School Drama: Part Deux

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, for anyone that has been following my "saga" with my sons school, you will know what I am going through, for those that don't and want to know, you can find the first half of the "drama" here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... highlight=

Or, this is a brief summery:
_________________________________________________________________________________

My son has been very recently DX'ed with Aspergers. He had been homeschooled for 4 years, but I put him back last September. He has a non supportive school, and at the time, had no official DX. So, getting any help was real hard. I have since January been in meetings, in and out regarding his acedemics, and the accomidations he needs acedemically and socially, getting now where real fast!

Anyway, he gets his report card mid March, and has done really well due to the hard work (too much hard work?) we have been doing at home. I give very little credit to the school, they are a barrier more then anything. Within a week of this "victory" his social problems come to a head. He is spat on by a girl on the playground with really no provocation, (he only wanted to "talk" to her friend who had been friends with him). He also was being called horrible names and threatend by other children in the class. The teachers where doing nothing, finally, he went to change for gym, and the boys started tormenting him again, to which he decided to record it on a digital recorder. He tried to report it, but instead was told he "committed a legal offence" had to distroy the evidence, and had the recorder he needs for assignments taken away.

So, he comes undone completely, I take him out of school until we can get this all resolved. In a few days of that, I FINALLY GET HIS DX!

__________________________________________________________________________________

Long story short, he has been out 20 days now, and is supposed to go back today. He freaked out this morning, and I had two choices, let him stay home, or physically and mentally beat him to make him go. I chose to let him stay home. We have discussed his going back for just 1/2 days until he is ready for full days again. He is fine with this, and wants to go this afternoon.

So, I call the school, and I was supposed to have a meeting with the Vice Principle regarding the bullying, what the school can do, what their policies are, but in talking with him, he "seems confused" as to exactly what we have not discussed yet. And, states that he really can't talk to me without representation from the school board, because so many people are involved, and with this DX, he qualifies for more support, and we cannot "compartmentalise" our approach for my son, and blah blah blah.

I told him I only want to deal with the bullying, restated I want a meeting with my husband to discuss our concerns regarding bullying only, and want to know what the schools policy is on it, what they are doing about it, etc. Again, he side steps me, saying it would be better for the board meeting to address this. I tell him, "I am worried, that at these meetings, we are usually pressed fo time, and with so many issues, not everything gets adressed, and frequently, things don't seem to actually get resolved. He told me this would be "my" meeting and it would not have a time limit.

Ok... I asked him if I could email him a list of questions my husband and I have regarding bullying at the school level, and he could then opt to answer them through email, or at a meeting between him and us, or defer some questions to the "board meeting". He agreed to this.

UGH! I am in Vogon Hell! Does someone have an improbability drive?

So, am I moving forward, or is this just another circus designed to send me running in circles?

The good news is, special ed is looking into the software I suggested, hopefully we can get that implamented for him soon!

OK, go to his office without an appointment and wait there. Basically, ambush him. Back him into a corner, making an on the spot meeting with you his only escape. My parents did the same thing to my school administrators when we had to fight.

Oh, and about the moving forward part. The administration sending you in circles is a good thing, because they have realised that they can't put you off forever.

Really, it is best to get the bullying addressed in the IEP. If Canada is anything like the US, the principal doesn't have the authority to address the issue on his own. I'm not saying this to defend him, of course. He should not return to school without a proper IEP in place. Again, I'm not sure of how this works in Canada.

In Canada, the Principle /Vice principle does have a lot of authority regarding bullying in the school.

The wheels are in motion to get the IEP ripped to shreds and rebuilt, and of course, bullying is a part of that.

public schools are terrible. I'm 32 and only just found out I'm an aspie, which explains ALOT, but anyway had a terrible time in school. It is sad that you have as much trouble with teachers and administrators sometimes as the other children. When I was in 8th grade, a teacher actually told a cousin of mine that he thought I was on drugs and needed serious help. He based this soley on how I dressed and that I was "antisocial" (quiet and didn't join in with other kids)! !

That is sad. In grade 2 My mother was told I was "ret*d" and needed a special class to learn basic living skills, you know, like washing your clothes, and how to take public transit... so that oneday I could live an independant life!

The problem that we ran up against is that the principal cannot do anything about the behavior of other children, only your child. Frankly, I think high school is a destructive environment for aspies. Have you considered distance education like ndisonline.org? It's not home school as the child has teachers on the Net instead of in the classroom.

earthcalling, I know you said you don't want to homeschool, but you just said that his progress has been due to what you've been doing at home. This coupled by the fact that he is terrified to return makes me want to ask you to reconsider homeschooling. Maybe now that he's seen what the option is, he might be more compliant with you? Please don't be offended-- I am homeschooling 2 of my kids (1 HFA, 1 NT, and a little for a third) and believe me I know it's a thankless grind and the last thing a mom with probably AS herself needs--but I don't see any other options in my situation.

