Unable to control my own frustration

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I'm having a difficult time trying to control my frustration at having to constantly walk on eggshells. (For those of you who don't know what that expression means, it is when a person has to be careful of everything they say or do, because another person in the household might start yelling or throwing a tantrum, or threatening to harm themselves.)

Anyway, I try so hard to really "get it" that my 14 year old son has Asperger's and that it causes him to need more down time, but as a single mom it gets really annoying when I don't get any help with anything. Whenever I ask him to do something (which I only do on weekends), he yells at me and tells me to go away and leave him alone. I leave him alone on school days because I understand that he needs to decompress after all of the sensory overload of the school day.

On weekends, he gets obsessed with stuff on his computer and won't do any work for chores or school. At the beginning of the year he was getting good grades, but now he is either failing or barely passing all of his classes. I try to explain to him that he needs my help right now to learn how to organize his time so that he can develop good study skills. He was home schooled before this year, so he hasn't really learned to do work on someone else's time schedule. He also doesn't really care about grades. He doesn't understand or see the long term effects of getting bad grades. He wants to go to MIT and he can't do that if he fails his classes.

I try to remain calm, but it ends up being a shouting match every time I ask him to do anything! I lose my temper because I am so overwhelmed with everything I have to do just to get by. I work 5 part time jobs and go to school full time. I get tempted to just disconnect and let him fail, but then I realize that he really needs my help and I can't give up on him. I just can't stand the fact that it seems as if he is using his Asperger's as an excuse to be lazy. I'm a hard worker and I can't figure out how come this value hasn't transfered to my son. I know that it's not all just laziness. He needs more down time than I do, but how do I balance his needs with my needs and with his needs for the future.

I can't take his computer away because he will go after his sister and torment/hurt her if he doesn't have it. It's like, if I try to discipline him, he takes it out on his sister and everyones life becomes miserable. He seems to need his computer to be sane. I think his sister and I need him to have his computer for us to stay sane.

How do other parents handle the frustration?

Any ideas of how to handle this situation? We live in a rural area with no expert help on Aspergers. I wish I could find a psychologist that knew how to handle Aspie teens, but I've tried and there is no one available in our area.

Hi I'm an aspie not a parent so sorry for intruding. But it sounds like your so is really anxious and that he is working really hard to contain himself. I go through this thing with my mom all the time and it kinda feels like i'm stuck and can't move. Its called Intertia it sounds like your son is going through the same sort of thing. It's difficult but try to use that MIT motivator to try to get him moving. BUT DON'T TAKE AWAY HIS COMPUTER that will just add fuel to the fire. Thats about the worst thing to do at this point. I hope i've kinda help I don't think I'm very good at giving advice but I tried.

I don't think you have a handle on all his deficits. I don't know to what degree he is affected, but some kids are profoundly affected in executive functioning and use their hobbies as an escape from anxiety. If you don't have a lot of support from the school system, it is very unlikely he will succeed in school. He lives in a state of anxiety and if you get emotional, you will not make progress. Household chores should be talked about as just something everone has to do. It is annoying and boring, yes. Necessary, yes. Talk to him about entropy and how one has to apply work to keep things in order.

There should be some type of positive reward system for him when he successfully completes something. AS kids seldom respond to criticism and negative reinforcement.

It is not just a matter of down time, he sees the world in a totally different way. And what he sees, he tries to escape.

I think you need to stop. Just stop, and think, and make a plan to do forward.

What you are doing, is only going to make things worse. I know exactly where you and your son are coming from. I know it as your son, not functioning with time management and basic living skills. I know it as you, as a parent of a child who can’t prioritize, make effective use of time, or function “in the real world” with gasp, “chores”.

It is frustrating! I have been both the child, screaming back at the parent, and the parent, screaming at the child. Maybe I am unique that way?

As the child, I tell you, that is not what I need mom. You continue it, and I am going to have a nervous breakdown and life long physiological issues. It won’t make me function, it may shut me down, I will learn to hate myself, and you in the process. There was a kid on this site who killed themselves last week, because he could not “function”.

