My college age son is desperate for friends

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I am desperately worried about my 20-year-old son and am hoping someone can refer me to some resources. My son has always been socially “different.” He’s never had a good friend. Years ago when he was treated for ADHD I asked his psychiatrist if he thought my son has Asperger’s syndrome, because he possessed all but two on the list of typical symptoms. The doctor said no, but over the years I have become more convinced that this is what my son struggles with. Anyway, he is away at a four-year college. Last night he told people at the restaurant where he works as a waiter that he was leaving his job (he found another), and he said that every fellow employee came up to him and said they were glad he was leaving, that they couldn’t stand him. The night before, he had called two acquaintances to ask to “hang out,” and both blew him off. He called me at 1 a.m. following the restaurant incident, crying so hard I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. He was threatening to kill himself. I talked him through this for an hour and a half. He is in so much pain and feels so rejected. He knows he needs to learn social skills. Can anyone recommend some materials tailored for the sufferer? I’ve seen several things tailored for children and for teachers, but nothing for adults. A video/DVD would be ideal for him, as he struggles with reading. As in the past, I have told him to go to the university counseling center for some support. I pray that this time he will do it, as I know he needs counseling as well as practical help. If anyone reading this has help to offer, I would be most grateful.

My heart is breaking for him and you. That is a very difficult situation to be in. I had a lot of problems socially, and had an impossible time finding friends, but most people where more "passively" not liking me, if I left a job, no one would shed a tear, but they would not think of coming up and telling me what a jerk they thought I was and state how much they hate me.

I would suggest, as a start, perhaps you could contact the manager of this establishment, looking for some constructive reasoning as to why your son had difficulties. Just state "my son who recently worked for you had problems relating to others, and upon leaving, everyone told him they where glad because they could not stand him. This was very distressful for him, he is very depressed and is contemplating suicide. I am wondering if we could get some examples as to what he did that upset people so much, as he truely is not aware. Hopefully some constructive critisism may help him learn how to alter his social behaviors and avoid such mistakes in the future. Please contact me directly, as he is very embarassed about this!"

I hope someone has a good social skills book for adults to recommend. Honestly I think your son just needs to find his "niche" in life. Perhaps posting on a board like this would be good for him, not only will he meet people he can relate to, but he can discuss problems he has and get some feedback from people who have been there and done that.

Thank you so much for taking time to write me the suggestion about contacting the manager. My son would probably be very angry at me for doing that, but it might be a good way to get invaluable feedback. I'm going to mull that over. I am planning to encourage him to join a message board, too. Also a great idea. Your compassion means a lot to me.

Hi
Here is my experience, I think your son may be in a similar position.
I am twentyone. I have worked at restaurants as a waiter, and I can tell you, they are for me severely stressful places amd exacerbate my social problems. If I am in a situation where I am in control and without an overloaod of stimulus coming from all areas, I am decent with people and a likeable person. I have made many friends in situations like that. But in a restaurant, my brain is so overloaded I tend to shut down. I am trying so hard to follow orders and requests for drinks and people everywhere that I cannot function socially with people properly. I hate it because I want to tell them, this is not what I am really like, I'm an easy going person with a great sense of humor, but at the restaurant I am awkward and bad with people.

Perhaps your son needs to get involved with a club or something for people with similar interests that is laid back and uncluttered with stimulus. I don't know what your sons social skills are like--mine are very good in non-stressful situations. But if your sons are real bad, perhaps he needs to be aware of his AS and get people to talk with him about it.

Or how about this---a book on human behavior. There are many books that describe how to read body language and interact with people---they are made for normal people to maximize their social potential. One great book I read was "Conversationally Speaking", its about how to talk with people and make conversation. look it up on Amazon. My NT brother bought it and he loved it, I read it and it helped me immensely.

Hi,

I have AS and didn't really make any genuine friends until I started University when I was 21 - and even then I didn't speak to anyone for nearly a year - it took that long for me to gain the confidence and to develop my social abilities before I could contemplate approaching someone and starting a conversation of some kind with them.

I really feel for you both - I suffered from depression because of feeling so isolated and because I couldn't understand why no-one wanted me.

What helped me was

1) Having one-to-one drama / acting lessons. I actually did this because I was interested in acting at the time, but it really helped because my drama teacher had literally to teach me how to 'act' NT convincingly - this included body language and tones of voice and understanding and using gesticulations. It was really helpful as it enabled me to gain a better understanding of NT behaviour and some non-verbal communication. It also helped my confidence and helped with some mild speech problems that I had been experiencing since I first started to speak.

2) Reading 'general' books about psychology. I actually did this after I was diagnosed with depression in an attempt to understand 'myself' and to see if I could find ways to manage or relieve my depression. The books didn't really help with this because they are designed for NTs so didn't relate to the way I think. However, reading these books (and reading some books about acting too) did help me gain a good, if theoretical, understanding of NTs and how they think and how they express themselves and how different feelings and emotions manifest in the average NT.
Whilst this is not the 'ideal' way to learn, it really did help me to gain a good basic understanding.

