Social Problems for my 21 y/o aspie son. Any suggestions?

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I am lost at this point. My son was not diagnosed with Asperger's until he was 16. He is miserable because he has no friends. He has attempted to make friends online, but he has been attracted to people who take advantage of him or who are troubled themselves. He also has a porn addiction and attraction to vampire, wiccan, and other websites attractive to troubled people.

He flunked out of tech school because he was unwilling to do the work. He cannot drive because of his inability to handle stress. I have tried to promote independence by teaching him how to ride the bus, but one time (that I know of) he decided to buy some wine coolers and hang out of a tree. I signed him up for Taekwondo and he was able to walk to the school and attended 6 days a week. He was expelled from the school because he was e-mailing an 11 year old girl after telling her that he was an instructor and wanted to help her learn faster. He has had trouble staying away from girls under the age of 18, but usually they are around 17. Socially, he is around age 13, but intellectually he is very advanced.

He is now taking online classes. He won't stay on task unless I am standing over him. That was the problem in the tech school. His father died this past January and his behavior has gotten worse. I don't want to give up on him and place him in a group home, even if I could find one. I am feeling very overwhelmed. We volunteer at a small autism center nearby and they are working with my son, but they are lost too. He has no motivation to get better, but I won't live forever. My feeling was that he would mature socially as he got older and that maybe by the time he finished college, he might be able to live somewhat independently. That has been my "plan".

So at this point he cannot get online because he meets "misfits" in our community and gets involved with people who take advantage of him as well as supply him with drugs. He takes the drugs to fit in with these "friends". He cannot socialize with people in person because of inappropriate behavior. BTW, I tried an online security program, actually more than one, and he deactivates it in no time. That is one of his strengths - computers. Any suggestions?
Melinda

wow...I think you should get him some councelling...

wicca isnt a bad thing mind you-its a peaceful religion that teaches good (although some bad apples make it bad) but that's not the subject here

Thanks Kilroy. He already receives counseling and mentoring. He is having so much trouble with impulse control. I would love to find a "program" that isn't super expensive where he could get the social skills training he never received as well as life skills he needs. Anyone know of one of these? We live in Tennessee.

hmmm well I've always been shy and rather friendless though have had to conqure this myself as my parents don't see aspergers as a real problem just something I will get over...its hard and it's good to see your helping him

My input is not neccessary here.
So good luck!

Last edited by Ghosthunter on 30 Apr 2007, 2:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.

My son is not an alcoholic or drug addict. He is attracted to people who are because they accept him and also look at him as a potential source to take advantage of. I have another son who is an addict, so I have seen these interactions.

My son is not ret*d. It would be easier if he was because I could just give up and not be concerned about him living up to his potential.

He has extremely high anxiety and is unable to make decisions quickly, so driving would be hard for him.

I am not insulting Wiccans. My daughter-in-law is a Wiccan and I respect it as a religion. My son doesn't go to their websites for religion. He goes there looking for acceptance and company. He does the same with the vampire websites. He is willing to try anything to feel accepted and find friends.

To me, a porn addiction is when porn consumes your life, your time, and your thoughts. I think at that point it goes past a "normal teenage preoccupation." I think my son's attempts at hooking up with any female that will look at him is also a by-product of this obsession.

My son was misdiagnosed as a child when he was in Kindergarten. He was diagnosed as ADD. Asperger's wasn't diagnosed in the US then.

i was on ridilin until I was 12...my parents just assumed I had ADD because I was hyper and didn't care about school
I was hyper because I was an energetic happy kid and had aspergers...so i know that whole living with something you don't have thing

group homes are not always a bad thing....in some cases, they can be a great change for someone struggling at home. it sounds to me like a group home might be a good thing for your son~ in a good group home, they'll work with him on life skills and social skills......i'd focus on finding a good group home~one that focuses on transitioning him to living on his own.

Any suggestions on where do find a good group home that is not just a babysitter?

I can't help you with this one.

I am going to speak to you from experiance as a 21 year old who lost her father only 18 months before, and as the mother I am now, although my son is 12.

He is in a really really really tough spot. I can fully understand your position, and being scared, and worried and concerned about his future and his current lifestyle. Some of the things he is doing could wind him up in very serious trouble. However, just being 21, not ready for adulthood, with his father recently is probably just too much for him to deal with.

