Bullied - but won't admit it

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I have had my suspicions for a while now that my son is being bullied at school (he is 12) but he has never told me about it. Tonight I had the parent of a sixth former come round to tell me that her daughter had been witnessing my son being bullied on the bus by two 14 year old girls for a number of weeks. The sixth former has had a go at the bullies herself and will be reporting it to school on monday. She says she told my son to tell us but he said theres no point, nothing will get done about it. Obviously i was heartbroken to hear this and i have sat him down and tried to get him to tell me whats going on but he is adamant that nothing has happened and he is ok. I have told him its not his fault, he won't be in trouble, that much as i would love to i won't leap on the bus and beat these bullies up myself etc etc but i can't get him to open up and tell me whats going on. As i said before i have had my suspicions for a while becuase things have happened like he has rushed home from the bus stop looking like there were demons after him, and one time he came home soaked from head to toe and told me he had fell in a puddle which seemed a bit far fetched for how wet he was. So really i don't know to what extent this is happening but i am now worried sick and i guess just looking for some guidance and advice as to how to deal with this and how to get to the bottom of it. Anyway he won't be going to school on the bus again for a while. I guess he has little faith in the teachers supporting him as he is often in trouble himself at school for various behaviours. I will contact the school about this but obviously if he isn't admitting to me that anything is happening he is unlikely to admit it to them either.

Well, three cheers for the girl!
First, you've learned the hard way exactly what we had to learn the hard way. Believe your kid. If you don't, who will? I'm not saying believe in the face of hard evidence to the contrary, but at the very least, he needs a vent. It is very typical for a kid not to tell an adult what's wrong. Our kid didn't, until one day I happened to witness something that neither he nor his teachers knew I witnessed, and when he got home I said "So, x tried to smack you around today, huh?" He looked at me and said, how did you know? I said, "I was standing there, but you guys didn't see me, however, I gotta say that you did a good job taking it, but I'll bet you're pretty mad about it." To which he said, "as a matter of fact, I am. I'm a big kid, and they blame me for everything, and they think I don't feel it when they hit me." That's all that was said, but we didn't have the nightly meltdown that night. So I went to school, and very casually mentioned to the head teacher that I had seen this, and my son's teacher was called in, and so was the psychiatrist at the school, and I proceeded to tell this individual, quietly, that if you stand there and talk when another kid is hitting my kid, you are, at the very least, going to send home an angry kid, so I have to deal with it, and at the worst, going to provoke a reaction from my kid, and I realize that he's nearly 6 feet tall at 14, and he's still going to get blamed, but that doesn't mean he's at fault. I will be watching.

The teacher's response was "well, what am I supposed to do, physically intervene?" To which I said, no, get help, get both kids down to the office, and let the administration sort it out. "Within reason, we'll back the administration, but remember it's our kid, and if we don't advocate for him, who will?" Can't say she liked that much.

No, the bullying didn't stop, but from then on, I tended to be quiet but "in their faces" when I sensed the kid was being picked on.

You are not a mind reader, so you must become a skillfull questioner. If the kid is angry enough (and I suspect he is) eventually, he'll tell you. At first in a "okay, you wanted to know, now what are you gonna do?" mode, and then eventually, in "this is what's bothering me...mode. Don't expect either of those modes to be said quietly either.

Don't count on the teachers, unless you know them. They have a lot on their plates, and some of them don't want to be there anyway. Some of them are excellent. But give the kid an outlet if you can. As long as you are there, eventually, he will tell you.

Good Luck
Btdt

It is extremely embarrassing to be bullied - especially if it is constant and severe. Think about how many women hide domestic violence not just out of fear - but out of embarrassment. Most kids also realize that it is very difficult to stop the bullying because the other kids will just hide their behavior from the teacher or get more creative in their bullying. Then if the bullies get in trouble over this there is also the possibility that they will get more violent or can have someone else do the bullying for them. Then if you claim another person is bullying it sounds like you are either paranoid or lying. The one teacher has obviously given control over the classroom to the bullies for her to even question how she is supposed to stop it.

i'm so glad that the girl stood up and said something....hope that the situation is fixed soon & that your son will feel safe again

This girl sounds marvelous. There are times we have to pin Z down until he tells us what is going on. Being consistent with our responces helps and now he is easier to get answers once we get past the "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" stage. Knowing when to let up and when to push is a challenge. Fortunately Cor is better at it than I am so I take cues from her. Do back up your son when he is right and let him know hat you have. That stability is vital. Keep in the face of the school, teachers and administration, let them know you won't allow yor son's rights be violated. Hope you like a good fight.

This girl, Sixth former? Hmmmm..... about your son's age? Maybe you'll be having more questions.

I would like to know the specifics of the bullying. Perhaps he doesn't perceive it as bullying and likes the attention of the older girls? The obvious thing would be to talk to the parents of the girls accused of bullying and find out what is going on from their perspective and have them talk to their daughters. Another obvious solution is to drive your child to school and pick him up so he avoids the public bus where so much misbehavior runs rampant.