As the parent, I can tell you, it is not going to get you anywhere. Your Childs behaviour will only get worse, their anxiety will go through the roof, and they will become increasingly difficult to deal with!

So what do you do? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t right?

What you need to do is stop! And think. I can’t tell you exactly what will work, and what won’t. But, these are things you can consider.

1.) Don’t yell anymore. (Maybe that is the hardest). Walk away, leave the house, but don’t yell. Many children with ASD have sensory problems, the yelling is like a jet engine in their ears. Nothing productive will come out of an angry outburst. Also, it gives them permission to yell back at you.

2.) Tell you son you need his help. Ask what he can do to help you. If he says “nothing”. Then don’t ask anything of him. Again, very hard, but he needs to know, the cycle of yelling and screaming and tantrums on both ends is broken. Every week, ask him, what can he do for you. Every week, walk away. After a month or so, get a little more forceful. Not much, and walk away if it turns ugly. Start asking instead, “can you do this for me?” Make is a small thing, something that should not be very hard. Let him refuse if he does. Walk away. Give it another month. Instead of asking, tell him, “I need to show you how to do something for me, afterwards, I will need you to do it every week for me”. Make is something very small. Maybe just vacuum one room, or clean a toilet (even badly). If he hooks in and refuses, walk away. Write a note, stating that it is not negotiable. He needs to just watch you do it, and “learn”. If he hooks in again and refuses, tell him again, very calmly, or in a note “this is not negotiable. I am working so hard to make a good life for you, you need to give something back, or I am going to cancel the internet, take the computer away, or something else you think is appropriate. He well yell, he will scream, he will try to engage you. Don’t fall for it. Walk away.

He has two options. Start learning the chore and doing it, or loose the target item. Hopefully he will be a little co operative! If not, don’t send mixed messages, do it. Follow threw on the threat. Tell him he can always be asked to be shown again, have company while doing it, or you will give him a reminder. But set boundaries. You are the parent, you need to act like one, and not turn into a tantruming 3 year old with him! (been there, done that).

Hopefully, this will stop the cycle, and reduce his anxiety. But you also need to examine what is stressing him out so much? Is it just time management? Is it deadlines? Is he being bullied? Is he depressed? Is he overloaded. There are probably other things you need to work on too. Maybe he needs to have extensions worked into his school program. Maybe he needs to drop a course, or even two. That is ok at this point.

Maybe MIT will never happen. There are plenty of other good schools, and wonderful jobs out there other then MIT. Maybe that is just shooting too high for what he is emotionally able to handle. It is a guarantee that he is not headed to MIT if you continue down this road though. Choose any path, as long as it is going forward!

I have set boundaries with my son. I expect him to respect me, and work really hard. If he is not going to, then I can’t make him, he knows I will withdraw a lot of my homework support, and he can deal with the school system on his own. Maybe he can paint cars for a living instead. Nothing wrong with that. Lots of people paint cars and have happy lives. If he wants something better for himself, then he needs to meet me ½ way too.

I hope this helps.

Hmm. Well, I would recommend depersonalizing doing chores. I think the personalizing the work as "helping mom" might be part of the problem as we could very well think mom is not helping him. I present it as something that everyone does and my son is very compliant. He may not do the best job, but he makes the effort. AS kids don't have the same drive to "please" as NT kids. I'm not sure if he'll ever get the "work ethic" you take pride in.

His work will come about from his interests and not in doing the right thing. He has very low self-esteem right now. I wouldn't recommend taking his computer away. If the computer didn't come into his life as a reward, you can't make it one after the fact. Think of a different reward such as a new game, CDs or something.

sometimes it feels really good to just scream into a pillow............did you ever have a chore system set up within your house ?

Set up explicit rules for what's acceptable and what's not, but allow him to "debrief" himself after school. Give him about one hour and a snack to get blood sugar back to level. It's enourmously stressing also being in puberty and to at the same time try to get acceptation in school. But also set up straight rules for what's ok to do on weekends, and how much he even tries otherwise, set up a schema for computer time. And give your daughter a key to her room so she can escape and get some free time. But make sure you have instructed your daughter to never leave key in door.

