Making Friends?

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My son came home at lunch. This is his third day back now.

Yesterday I got a call from the LRT who for all our past experiance, acted like she was in charge of protecting the school treasury, anyway, she did an about face, and in a span of about 5 minutes told me they are bringing in a TON of help for my son! YAY!

He said yesterday while doing his homework that he would not have to write the health test today because he missed so much. Then he complained because it "was a really cool unit, and he missed it". (they where studying drugs).

Anyway, at lunch he came home with a "gift" from another boy, we will call "R".

"R" gave him the used wrapper to a stink bomb. it is a silver package about the size of a single packet of hockey or trading cards, on the cover, it features a cartoon kid "mooning" you with the word "BOOM" coming out of his butt. The kid is laughing.

Anyway, the package is not smelly. "R" gave it to him and said "Here, I have a present for you". My Son accepted it, said "thank you" and put it in his pencil case. He did not know what else to do. He thinks that "R" was making a gesture of friendship, and maybe that is true... but I don't know, it is sending off alarm bells in my head.

I don't understand the motives and actions of Bratty 12 year old NT'S. I just don't. I am afraid my son does not either. I could see boys passing around a picture like this just to "share the joke" and have a good chuckle over the picture. I could see this being some sort of weird "gesture of friendship and inclusion in the fraternity".

However, I can also see it as a nasty private joke. Or, maybe as a set up for a stink bomb he planned to lay later in the day. "I saw "O" do it!" And then my son has the contents of 1 said stinkbomb on his person...

Anyway, I have the wrapper now, and the boy was sent home on an unrelated charge. (He trashed the boys bathroom with another student this morning).

Yesterday "R" and a friend asked my son to play tag with them. It is like pulling teeth talking to "O" about his social life. I asked him if he did. He said yes. I asked if he enjoyed it. He said "No, I HATE tag." I asked him if he thought playing tag went well with the boys. He said "Yes, I am really fast and pretty good at it, I just don't like it, I want to be a loner".

*Deep Breath*.

Well, how aspie is that? One side of me says to have him try to "play the game a little" Not playing these games, if invited marks him as being weird and antisocial (which he is). He was not "distressed" playing tag. Perhaps if he can "fake it" a little, things might go better for him.

But I also know from my own past experiance, you can't really "fake it". The NT's always know.

I told him to do what he wants to do. It may be a good idea to play these games if asked, but not to feel like he has too.

BTW, I am contacting the V.P. about the stink bomb wrapper. I think I need help determining what that is all about...

Sounds like bathroom humor boys that age enjoy.

I dont think being friends with the kid who trashes bathrooms is a great idea for anyone but especially an aspie....these sociopaths like to find someone they can manipulate and we send up red flags....."pick me".These kind of people can change "loyalities in the blink of an eye,as well.They might be your "real friend" one day and the next,teasing you with the other guys.Sounds like "bully" material to me...beware.


I can relate to your sons desire just to be in his own world.Recess is supposed to be a kids time to destress,so they can refocus when class begins.Being social has never detressed me.Sitting by myself and building "bug houses" with rocks and sticks was much more fun and relaxing for me.I understand wanting kids to be a part of something,but we always end up doing something"wrong" given enough time,so the inclussion never lasts long,anyway.I think it is preferable to make friends with other "quit kids".It's not an easy thing to figure out whats "right".I am just very paranoid about "group dynamics"...they are seldom "healthy".I remeber thinking at a very young age......."the more kids there are in a group,the lower the IQ of the group."
Time to get out your copy of "Lord of the Flies"....man,could I relate to that book.

Yup. My experiances too. I was always "out of it", or in trouble with people with no idea why! And packs are scary. It took a lot when he was younger to get him to think outside of the pack. "But Kyle and Jay where smashing bottles on the street, so it is not bad..." ... I really liked that book!

I volunteer for an after school care program. We have 1 boy who has autism. For awhile the other boys would pick on him ALL time because he didn't realize they were picking on him, until we realized what they were doing. Now some will talk to him, others will do puzzles with him.

To me, it does sound like these other boys are attempting to pick on him and set him up for some sort of major teasing or worse. I would talk to someone who may listen and ask the at recess someone keep a close eye as to what is happening since this may need to be addressed to him in his way of understanding.

I am trying to teach my son about good choices in friends, but it is really hard. He sees people he thinks are better choice (but they are the ones that tease him and hurt his feelings). But, it isn't easy when they want to fit in & social pressure pushing that need for acceptance.

But, defiantly, talk to someone to keep on eye on him during recess.

