aspie and trans?

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hi all - sorry to cross-post but wanted to put something here in the parents forum...Hi All, I have a 7 year old aspire boy who, for some time now, has told me he wishes he were a girl and/or he feels like a girl inside...is jealous that girls "have more beauty"....and can wear beautiful dresses...twice in his life has changed his name at school to a girls name...and when a stranger thinks he's a girl and we correct them - he gets furious. I just bought him a dress. i have no idea as to why i'm posting. don't know what exactly I'm looking for. feel like I've just started to feel really settled with aspergers and now feel like theres something else i have to wrap my head around. of course, my husband and i will follow his lead...but I'm scared and worried. about what exactly I'm not sure. any parts have experiences with this?

Poor kid!

You're in NYC, like I am. You should know, then, that he should not SHOW UP IN SCHOOL IN A DRESS! Society is really not ready for cross-dressing in the early grades. And certainly not the kids themselves.

If he's attending a NYC public school, or even most private schools, this advice holds.

If he is somehow attending an exclusive school which might make ways to overcome this, then maybe this might work---but he'd have to stay in THAT SCHOOL, or continue going to these sorts of schools until he finishes high school.

I understand he's a boy who wants to be a girl. I wouldn't object to all this. But most people would, and he would be teased mercilessly.

Until he's much older, he'll have to accept being gender-neutral in dress.

You might find this video helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfqmEYC_rMI

I saw your question posted in the LGBT section so i felt it would be more appropriate to post my response here:

Does he wants to be a girl because he feels uncomfortable in his own body or is it because he feels girls have it easier and because he wants to do things they can do like wear dresses?

When I was a child I wished to be a boy because they had penises and I wanted one so I could pee standing and not having to pull down my pants and underwear to pee. I envied them and felt "why did I have to be a girl?" But I was never transgender because I never felt uncomfortable being a girl but I hated breasts and how I hated having a period (don't most females?) and it as very uncomfortable having a maturing body in 6th grade when it decided to change into a woman's one and I was like a little girl trapped in a body that was maturing, that was very uncomfortable but I was never trans. Boy did I wish then that I could take something to stop puberty for now and then have it continue later when I felt ready for it. But my mom let me be a tom boy and let me play with my brothers things. I still did girl stuff like played with dolls and I still wore girl clothes, never boy clothes and I never wanted boy toys for myself. My mom never believed in the gender stereotype stuff. Who says girls can't play with cars? Who says girls can't play with toy guns or play in the mud or play action figures? Who says girls can't build things with blocks or train sets or Lincoln Logs or Tinker Toys?

Is your kid really trans? Hard to say. But I think you are doing good by letting him do girl things. Then let's see how he feels about his gender now. He might embrace being a guy or he might realize he is trans. Based on my own experience it was because I envied their body part they had girls lacked and then I started to embrace my gender in my teens and as an adult when I saw how easier women have it than men and plus I don't like the idea of having a penis because I couldn't imagine those things must get in the way when I sit and I couldn't imagine how it must feel to have something hanging there between my legs when I run and stand and how it feels to have it pushed up against my body when I wear underwear. Plus I didn't like the body hair they got and facial hair and how their voice changes and an adam's apple. Plus I thought women were cuter than men and prettier. Not all women, just some. Then for a while I thought I might be a lesbian and then I thought I was bisexual. I didn't know what my orientation was until I met my husband.

I'm disappointed, kraftiekortie - that was just a terrible thing to say. Maybe it was acceptable some years back, or in conservative enclaves, but times have changed. Not to mention that even young trans kids can become suicidal &/or terribly depressed if they are force to "accept being gender-neutral in dress" if that isn't who they are. Do you have any actual experience with trans kids and schools or are you just armchair commenting? What are you basing your advice on other than your personal opinion, please?

My spouse and I have met and conversed with a fair number of parents from NYC whose kids do just fine living as they identify and attending a variety of schools. There are also a number of moms-of-trans-kids in NY and the surrounding areas who have blogged about their experiences, some going back five, maybe eight years. By and large in most cases, the other students just took it in stride. *Especially* the ones in the younger grades and high school. Really, in aggregate there were only a few conservative parents who caused any trouble. Young kids don't really care, and older ones are actually leading the wave of acceptance - just look at how many transgender homecoming kings and queens were elected in the past few years.

Our pediatric endo went to a conference in New York, and it was swamped with local doctors treating trans teens, many who had been very happily living as they identify for years. NYC recently passed their transgender anti-discrimination law(s). And the Federal Dept of Ed has made it very, very clear to all 15,000 school districts that trans kids are not to be discriminated against.

Times have changed, kraftiekortie.

I hope I'm wrong.

Where is the evidence that this is MY view....because it isn't.

I hope she is allowed to express her new gender.

I wouldn't be the one to scorn her. I would feel protective, in fact.

I truly hope the schools truly have become more enlightened on this issue.

I can understand why your child would be upset that you corrected the stranger. I am not trans, but having a parent intrude in that way would be unhelpful unless you had a completely different situation like if he just wanted long hair or something (like when that was more of a style choice for cis-gendered boys) and it made him feel bad to have to correct people b/c his youth made it unclear that he was a boy; but he wanted to be seen as a boy, and if the autism made it hard for him to express it himself.

Your child's situation is very different from that. Whether he is trans or not, he is definitely playing around with gender and gender norms and is looking for a space to be able to do that. I would think strangers would be a perfect audience for that b/c no one has anything emotionally invested in them. I think he was proud he presented as female and then felt squashed by your intervention. I don't think it is terrible as long as you don't double-down on it. I think you can fix it with a conversation (depending on how easy it is for him to express himself on the subject.) and let him know that it was an impulse correction and you did not mean to interfere in his self-presentation. Whether he is trans or not, you can show he you are supportive (which you obviously are) of him.

I don't know how safe it is for him to play with that at school or not. I have heard good things in the news about some places being more accommodating, and I would guess (hope) that the right part of the NYC school district would be on the vanguard and one of the safer places. Even with liberal from-high policies, I do not think that the atmosphere would be equally good at every school. That is just a guess on my part, knowing that different schools have different vibes regardless of global district policies.

I'm an aspie who identifies as genderqueer (outside the binary gender system). I understand your fears and worries, because let's face it, your child probably won't have it easy socially as a young person on the autism spectrum who is also playing with gender. There will be problems. Still, denying your child the right to express itself will cause even bigger problems. I think the best thing you can do is make sure your child knows, that you love and accept it, no matter what, and making your home a "safe zone", where your child can be exactly what it wants to be without criticism. As for clothes/name: I think the best strategy is to let your child decide, but explain to the child the potential results of going out in a dress/using a female name etc.

I never said the child should not embrace her gender.

I just stated that the child just might have problems in school, and that the parents should be prepared.

Ask me any questions you want.