I'm not saying this is going to work for you, but It's absolutely nessecary to have this for my two male kids, they have a TimeTimer and a couple of TimeStock (TimeTimer is like a eggclock with a very visible one hour scale like a pie-chart, timestock is a downcounting device with a LED staple decreasing, we have one 5-10-15-20 minutes and one 15-30-45-60 minutes and a very sharp sound when time's out). It gives a visible and comprehensive time for things.

You don't have to take his computer out or forbid him to use it. You just have to make it clear that he has obligations too. Take it a bit backfiring on him, Say that you had a crap day, so you won't do any dinner until he's cleaned his room, refuse to wash his clothes a couple of times because you have to watch tv. Make it a bit weird for him. He will for sure get puzzled until you explain the thing to him and that you will do it again if he's not helping out. Find what he likes to do, and his skills. Say he's got a positive chance of getting a girlfriend if he learns to cook and do the laundry.

I don't say I'm a master on this, I'm a newbie, but me and my ex can't bend from a decision a fraction of a inch, because we have to have the simple rule that a decision is final. We normaly have a total agree on set decisions. Or else it's chaos time for a couple of weeks. I've only been aware of anything like Asperger for about four months, but according to the special therapeuts, we have working strategies for OUR kids. Not saying the strategies work for yours.

Also another hint when he starts shouting, is to just turn your back to him until he calms down, then turn and ask, "what did you say? I could not hear you". First times, protect your kidneys and expect to get a kick when he gets frustrated for the first minute. This is nasty behaviour from your side, but he must learn "how2".

Remember that a computer only does exactly what the software tells it. Nothing else. It's just as stupid as a box of matches, but the binary total rules of software is something a AS can understand. You do either right or wrong, nothing in between.

I don't understand the idea behind asking Aspie children to do chores. I don't do chores, and I'm fine. I'm 25 years old with Asperger's Syndrome. Your son has spent their entire week, against his will, going to a place which he dislikes. You want to then, crowd up what very little free time he has, with chores and schoolwork.

Also the whole, "He gets obessed with the computer on the weekend" thing. Hello, you have an Aspie son, that means most likely he'll be a computer geek. The fact your son is "obssessed" with the computer shouldn't surprise you, nor should it be something you need to force him away from. It's a hobby. It's not a NT hobby, which is why the media is so down on it. So willing to tell parents if your child plays too many video games, or spends too much time in front of a computer something is wrong with them. All it is, is more media spin on saying unless your child is social 24/7, they are a problem.

I understand you are a single mom, and I understand you work a-lot. However, you need to try and see things from your son's perspective. Which is a perspective I can personally identify with. Here's what he is thinking. "I go to school all week, I don't want to. I am miserable there, I learn nothing, because all the school is concerned with is how social you are. School is boring, because the lessons are beneath me/busywork and/or involve some level of social finess which I don't have."

"Now I have the weekend which is THE ONLY TIME, I have to do what I want. My mom is telling me do chores, do schoolwork. I've been doing schoolwork all week long! I have no time, I understand my mom has to work. School is work too. Maybe if I was paid for the work and suffering I have to endure from going to school, things would be easier, huh? Yeah, at least when you go some place that makes you miserable, you're paid for the time."

"I have no control over my life, now I'm being told what to do again. I have absolutely no control over everything, except SIng. It's the only way I can cope, can't you see it's a cry for help. It's not me being a brat, it's me saying my life is no longer my own. You try going to a place where everyday you are failing, because you cannot be what they want. I cannot be social, and I can do the work, but that doesn't get grades. Having alot of friends is what gets you grades. It's all a waste of time."

That is what I went through, all the time I was in public school. I'm sure it is worse for your son, since he also has the pressure of having to help you as well. I don't want to sound like I am gult tripping you. I am just saying, try to see it from his perspective. Also, and this will sound harsh, realize that you brought a human being into this world. Yes you have no help, ok. Your son didn't choose to be born, and therfore you don't have the right to decide his life should be in servitude of you.

