parent's loneliness and isolation

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Do you find yourself isolated and lonely as a parent of a child with ASD?

This is something I am constantly struggling with even though I've always identified as someone who is an introvert and doesn't need lots of social interaction. In the past though I felt like my isolation was more of a choice than it is now.

It seems difficult to make new friends and keep old ones just as an adult, but add the demands of parenting and on top of that parenting a child with ASD...it seems downright impossible. I feel like my world has shrunk down to the size of nothing and often the only people in it are my son and I. It's starting to drive me a little nuts to have my constant companion be a 5 year old with ASD who lacks basic conversation skills but at this point I don't even know how to begin to change it. I don't think my isolation and loneliness is entirely due to the difficult social aspects of parenting my son with ASD, there are a lot of other factors... but that seems to have been the nail in the coffin.

I recently started my first Facebook account (I've previously avoided doing that for lots of reasons) for the purpose of following and getting info from some of the school groups and activities that my kids are involved in. I know that Facebook is far from an accurate representation of people's lives, but it has opened my eyes to how I've let old connections die and how I haven't really made any new ones, while (seemingly) everyone else is pretty active in this regard.
I thought I knew how to be happy being by myself, but I really don't. I also don't think I'm a good model of generally "being social" for my kids, which is a problem. I have been trying to become active in things for my son to give him more social opportunities but I don't know how to do the same for myself. And of course there is the shortage of time, money, energy that comes along with being a parent.

I don't even know where to start to make this better- I often feel like things can't really change and I should just work on becoming more comfortable and content with the way things are. But then I'll read something about how people without friendships live shorter and less healthy lives or the loneliness will really wear me down and I feel the desperation and need to change.

On the title yes, as aspie parent I didn't mingle very much with nt-parents, I didn't avoid it neither I just didn't feel bad about standin' on my own or with unpopular parents, if that happened. I didn't like the pushy ones who were always seeking the teachers attention on everything. Luckily there was a severely wise teacher, she picked me up and encouraged me participating, there was a lot of parents-participating at that school, so eventually I was participating a lot.
But not related to the children.

Yes, it is lonely either way, but harder to pick up and make friends if you are on the spectrum, too. There are also some interesting articles that I've read from links posted here that it is more difficult for most people to make friends as they get older.

I'll bump this, the topic is one I have a hard time with, too.

I am so lucky I don't care about this as much as regular people, b/c if I did I would go crazy. On the very rare occasion when we go out with work friends of my husband's, or other people who are not full of negativity, and can tolerate my son's idiosyncratic ways without commenting or giving side-eye, even I seem to enjoy it more than I normally would b/c it is so rare, and apparently even I have a pent-up need for socialization.

I would have difficulty socializing where I live anyway due to cultural and other differences, and my own social skill issues, but being in a situation where babysitting is a no go, would make it impossible, even if it were not the case. Grown-ups really do not want to always socialize with people's kids unless it is a play date (which no one wants) or a situation where they don't know my son and try to get the kids to all go into another room and play. (He won't do that, either--and the other kids don't want him there anyway)

So online it is. Not Facebook, though. I hate Facebook, so much.

Yeah I hate it too. So much!

I think I might do ok if I knew how and where to have satisfying relationships online. I have a small handful of friends from my past (school mostly) that I enjoy communicating with through email... but it feels one sided a bit because I know these friends are of course much more involved with full social lives and relationships "IRL" whereas I'm not...

I definitely have issues with social anxiety and if I've always felt
I had to put in lots of effort to carry out normal social interactions- I used to be really good at this kind of acting When I was younger and had periods in my life when I was popular and very social. But I'm extremely out of practice and feel like I just don't have the energy or time for it anymore. For some reason people are attracted to me or find me interesting so I have a lot of acquaintances that I think tried to bey friend at some point. When this happens I often find myself avoiding the person, wanting to run away at the threat of more horrible small talk, and generally just feeling like there is no point because I'm such a freak we could never become "real" friends. I also find myself generally not liking people- maybe it's a defense mechanism. But all of this is confusing as I really AM lonely.

It seemed there was a point in my youth where I was able to find like-minded people to hang with. Those are the few friends I'm still in touch with.
Now I don't know where those types of people are or if it's just me that's lost all common ground with everyone. And it doesn't seem possible to create meaningful bonds with other adults when everyone is busy with.... Grown up life.

How and where do you make real connections online?