3) Try to find the right people to be friends with - now I know this is a difficult suggestion to follow, and probably sounds like a stupid thing to say, but I found that when I had tried unsuccessfully to make friends in the past, I had been aiming for the really popular people, becuase I thought that if they were popular, they must be a really nice person, otherwise why would so many people like them? I also thought that by befriending 1 popular person, I would automatically gain entry to their large circle of friends.
After years I realised I was wrong. What I hadn't seen before is that popular people play a 'game' - popularity is not necessarily directly proportional to whether or not one is a good person! This might be obvious to some people, but was not obvious to me and may also not be obvious to some other aspies.

The people who I formed friendships with, and who I am still friends with 5 years on, were other people who were on the 'outside' of the majority for whatever reasons - e.g. they were a 'mature' student, they were from another country, they had AS or other health / disability issues too etc.

The other main 'type' of people I have become friends with are very 'deep thinking' individuals- I guess because I tend to think about things in a quite analytical and logical way, so such individuals tend to appreciate that I think in this manner. I also find that these people (in my experience) tend to be good at considering other points of view and are very keen to have good morals and be good people - to the extent that they can beat themselves up over relatively minor things.

This helps because I can 'beat myself up' too, so me and these friends can help each other through it. Also, the fact that they see things from other viewpoints means that they can understand why I am sensitive to certain things and why I find certain types of jokes and behaviour hurtful (e.g. practical jokes) whereas many other people don't understand or care that I am sensitive to these things. In fact, some people are quite cruel and use this fact to play mean jokes on me and upset me.



Well, this is just my experience. I wish you both the best and hope that my experiences may be of some help.

Would it be possible for him to network with other people who have Asperger's? Is there a local support group or something?

I feel for you and your son.


I suggest you send him to this web site. We're ready to be his friends and help him all we can.

I intend to do exactly that - and thank you all!

I am curious as to what behaviors alienated so many people? Can't really analyze anything without knowing the facts.

It may be a case of looking for love in all the wrong places. It is typically the environment that causes aspies to flounder.

As a mother of two sons with Aspergers, I REALLY understand how you feel, and your post just breaks my heart.

I think that girl7000 gives GREAT advice for your son.

And, like Apatura, I think it would be great for your son to get into an twenty-something Aspergers support group. Other suggestions about making friends with other people who are on the "fringe" is a good one. My sons seem to both gravitate towards young men whose background is from other countries.

If your son is at all interested in music, and plays an instrument, he may be able to get into a band of some sort. Or he may just be able to find something in common with other musicians/people interested in music.

My youngest son is really enjoying acting lessons -- I am just finding out how often acting lessons are helpful to people with Aspergers. That's another possibility. Also, people in theatre groups tend to be very accepting of those who are "different".

Please keep us posted on his experiences. We all want to hear that he is doing better.

Kris

I told my husband about the trouble your son has. One thing he thought of immediately is, is your son sure that it really was "everyone" and not a select few? He pointed out that our son has a way of hearing feedback from a few people, and proclaiming it is "everyone". For example, "everyone is going to the dance with a partner". When we enquire at the school why so many 5th and 6th graders are dating, we are informed that that it certainly is not "everyone". This sort of thing happens all the time, a couple of people become "everyone".

Another thing is, sometimes things can be said in a joking or teasing way, but the aspie takes it very literally. So, someone says "good, I'm glad your leaving you jerk", and they take it at face value, when really it may not be meant to take it that way. Now I am not suggesting they are his "friends" but still, things in the aspie head do tend to get blown out of proportion.

I know it is a hard thing for him to deal with, but it happens to all of us at some point, and even a fair shares of NT's. I agree that restaurant environments are really not the most suitable place for an Aspie.

As for talking to his boss / management, my mom did the same thing with me when I was 20. I had a job that I really loved, and all of a sudden, the boss went from telling me at 2:00 that I was doing "a great job and to keep it up" to having his assistant manager give me a letter at closing that detailed my performance as being substandard and threatening me with termination if I did not "shape up". The infractions he noted, included things like the one and only time I was late, (2 minutes) for a shift I actually was not schedualed for in advance. I was late because I needed better shoes after pulling 11 shifts in a row and my feet feeling like they where going to fall off! Anyway, I quit, but felt like a total looser and really wanted to "take it back" and "beg for my job back". My mother went to talk to the assistant manager, who said she really liked me, and basically confirmed that the boss was an ass. It is a long melodramatic story, but what I got out of it in the end, was that the problems where not mine, they where the owners. Who seemed to like hiring and taking advantage of attractive 20 year old girls. He would write them up every 6 months or so to avoid giving them raises as strong performers where entitled to under franchise rules. *sigh*.

Anyway, best of luck and don't dispair, things should get better from here on in. The ages of 12 to 22 tend to be the hardest on an Aspie, if you can get him through the next couple of years, things should turn around.

i would contact the university counseling center yourself with your concerns....it is important that they know that your son is struggling. perhaps they can reach out to him and get him the help he needs before it turns ugly

Go to the national autism society website and find your local chapter. Email them and start networking. They will know if there are adult autistic groups in your area. A lot of times the groups are not publicized but there are many of them out there. If they don't have an adult group go to the general autism meetings and network with other parents and yes sometimes adult autistics will turn up at those meetings. That's how you find others. Believe me that's how it works. Also start looking out for people on this board in your state. I know about 14 Aspies in my area now and a year ago knew no one. If you start looking and keep looking you will find others. Get your son to help in the search.

I am going to start a post in the Members Only section to try to help people to find each other.