Now I know what you will say, "But it's only a few chores!". You are not dealing with a NT person here. You are dealing with someone who is easily overwhelmed. Think for a minute, having chores lined up might seem overwhelming to your son. On top of everything I mentioned above. I am taking Zoloft now, and I have a diagnoses of PTSD. Maybe home schooling is the answer, I don't know. I'm imagining him being in school must be hell for him, seeing how he comes home so out of things. It just seems to an Aspie when you talk about going to school, and having a weekend full of chores, schoolwork. Like they really have no control over anything. That the thought itself could be enough for a meltdown.

I hope you figure out something that works out. I think maybe just asking your son to do small things once in awhile, will be ok. Demanding he does chores, to an Aspie, not only is overwhelming. To them the person yelling at them looks highly irrational, and illogical. So it's like they are staring at you going, "It's a few chores why are you yelling at me. Why are you treating me like some sort of slave? I am a human being, why should I have to suffer this treatment!". You see us Aspies over-rationalize EVERYTHING. So where a NT kid would be like, "Ok I'll just get it over with". An Aspie might, look from it from a much deeper perspective, even one that seems rather irrational over what would be a small issue for an NT.

I hope I've helped, I tend to get carried away when it comes to the subject of Aspies and public school. Since I went through hell during my years of public school, and it seriously made me depressed. I see alot of similar issues going on with other Aspies, like your son. I want to try and explain the unending stress that is involved with school, and schoolwork. Also the feeling that no matter how well you do your work, the student who is the teacher's pet, or the popular student will get an A with no effort, and the injustice of that.

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. I do think that the biggest issue is anxiety. He does take an anti-anxiety medication, but maybe it's not working as well lately.

Violet-Yoshi, I really enjoyed your point of view. I know that I have to remember that he is an Aspie, but I don't believe that it is doing either of us any good to eliminate the household chores. I truly don't have time to do everything that needs to be done around here. It just makes me crankier. I'm a person with needs too. I know that kids don't usually think of those things, but I can't handle coming home to a stinky house because no one has even rinsed the food off of the plates from dinner. I try to sit down on the sofa to relax, but I have to clean all of the bags of chips, paper plates trash and stuff off of it before I can even sit. Yes, I brought him into the world, but I didn't plan on being a single mom with no child support. His father is (I believe) an undiagnosed Aspie that got overwhelmed and walked away. His dad was responsible and had a good paying job for 20 years of marriage and then poof everything in our lives changed. My son will need to learn to take care of himself one day if he is ever to be an independent adult. You say that you don't do chores and you are fine. Who does your laundry? Who cooks your food? Who cleans your dishes? Who takes out your trash? I look at this stuff as life skills he will need to have one day as an adult. Doing it all for him isn't doing him any favors. I also give my son Saturday to himself. I only ask for help on Sundays. His jobs are to take out the trash, put his laundry down the laundry chute and pick up the family room (which usually contains only his mess in there). During the winter, he is supposed to shovel the drive and during the summer he is supposed to mow the lawn. I don't even ask him to clean his room. You can't walk through there, but I figure it's his space and he can live like that if he wishes. I would love for him to do his own laundry, but we tried that and he just wore the same clothes day after day. Doing dishes is overwhelming to him for sensory reasons and the vacuum hurts his ears, so I don't think I'm being unreasonable. He is 14 years old and only has a little over 3 years before he (hopefully) graduates from high school.



Earth Calling - Thank you. I have signs up all over my house giving me the same advice that you gave (I need visual reminders), it is just difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. I can see that he is stressed, and it is probably best to just leave him alone for now. But I am concerned about him failing his classes. It is something that will be very difficult for him to recover from. I have been trying to set boundaries and I was walking away when I started to become stressed from the interaction, but it's mainly the school thing that is getting to me now. How can I keep walking away and letting him fail when I can see the long term consequences and he can't? He doesn't see the connection between spending a little bit of time working at home and managing to pass his classes or doing nothing and failing them. Time management seems to be the biggest issue. He is actually making friends at school and I think that it is taking so much effort to maintain his friendships that he can't figure out how to get the time he needs to decompress and get his school work done. I tried to get an IEP for him to get extra help with organization, but the semester grades they looked at were good, his IQ was too high, and they didn't consider him impaired enough for an AI designation. He has a 504 that says that he needs help with organization, but there is no one designated to do this with him. It falls on me to help him with this, but he doesn't want my help. He sees my trying to help him as a lack of faith in his ability to cope. He thinks that I am constantly criticizing him and telling him that he is not good enough. In my mind, this is not what I am doing. I am trying to help him get moving and get things done. I am showing him how to figure out which assignment will make the most impact on his grade so that he can pass his classes. I know that this dynamic is not good, but I don't have anyone else to help me. I have been to the school numerous times, but I never seem to get anywhere.

