Are you an Uber Paranoid Parent like Me?

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I'm the mother of a four year old daughter whom I believe is fairly NT. This thread isn't really about her, though. It's about me. I have GAD and severe paranoia pretty much daily.

First a little backstory before my question. I'm not the birthmother. The birthmother is actually my wife, but I've stuck by her side through the whole pregnancy and birth, and I see her daughter as my own. I've yet to officially adopt her, but I am a recognized guardian and in a weird sense sort of her step-mom, I guess you could say. All in all though, she's my child and I care for her.

But... perhaps a little too much?

I constantly worry about her health and whether or not she's sleeping well, what she's doing all the time, etc. But those are normal mommy worries. My main concern is that I have absolutely terrible thoughts of things happening to her all the time. Like what if we are having a little funny horseplay rolling on the floor and I accidentally pull her arm out of her socket, or knock a tooth loose, or dear gods end up breaking her neck? Now granted I don't play roughly with her at all, and the only time I'm a bit forceful is when I have to pick her up and take her to her room for a time out because she's been throwing a tantrum. I'm always fearful that when she's throwing one of those tantrums or trying to play rough that she's going to end up fatally injuring herself, or I'll end up doing it, or my wife will.

I've been known to have extreme paranoia about a lot of irrational things, like freaking out in case an airplane suddenly comes crashing through my work suite, or refusing to take the elevator because I'm panicked that the cords might break or it might malfunction. I can barely drive a car without hyperventilating the entire time, and I've only been in one crash in my life (with nothing but a chainlink fence and an open field) so I don't really think I have any PTSD-related issues with anything relating to that.

So now here's my question. For those of you who are parents out there, do you have excessively paranoid thoughts about your kids dying on you out of freak accidents? Is it actually a common thing? I'd love to discuss these fears of mine with my wife, as she doesn't appear to have them at all, but I'm afraid she's going to ride it off as, "It's your GAD, love, and you NEED to go back to the doc and get your meds refilled."

And I'm trying not to do just that, because I have a fear of calling doctor's offices and going in for appointments, or even going to a pharmacy to interact with people. It's an endless cycle, because if I go to my wife for help, she's normally rather angry with the situation and finds my panic and fear about speaking to other people as ridiculous. And her anger with me is one of the things I fear the most.

I suppose I'm just seeking support.

I will say that, much as you don't want to, this might be something to get help for.

I consider myself to be a very conscientious, somewhat over-protective parent. I've been away from my daughter for less than 20 hours, in total, since her birth coming up to two years ago. I won't let anyone else look after her, and I'm very focused on what's best for her - healthy eating, the right balance of educational activities and free and independent play, the exact words to use around her...

And despite this, I wouldn't say that I'm as paranoid as you sound. And I hope that comes across in the nice and supportive way that I mean it, not as a criticism. I certainly do my fair share of worrying but she's been going up and down stairs on her own since she learned to crawl, I let her go down huge fast slides on her own, I let her climb and stand on the edge of relatively high ledges where, yes, she could be injured if she set a foot wrong. I can rationalise these things in my head as things that she needs to do to learn and become independent, and build her self-confidence, and not be bubble-wrapped by me. I don't put her at risk intentionally, but she certainly ends up in risky situations if I've evaluated them and feel that the benefits outweigh the minimal risk. Though, no doubt, these are scenarios where people would be asking "What WAS the mum thinking allowing that to happen?" if something did go wrong. I think if you're struggling with the rationalising and balancing the risks, this might be something to get help with.

It's not that you're being utterly ridiculous. Things can, do and will go wrong. But too much paranoia affects your mental state, and can affect your daughter's sense of well-being and confidence as well, so it is something to speak up about - at the very least, to your wife.

Thank you for your reply. (I'm not offended. XD)

I do agree with you. I feel like there are some activities or situations that a kid should go through in order to truly learn a lesson or fully understand why it is that they shouldn't do it. In most cases I try not to smother her, but I do think it affects me negatively either way--if I do or if I don't. On one hand, I am not restricting her from doing the things that other kids her age are doing. Heck, she comes home from the babysitter's covered in bumps and bruises all the time, but she's always fine. (This babysitter has known her since she was a year and a half, so she's trusted in the family.) But on the other hand if I don't restrict my child I feel doubled over with fear of what might happen to her, and I know that it's unhealthy to feel that much self-induced stress.

My sister has taken on a man who has lost much of his eyesight to drinking. He had two boys, with developmental issues, because their mothers used speed.

Most normal people will speak to the effect that they want their child to have interaction and experiences. Usually, these will occur at daycare, at the children's table, or in front of the Ipad.

I find that I am sitting on the ground, at their level.

I think of Temple Grandin, who walked where cattle walked and saw what they saw.

If I'm reading you correctly, it's as though you're a different kind of person (from them) and your presence or interaction is an intrusion. So, you're wondering what she's going through.

I know that you're not supposed to be their friend / coequal. When disaster is imminent, I am not.

In my case, this would have involved guy stuff -- power saws, ladders, fistfighting, and sledge hammers. Not exaggerating.

While other adults seemed worried and standoffish, I told him how not to hurt his fingers, or the people, or the windows around him, and how to split the wood, then did that with him.

Most everything has a rational, physical consequence, which I tell them, if they are smart enough to ask. I explain it, just like I would to any normal person, and that has always been adequate.

I think all parents worry about their kids but yours sounds more extreme that it's giving you anxiety. It could be OCD if it's interfering with your day so I would suggest going to a doctor for your anxiety.