Thanks for all your answers and advice. My sons 12 - the bullies 15. What they are doing is trying to trip him up, not allowing him to sit down on the bus, pushing him off when the bus stops, calling him names, tipping water on him. I think you are right that he doesn't realise this is bullying - we have spoken to him at length again today and it seems he thought bullying was just hitting/fighting. Fortunately for the bullies the girl who has told me about it dion't give me their names but is going to report them to school herself tomorrow. No saying what i might have done if she had told me who they are, and needless to say my son doesn't know names etc. I will be taking him to and from school for the foreseeable future but its not a public bus its a school bus. Will let you know how i get on at school tomorrow but in the meantime thanks for all the advice, i really appreciate knowing you are all out there and we have someone to talk to. Thank you

You double posted this, I seem to be the only one who responded to you "double".

I'll just bring it up here:

Does the school know about his AS? You mentioned the 6th former is reporting it right? That should be all you need for an investigation. It is common for ASpies to NOT self advocate.

You need to talk to school administration about this, not teachers. If they say they "need his validation" say they won't get it, and that is not reasonable to ask, as you know someone is comming forward who has witnessed it.

my son has recently gone through a rash of bullying. It is important to get it adressed. It really has turned around for him so far, (keeping fingers crossed). I'll get you the threads In a minute...

Here:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... highlight=
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... ic&t=30308
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... ic&t=30475

Wells thats just great - I have called the school up and their response was to say - our jurisdiction over what happens on the buses is limited. Is it not possible for your son to catch a different bus. - Why the hell should he, he is not the one in the wrong. I wonder what they would have to say if i decide to follow the bus and when these little witches get off i run them over. There is no justice in this world and the idiots that run schools have no more common sense that cabbages

I would have 1/2 a mind to put him on the bus with a tape recorder under his shirt running and then sue the little bastards.

Escalate this, call the school board and the police and the transit company. The plain fact is, your son has the right to public tranist that does not damage him. I don't know the laws in your area, but common sense suggests SOMEONE is responsible.

Have you considered the possibility that he might be afraid of what you plan to do about it? Sometimes if adults get involved, especially parents, the problem is just pushed to less visible places and worsens. Imagine how mortified he would be if his mommy had to come to his school and tell the girls to be nice to him. (Perhaps you wouldn't do that, but he doesn't know that.)

Imagine how they would make fun of him even more, how they would lose any last shred of respect they had for him- both because he TOLD and because he had to get his MOMMY to help. Imagine how the problem would get worse, and they would start finding ways to bully him in more invisible ways and places so he can't seek help if he REALLY needs it.

yes i had thought about all of that but i can't just leave it til things get worse. These girls need sorting out now and stopping before something serious happens. Also they might be doing it to someone else or start to do so now i have removed my son from the bus. Its tough being a mum and knowing when to intervene and when to stay out

Do you have any contact info (name / phone #) for the girl who contacted you?

I would file a police report, they may not do much, but it puts everything on record, that you know your disabled child is being bullied, that the school refuses to do anything about it.

I worry that this is NOT just happening on the bus, but at school too.

And yes, telling an adult about it CAN make it worse, I thought my sons situation might get worse, but it has improved 10 fold (or a 100 fold) from what it is. Instead of a few kids treating him like crap and everyone else ignoring it thinking "what can I do", the bullies ARE feeling pressure to conform to the MAJORITY now, who do not wish to see my son victimized. Telling CAN HELP!

But it needs to be done the right way. The police may provide good assitance in where to go from here. Afterall, these girls are PHYSICALLY assulting him. He needs someone to listen, he is not societies punching bag.

Until then, keep him off the bus. Honestly, it should be the GIRLS that are kicked off, not him, I just don't understand this world! Here, that is what happens, riding the bus is a privilage, not a right!

Wow. I read this stuff and just cringe at what I may have to look forward to for my son. It's truly frightening at times. How do you all handle it? Cry? Drink?? Both?? I really hope you're able to find a proper solution for this. Our kids have so much learning to do, it just seems so sad and unfair that they have to endure this type of thing on top of everything else. Good luck.

I was asking my son about some of this last night (he's 7) - I just wanted to know or try to guage if he even knows if kids tease him. My son's response? "I don't care."

My husband and I looked at each other - and we can't decide if he said that because he DOES get teased every once in a while and just really doesn't notice or care, or if it's that he does know, and that's his way of dealing with it. We tend to suspect it's a little of both - which just makes me want to hurry up and get a diagnosis so that I can go to the school district and get that IEP process going. He's only 7, but if we don't start getting him the proper services soon, it's just going to make adolescence that much harder, and I don't want that for him.

Well, what DO you plan to do about it? I fear that your son may be right to avoid telling you about it.

I am so sorry to hear that is happening to your son, that makes me so sad. It is one of my worries too, my son always says things like, don't worry I'm ok, I don't want to talk about it, etc.

I would discuss the issue with the bus driver, principal and teachers at the school. Definately with the bus driver. We are lucky where we live, the kids have assigned seats, all the way thru High School, so seats can be changed. I have had to have my younger sons seat changed (he's NT) as someone that he was paired up in a seat with was calling him names and saying that he was going to punch him in the face!! ! That makes me angry!! I marched down there and spoke with the bus driver that next morning!!

I can only imagine how that makes you feel, no one wants to see their children hurt. It saddens me that children can be so cruel to others!!

Hang in there and certainly discuss the matter with the schools and transportation, I believe in zero tolerance for bullies!!

Liese