I am going to spend some time today to try to figure out what to do, but my gut instinct is to just leave him alone and let him try to handle things on his own. I suppose I can pull him back home as a homeschooler next year if he fails 9th grade, but I won't be home to help him because I have finished enough school to be employable in my field at the end of this month. I don't believe that he will do anything on his own if he is home alone as a homeschooler. I also think he will miss his new-found social life. He doesn't want to be homeschooled anymore. But do I really have a choice? I can't see us keeping on with this cycle of insanity any more. It is too hurtful for both of us.

It isn’t “probably” best, it is crucial! You are headed nowhere but a nervous breakdown, (both him and you) if you continue down this road!

If all you ask for, is help on Sundays, then have him do stuff “with you” Like you would a 4 year old. Stay calm, set boundaries. Ask him to “help do the dishes with you”. Ask him to keep you company while you fold laundry. (folding could be hard) But you could probably while doing it, get him to do small stuff, like bring the basket to his room. Babysteps. The goal of any Sunday is to prevent a melt down, not have him come to an epiphany about needing to learn basic skills, or you needing help. Just, prevent the cycle from initiating! That is all for now. If he can’t do these simple things, tell him that the computer will go away, because he has to meet you half way. If he ignores you, then do it. Not while he is in the house though! He may have mini melts with you on Sunday, get overwhelmed, run away, then come back. That is common too. Let him back off, and return. Give him mini cool downs. The most important thing, is don’t engage into his BS!

As for his classes, is he behind? If he isn’t, I would let him fail. Sit down with him, tell him point blank, you are going to fail, are you ok with that? If he says yes, then ask point blank, you know you are not going to get into MIT if you fail 9th grade right? See if that shakes him up. Honestly though, I don’t see him headed to MIT. I don’t know much about the school, or the US system, but I think top of the line universities look at more then the academics. They look at the “whole picture” and other activities out side of school that the kids are doing. If he can’t even make a sandwich without melting down, I don’t think he stands much of chance getting in, or keeping up with their “program”.

This may sound harsh, only you can know for sure, I am a stranger afterall. My son wants to be a pilot. I don’t think that is realistic. I am putting him into air cadets, and a few other things to support him, but I don’t throw the career path in his face, “you will never be a pilot if you don’t do this…” Because in the end, I don’t want him to feel like he “failed”. It isn’t about that. It is about setting realistic goals. Likewise, the school tired to suggest streaming him for entrance to a bottom of barrel high school meant for the kids who can’t survive a regular school. All the courses are simplified, and other stuff, graduates can’t even go to a community college! It is straight school to work. I told them where to stuff it! They just want to make their job easier! Ha! If my son is willing to do the work, we will shoot for a regular school, he is “smart” enough for it.

I would suggest getting on the schools case. Show them that you are very worried with the direction his marks have taken. Ask if the School board has an autistic consultant, and ask them to come to the meeting. Yes, his IQ is high, his emotional IQ and social skills are low. Show them how low SK’s, can prevent learning in the class. It isn’t just how you interact with your peers, it is also how you learn and retain information! Maybe you can get them to make some more accommodations, and make sure they “stick” to them. I don’t know what your son needs, but I am sure you do! Demand it! Get in their face, and keep escalating until someone listens. May be time to go straight to the Principle now.

Can he drop a course? Often you can make those up later, like summer school... I know it is grade 9, and they usually don't allow it, but if he is Identified with Asperger's, it is a realistic accomidation! That may reduce his stress...

Good luck!

Can you offer up an allowance for doing his "jobs" (school, homework, self-care, cleaning his room, picking up after himself, etc.)? I would work on those things first and then later offer a bonus in his allowance for any extra chores he does, letting him choose the one(s) he wants to do from the list. Write out what needs to be done so he can see how much work there really is and let him choose one or two. If he does them, he gets a bonus for the week.

