When can my son just be a kid?

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Hello,

My son is 8 years old and was diagnosed with mild autism at age 3. He is extremely intelligent and in all regular classes in school. We also have a retired math professor from the university in our home town that comes into his class twice a week and works with him due to his amazing ability with numbers.

My question is this. When does he get to be a kid? I feel like we are always working on improving on things that people (us included) think he should do differently. When can he relax and just enjoy being an 8 year old? I feel like he is consumed with trying to do everything differently than the way he would naturally do things. It breaks my heart. He tries SOOOO hard and has come so far that it's unbelievable. I feel like he just needs a break and time to relax. He does participate in little league baseball, Tae Kwon Do, skiing, and golf. When we are on the golf course I can actually see him transform into a "normal" kid.

I think the constant reminders of "try to do this" "Don't do that" are starting to overwhelm him. I don't want him to shut us out and not be open and honest with us if something happens at school or elsewhere that we need to know about. I ask him to always be honest with us and let us know if there is something he's having problems with, and reassure him that we're not going to be mad and he's not in trouble, we're just trying to help him.

I just want my son to know that I love him more than anything, and that we're in this thing together. I tell him everyday that I love him, but I want to make sure that he understands this. Does anybody have any suggestions on different ways to express this in a way that he can understand?

Thanks,
Mark

I'm confused because you really seem to be addressing two different issues in your thread. For the part about not having enough time to be a kid I think you are the one that needs to be in charge of how many things he has going on in his life. With the Tae Kwon Do and Little League does he honestly want to do this? Or is it his parents want him to? I see in my extended family for instance how ALL of the boys are forced to play Little League. Baseball is ok, but it is just again and doesn't amount to a hill of beans to the 99.9% of people who will not become professionals. Ask him does he really want to do those activities? You might be surprised at how many kids say they'd rather stay home.

Is the math tutor who gives him extra attention making him feel pressured or giving him a bad image in front of his classmates? This reminds me of a recent show on autism where a mom explained how her 4 yr old has OT therapy 40 hours a week. So he's a little tike and has a full time job already! Talk about causing burnouts and meltdowns. I think the AS kids need lots of their OWN time to figure out the world on their own terms instead of having the so called right answers shoved down our throats. Ask your son what he wants to do and if he feels overwhelmed with any of his activities. Then take his cue on what to drop if anything.

As far as making him understand you love him. All you can do is tell him and show him in ways other than just buying him anything he wants which too many parents do. But keep in mind Aspies do not always have the same concept of love that NTs do. He may also have no concept of love nor care about it at this point.

I am sure that he understands that you love him! It is just that at 8 years old, it is very hard for an Aspie or HFA to really "say" that. But I am sure that he shows you his love for you all the time in his own way!

As for "being a kid", be cautious in thinking that he is not having a good time. Again, autistics can have a hard time "expressing" the fun they are having. He is not going to have a lot of "normal child reactions" to events and things. Also, it is common for young aspie children to be reserved and sound formal, this can give the impression of "depression" or lack of enthusiasim. It could be you are just not reading him right!

If he really enjoys golf, I would take him golfing more often! Since he is so bright, maybe even skip school some days and hit the course! I am sure he would like that, and really won't miss much at school.

Also, if he is showing signs of being "worn down" from societies expectations of him, bring him for a time out from it all. Let him stay home, go do something fun instead, or limit exposure to such things. More socialization is not always a good thing. Maybe even just 1/2 daying school is an option, depending on your circumstances. If it isn't, then perhaps even just allowing more "mental holidays".

It sounds like you are a great parent, in some ways, I think 8 -12 can be the most exciting times, and the worst of times for an Aspie child. Hang in there, you are both going to make it!

I'm sharing Ticker's sentiments on this one. What kind of curriculum is your son involved in where he is not allowed to be a kid? Does he have therapy at school, home? Do you disagree with the kinds of therapy (sounds like ABA to me) he is receiving? If so, why is he still receiving it?
I would trim the sports massively. He likes golf? Why not just play golf? Depends on what his priorities are too. Does he want to fit in and that's why he is in baseball?

It's not very healthy to teach autistics that their way of doing things is wrong. Dr. Temple Grandin says, aside from teaching social skills, you should work on their strengths.

I can't say much else because I really don't understand what could be filling up your son's day like that. My son is autistic and receives just minutes of speech therapy a couple times a week. He plays video games at home after school and we have to drag him out of the house on the weekends to go out to dinner or to the park. Destressing is a way of life over here.

Yes, you are very confused. We are extremely sensitive to our sons needs and talk with him frequently about the activities he currently participates in. Each of the activities that he is involved in is strictly his choice. We have asked him if he'd like to cut back on any of his activities, and there is nothing he's wants to give up. You couldn't be more wrong about little league not adding up to a hill of beans. I played college baseball and understand probably better than most that very few people can actually make a career out of playing professionally. My son is autistic, we encourage him to play anything that his heart desires for the social aspect and the being part of a team. He will never be an all american athlete, but he may find a cure for cancer, or discover what actually causes autism. If he came to me today and said he doesn't want to play baseball anymore, I'd want to know why, but would also let him know that it's ok if he didn't play any longer.

The math tutor is actually a CAP Mentor and one of his favorite activities in school. The time spent with her is outside of the classroom with the school principal in her office. My son does need his own time, in fact he cherishes it. When he wants it, he gets it. It's avery important part of who he is.

I know he understands when I tell him I love him, and I too understand when he says he loves me every night when I tuck him in. We don't spoil him with toys and treats and only things money can buy. He has chores and earns a small allowance so he can understand the value of a dollar. I appreciate your input and just thought I'd clarify our situation a little bit. Your response sounded a little text book. Thanks, Mark

So what is your concern then? It sounds like he is doing really great and there is no problem...