It sounds like the kid was just being a jerk. He might have been setting something up, and he might have just been getting rid of trash. Either way I would warn your son not to trust him.

I didn't talk to my parents about my social life either. I hardly talked to them about anything- especially social issues. I was terribly ashamed that I didn't know how to relate to people. I went through problems as bad as your son's in school, but my parents were barely aware that anything was wrong. Occasionally it would come up and they would say things like, "they're probably laughing with you, not at you," and "just walk away." (SO not helpful.) Be grateful you can get any information out of your son at all.

Trust me, I am very greatful! It is very hard still for him to communicate, and it took the bullying getting pretty bad before christmas for him to actually begin to open up. We smoothed that situation over, but it creeped up on us again, only this time the teachers where being "useless". "Oh no, not again... Ok, I'll talk to "r" if you want me too, but I doubt it will do anything".

I found though, that the V.P. has taken a very serious interest in all this, and i am sending him an email regarding this latest "incident". I just want to keep it on the radar for now...

My mother taught me it was not Ok to be a loner, I "needed" to fit in. She created a longing in me, for something I did not want in the first place, and ultimately could never have, popularity! . I will not make the same mistake with my son, if he is comfortable with being a sideliner, that is where he belongs, not appearing desperate or needy to a bunch of jerks. Still, he needs to learn "some" of the social give and take of superficial relationships. I don't want him in too deep with any of these boys though.

(sigh) why does parenting have to be so damn hard!

I am a female,by the way...so,yeah,it wa weird to people when I was into building things,picking up bugs(I remember dissecting a dead bee in 3 grade,while in class,to see the stinger...fascinating.

I do have a very different experience then many kids with AS.I was often invisible and liked it but dont remember much teasing.After learning about AS....I have been trying to figure out if I have "blanked it out?" or was just so indifferent to what anyone else thought about me?I know my reportcards said I had bad boundaries with other kids and would often get up and stand to close and try and "help them" do their school work.

Mostly,I dont recall being very interested in them....they seemed pretty dull as a group.

I think you have a good attitude about your son.I did have two female friends in Girl scouts....has he tried any of these type groups.I think it helped that we were doing activities that I was interested in....nature,tracking animals,making things...seemed to ease socialization because it was task orientated and structured.(I still prefer that when being around people...lets DO something,not just sit around chatting).He can learn some useful social skills outside of class room that might help him in school....is their an "interest" that he could join a group?(I also loved the drama/debate group in JR High..we were all "freaks".)

I read one of Liane Holliday Willey's book (she is an Aspie, educator and author) and photocopied an appendix from her book which I have kept.

Self-Affirmation Pledge for Aspies
- I am not defective. I am different
- I will not sacrifice my self-worth for peer acceptance.
- I am a good and interesting person.
- I will take pride in myself
- I am capable of getting along with society.
- I will ask for help when I need it
- I am a person who is worthy of other's respect and acceptance.
- I will find a career interest that is well suited to my abilitiies and interests
- I will be patient with those who need time to understand me.
- I am never going to give up on myself.
- I will accept myself for who I am.

Does he really have to do what the school wants, and not what he wants? You don't want him sacrificing his self-worth in the attempt to get peer acceptance.

By the way, I am one of three girls, so never knew much about boys. I now have 3 boys and it has been a steep learning curve! Boys can be quite feral!!

My 7 year old son is not always particularly interested in playing with others. Just this morning he said, "My best friend is my brain". He plays with others when he wants to. But when he doesn't want to he withdraws. That's fine by me!

Yes, you teach them social skills, but you can't dictate how they use these skills.

I go to the school 2/week and chat with the teacher and Special Ed. teacher. Even when things are going well I am always up there. You need to stay in their face.

Good luck!

Smelena

I echo krex's comment here, I have been involved in Scouting since I was 6 and now help at a local group. Whilst looking back, I didn't fit in terribly well younger in the movment, I enjoyed all of the activities however, and eventually the people I didn't 'fit with' left due to peer pressure. Some of my best friends now are those who I have met within scouting - we share common intrests and that is what does it. What are his interests?

The stinkbomb gesture sounds like a definitie setup!

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Sorry, I am so terrible at getting the gender figured out of a person online. I think it may have something to do with my slight reading discorder, I tend to skip or gloss over the "small" words that may give details... I assumed someone else was a "she" several weeks ago... Now Iam trying to write as gender neutral as possible! It feels like when I don't know if I know the person I am talking to or not due to faceblindness, but they seem to recognize me!
:P that actually sounds kind of cute in a not so cute way! I know I have 100's of times tried to "help" people who have not solicited it!


