Parent with emotional maturity of a child

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Sometimes I feel like I am a parent with the emotional maturity of a child. Anyone else in that boat.

Forgive me if I Explode, seems like that is all I ever post.

I a 48 years old, I am an accountant and for now a manager of other accountants. I have aspergers and a lot of anxiety problems. Lately I have been very depressed and am trying to change to not be a manager anymore.

I am married to a wonderful wife and I have a 16 year old daughter and a 12 year old son, who both have aspergers and anxiety issues, and my daughter has a 17 year old boyfriend with the similar issues (and issues with authority)

I am going to say something incredibly selfish - please forgive me.

My wife pours all of her emotional energy into the kids and the only time she really pays attention to me is when I have an emotional meltdown or when she wants to go on a date (usually doing something she likes, such as going to eat).

Dont get me wrong, that is probably fair and probably what is best for the family at this point in time, but it sucks and it feeds into my anxiety thinking she loves the kids more than me and I a 4th (or fifth) wheel. I feel like the only thing I can contribute is earning a living, which nowadays with my depression seems like a more and more daunting task every day.

The kids probably do need more of her time because the are younger and I should be able to take care of myself, but sometimes I dont know if she does not get how much despair and pain I am going thru, or if she just knows but is more concerned about the kids.
I am high functioning and that sounds great, but when you are high functioning (and a little bit of a perfectionist) you get by thru keeping a low profile and it is hard to share your suffering. People forget about your problems because you have spent your whole life trying to fit in.
I just wish I could get a poor baby or something.
Usually all I get is you are too hard on yourself, you just need to let go of things. Well Duh. but how the heck do you do that?

I cant be the only one in this situation? Anyone else ever feel like their NT spouse ignores them in favor of their Aspy kids?

Love an prayers for you - may you understand others and be understood and loved

Bald Accountant

I know it's hard when a woman is fixated on the kids more than on the husband.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. This is sort of a biological thing.

I would be frustrated, too, if my wife didn't desire me as much as she used to before we had kids.

Hmmm, I suppose I could be accused of the same thing by my husband as our son is LFA and daughter is being assessed for HFA.

Just tell your wife what you are posting here. Don't expect her to read your mind just because she is NT. You have reasonable expectations of an emotionally intimate and warm relationship with your wife and she may believe that you have one until you tell her otherwise.

As for date nights, well, are they not to establish some 1:1 time together, without your kids tagging along ??

Well the funny thing is, from a bedroom standpoint, she has wanted to make love more often. Actually sometimes that is awkward because I try hard to make sure she can have an orgasm, but sometimes when I am depressed it is hard to get into it emotionally and then if it takes a long time for her because I did not give enough foreplay it makes me feel guilty.

Edited 11-6 at 4:23

Sorry I tried to comment on this earlier

Thanks for the feed back. it is really hard for me to give negative feedback to my wife because a lot of times I mean to say one thing and it comes out completely different. PLus she is so stressed I hate to add to it.

My wife likes to get out of the house and go to a resturant or movie. I prefer to stay home and watch netflix with her or listen to an audiobook, or even play video games with her. The one thing we both like is hiking, but we can only do that together on the weekends. I wotrk 40 minutes away and when I get home it is usually too late.

Crazy thing is, I love running errands with her. it is more relaxed than a date at a resturant less public. Some of our sweetest times together have been hauling stuff to the dump.

Last edited by Bald-Accountant on 06 Nov 2015, 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fixated? I don't he said she's fixated. Raising children isn't a fixation. That word implies there's something mentally wrong with his wife.



What is a biological thing? Loving your children and spending time raising them? Or wanting a loving relationship with one's spouse? I don't think either of those things belong to only one gender.



He didn't say his wife doesn't desire him.

Thanks Yippy Skippy - I edited my above post because it took the quote, but not my reply to it.

My wife really likes camping and I dont like camping, but I like being with my wife when we camp, but we were not able to go this year because of work and the kids schedule. My wife did say she wanted to buy a smaller camper for just the two of us when the kids leave and go across country. I am looking forward to that.

At least my wife gets me for the most part. She can tell when I am out of sorts emotionally and usually gives me a lot of rope. But I dont think she gets my depression. I am sure a lot of you know the feeling, people get concerned about you when you are near the breaking point, but when you put on your big boy pants and go to work even though you feel inside like you are going to die or you might want to die, people cant always see that from the outside, especially if you have spent years hiding it.

It's a fact: sometimes mothers lose track of their husbands somewhat while they are raising kids. I've seen many instances of this.

Maybe it's not the case in this instance. If it isn't, I would like to be the first to know. If I'm wrong, it's much better than me being right.

It's ridiculous to think that I implied that the wife was mentally off. Why would I think that? I think that's stretching things quite a bit.

It's fairly common for a woman preoccupied with raising children to not focus on the husband. As a result, the husband feels neglected at times. However, the husband does have to allow the mother of his children to focus more on the children than on him.

OP: I would like to have a wife like yours---I'm glad she's still desirous for Romance--even amid the difficulties of raising children.

I think it's natural. Nevertheless, the husband might feel bad.