Honestly though, I think you need to give him a year with little pressure, however he needs to make sure that he does not break the "cardinal rules". Those being do drugs or hang out with kids under 18. In the interm, you should look to try and hook him up to his "interests" and see if he can get lost in exploring those, as he does need something to do, idle hands make for trouble at this age.

A lot of kids at 21 flounder a lot. It is a really hard age, as you are transitioning from being a child into an adult. As you said, mentally he is still a child. When he goes after teen girls, he does not understand that it is wrong, as he is actually 'at there level". Just the same, if for the only thing he needs to understand, is going after them is going to wind himself up in Jail.

Again, if you can find a group home, that may be a good option too, as I have a feeling he is probably at a point where he is no longer willing to listen to "mom".

Also, I would look into some sort of therapy or psychiatric evaluation for him. It sounds like he may do will on some sort of medication. I know my 12 year old takes Strattera, and it has helped a lot with allowing him to join "the real world". He is much more motiviated and suffers from much less anxiety. It isn't a miricle drug for us, but he does seem able to complete more tasks.

Best of luck.

I don't think group homes will take Aspergers people. Generally that is reserved for Auties only. Being around such people will actually make your son act worse not better.

Several things here- first Aspies mature later and guys in general take longer to mature. He will not be an adult in Aspie terms till mid-30's from my own experience and what I have heard from others. Temple Grandin states she didn't start maturing till 31. The average NT young person really is not adult until age 25 as the neurons in the brain still are forming connections until 25.

I studied Tae Kwon Do and there was a 30-something guy who we were told was mentally ret*d though he may have been an Aspie as he could speak well. He would come on to every female there from young teens to women in their 20's. Basically any female that would give him time of day attracted his attention. He couldn't make that distinction that just because someone speaks to you does not mean they want to have sex with you. A lot of NT guys have trouble with that distinction too! The reason a guy such as your son approaches a young girl is because girls that age will feel sorry and be nice to him and if he says something a wee bit inappropriate they will not tell him off just politely ignore him. Since he is getting attention from them he sees them as approachable whereas a woman in her 20's is not approachable and would tell him to go take a hike if he said something off color to her.

He needs to be around people his age to learn appropriate social interaction. Do you have a church you can belong to with a young people's group? They will be more likely to accept him and let him tag along. If he can't make friends yet he needs a group that will let him tag along and get practice socializing.

You say your son is getting therapy but it doesn't sound like they know what they are doing. Find a different therapist. I saw a group of Aspie men meeting at a restaurant in Tenn when I was there a few weeks ago. So I know there are groups there. You need to join your local autism society and get in contact with others in your situation. Then let all the adult aspies hang out together if they want and start practicing socializing on each other. Find Aspies on here from your area and allow them to hang out at your house watching movies or doing whatever together. He's only chance at friends at this point is other Aspie guys.

Last thing- have you told your son his sexual inappropriateness is wrong or bad? You need to use simple terms and tell him he has done something wrong every time he does it. If you don't bother to explain it he may never understand. Tell him what parts of it are actually considered against the law and can land him in jail. You need to practice social situations with your son..different scenarios and what is the right things to say. This comes from my doctor as she says parents of Aspies had better do this as it is only way to get them to understand what is appropriate. Its just like rehearsing a play. You and his therapist need to help him with that.

I am not criticizing wiccans either and I am not trying to preach, but hear me out. I have found that many Christian churches or youth groups are also very accepting. If he wants acceptance, have you tried the Christian Church? Its a thought. Its been life changing for me.

But on the flip side you have to be careful because I've also experienced youth groups and churches that were judgemental and cliqueish. But to me these do not represent the truth of my religion, which is all about acceptance.

And as for Wicca, well, its a different religion than I practice but there are many good people in it. But at the same time I consider it an easy stepping stone into more dangerous stuff. Vampire stuff is a perfect example. I have known people that have stepped into Wicca and became messed up. One girl I used to know actually became a flat out Satanist. I'm not saying this is what Wicca is, I am saying it is not something to take lightly. I'm not saying it leads everyone to these things. But I would try to stay away from it personally.

wicca isn't bad...its just dome people take it in a bad direction!
just like with any religion...

You can try telling you son about this site, wrongplanet is a site where all aspies are accepted for who they are, and he can meet so many nice people on here, and you never know, he might meet someone on here that lives near by where he lives.

Its just a thought, but if hes willing enough, i cant see why not.

Your son needs a therapist, one who is experienced with AS and cognitive behavioral therapy. He is looking for a group to identify with and needs some insight into his place in the world and groups.