Is it unrealistic to want new and real meaningful friendships as an adult? Do people just make do with these skin-deep acquaintance relationships that revolve around meaningless small talk? Or as a parent they just hang out with other kids' parents because they're at the same playground etc? (And this is hard when your kid is the odd duck out there...) I guess if that's the case, then I really would rather not have any new adult friends...

Sorry for the rambling rant-iness. This has been turning over in my head for a while now.

This is a familiar problem for me.
I don't have much to add right now but will be watching his thread.

I am satisfied with superficial acquaintances online because I don't really see how you could make that into real friendship unless the people are local to you. I am too weird a person for that, and it would be hard for me to do that because I live in a very small town and the odds of finding a like-minded-ish person anywhere here would be really hard. I would need to find a local event/forum for a special interest or something. If that is possible where you live, or a small radius of where you live, that is what I would try. If you have things in common, you have built in things to talk about that are not small-talk and it lubricates the process immensely.

I think the template for "mommies" is that you're supposed to find other moms with kids the same gender/age as yours, and those are your friends. The kids play, and you sit around and watch them and talk.
Of course, when no one wants to play with your kid you're totally skrewed. You get to be the town pariah, instead.

Meetup.com is a great tool. I finally found a "support group" of Moms of other kids on the spectrum - when the kids are in school we meet for coffee once a month, and I think there are other meeting times as well. There's also a Dad's group (neither group is actually exclusive, but there's a recognition that the available time of Moms and Dads is different, as well as sometimes the preferred meeting place.)

Check with your autism healthcare provider and see if they have support groups. I'm not talking about those painful, social-worker-moderated groups where everyone moans about their kid, I'm talking about a social gathering. I know many of us hate those like poison, but believe me, it's different when you have a group that understand autism - or have it.

Last group meeting, I laughingly said I hadn't showered in three days, (due to too many kid-related morning responsibilities) everyone roared, and then we went around and introduced ourselves with "Hi, I'm _____________ and I last showered on ___________" Not your typical parent coffee.

It helps a lot. Plus, we are mostly in the same school district and if not under the same State laws, so we can really help each other when it comes to the schools screwing us over.

I've tried that website, but there was nothing nearby.
There's nothing here.

Yeah...
I think one of my main problems is that whether I chose it or not (I'm blurry on this point after all this time) my special interest for the past 4 years has been ASD and my son. I haven't had time or energy for much else and because of my situation (little outside resources, services and support) it's pretty much been all-encompassing. Whatever my previous interests and activities were they have long fallen by the wayside. And I guess the only other interests and activities I do have at this point have grown up around me being isolated, exhausted, at home and alone. So not social and not things that I'd have in common with many people.

Does it sound like I'm making excuses? I don't know if I actually am.

Yes, I never fit that template. Even when my son was in the toddler phase and could pass for NT and we did all the toddler /mommy groups and stuff. I have a 2 year old daughter who we suspect is pretty NT and even if I'm just out with her around other moms and kids...BLAH. Not my crowd.

I find a lot of other moms much too sweet. Like, competitively saccharine.
It's like being surrounded by stepford wives.
I would fit in much better with the dads. I'm not a masculine person, it's just that dads still get to act like regular people. Moms, not so much.

The great thing about Meetup is that you can make something. It also gives you all kinds of fliers, etc. that you can use to promote your group.

Also, like I said, you don't need a formal meetup - service providers may be willing to connect parents as long as they have a parent who is willing to say "we're going to meet for coffee here at X time" and provide a sign to identify your group.

And, yes, ASD is my special interest - where better to get support than a whole group of parents whose interest is also supporting a kid with ASD (only some of whom are NT, and even when they are they're sympathetic to ASD issues?)

I would rather lick a light socket than hang-out with the mommy brigade. They are really unbearable.

I remember when my son was very little (no diagnosis, yet) and my S-I-L unprompted, kept telling me I needed to join a Mommy and Me group --- and she's "shy, too" (I am not shy --- I just am picky about who I will hang out with--even if that means I hang out with no one. Also, I never complained about needing company) She seriously would not let it go. Finally, I just had to tell her that I am not shy and just hate people. It is not really true--not entirely, anyway. I just didn't want to say I specifically hate (most) people who join Mommy and Me groups.

I was briefly confused when I first went to those mommy groups. I guess I was under the impression that they were for spending time with your kid in a fun atmosphere with other kids and moms... turns out it was always a bunch of desperate women ignoring their children in an acceptable way while talking nonstop about how awful it was to be a mom...and other boring topics that I could never keep track of. I found it depressing and uncomfortable.
It's hard though because now that I've been in this full-time mom game for so long, I don't fit anywhere else either and have a lot less to talk about with...anyone.