25 Apr 2007, 8:01 pm
Tonight at karate, another mom sitting next to me looked at my son (who is constantly in motion) and said "I'm glad I'm not Dylan's mom." I was sitting right next to her and she didn't make eye contact-just made a statement. I looked at her and said "I am Dylan's mom." She said she knew and that she didn't know how I had the energy to keep up with him.
I am not sure she meant to be hurtful, but the way she said it sure hurt. I know he is a busy child, I know that he doesn't listen well and that he probably seems unruly and unmanageable to others that don't know that he is an Aspie. I don't feel like I should have to explain him to everyone I meet.
I am a nurse, I see lots of hurt and sick children everyday. I have seen parents that ignore or hurt their children, we all can spot those parents a mile away. And then I see the average parent, the ones that are doing all they can to hold it together, the ones doing the best they can. I am the average parent. I engage my child, I encourage my child, I correct my child, and I am also learning what he can and cannot control in regards to his behavior.
I won't say that I have never judged another person, I have. But I do think long and hard before I speak and I try really hard not to offend or criticise someone that I do not even know. You never know what is really going on in someones life.
What that mother doesn't know is that Dylan loves to cuddle and hug; he is really smart; he is funny and imaginative; he LOVES his baby sister; he's stubborn; he is doing remarkably well in karate for a kid with low muscle tone; he can't write his name because he has poor fine motor skills.
I AM glad I am Dylan's mom.
25 Apr 2007, 8:10 pm
Good for you!
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25 Apr 2007, 9:09 pm
Maybe the woman has asperger's! 
25 Apr 2007, 9:42 pm
Don't insult aspies!
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sinsboldly
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26 Apr 2007, 2:12 am
Perhaps you could think through your statements before you just toss them out there? Perhaps you don't mean to disparage people with ASD by using it as a put down for others.
Perhaps I took it wrong, and if so, I would really like to know if I did.
Merle
26 Apr 2007, 3:15 am
If she had said,
"wow, Dylan has so much energy and is so active, I wouldn't be able to keep up!
"
it would be sort of a compliment.
It may have been meant that way, just trying to make conversation.
26 Apr 2007, 5:27 am
26 Apr 2007, 7:34 am
26 Apr 2007, 11:48 am
26 Apr 2007, 11:59 am
26 Apr 2007, 12:05 pm
You know - I think I'm different than a lot of you, because I don't take stuff like that personally. My son IS a lot of work, he IS a huge ball of energy, and sometimes - it's HARD! 
I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it other than to start conversation. I also feel like I do need to explain my sons behavior at times, because let's just face it - to an NT, it IS different. So what? Different doesn't mean "Bad"...it means DIFFERENT. To pretend that it's not different for my son to look down at the ground, not say a word to anyone (even people he considers friends), or for him to suddenly decide that he has to get up from the table and run around (because, as he says "I have energy - I need to run!") - well, that's just not me. I'd rather just be honest about it, that yeah - he has different ways of dealing with situations and things and here's why...., than have to just pretend I don't see it and that it's perfectly normal and that all kids do it. Sure, it's normal for him. It's even normal for me as his mom....but to other people, it's not, and I get that. I find that in my own situation here, when I tell people what it's all about, they are number one: very interested (which I like because it's an opportunity for education), and number two: they start to GET my son. Both things are very helpful.
I don't know - I think I'd take an opportunity like that, where a mom says something to you - and use it as a chance to open up the lines of communication. Personally I think that every person I'm able to talk to and educate about Aspergers or ASD in general is one more person to help spread the word that the NT way isn't necessarily always the "right" way or the best way. *shrugs*
26 Apr 2007, 12:43 pm
26 Apr 2007, 12:46 pm
I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it other than to start conversation. I also feel like I do need to explain my sons behavior at times, because let's just face it - to an NT, it IS different. So what? Different doesn't mean "Bad"...it means DIFFERENT. To pretend that it's not different for my son to look down at the ground, not say a word to anyone (even people he considers friends), or for him to suddenly decide that he has to get up from the table and run around (because, as he says "I have energy - I need to run!") - well, that's just not me. I'd rather just be honest about it, that yeah - he has different ways of dealing with situations and things and here's why...., than have to just pretend I don't see it and that it's perfectly normal and that all kids do it. Sure, it's normal for him. It's even normal for me as his mom....but to other people, it's not, and I get that. I find that in my own situation here, when I tell people what it's all about, they are number one: very interested (which I like because it's an opportunity for education), and number two: they start to GET my son. Both things are very helpful. I don't know - I think I'd take an opportunity like that, where a mom says something to you - and use it as a chance to open up the lines of communication. Personally I think that every person I'm able to talk to and educate about Aspergers or ASD in general is one more person to help spread the word that the NT way isn't necessarily always the "right" way or the best way. *shrugs*
I think it is important to be careful as your child gets older, as to who you let in on the ASD status of your child. I could see telling a mom in a situation like Karate, turning into the mom or a bystander not understanding, and telling her child to stay away from your child. Or, her child hears it, and then through the grapevine, news travels to all sorts of other people, the understanding and true explaination being lost in every translation.
It is a hard call to make, who to tell and who not to tell, I think it also has to do with the outward signs your child shows. If they are walking on tip toes and hand flapping, then yes, explaining it is probably going to be your best option. If the person is a scout leader, or teacher or other youth group leader, you will probably have to tell. A friend or family member, a best friends mother, yes, if they are going to be spending a lot of time with your child, probably best to tell them. Fellow mom in a sporting activity, probably not so important. Otherwise, why don't you just put a sign on the kids back saying " I throw tempertantrums because I have Autism".
SeriousGirl
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26 Apr 2007, 1:02 pm
Whatever happend to "mind your own business," and "don't say aything unless you can say something nice?"
These 2 rules would have prevented me from making such a comment. I think NTs have very poor social skilss. 
26 Apr 2007, 1:41 pm
When I was pregnant with Dylan, my only hope is that he would be healthy and succeed in life. He will succeed in life, but I can honestly say my other hope was that he would be a "normal" kid. I now question what normal is, I would not change my son for the world. You play the hand you are dealt- I am sure if the tables were turned, that mom would also be glad Dylan was her son and she would be just as hurt by the statement she made.
I did not see your post, maybe we posted at the same time.
All I can say, is she is a jerk. She made a very poor judgement in the words that she used. She sounds like she is not very socially skilled herself, for any number of reasons, we don't know why, at the end of the day who cares!
Just be happy, at the end of the day, you took Dylan home, and not her!
People are going to say things, they are going to be rude and nasty at times, there really is not much you can do about that. What you can do, is choose to ignore them, give your kids an extra hug and kiss, and move on.
As for being happy with a child that is healthy and will succeed in life, those are great goals. Again, she apparently wants "more" from her kids, and 200 years from now, would have special ordered her "designer baby" with all the newest and coolest features children will come with. What does this mean to you? It should not mean anything, she is an abhorant woman, and you don't have to be friends with her, you are not family with her, you don't work with her. Life moves on, shake your head, walk away, any parent with an ASD child, has their own crap to work out, they don't need to be worrying about other peoples baggage too!
30 Apr 2007, 5:45 am