Well, how kind of this hypothetical man to "allow" his wife to be "preoccupied" raising their children.
As if she should lock them away in a barn or something.

That is just absurd.

I'm not responding to this nonsense anymore.

It's just hard sometimes. I can relate. I would love to have more time with my husband, none of us is having it easy. Tonight I would have loved to have spent some time talking to him. Instead I watched a kid's movie because I had to read the subtitles out loud, while my husband sorted papers. Afterwards, we were both too tired to communicate. It would be ok if it wasn't like that all the time.

What I really want in my life is a week in a hotel. Seriously.

I have no good advice, only sympathies.

Edit: What I wanted to add was this: I actually think you and your wife seem like such nice people. I really hope this gets easier for you guys over time, it seems from your posts that you guys are really just struggling because your life conditions are difficult, not because any of you are doing anything wrong. I think the date night suggestion is a good one.

Last edited by underwater on 06 Nov 2015, 6:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Kraftie, I don't think you realize how your choice of words and phrasing comes across sometimes. The things you've said here appear quite sexist. You don't talk about the OP and his wife; instead, you talk about "women" as if we're a stereotype. You talk about raising children as if it's a) solely the responsibility of women and b) a distraction from the attention they ought to be showering on men. It actually makes me feel physically nauseated to read it.

I am REALLY concerned about this. Mr. Accountant, if you are feeling suicidal, please please please please go see a psychiatrist and get help. Depression is a serious illness, and not anything to be taken or treated lightly. I suffer from chronic depression - MDD. Sometimes, your brain chemistry is so screwed up that you need MEDICATION to cope with it. There is NO shame in taking anti-depressant whatsoever. After all, you'd take medicines to help with some other health condition, wouldn't you ?

I hope that I am dead wrong, but you sound like you need to see a psychiatrist, STAT. Wanting to die or thinking you are going to die is NOT NORMAL. And if you've been feeling this way for a long time, NOW is when you need to take proactive action. Maybe take your wife along - that may help her realize that you are really struggling if you are having a difficult time verbalizing your feelings to her (as you indicated in your response to me).

I think HisMom is right about the depression.

Aside from the depression, there is an interesting article from the dailymail about how some other fathers feel:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... -life.html

I'm sorry, but I cannot resist myself:

It's a fact: sometimes men lose track of their wives while they are pursuing their careers. I've seen many instances of this.

That is a ridiculous thing to say. As ridiculous as what you said, Kraftie (all due respect, of course). It's your observation. Not a fact. Plus, it is quite possible that the reason the mothers "lose track" of their husbands is because their husbands are not pitching in enough with the childrearing and homemaking tasks, and the mother doesn't have any time and/or energy left. Says one weary mother who works full time, does all the child-rearing, and all the homemaking. I'm tapped out. If any grown member of this household wants more attention, then he needs to take some of the load.

OP: I don't know if this will help you or not. My daughter is HF. Up until recently, whenever she would tell me about a social issue she had at school, I would respond by trying to explain to her what social rules she broke and how she might have more success next time. She used to always respond that I was taking everyone else's side, not hers. I would say I wasn't, and she would shut down and cry. One day she told me that what she wanted me to do first was just to feel bad for her. To just hug her and feel bad for her. She said if I could do that for her, then she would work on listening to what I said afterward. I had no idea how much my approach was hurting her. I thought I was helping. I was trying to help. I didn't know.

I share this because I thought of it when you mentioned that that your wife just responds by telling you that you are too hard on yourself. It is very possible that she has no idea that her response is not helping you feel better. What if you just told her that you just need her to give you a "poor baby" first? My daughter's request was really a simple one. I still want to just jump into "teachable moment" mode, but I stop myself and I meet her needs first.

BTW, it is hard to have more than the emotional maturity of a child when you are stressed and depressed. What are you doing to deal with your depression?

Do you help her with the kids?

I think sometimes when husbands accuse their wives of not spending time with them, they don't realise how busy their wives are/ how much work goes into raising kids. Maybe the wife would have more time to spend with the husband (and be less "fixated on her kids") if she wasn't the only one doing everything related to the kids and house.

I'm sure my husband has felt like you at times. When he felt like that, I felt like I was way too freaking busy doing EVERYTHING to spend time with him. As soon as he started helping again, I had less to do, and thus had some free time to spend with him. Makes sense, doesn't it? Another added benefit of helping is that I suddenly enjoy his time more when I'm not annoyed by how little he does around the house. I don't know if this is the case in your house, but I think it's worth thinking about.

Maybe you could sit down with her and tell her that you would like to spend more time with her…and then ask if there's anything you can do to help free up more of her time so she has time to spend with you.

Also, what happens if you arrange a date for her, a date that you enjoy too? What if you tell her you are renting a movie to watch with her, then offer to make dinner, put the kids to bed, and then watch the movie with her? Would she say no? I'm finding that hard to imagine. I'd say yes, haha. I think that would be really nice.

Regarding that article. It says

Why is it the mother's responsibility to involve the father? Why is EVERYTHING the mother's responsibility?! *tears out hair*