emotional separation from parents

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Does anyone know of a resource -- book, blog, whatever -- that talks about the developmental stage of emotionally separating from your parents as it relates to autistic teens?

I don't have any knowledge of existing resources, but I wanted to post so that you would know you are not being ignored or anything. A lot of us are not at this stage, yet. I have many years to go before my son needs to go through that stage, and I am guessing it will be delayed.

If you have specific questions, we might be able to answer b/c many of us are on the spectrum, or spectrum-ish and may have some insight.

Thank you for responding! I have a ton of books on Aspergers in older kids, but I can't find a mention of this issue anywhere.

So the situation is, I think my son is at a place developmentally where he needs to start separating from us, but he's so dependent on us emotionally that he doesn't know how. I was always extremely close with my mom (and still am) but when we fought I would slam out the door forever and go to the library. My son is capable of doing something like this -- he rides his bike to school and back -- but he doesn't seem to know how. The concept of "hanging out" is foreign to him; he doesn't have any place to be that isn't school or with us, unless we arrange it for him. He likes parks but has never gone to one by himself.

So what he does instead is do things we hate to drive us away from him. I recognize this pattern from when he was little, before he learned how to say "I've had enough of this cuddle and would like to go play now." I think we're in the same situation, where he doesn't know how to express what he needs. And what he needs is intensely contradictory, since he also absolutely hates when we're not both with him.

You know, that does not sound too different from how NT teenagers are depicted in terms of the contradictions of it, anyway. I think him expressing himself that way, even if taught, is technically more advanced than that, in that it is a more direct communication.

That may be the key, is that you will have to intuit what he needs and tell him how to say it. If he has his own hobbies, that would help, even if they are not typical and even if they are solitary; It will give him his own space.

He may not join a clique if he doesn't have one that meets his needs or that share his interests. If he wants friends, having some kind of group, might be good for him, maybe something something special interest-oriented.

When you are a solitary person it is hard to get the full measure of the teenage experience. I don't think it is mandatory, if he does not feel a need for it.

Most of the time, my autistic tendencies are stronger than my husband's, -- but based on what my husband tells me, he did not have a rebellious phase. I am not sure if that is related to autistic-ish factors or not. Some of it was his upbringing, but I think if he were less autistic, he would have gone through it more typically,anyway. I don't think he really started questioning his parents' opinions, beliefs, way of doing things-- until he was able to move out and be around different kinds of people. By this time, there wasn't going to be the kind of drama you get when you are a younger teen, living at home--because at that point you just do what you want.

Edited to add because I forgot to type it: My own rebellious stage, on the surface, appears more NT then it really is. It was about the typical stuff on the surface--boys, curfews, "I don't like your friends," et al. But fundamentally it was what I considered at the time to be a rational act.

I reasoned it was needed and it was thought of in my mind as self-protective rebellion, as opposed to being impulsive and emotion-based. It was not that my reactions were not impulsive and emotional when the hammer would fall for said behavior; but it was not unexpected, and I basically viewed myself as fighting for my own freedom/autonomy and thought my precipitating rebellious rule-breaking out first, including analyzing potential consequences.

In addition, before this stage I was rigidly rule following, and so it had to be thought out, planned and justified in my mind. (My mother is an over-protective lunatic who would curtail what I could do based solely on her own anxiety (or how something might look to others) as opposed to anything actually protective.) If my mother was not such a nutbar, I don't think I would have had much if any of this phase--and to this day, I only wish I had gone further.

I think most NT kids go through their phase, end up later in life seeing their parents' point, and raise their kids the basically the same way they were raised, other than things that change like car seats etc. Some NTs end up with longstanding philosophical differences, but I think most return to the fold. I certainly don't think they plan it out.

I don't think it is very different. The real difference lies in what he's able to do about it. NT kids go hang out at the mall or text a friend or... I don't even know what they do these days.

Today he arrived home from school very angry and when I asked if he'd be okay if we went out for awhile, he said yes and he'd like to have the alone time. The only way he can get alone time, apparently, is if we leave. I understand it actually, because I'm very much the same way. So maybe his dad and I just need to leave more often.

It makes total sense to me. I used to love being alone in the house. I wasn't doing anything interesting, even. It just feels freeing somehow because you do not even have to think about someone being able to interrupt what you are doing or bothering you.