How to tell between a parent problem and a kid problem?

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When does it become a child problem than a parenting problem when you are raising them and your kid isn't being good or is having problems?

This morning I had to fight to get my son to school and he was late because he wouldn't get his socks. He didn't feel like going up the stairs and getting them even though he is capable of getting them. So I said he would just go to school without shoes and I started to pull him out the door but I had his shoes in his backpack of course because there is no way I was going to have him go barefoot that day so he would put them on in school after he got there. I start to carry him out the door and my mom scolds me for it saying I can't do that and she starts telling me how to raise him. Hey I am teaching him independence and giving him a natural consequence and she told me this is a parent problem, not a child problem and then he goes to school all upset and no one gets him and she told me to change my morning pattern and that I fight him every morning before school when it's time to go. I think she was implying he has problems in school because of me and that was why the people there think he has problems and had him evaluated for an IEP so he could still qualify next year for it when he gets into Kindergarten. He already had an IEP in preschool for developmental delay.

Or is it just normal to have your own parents blame your kid's problems on you? Just when does it become a kid problem than a parent problem? I suppose when you have tried everything and your kid is still having that same issue? Does anyone here have someone close to you that blames your kid's problems on you saying "This is a parent problem, not a child problem" or anything familiar?

I think you did fine. My nephew was refusing to wear a jacket in the winter, and my sister was fighting him every morning over it. Finally, she let him go to school without one. The school then refused to let my nephew go outside at recess, because he had no jacket. So, he wore a jacket from then on. Your mother needs to butt out. It will cause more conflict between you and your son if he sees that grandma is second guessing you, or undermining your parenting methods. Also, pretty much everybody I know fights with their kids over some issue every morning. One of my kids takes WAY too long to get dressed in the morning.

My son's preschool suggested that my son's social delays and lack of emotional control was a parenting issue. They kept suggesting I do "parent training." My sister also suggested that his meltdowns were an issue with my parenting. I think that a lot of parents on this forum have been blamed for their kids issues and behaviors. However, most kids (neurotypical or not), are going to try to push the limits often. And, most kids are difficult about getting out the door in the morning.

This is a society problem. Children should not be forced into prison-schools.
People learn best at their own pace and you just need to guide him from becoming like other sheeple.

I have done for my son what you did, and while it didn't hurt him, I don't think it solved the problem.

The truth of the matter is that it's very rare for a problem to be the child's problem. Children do have free will, and do misbehave, but parents are pretty much holding all the cards in terms of power and understanding how to do things or how things work. Generally, what we call "misbehavior" happens because a child has some reason why they can't do something (there are instances where a child misbehaves to get an outcome they prefer, rather than being unable to do what you want, but that typically doesn't feel like what you described here.)

If your child has a developmental delay, it's not unlikely that socks and shoes are a sensory issue (if I had a nickel for every sock/shoe fight I had!) Knowing this might not make your day any easier - but what I mean is that to get your child to do what you want, you have to help him solve the problem that is keeping him from doing it.

I can see how your mother's response might feel like she's blaming you - and I wasn't there, so I can't speak to how well she approached you or specifically address what she said - but one thing we know about her is that she's good at raising kids with a developmental delay, right? She has done a great job with you, and might have insight worth listening to. I find that I don't typically listen well when I'm frustrated, so maybe going back and having a conversation at another time when you're calm to try to troubleshoot your mornings.

One of the most important things you can learn to do as a parent is to look at things from a child's perspective. I found this article to be really helpful when my son was little (it doesn't apply to your specific situation, but it does illustrate how difficult it can be to communicate with a child on the spectrum. I'm on the spectrum myself, and unfortunately that didn't mean that my son and I "spoke the same language.") http://www.oneplaceforspecialneeds.com/ ... utism.html

I think we waste a lot of energy deciding whose problem it is. Parent problem, kid problem-- it's a problem that needs to be solved. They're little and we're big, so it's on us to find a solution that works.

They tell me I'm kissing DD7s butt and making her a brat when I let her dictate the morning routine (whether she eats first or gets dressed first, what she wears, whether she wears socks or not). Maybe so, but if I don't, the morning is one long fight that ends is everyone missing the bus. This gets us out the door on time, and the only one biting their tongue is the 38-year-old woman who knows how to do that.

They tell me I'm infantilizing DS9 because I still pick out his clothes for him, and bring them to him. He's ADHD, doesn't start well in the mornings, isn't fully awake until he's been up for 45 minutes. I can get him up with my teenager and nag him to stay awake...

...or I can take 5 minutes to grab a tshirt, underwear, and a pair of blue jeans out of his room and drop them on the couch. Eventually, he will want to choose his own clothes, and then he will.

You do what makes it work, regardless of whether it's what's in The Manual or not. Within reason.

Unsolicited advice and judgment from parents (and parents in law) is just part of the game. Sometimes they have good advice-- they did raise these kids' genetic contributors, after all. Sometimes their advice is shit-- they are not you, they already f****d up their kids, now it's your turn. Take it all, with a gracious smile, a grain of salt, and gritted teeth. Use what you can, discard the rest.

When deciding what kind of parenting is right, the most important person to learn from is your child. What matters is what helps your kid function best, not what someone else thinks you should be doing.