Money was a great motivator for my son. The basics are an absolute necessity though. If he doesn't shower, brush his teeth, do his homework - he loses his allowance or part of his allowance for the week. We wrote down a list of his jobs (including the basics) as a reminder and put it where he'll see it everyday (the refrigerator).

If you son has an Asperger's diagnosis, he qualifies under Section 504 and IDEA for a "free and appropriate public education." You can get rid of the homework. IQ has nothing to do with. My son has a verbal IQ of 142 and at 14, he had an inclusion aide in school. He couldn't manage to get himself to class. He's 19 and we're still working on getting places on time, doing his laundry and so forth.

You can't let the school system dictate terms for you son. Demand accomodations. You also need measureable, objective goals and from what you described, he is getting absolutely nothing in the way of any goal or accomodation.

I would recommend the Wrightslaw books on special education law and advocacy:

http://www.wrightslaw.com/

Most states have a disability advocacy organization willing to help for free.

i've had a continuing struggle with getting my aspies to complete household chores on a regular basis...i've tried just about everything~ from telling them they can't go out until their chores are done ,to rewarding ,to begging.........i really think they don't see the mess like i do. i look around and see the dirty dishes, the empty soda cans, the couch cushions falling off, the dust, the dirt.....they just don't seem to see it.
the system i've had the most success with is a wipe-off calendar. i sat down the entire family ( 2 NTs, 3 Aspies) and had a family meeting. i told them that the unkempt house really bothered me~that i was embarassed and felt overwhelmed with the amount of work it takes to keep up with chores and a Full time job. I then proceeded to tell them that all of us would be expected to spend 15 minutes a night cleaning a specific room. i had pre-determined what rooms i felt were the most significant, and had color-coded charts for each room that listed exactly what had to be done in each room. i broke the family up into teams, so that every night 2 people would clean together in a team and 1 person would clean their designated room alone ( i always saved the easiest room for the person who'd have to clean alone). the cleaning schedule would rotate throughout the week so , for instance, i wouldn't be stuck cleaning the kitchen every night.
this difficult schedule is posted on the wipe-off calendar in my kitchen. when i enforce it, it works. when i don't enforce it, it doesn't work.
somedays are just exhausting.

Just wanted to quickly add, that I too have discovered that taking away the computer is a bad idea and just makes things worse. I do take away TV and other things, and might limit a bit what he can do on the computer, but he needs the computer to stay calm and to be able to communicate. Taking a computer away from an autistic is like taking a wheelchair away from a paralytic.

Ok then.

My son is only just getting “into it”. I suppose he is not fully dependant on his “wheelchair” yet. I’ll keep that in mind for the future too.

Still though, how do you limit a 16 year old who has the computer in full possession? I can only imagine the fits that could break out over that… Do you cut the internet? Remove programs? Restrict time spent?

This is a description of a how2do that is partly sarcastic and ment to be a source of laughs.

First, make sure the network switch has a strong password on the console port. Never EVER leave your laptop and the console cable unprotected, whear it on your shoulder all the time.

Second, Put your xDSL router in maintenance mode and lock it to only accept the switch MAC.

Third, have a list of the childrens computers MAC adresses so you at free will can lock them in or out and a easy GUI for your ex to control internet access... if they try to mock with my equipment a SNMP alarm is sent to me and they can only prepare for a calm explanation in the phone.

Fourth, have a modchip in the xbox allowing you to set a password with good security.

Fifth, have a LOCK on the door where the routers and switches are kept, because a 8y kid with a urge to get out on the net can make ANY professional network administrator grey haired, and ESPECIALLY if they are authistic in any form. I just must admit that I'm the same. I can memorize a four keystroke PIN without even watching directly when typed.


This kid is 8y and has no problem with this, he doesn't understand some of the things but has unfortunately been noticing me and learned how to do things. Then I have his two year younger brother, loving to cook, so If you say to him prepare a meal for all of you kids and mom, he does it. My daughter though can barely make a cup of tea