New here. 5 yr old daughter AS dx but no classic signs

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Hello Everyone,
This is my first post here. My 5 year old daughter was recently dx with SPD, ADHD, and Asperger’s. I knew SPD, suspected of ADHD, but was surprised by Asperger’s. I am just learning about it, honestly, but the thing is that she doesn’t seem to fit some of the classic signs. She is extremely outgoing and has good communication skills. She reads people well but has a hard time expressing her own feelings and has frequent angry outbursts when frustrated. I have to constantly remind her to use her words and work through the problem with her.

We went to talk to a doctor because she is frequently getting into trouble at school and I wanted to know if it was more than SPD, but my understanding is that her doctor diagnosed her mostly based on “playground problems”. She used to have many friends at preschool, and although she seems to know everyone at the Elementary school, she hasn’t been able to make good friends there. I can see some kids are “scared” of her because she chases them for attention or jumps in their faces. She craves being around people and that makes her really needy and intrusive. She is also very bossy and demanding when she plays. Her doctor also noted change in prosody.

I know that each person is different and has different traits, but it is very confusing when I try to read books and articles and can’t relate. Do you, or someone you know, fit in just a few but not all AS signs? Can a person with AS be so outgoing that they feel the need to be around other people (my daughter doesn’t even play by herself)? Can stimming be subtle and come and go (not frequent)?
Thank you!

This sounds exactly like my son at that age. He's very outgoing yet has poor social skills, so he ends up hounding people a lot.



There is a saying in the autism community - "if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person". Yes, some autistic people are outgoing. Not all autistic folks stim.

Thank you for sharing. The signs seem subtle to uneducated eyes like mine. I have a lot to learn. She walks in circle sometimes, large circles, like around a table or the kitchen island. Not sure if it is stimming or not. And she rocks the chair sometimes, but not all the time. Her teacher says she does that to be defiant since she doesn't do it all the time, but I think it is to get vestibular input when needed.

I like the saying, I always thought my daughter was beautifully unique.

My 20 year old daughter has Asperger's and was a bit similar to your daughter at that age.

She was just diagnosed 2 years ago, but had other diagnoses since she was 6.
She also wanted to be social, but had the wrong approach at times.
She also walked in circles while talking/ singing to herself since 2 years old. We always thought it was cute!! And like you said so nicely, beautifully unique!!
Which your daughter still is, of course, but now you will understand her better and be able to get her help in the areas she needs.
My daughter still paces back and forth now when she is happily deep in thought. The walking/pacing is considered "stimming".

Girls present differently than boys a lot of times, so it's great you had a doctor recognize it.

I have learned a lot on this forum, reading books, and some blogs.
There are some really nice people on this forum who have answered some questions for me and been so helpful, so hopefully you'll find it helpful, too!

Also, you could get a 2nd opinion if you are really questioning the diagnosis.
I know I would have been shocked if they gave my daughter an Asperger's diagnosis at that age. But looking back, it all makes sense now, to her and me. I now wish we would have known at that age.

And she could have really used the social support, etc. at that age, but we didn't know. We just helped her navigate the world the best we could.
Also, Google "girls and autism" and you may find some info that makes more sense to you.
I know as a parent it takes time to process all of this, at least it did for me.

Beware of that teacher. Some teachers have little real-world understanding of autism, and treat autistic kids as troublemakers.
Rocking in chairs is a common behavior for sensory-seeking kids. Some things that may help are a cushion to sit on, a weighted lap blanket (the weight is comforting), or bands around the chair legs that she can rest her feet on. If those things don't work, she may need to be allowed to stand up or kneel while she does classwork (you can have this written into her IEP).

I am going to echo what Yippy Skippy said. Some teachers really do not want to deal with challenging children. In their minds it is not what they signed up for, regardless of laws to the contrary. Teachers that leap immediately to interpretations that include defiance or attention-seeking are not easy to educate.

Stims can absolutely be intermittent. Think about it as similar to what neurotypicals do--pacing, twirling hair. They do not do it all the time, either. Kids with autism may have more eccentric or atypical stims, and tend to engage in it more frequently, but not necessarily all the time. They do it when they need to self-regulate in some way. Sometimes it is to self-calm or generate more energy. Sometimes it is to account for sensory challenges at a given moment--lights, noises, feeling out of synch with her space. etc.

