Puberty Question - Help

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We have a 12 yr old boy who is Autistic high functioning going through puberty. We had an issue at his school where he wrote something which prompted a conversation which in turn we learned that our son has been looking at nude women on the internet. So we had the " Talk " . We told him he was young to be looking at such graphic pictures, freaking internet. I put blockers on the computer which he figured out and removed. Here is my problem. I am a guy and I know what it is like to be 12 and want to look at pictures. I had to find a playboy in my case. I actually want him to look at pictures ( don't get angry ) because I understand the curiosity. What do I do? He has an ipad and friends with gadgets and if he really wants to see this stuff he will find a way. I just want him to have an outlet where he can go to his room in private and do what ever he has to. Somebody in my office suggested giving him a playboy to have, at least it's not raunchy. It almost sounds like a good idea. Any advice would be great.

I think a discrepancy between interest and skills can be a big problem. Can you help him socialize with kids more around things you want him doing? Otherwise he'll be looking at pictures, maybe wanting to date, and then what?

He has a good social life, a good click of friends and he has lots of interests but a boy will be a boy and he is interested in other things as well ( if you know what I mean )

Letting an autistic boy stay isolated and clueless about the relevant social skills is just about the best way to make sure he won’t date even if you don’t actively spend much energy to stop him. I guess it’s a very different world today. When I was twelve, I didn’t look at that kind of pictures because I didn’t know they existed, and there was more or less no way my eyes could accidentally end up seeing one. By the way, being unable to fit in with your peers is also great for suppressing the urge to do things considered “cool” among them, as you’ll be more afraid of them and see them as more hostile than adults.

I think I understand what you want. You want him an outlet with nudes but you don't want him with actual p*rn. I think Playboy stopped doing those but maybe Maxim or something is tasteful? (I don't really know what is out there)

I don't know what his mom thinks about it, but you could presumably make him a deal where you supply him with some tasteful sources for nudes and he has to cease and desist with looking for anything less tame. I am not sure if this will work, and I am not sure what the ramifications would be if he showed his friends or the school found out.

I can imagine if your son acts out, inappropriately,(where inappropriate may just mean saying the wrong thing) and they find out you are "enabling" this, that they will blame you, and not autistic social issues.

I know this is going to be a controversial statement and I'm probably going to get a lot of backlash for it, but let him watch some porn. Literally, go to PornHub, and maybe he'll be so disgusted, he won't want to see anymore.

I get the curiosity part. But is there any way to let him satisfy it without teaching him - with tacit parental approval - that women are to be treated as little more than sex objects? Or is that asking the impossible? It just seems like this is also an incredible opportunity to teach him a way of seeing people - including women - that would be very useful as an adult. Especially if you don't expect him to be an apparently highly socially adept man with women throwing themselves at his feet and other parts...you know, like in those movies.

Thanks for the input. I know this is a tough thing. I am 46 and when I was a kid I needed to get lucky and find a nudie mag in the garbage to look at. The freakin Internet is out of control with this stuff but......he is a boy and coming of age and like most boys and men we like looking at nude women. Yes when I had a talk with him I made sure to be clear that women are not objects and you only do these things when you get married and so on. His mom does not know what to do since she was never a boy but agrees that he needs an outlet and would prefer him not to find it on the net. It's such a fine line we don't know what to do without crossing it a little.

Look for good-quality dating sims, such as my personal favourite, Katawa Shoujo. Play through them first yourself, to get an idea what kind of message they send, then if they meet your approval, see if he'll play them. It could really help to build social skills and expose him to sexuality in a healthy and positive context. Katawa Shoujo for example has some nudity and explicit scenes (if you set the settings to 'nudity on') that occur in the context of loving, realistic and mutually respectful relationships. Plus, it has a positive portrayal of disability!

Don't want him to find it on the 'net, don't especially want him to find it in real life either. And no real way to actually prevent either from happening.

He's on the spectrum, right? Are internal rules important, or even crucial to him? Might it be possible to teach him the baseline social rules surrounding s*x + images, videos & language & expression? Maybe teach the attitude that the act itself (sorry, writing this from work) is a healthy, fun, sharing sort of thing with all sorts of variations ...but, teach him that many portrayals are over-the-top, theater and not real - kinda like how other things as portrayed in media are exaggerated compared to how they work in real life?

How is there “no real way to actually prevent either from happening”? Don’t want him to find it on the ’Net, don’t let him access it unsupervised or at all; don’t want him to find it in real life, don’t let him go out unsupervised or at all. Simple.

Spiderpig, The OP is not looking to isolate his son. His son socializes and he is going to run into things because his friends are going to have access to them He just is hoping if his son has some approved access to sexy images, that he won't care about looking up things that are too hardcore. He doesn't want to keep his kid from socializing, just to assure he won't access p*rn.

Well, it didn’t occur to me to look for p*rn till I was 19, and I didn’t really find it till I was 23. My parents must have done something right.

Have you had the full talk yet? As in, covering that personal activity that most pubescent hormonal kids end up discovering (and relentlessly abusing!)?

If you have, then I would give him the mags. It's natural and normal to be curious. My hubs had his first "personal experiences" with National Geographic magazines! Where there's a will, there's a way, so I would just try to steer him to the safest choices, and reinforce that women are real people who make independent choices when he's not otherwise engaged.

In this case, it may actually help him socially, too, because the NT boys are finding a way, too.

Yes ASD MOM, You are correct 100 %. My son has lots of friends. I'm just trying to figure out a way to give him an outlet for his ummmm..... needs. We had the talk about sex and he knows how it is done and he knows what happens to boys when they are alone and ummmm well you know. In general he knows but said it has not happened yet. I told him to talk to me when it does so we can go over some ground rules, It's really not what I want to do but it has to be done so I will suck it up and do it

Well, sure. And might as well read all his mail, listen in on all his phone calls, make him check out all library books using the parent's card and insist on being present whenever he talks to his friends in person. Yes, that was sarcasm.

Realistically, a teen viewing information they want to search out is nearly inevitable unless parents are willing to go to draconian measures. So parents have weigh the costs & the negative effect of doing such things - and the negative cost can be quite high and pervasive. I happen to be a proponent of Stallman's "Information wants to be free"; IMO seeing the images & videos is not in itself inherently harmful *if* the teen has been taught to put them in perspective with real life. But once they do have that perspective it's somewhat likely the images will also lose their "contraband" excitement value.