Daughter diagnosed today

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Not unexpected, but the psychiatrist confirmed it today. We get the report next week.

I am happy for her and for us, now that we know. maybe now she will finally get more of the services that she needs.

But I am also filled with complicated feelings I barely understand. There is a particular sadness that I feel in seeing her go through some of the same painful experiences that I did. I used to think that was all something that reason and caring could negate, but now I see that it's partly just the way we are wired. We are different.

I can relate. We were (as well as his school therapists) pretty sure my son was going to be diagnosed with ASD by the time we got the diagnosis, and I just really wanted it to be confirmed by a doctor so that he would be eligible to get services he needed. I thought I would just be relieved if/ when it was confirmed. We loved/ love him just the way he is, and I saw no reason why I would feel upset in the slightest when he got the diagnosis. However, when the doctor told me, I also was surprised by the sad feelings that came up. I think it was because it also made it real that he would always have certain struggles, and it pained me that he would have to go through them. Mostly, I felt sad about the social struggles because he is very social, but just does not understand how the NT kids socialize, and I feel bad for him when he is rejected. The diagnosis solidified (in me) the reality that this would always be an issue for him. The sadness did not last long, though. We were also able to get him into a different school program with the diagnosis, and he now has other ASD kids in his class. Before he was the only one. It makes a huge difference. He now has friends and feels liked and respected.

Perhaps. But I think any kind of difference can create these things, and reason and caring can negate a lot over time. I think my daughter found 5th grade to be tough with other kids. I don't remember how old your daughter is, but I think late elementary or middle school? It does get easier.

Now, the reason and caring seem to have made things that really bother me things she can often handle without being overwhelmed. Reason and caring take awhile to gel, but I think they do over time.

I hope they find tools that help your daughter.

You could turn this into a real strength. You understand what she's going through, so you have a head-start in figuring out how to help her. Just ask yourself, with each strategy you consider, 'would this have helped me?'

At least you have something concrete to go on.

At least you have the documentation which will make it easier for you to get services for her.

It is a weird feeling isn't it?

By the time we got our son's diagnosis, we were not surprised, either, but there is a feeling connected with opening Schrödinger's Box, (with a labeled kid, inside) and the finality of knowing, that is both good and bad. The answer is not truly binary, and nothing actually changed, but it is such an ambivalent feeling, and you know it is just the beginning of more challenges up ahead.

You know this from your son, and maybe it is a little easier going through it with a second child, because you know to some extent what comes next.

Well, today I recognize the symptoms of incipient depression. Having been through major depression several times before, this is hardly surprising, but I am going to help to knock this down right away. Life is too demanding to get derailed by that crap now--I just can't afford it.

I think my feelings yesterday were natural and valid, but also tinged with that depressive edge and so a little tangled and alloyed with a component that is not altogether natural or valid. What a pain it is to have an emotional system with these tendencies!

I don't think it is unnatural- well to me it isn't.

I think that having gone the path before as someone on the spectrum (and going through it with one child, you know how hard it is) and it is natural to grieve on behalf of your child. Also, it tends to dredge up things from the past that are painful to relive.

That said, sometimes the pragmatic approach can be a good one, and you can resolve to (try to) shove the unproductive feelings/memories down the mind chute (Inside Out reference) and just carry on with what you have to do.

Thank you ASDMommyASDKid--You hit the nail on the head about dredging up painful memories.

I was suicidal at 12, now my 14 year old daughter has been talking about jumping into traffic and wanting to cut herself... It's impossible to hear without revisiting some pretty dark places.

Thank you all for the kind words and helpful advice.

I am really ASDDadASDKids myself now. Not what I had imagined when I thought they had misdiagnosed my son a few years ago.

Reason and caring, kindness and mindfulness. These are the essentials. They don't take away the differences, but they make life better. Thanks for speaking up for them.

You will get through it. That is a rough age, but knowing her dad understands her and can help her, will mean a lot.

Thanks ASDmommyASDKid, I hope so. These are not easy days.

When my son was first diagnosed (while older, he was diagnosed after my daughter), I initially felt...ecstatic. Finally, I had confirmation of what I knew and all the naysayers were going to have to shut their pie holes (or so I naively thought! LOL) I was extremely shocked when a short while later I felt sad. I had already become thoroughly comfortable with the idea of "the spectrum" because of my daughter. I really had anticipated that I would only feel happy about getting my son a diagnosis because it would open doors that were previously blocked. I already understood that "he's still the same kid" and "people on the spectrum can have a happy successful life." I really expected it only to be a positive thing.

But it wasn't. Not past the initial feelings. Although I always knew he wasn't going to "just grow out of it" like everyone from friends to family to professionals had told me, when he got his diagnosis, it was "official:" He was NOT going to just grow out of it.

To be truthful, I still have periods where I am torn. I truly believe that my kids are perfect the way they are. I mean it when I say I would not want trade them for typical kids. I mean it when I say I embrace their neurology. I really do.

But there are days, like today, when I hate it. I hate that he has to struggle with something that he didn't ask for. I hate that he has to work so hard to accomplish less. And in the depths of my desperation, I wish he was NT.

But I really don't.

But I do.

And yet I don't.


The point I am trying to make is that I think your response is definitely "normal." Whether or not it is being shaped by underlying depression, I cannot say. But please, my friend, know that it is normal.

Personally, I think it would be ABnormal not to feel this way.

P.S. My son is 14, too. I agree with ASDMommy. I think this is a tough age. My son is usually my "easier" one. Not at the moment, though. And it's not just that he is a teen. It is because of the way he is wired.

Thanks InThisTogether. It's very good to see all your comments here again.

As usual, your wisdom is deeply appreciated. There are definite echoes of that kind of feeling in this for me.

I have so wanted her to have a better life than me, and now she is really struggling. It's hard to watch and hard to hear. Part of it is surely the teenage hormonal thing, but I do think the way that she experiences that and the way those forces come through her is tremendously shaped by autism.