Maybe he could continue just half days? Maybe you could homeschool but with help/ services from the school district? I know that here you can homeschool and get special services from the district with an IEP.

The principles here have a fair amount of authority in regards to bullying. He says that he has "talked" to all the main instigators, and if it continues, their will be an escalating scale of discipline, ultimately these kids could be suspended or have privileges (like recess) taken away from them. In talking with him before, I am confident that now he is aware of the problem, he will do just this. What is missing right now, is my son NEEDS a protocol to follow if he runs into trouble in the future. He needs it spelled out, just WHAT he is supposed to do, and who does he see regarding what the incident. I would also like to see a documentation process, where incidents in the future are recorded, all parties are made aware of the problem, and a course of action can be decided. That may be "consequences" for the bullies, but would also include social skills coaching for my son. He would get feed back on what how he handled the situation, what he did right, what he should do differently next time.

Of course, the schools typically don't want to document ANYTHING like this, because it increases the accountability. I am formally requesting it now, so it will be fun to see them scramble to try and dodge it again. The plain fact is, my son has a DX of AS now, he NEEDS protocols to handle these situations, and he NEEDS feedback, this is crucial to his social development. Recording it only makes sense. I can't see any logical way they can argue that.

Again, it is such a hard call to make for me.

The last few weeks have not been easy for us. He is not happy at home either. He finds his brother and sister hard to take in large doses, and his interest in academics really tanks quickly if there is no "motivation" to keep it up. He needs the accountability of another authority figure, besides mom at this point.

If the bullying is under control, and we get a few accommodations, like flexible timelines, and computer access with the right software, he really is better off in school.

He also at home feels like there is something inadequate with him, although I have tried and tried to tell him that is not true. He sees his not going to a "school" as a failure.

I know even with not having friends, and having some struggles, in the past he has been very excited about classes, and rarely wants to skip. (Although I am very liberal with letting him stay home as a general rule). I have even asked him after a rough morning "do you want to stay home" and he tells me "no, we are doing something in Art this afternoon that sounds really fun!".

So, for now, I think we are going to continue pushing through, with the DX it seems the school board is hopping, so things may improve enough for him to survive middle school.

As for high school, well, that is going to bring its own challenges for sure. They are already talking about putting him in a school that is substandard, designed for kids who "can't survive a regular HS", usually due to intellectual difficulties, or conduct disorders. It is a strict "school to work" program, that I do not think is suitable for him. I have made my position on that very clear, he is going to go to a regular school or no school.

That said, I agree he is going to need accommodations and even an alternative program, but not just a dumbed down curriculum.

He is two years away from HS. So we have some time still to prepare him and investigate the best program. I may even by that point be able to get him into a private school, depending on my work / home situation.

There is a school here, that is an alternative program. The kids have flexible timelines and can come and go as they please, although I think they do need to put in a minimum of 25 hours per week at the school. The neat thing is they have some really interesting shops and arts programs / computer programs.

There is another H. school here, that runs like our adult ed programs. They have a wide variety of courses that are broken down into 20 "units". The student chooses 4 courses at a time, and is able to finish the programs at their own pace over the year. They can even go into the summer if they have too. If they finish a course early, and the other 3 are not complete, they can pick up a new one.

I have also considered a 1/2 day in HS, depending on the school he wants to go to, and doing correspondence at home for 1 credit at a time.

Basically what it comes down to, is all the "neat" stuff the kids to in school, I just can't offer him, and he does not want to miss out on it.

Well, he came back after his first 1/2 day, and reported that everything went really well!

The students actually where really nice to him, and seemed genuinely interested in his "trip" that he went on. I suppose the teachers told them that he was on an extended vacation, which was partly true as we did go "up north" for a week to his grandparents.

He thinks that "something" must have happened, and is glad that there seems to be an about face in attitude. That said, he is very worried that "It won't last". He does not understand how one day they can be so mean, and the next so nice, and then, from past experiance, he knows they may (will) turn on him again. So, we are trying to talk a bit about that, mostly just that it is a fact of life, you gotta give it your best shot, but not to be too disapointed if it does not last, kids can be cruel, and the NT population often "fakes" niceness, and can get really mean in a hurry.

Surprisingly, the Vice Principle called me this evening from home, asking how his day went. He seemed really supportive and genuinely interested and wanting to help. He says that he is over run with meetings this week, and appologised if he seemed abrupt this morning. He wants my son to know he can seek him out and talk to him about social issues, and that he will be a supportive adult for him to lean on.

I am encouraged with that, he is a person of authority who since being made aware of the situation, has not as of yet, "given the brush off".

Still, I am making my list to give of questions / things we need resolution on with the bullying. He touched on it in that he would tell my son what they do to help prevent / deal with bullies, but I want to take it a step futher, I want to know what they do!