I am not so worried about my children I will be over protective of them. I don't have fear at all like if I will pull my daughter's arm out of her socket or if my son will accidentally break his sister's bone from playing or of my daughter will fall off when she climbs in the fort or when I push her on the swing. But I have healthy fears like not wanting my son running off in the parking lot or leaving my daughter standing right by me in the parking lot while opened the car without holding onto her or not having my son in the kitchen while I would be handling hot boiled water, or keeping the windows closed so he wouldn't fall out when he pushes on the screen same as for my daughter. None of these fears will interfere with the child.

Seems like I certainly will need to go get my meds refilled despite my fear of going back to the doctor, lol.

I agree. My fears certainly seem more than irrational in comparison to others. Looks like paranoia really has taken a toll on me.

Thank you, all, for the input so far. ^-^

I am on the overprotective side, but I like to think it is rational and based on my son's particular challenges. (How can one really know for sure?) I don't have paranoid fears so much as scaffold the heck out of everything we have had serious issues with in the past, and hope I am giving my son enough opportunities to stretch and grow within that scaffolding. If my son wants to try to do something, I will generally let him try it. He has trouble knowing when it is safe to take on risk and will do risky things he shouldn't; but be afraid to try things that are relatively safe. So it is not so easy.

I will say this, and I hope you do not take this the wrong way: I cannot stress to you how important it is to get the paranoia part under control. I say this because my mother was like that and it was a miserable experience dealing with it. She would prevent me from doing things I wanted primarily to mitigate her own anxiety as opposed to keeping me safe--which of course was her ostensible rationale. When I tried to reason with her, you could very clearly see the real reason.

Parenting based on rational risk analysis is one thing (and there always a risk of error in either direction, depending on ones temperament, personal experience and bias and just white noise error) but based on irrational fear, it is extremely stifling. To this day, I have very bad memories of this, and bad feelings for my mother. Luckily, my dad was able to moderate most of it, but sometimes he didn't feel like fighting that fight because she would nag and nag and nag everyone about it until it was either over or she got her way. So for recurring things, sometimes it was just too annoying to have to deal with her for my benefit.

No doubt you will always be on the overprotective side. (As I say, I am also) As long as you are self-aware and know to check yourself and have input from less risk averse people, it is very manageable. It sounds like you are self-aware, and that is good. You have to get the anxiety under control for your own sake, anyway, and in the course of that, a lot of this may take care of itself.

I certainly hope so. I'm planning on calling the doc in he next week or so once I get financial situations out of the way, so I can figure out how to work on limiting my paranoia. Yesterday I told myself to look away from my wife and daughter playing together so I didn't look like I was about to jump in to the rescue if something happened. It helped to distract me. XD So that's a step forward, I believe.

I don't think it would be at all unreasonable for you to ask your wife to set up the appointment for you and go with you to it. I have some social anxiety, and I sometimes ask my husband to do things like that.

I don't see any harm in it either. My fear is the eyeroll, which she tends to do when I tell her I'm too nervous to do something, lol.

That is no good. She needs to be more understanding.

Well, she's still getting used to how deep my anxiety runs. We've known each other for ten years now, but I'm discovering a lot of things about myself that I wasn't aware of before. When she doesn't understand what's going on with me, her frustration comes out as exasperation toward my behavior. Most of the time she doesn't mean to come off rude. She just gets frustrated, as anybody who knows me would be, lol.

I had a very long talk with her last night about things and expressed my concerns to her regarding this situation. She was actually quite understanding. Obviously she isn't able to do much about it, but she reassured me that we will work on getting our insurance figured out so that I can go to the doc about my issues. First time in a long while that she has been so soft toward me regarding my GAD. I think she's finally understanding how serious it actually is.

That is good. I am glad.

I'm not a parent.

But kids are very resilient beings, and tend to heal much faster even if they get hurt.

Just make sure you don't "go down to the kid's level" when you are roughhousing. Make sure you don't use your whole strength, unless it's necessary.

Getting hurt is really part of being a kid.

Kids like to roughhouse, partially, because they are growing, and it's conducive to their muscle developing properly. If a kid just sits around all day doing nothing, he/she is wasting valuable moments when they can develop properly in a physical sense.

My parents used to be like that. Heck, I still had a 11:00 PM curfew (that I broke all the time, and fought tooth and nail over it) until age 24, when I got fed up with it and moved out.

Needless to say, it severely limited my socialization and dating skills. I didn't have my first real date until age 18, and it was with someone unattractive and incompatible, who showed interest in me, and I jumped at the chance. Although I've gone on dates after that, dating in general was difficult, since my parents kept calling me constantly whenever I was outside the house. (And not answering wasn't an option.) All in all, I fell behind 10 years in the romantic department, my AS nonewithstanding.

So now at age 33, I play catch-up by drinking beer, riding trains, and sexing escorts. As a result, I had more sex partners than all my close friends put together . But my dating skills are still lacking. And I'm at a point where I'm terrified of women ages 28 to 36, because most, if not all, of them want to get married and have babies. (Just being friends with them is fine, though.)

GAD is rough. I have anxiety problems as well and am medicated for them. Because, GAD is ultimately about you and your fears, and those fears can be crippling to the people that you love. So, I'll say this. If you yank your child's arm out of socket protecting them, so what? If they fall off of the monkey bars, so what? You have to figure out a way to maintain perspective, because as a parent, you're going to be scared/worried all of the time. It's par for the course. Problems other than cancer or being run over by a car are solvable. And if your internal voice is telling you that playground/schoolyard/other exploratory issues are life and death risks, then perhaps you should explore that with your personal support team. Your partner may be "eye-rolling" you because she has already had to become used to the idea that she can't control her baby's experiences and preferences. It's a hard thing to understand if you haven't had to have primary responsibility for raising a child. But, they teach you really quickly that what you think/want really matters not at all.

So, long story longer, I'd say that you may want to revisit your approach to managing your anxiety. Because the only thing that children are guaranteed to do is raise parental anxiety levels and hit every single trigger, NT kids or parents or not.