Bathroom Issues and an 8 year old with Autism

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I always swore I wouldn't put this on the internet. I never, ever wanted to embarrass my son. But I am completely lost and I don't know what to do. Pee trained at 5. Poop always began in his pants and finished in the potty. No biggie, right? Sometimes it takes awhile. So, I waited. And waited. And waited. In the meantime, I tried various rewards and sticker charts. I tried asking him about it, but didn't get anywhere. I just thought he couldn't feel it. 3 years later...

I have been beginning to tell he could control it when he wanted to. So, I tied it to Minecraft. No accidents at all for 2 or 3 weeks. None. Then three days in a row. So, I asked him why. "I just wanted to be normal again." "So, starting in your pants feels normal?" "Yes." "So, you have the ability to start in the potty?" "Yes."

The only thing I can think of to help this not feel normal is to put him back in pull-ups?

I don't want to embarrass my son!! !!

I don't know what to do???! !! He's not interested in problem solving or rewards or anything!

He hates baths so I even offered to cut baths back to once a week if he would poop in the potty.
No go.

Someone told me this was the place to go for help. Please, please. I'm a good mom.

I just don't know what to do.

Becky

I'm sorry I wish I had an answer. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with the fact that he's not interested in problem solving. Lastnight my son, 7, told me had no interest, at all, in figuring out how to solve his anger issues. None. He said he just wanted to get angry and never change that. It's hard when they have no desire. I'm at a loss, also. I wish he had the desire.

Maybe let him use pull ups, but teach him to change them himself.

There are some adults who prefer to use diapers despite not having a physical need for them. Personally, I don't see a big deal with it - it's unusual but not really harmful. But you don't want to keep cleaning it up, so he should take responsibility for his own hygiene regardless of which method he prefers.

It is possible he enjoys how it feels. There are people who enjoy the feeling, as odd as that sounds. If he has his sensory wires crossed, as it were, something feels and smells disgusting to most people might be enjoyable to him. I am not saying that is his issue, but I would not discount it as a possibility. Have you tried to communicate with him and find out why he doesn't get to the bathroom right away?

Possible reasons could be:

1) As you stated in your message, maybe he does not feel it until it starts.
2) He likes the feeling.
3) He is in the middle of something and has issues transitioning and finds it unbearable to pause what he is doing or what he is doing is not capable of being paused.
4) He may have less time to react than ideal due to some kind of dietary issue that is speeding up the process.
5) I am sure there are more that people might be able to list as well.

One and two probably will require input from a professional. Item #3 can be addressed by helping with the transitioning issues. Item #4 might be fixed if you can investigate and find a cause. Some people do have reactions to certain foodstuffs.

He already cleans himself up. It is actually a source of pride because he does it so well.

I believe it started because he is an incredibly intense boy. He loves to pretend and gets so wrapped up in it that he just has trouble transitioning out to go to the bathroom. I think that's how it started. Some may still be that way. Some is now habit, I think. How do I teach him to transition?

Becky

Yeah--the transitional thing is difficult. People on the spectrum usually respond well to reason. We had transitioning problems like this and we really had to just constantly hammer home that the cleaning up process took way longer than going to the bathroom on time and therefore going to the bathroom on time increases the amount of time for favored activities. It did not work right away b/c the urge to finish what he was doing was super strong, but eventually he understood that he was wasting too much time on the cleaning process and it was worth it to get to the bathroom on time.

It also helps, if he has a regular-ish bathroom time, to try to keep him to short things that have natural stopping points during that window. It makes it easier to pause and transition and then come back.

When he plays with other kids, does he go to the bathroom like the other kids?

How about in school?

I'm sorry I don't have a solution, but please know you aren't alone. Our 8 yo will only use the toilet in the bathroom next to his room. Only. As in, "not at school", "not the master bathroom", "not at stores". When it becomes apparent to him that he needs to eliminate, he just shuts down. And yes, he can hold it for lengths of time far, far past the limits of what our doctor recommended for us pushing his limits (ie, "keep him out all day & he'll have to use a public toilet" strategy fails miserably). He will use one toilet at one of his grandparents because a) it's the same model as ours and b) he waits until he is absolutely miserable, the rest of us are miserable and we spend an hour reminding him that he used it last time too. We've missed out on so many fun day trips & other things to do, but I don't know how to help him at this point. Nor do the doctors or therapists, apparently. We're just waiting until he has matured enough to work around it intellectually.

We homeschool.

If we are out he holds it as long as he can. He will not use a public toilet for poo. If we are out too long he will have an accident. He will not say he needs to go.

My son is nonverbal and 11. He has only this year while being home schooled (break from school with courses), been able to use the toilet to pee, He was starting training at my duplex in 2009 but has not willingly showered or toileted in another location since. And he is terrified of baths and barely tolerates showers in bath enclosures.

My kids were all late (for our family standard of 3/overnight clean age, but had father's who were late -5 yrs for one and 7 for the other).

It is harder for me as parent to ease transition him with timing because he had fairly random frequency, consistency and signals. Sometimes he wants fresh pants immediately, other's it is the dog or myself scenting him out.
It is nothing to do with distractions.

He is able to hold off on trips out if the are early day or not more than a few hours. This is recent, within last 8 months.
He started interest (or anti refusal)with an enjoyable silly DVD that was his sister's (one was potty episode of Bear in Big Blue House, other was never opened potty program that came with a box of pullups years ago). Interest is helping the process. He goes into OCD overload watching those and the potty episode he can find on other children's dvd's like Blues Clues.

If we move back home and have a standard size bathroom I think that will help a lot. We are currently with my m other as I spent all the last of my invested cash bailing her out of debt and nursing home when her caretaker was fraudulent.


I try not to shame him and keep on track. My impatience with this has no actual word for the intensity of level. It is a bit...well, discomfitting to be so up close and personal with my son so often in order to clean him (he has lately made attempts on his own but his stool is so wretched it is never a complete success), he is getting signs of puberty and his my size. Plus I m tired of cleaning poopie diapers. I have had small children around me often as a babysitter growing up , after my young half sister was born, been doing clean ups since. I need a vacation from the smell and fuss!

My daughter was slightly late in traditional sense (urination at night) but it is my son's that have struggled with bowel movements. My x refused to have my older son tested for bowel abnormalties. Boo is supposed to retested with specialist but we moved and break in care and now we are in state with poor services. I just keep telling him I sure want him to use the potty when chance to drop the comment appropriate is presented and leave it at that. I don't want him hiding like my daughter did with my X which actually was her biggest delay reason. He is delayed enough!

If you do not think the issue is distractions, then you think it is that he has issues with the actual bathroom? My son will not poop anywhere but home, and will hold it, like other posters. It is a comfort issue with him. We don't have accidents, but he will hold it, which has a different set of issues.

It could also be sensory -- loud toilets, water faucets that are also too loud or have water spurt out out heavily can be issues.

Issues with irregularity and texture issues could be diet-related.

Also, I will say this. We were on the road to almost to almost toilet training him (on time) when we moved and that set him back. He needed a break to get used to the new home and then we had to start all over. Moving can really disrupt them.

You probably already tried this, but I would have PECS cards or something he can use. I might also try making one for when it is too late to go potty but he needs to be cleaned as maybe he could be too rigid and not notify you if he thinks the cared is just for proactive times. This way you and the dog may have to play poop detective less.