So, tommorow is day two, I am encouraging my son to "try" the full day, but he can make the decision at lunch to if he wants to go back for the afternoon.

Now, we just have to get the whole IEP in place, I am off to pick up his DX letter tommorow, and then we can get the accomidations he needs in place.

So far, it has been positive...

yay for you and your son!!

I have to admit, that as a NT myself even *I* don't understand kids or people in general and how they can go from being so nice one day to turning on you....so I feel for him. It's a tough lesson to learn, and let's face it - I'm 36 and still don't quite get it.

I know it's hard not to push him into going the full day, but as I'm learning even with my 7 year old - I have to let him take things at his own pace. It's not nearly the same thing, but Gavin plays soccer. His team went from practicing for just one hour on Thursdays to practicing for an hour and a half. The Thursday that this changed, he refused to stay - saying that practice is only an hour and that he was done. I didn't push (although I wanted to) him, but I told him in the car that the next week, he would need to stay for the entire practice. (please keep in mind here that Gavin actually LIKES soccer - this isn't about my forcing him into an activity, he genuinely enjoys playing but doesn't like changes in schedule being "sprung" on him) Anyway, the next week came and Gavin announced to ME that he'd be staying until 5:30 because "that's what time soccer ends now, Mom". Well alrighty then.


I only hope this good news continues for you - let us know!

Thanks Rhonda.

One of the things with him doing a 1/2 day in the middle school though, is often they do the "cool stuff" all over the place. So when he does 1/2 days, he feels like he is missing out on the "fun" and getting the boring stuff or torture!

He went for the full day today! It was another good day. He also did his homework on the computer last night using Inspirations and "wow" what a difference! French was actually INTERESTING!

I came home a little after school with the younger kids today, and one of his "two" friends was over! He has not seen my son in about 3 weeks, so that was encouraging! (He said he was grounded, he has a lot of the same problems as my son, although I think it is extreme ADHD, not AS).

I got a call today from our ASD clinic run by our local "sick kids" hospital. What a nice lady, (intake) she called when we where on vacation, but called back this morning to see if she could catch us because they are doing their weekly "presentations" to prioritize the new clients I suppose. They seemed to be really good questions. She is going to call back in the next few days to give an idea of when we will "get in".

In the mean time, I picked up the DX note from the office. That goes off to the school tommorow!

It is taking so damn "slow" to get this stuff done, I just have to keep reminding myself "babysteps" and we are moving in the right direction!

I got a call from the LRT afterschool today.

She told me that she did not think that they needed another "meeting" to review his IEP, and wanted to do it over the phone, I was a little taken aback.

But, she started off firing real solutions at me!
1.) They are refering him to OT (occupational therapy) for an assessment on his fine motor skills. With this assessment, she said that she is pretty sure that they will be following up with therapy from an Occupational Therapist to improve his fine motor skils. It will also help with getting him computer accomidations!

2.) She told me she passed on the software, and it looks like it is board approved. With that they will be installing it on the classroom computer THIS TERM for the rest of the term, and she wants me to come in and sign a form requesting more funding for him, so that they can get him a laptop for use next year when he goes into rotation, with all the software he needs on it!

3.) She then mentioned some of the IEP accomidations they where adding, and I fired off a bunch at her, which she balked at, at first, but I pressed it, and she agreed to add.Maybe I am getting to be a better advocate, maybe they really just want me to shut up and go away!

Some of the things I asked for included flexible deadlines (which she said he HAD)
And he can have a chance to redo assignments he does poorly on. This is not just an acedemic accomidation, I stressed it was because when he is doing an assignment, he has high levels of anxiety about "not doing it right and getting a bad mark". And then when he gets the bad mark, it just distroys him. If he knows he can have a redo, he feels MUCH better about it. I suggested the line between redo and no redo be "provincial standard" which is a B.

We are also adressing his social needs, making sure that he is placed in the class with people he can get along with, and students that will be a good influence on him.

I also adressed that he needs very clear instructions for homework assignments, written down or given to his recorder. She really balked at that one, but I gave her 3 examples, of how confused he got, over the deadlines / timelines for completion, the methodology he could use, and the overall expectations and point of the assignment. So, she added "clear instructions on all assignments, esp. homework to be given orally and in writting with examples".

That was not everything, but the big things, I am so pleased! I think it has to do with being persistent, getting the DX, the fact I pulled him out of school for 20 days (including weekends) and showing up on Monday with software and a teaching manual (for teachers) written by my husbands aunt, an LD tech in a different school board. They where near lawyering up yesterday. They know they can't push me around anymore!

I am pretty excited, I just hope it all "stays on track".
She really went on and on about how he has come a l

That sounds like a definite win for you and your son! It gives me hope that when it's my turn to deal with the school district, that I may actually get somewhere!