Thank you all for your replies. As I am new here, I am not familiar with how to quote or answer to each one individually, so please bare with me

yellowfinch - I have a schedule with a psychologist to have a second opinion and testing done. I can see some things and I want to help her and think a dx will help with school, but my family and close friends are not convinced yet. I think the school will be hard to convince also, so having two doctors saying it will make it more "real". I don't know how to tell her though. You mentioned you wished you have known at that age. Would you tell her from the beginning?

YippySkippy and ASDMommyASDKid - yes, I agree completely. I didn't get into much detail about school in the original post, but it has been a battle. Her teacher used really harsh words to describe her and keeps trying to convince me that my daughter chooses bad behavior while I try to convince the teacher that she has triggers. I have talked to the principal and we have gone through student intervention route, but with no IEP yet because they don't believed or cover sensory issues only, which was all the dx we had at the time. And I tried to suggest small accommodations like taking a little walk, or carrying something heavy, but the teacher is not interested. I am hoping with the new dx and a new teacher things will get better for her.

I'm not sure what I would have told her at 5. Probably just keep it simple. But I think by 7 or 8, I would have for sure told her.

My daughter had an IEP for a learning disability in math and fine motor/visual spatial difficulties. So she saw an OT at school and had a different teacher for math.
So she already knew,I think,that she was doing things not all the kids did. I just told her in basic terms why she was going.. Like she needed" a little extra help in math" and needed some help to help her write easier, etc.

Eventually we talked about "learning differences" and how everyone learns differently. And how she was super smart (she is!), but sometimes help is needed in certain areas.

The school called it "developmental delay" . I never used that term with her because it was so vague and wasn't really a diagnosis anyway. We saw a neurologist twice and he just said she needed extra help in certain areas and was "shy".

I think, from reading, that people with autism want to know as they already know things might be harder for themselves or they feel different.
My daughter was very happy to have a "name" finally for her difficulties. She really struggled socially in high school and always said she felt "different". Her biggest struggle now is anxiety, which can be very common, too.

There is a blog post that is called "why you should tell you're children they're autistic". The blogger is autistic and I think it is very informative. They blog under Chavisory's Notebook.
Some other people on here with autism themselves may answer you here and give you their input and thoughts.
And on grandparents, etc... That is tough. Our family isn't comfortable , I don't think, with her diagnosis, even though they know she's struggled since she was a little girl. She has been diagnosed by 2 different reputable doctors. I don't know why they are like that. It is hurtful and frustrating. Apparently it's fairly common, though. Hopefully yours will prove to be different! We do have some friends that understand.
Just remember that you're the parent, so you know your daughter best!!
I'm sure the others have more advice with the teacher ... She sounds awful. Check out Wrights
Law online for some help and you can always contact an educational advocate if you need help with the school. They can be a big help!

yellowfinch , thanks for the tips! I will look for that blog post. I have talked with her in the past about some things being different for her. She cries a lot and told me some kids at school call her cry baby, so we talked about how she feels more and that is ok to feel emotions, etc. Then when school problems started she was coming home saying she was horrible at listening, that her friends said she didn't know how to listen, low self-esteem, so we talked about that and but more like each kid is unique, and we learn things as we grow. I am not sure if she would understand now at 5/6 (she turns six in a few weeks) if I told her. I will check out that Chavisory's Notebook blog and keep browsing this forum.

Thanks!!

I'm so sorry about the other kids being mean. That is hard. This mean stuff starts so early and is so wrong.
Does the teacher know this is going on? Of course, she may not be the most responsive based on what you said about her before.
I would talk with the school counselor,too about this. And then move to the principal If needed.
I've always been advised to communicate with the school in writing, so there is documentation as to what is said.
If you have official diagnoses I don't
think the school can refuse to give her an IEP or at least a 504 for some accommodations for her sensitivities. The IEP would be better, as it's more legally binding.
You may want to get an educational advocate's advice and help with this, if the teacher/school is not helping.
Best of luck to you and your daughter!!

Thank you!!