he understands and does not expect you to change your mind, then there is nothing to be gained by prodding him.

I think, at this point, I would support the marriage. They are going to be together with or without that formal step, and it isn't like she can be depending upon him to suddenly completely support her (if she has half a brain, anyway). Much more worrisome is the possibility of children. Make sure they both understand exactly what it takes to prevent that, and are on the same page with you that it really is not fair to bring children into this world that one cannot support. When it comes to a small, precious being's needs, hope doesn't cut it; they will need to have income. Taking on responsibility for a life is a whole new level. I certainly hope that she isn't part of the small religious movement that advocate tons of kids without question.

It sounds like this is the first time he has had to really enter the job market, and so is behind in the skills that takes. Can he enroll in some job hunting training? Is he willing to sit down with you as his former employers and really inventory his strengths and weaknesses in a job, so that he can understand what he brings to the table better? This is such a tricky age for many ASD individuals, because there is a developmental gap there between where the average 22 year old is at, and where they are at. He is entering the job market more like a 16 year old, developmentally, albeit not intellectually, and you have to approach it like that.

Got to run but I will think about if there is anything more constructive I can write.

Sidenote after reading this: Could his fiancee possibly be on the AS as well?

In terms of his diagnosis, if he is officially diagnosed then he would be able to qualify for some disability assistance. However, I feel like that is a last resort and if he is able bodied he should work. Truth is, your son is an adult and perhaps he needs to be out there in the world and have life hit him like a ton of bricks before he mans up and makes different decisions. I agree that getting married with no job at 22 is not a good idea, but it is his life and he needs to go through certain things to gain experience of what not to do in the future.

I'm back. Your worries about stress, anxiety, etc interfering with his ability to keep a job are valid, by the way. There are many threads elsewhere on this forum that talk about managing it all, and it isn't my expertise, so I won't go further into it.

I think that what he needs now is skill support, not more "no's" and "don'ts." Young adults have a pretty difficult time dealing with limitations, and you can sabotage your own goals but trying to force him to live his life in the straight line you know is best. It won't be the end of the world if he takes a few detours; each one will be a life lesson. The goal right now should be helping him get where he needs to be as an adult with a plan and a path, IMHO. Sorry I don't have a lot more to offer than that, but that is where I would focus my energies with him.

OP. you posted here before and your future DIL wants a ton of kids they cannot support, right?

I respect and understand letting your kid find his own bliss, his own way---but I don't think I would want to start raising a ton of grand kids, which is I think what is going to happen if you agree to subsidize their choice. Neither person in this future marriage seems to be a responsible person.

I agree 100% with DW_A_Mom about the skill support. Once they have the skills and the ability to raise a family, then they can do what they want.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Yes I posted here a few months back when he had first gotten engaged about my concerns. Honestly, I think I hoped that by now he would have either found a job or the relationship would have fizzled out. I didn't think it would last this long. I can't believe that she would want to marry him at this point, getting so close to January when he has no job and her goal is to be a SAHM.

My husband and I think that his fiancé has some issues of her own, not sure about ASD, but definitely some issues.

I have been hanging tight waiting for the diagnosis and meeting with the psychologist to get her recommendations re: therapy, etc. I don't know if he will be diagnosed with any other conditions (I have been worried about bipolar disorder the way he has some drastic mood swings and his unrealistic expectations and opinions of himself).

I am starting to get in panic mode, as I knew it would the closer it got to October. I have been telling myself if he doesn't have a job by October something has to be done. I have said nothing to him about weddings, or anything, since the spring. I had told him early on that you shouldn't get married if you can't support a household. I haven't wanted to push him over the edge so basically the whole thing is just the big elephant in the room now. He stays in his room and emails out his bare bones resume to jobs he isn't qualified for, then goes out to dinner with his fiancé. He said that the career counselors at his university told him he should apply for sales jobs. We told him that sales is a difficult and stressful job. He is applying for them anyway. If he did land one, I don't see him keeping it long.

I think I just needed to get some things off my chest and I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply. I'll update again once we get the formal diagnosis and let you know how things are going. I am also concerned that once he has the diagnosis, doesn't have a job, and starts feeling anxiety and depression about not being able to meet his goals, that he will have a mental breakdown this fall. I am praying that the appropriate therapies can help prevent this.

I am not sure he understands his choices completely, with his mental state. This is why I am waiting to get a formal diagnosis before doing/saying much of anything. I haven't been trying to alienate him. I have only said we won't be helping him out financially and he won't be able to move back in with us with his wife/kids. We simply have no room or ability to support another family. We have only tried to explain to him that it is better to be employed and have a place to live before taking the plunge into a marriage. I mean, if he has no job, and she makes $9/hour at Starbucks, how on earth are they going to rent an apartment? Right now she has a roommate, who is getting married late this year as well so will be moving out. I don't know that he is thinking that far out.

He has always had the tendency to think that things will magically work out, and then as they don't, he will break down and go into a deep depression. As others said above, I don't want to be responsible for raising grandchildren, which is what I am afraid is going to happen. Under normal circumstances, I would be more inclined to agree more with the "he's an adult, let him make his own mistakes" mantra. But I am extremely concerned for his mental health and stability. He has been suicidal in the past, and I am worried that if things go wrong that he may end up there again. This may be the wrong attitude for me to have, and I may be doing it all wrong. But I can't act all happy and "let's get to planning this wedding!" when things are the way they are with him right now.

I don't think it is unusual for someone who has gone undiagnosed to have reached incorrect conclusions about their own abilities. They will have known they are different, and probably smarter than most people, and concluding that they are "better" than everyone else seems to be common in that situation; there just isn't anything else obvious to them that will lead them to a different conclusion. What they don't see and don't value are the effects of the missing social skills. 22 is a pretty late age at which to try and change that, unfortunately, and provide a more accurate self-image of strengths and weaknesses. He isn't going to work on weaknesses he doesn't think he has.

You are right, of course. I know I am worrying myself to death. The only option I have at this point it seems is to sit back and watch the train wreck. Easier said than done unfortunately! I probably shouldn't have posted anything - I think I was hoping for some magical words to make it all better. Thanks everyone.

Don't lose hope. It sounds like you're losing hope.

People evolve. Aspies evolve.

Aspies tend to teach "social milestones" at a later age.

Has your son ever expressed an interest in independence?

Yeah....the kids thing.

It doesn't seem like he's ready to be a father yet.

I certainly wasn't when I was in my 20s.

It's obvious that he's rushing into this "marriage" thing.

I'd try to dissuade him from getting married.