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We have, and in the past it has proven a nightmare. Every time we pick up up, there was something "wrong" or some "problem". It has improved though, but I think these sorts of things cross the line to the "negative socialization" end of the spectrum.

When he was 6, we put him in a "Y" program. The other kids would play games and sports, he would sit from the sidelines, screeching "eee" "eee" usually with a physical tic along with the sounds, (It looked like he was 'squishing peoples heads".) Eventually he confided in us, after 8 months that he "hated" the program and was being bullied.

We have tried Cubs / Scouts too. The first year was sort of rough on him, he is very passionate about "hating" playing sports. He acted out a lot, and was pushed around a bit. Not knowing what to do, my DH and I left him in thinking "he needs to learn S. Skills". (Partly because we pulled him out of school so he was not getting it there). The second year, my husband actually joined the Cub pack as an assistant leader just to make sure that he would have a positive social experiance. It had its pros, the second year went really well. By the third year though, his "differences" where causing problems. They where not mean to him or anything, but generally people where shrinking away from him, trying to limit contact with him. The friends he made stopped calling on him, he bacame more and more isolated in the group, and could not understand "why these kids did not want him around anymore". My son elected to not join "scouts" the next year, because he could not get along with several of the kids anymore, and they played an overwhelming number of "sports".

Currently, he does not want to join a group like this, and I am not going to "force it on him". I think with the school piece, he needs time to decompress after school, and finish homework. (He has set some very high expectations for himself).

"sigh". Parenting is never easy, especially with children who can't be packaged up into nice little standard sized boxes!

I think many Aspies feel the same way. I know I do. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to be good friends with your brain - some people need to use theirs more often! I think that quote from your son explains a lot of what Autism is in just six words, so much thanks for sharing.

Dont you think that the "pleasure center" is more activated when learning for aspies?(especially areas of interest.)I remember very clearly being excited about learning things....it made me feel happy.I could never understand people who appeared to have no "intellectual curiosity" and were bored with information?????I still find it disappointing and shocking....guess I have ToM issues....to difficult to grasp someone who would rather chat then read or watch a documentary or historical reenactment......of course this kind of attitude gets you teased by peers for being a "know it all" or "pompous ass" or "stuck up"...people are weird.

the principle sent a follow up to my email, says he is going to call today to discuss it. I feel like an ass, because talking "O" him last night, apparently I was confused, it was not "r" in the class, but "s" who gave him the wrapper... They both got a days suspension a little later in the day, so I guess either my son transversed the names, or I misunderstood...

I better clearify that with the VP, but feel like a jerk!

How can my son be so verbal on one hand, and yet have such a hard time communicating simple information...

The VP called. He said he had a "chat" with a few kids, and my son.

He was really positive. Said that he wants to make sure that things "stay on the right track, because he is a good kid". He also talked to some of the kids in the class who know him, and they all said that they like him a lot. So it is obvious that there was some sort of "disconnect before in why he was getting bullied and picked on so much.

I think what happens is, he alianates himself, and then they feel regected, and the whole thing falls apart. The prinicple agrees. It is amazing how painful it can be to hear that your child is "likable". On one hand you swell up with pride, but on the other hand, it is painful because you know that dispite being a "likeable person" he is incapable of making and sustaining friendships.

The principle has talked to some of the nicer kids, about "O's' difficulties with other "trouble makers" (which they are well aware of) and has asked them to "help look out for him" as a "favour to him" (the V.P) He has impowered them to "do something" if they see that he is in trouble, and has more or less coached them to be "good citizens and do the right thing" in either letting him know if something is out of hand, or by helping my son more directly. The kids where rather "enthusastic" about it and recieved it well, not like they where told "you have to be nice to the problem child".

The school has found that this type of peer mentoring has helped with children with social issues in the past, and is optomistic, that with adult and peer support, my son may "fit in better".

That said, I don't expect that my son will actually "make" any friends. It would be nice though, if he could move up to more of a "positive relationship with more of a parallel association" level with other people.

I feel like we are diving off the deep end into social skills. I am nervous, scared and feeling good about it all at the same time.

I think with the school, they struggle with seeing that he "is different". He does not do things like "flap his hands or walk on his tip toes", his problems are minor, any ONE issue does not seem like that much of a hurdle or a huge problem in its own. The problem is, they mount together into a considerable difference and problem. And even though the differences are "small" I don't hold much hope that most of them can actually be overcome. It is not my son that needs to do most of the adapting at this point, it is the people around him. He has come about as far as he can, at least for now...

BTW... The principle thinks that my son was given the wrapper as a "safe place" to hid it, but not in a malicous way, more of a "can you cover for me? )