There are some aspies who are naturally interested in everything and if he is happy with all his activities and wants to participate, then that is great. You shouldn't worry about that. Most of his social interactions will come from activities so not having time just to play with other kids is probably not a concern.

I think it is important that aspie kids understand types of behavior: public vs. private and that in private, he should be allowed to be himself. Public behavior is for public - that's when you use the manners, follow the rules, and try and get along by acting more appropriately.

My son was identified as a math prodigy when he was about 8. There was a program from Duke University that has advanced math workshops in the summer, but he didn't want to go. He was in the top 99.99% in math which was pretty amazing. He's also a talented writer and musician. Your son sounds very similar - the type that has to be doing something from the time he awakes until the time he falls asleep.

I don't think baseball is such a bad sport. My hubby is crazy about his Red Sox. As long as he enjoys it, that is what is important. My son is a scuba diver. He is a total klutz under the infuence of gravity, but in the water he is a fish. I think these things are genetic.

I think the only time problems arise is when parents push their kids into something like soccer because all the other kids are playing soccer. That doesn't help the child, particularly if he has dysphraxia like my son.

You seem to be doing a great job!

Probably the most important thing to an aspie is to be himself, no matter his age, among other things, this means that he will try not to let you turn him NT, he will preffer to be himself.

Anyway games are important, and all kiddings, but probably is always better for us all to let we do our own choices, and we need to choose in order to grow.

Try to imagine an aspie father trying to turn his NT son an aspie, can you imagine me forcing my NT son to learn the maths your son enjoy? (well, I don't have an NT son)

Anyway maths is a hole universe, and there are so many other things that aren't felt by NTs, as the same way we don't feel NTs relations. I'm very sure you preffer your world, be sure I preffer mine.

I'm sure you want your son to be happy, I believe he will be happy being a very proud aspie, and I do believe you both are at the right way.

I like children a lot, and one thing I love to see is the face of children when they are thinking. May I guess your son has two extremely shinning eyes that move at a bright way when he is solving interesting math problems.

Well, the eyes are windows of the soul, your son eyes can talk a lot if you both are going right, and I think you are.

It sounds to me like your son is being a kid! Children experiment to find what their way in the world. They try 12 different sports, musical instruments, games, etc before they decide where they fit in. Sometimes it is the parents responsibility to pull in the reins a bit. My son loves Karate, but combine 2 days of karate with 3 days of OT, 3 days of preschool and 1 day of a psychologist and that leaves little "alone" time. I have cut back his Karate to 1 day a week for now and he actually seems to be happier. He is happiest at home and now he has a little more time to spend there.

I hope this helps. It can be so overwhelming sometimes. How do we know we are doing a good job? All we can do is love our children for who they are and hope they know we are doing the best we can.

Then I don't understand what you're asking. You describe a situation to us and then tell us that we're confused. Shouldn't be surprised to get textbook answers here. But we're going by your description.

perhaps, because your son is so different than you, you don't realize that he's enjoying himself ?.........the things my kids like to do are not really the things i liked to do as a kid. i would spend hours outside playing games with the neighborhood kids~most of my kids would prefer reading, and the computer over any of that.
if he's enjoying himself with the activities he's in, then i don't see that there's anything to be concerned about.............i will warn you, though, that after years of being involved in soccer , scouts , and instrument lessons~my aspie son had a complete turn-around and said that i had over-scheduled him & that he just "wanted time to be a kid"....he never complained about this when he was involved in these activities, and appeared to enjoy them tremendously. we, of course, honored his wishes about stopping his activities. he seems just as happy to find his own things to do, as he did having activities planned for him..............i think for my son that we hadn't phrased the question to him correctly~ i believe we asked him: " do you like playing soccer ?"
to which he replied "yes". perhaps the better question should have been: " do you want to keep playing soccer ?"...................at the time, we didn't even have a clue what aspergers was.we had no idea about asking concrete questions. live and learn, i guess.

It sounds to me like you are not sure if the feedback you get from him is actually the way he truly feels, or maybe you are worried that he doesn't really know any other way so how could he tell if this is all too much. You obviously love your little guy alot and you are trying very hard to do everything to be sure he will function in the NT world and become independent, but you would not have these worries if something inside of you wasn't uneasy about what toll it's taking on him. Maybe you can take a week or two and give him one hour everyday to do whatever it is that makes him happy. I don't mean you have to go start something new or buy the pony,lol, but just give him time all to himself to do his math(the way he wants) if that's what he likes,whatever it is let him pick it. The hour before bed is great time to do this. Don't interfere in his choices, just take note what it is that he is doing and then you will begin to see what he considers "just being a kid". Just passing on my thoughts, hope they help.

Your aspie child sounds just like my NT (who is my oldest). She's VERY involved at school, has lots of activities, and there are plenty of times where I have to ask myself if she's being allowed to just hang out and be a kid enough. So I ask - and typically, she's perfectly happy. Sometimes parents worry too much.

As for games, my son plays soccer. He tried baseball, but there wasn't enough action to keep him interested - and since I do believe that even Aspies can gain something from exercise, we asked him what he wanted to try next. Soccer it was, and he's great at it. He plays on a regular AYSO team - and we've never even mentioned to his coach that he's an Aspie. Sure, he doesn't look the coach in the eye when he's talking - and if he's not thinking he'll miss the ball when he tries to kick it, but so what? We don't dwell on those things, we just let him play and have fun, and he does!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be snyde, but if you think you're putting too much pressure on your kid, pack up your family and to to the mountains or Disneyland or something for 2 weeks.
btdt

You expressed concern over needing to remind your son of things.