Advice on traveling -- w/o our adult Asperger son?

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My son is 21 and doing really well in community college. He is an only child with not only Aspergers, but a rare liver disease he has dealt with since birth. He has been incredible with being his own health advocate with teachers and doctors. He can take his own meds on time and regulates his diet medically speaking. He has done very well with the cards life has dealt him.

Husband and I have to take a business trip out of state for 6-7 days. Normally, we bring our son along. But now that he is 21, we let him make the decision to participate. He chose to stay home. I don't blame him as he would be bored to tears during this trip. However, the Mama Bear in me is very nervous... we've never done this before with leaving our son by himself for a long period of time. But he does need to try to be independent and this opportunity is good for him to test his wings, so to speak.

I plan to have his favorite foods and snacks stocked in the kitchen for him. He will have $ for fast food (across the street -- he does not drive) trips to get him out of the house. I have close family friends who live close by who will call him to see how he is doing and take him out to his favorite restaurant (if he wants to do so). And by now, he knows the drill on medications or emergency health issues - where his health insurance card is, how to call friends for help if he needs to go to the ER (not likely, but should there be an emergency), and he is great with daily calls or texting us with updates. (Despite his dislike of the telephone, but I digress...)

As a mom, I am super nervous as I have never done this type of trip without my son. But I cannot protect him forever. He will be fine. Most likely, he will be online or playing non-stop video games while we are gone. I am more worried about his hygiene, hair, and stuff like dishes or laundry. Any advice? Do I make a list or text him about chores? Or tips on how to treat him like an adult without nagging?

Email or text him a couple times a day if it'll help you feel better, but it sounds like if he is doing good in community college, he'll likely be fine for a week alone. Has he expressed any concerns? Has he gotten himself into trouble alone before?

To many HFA young adults, cocooning for a week is heaven.

See - this is the problem with labels, and the reason why Aspergers was taken out of the DSM. I have no idea if this is appropriate for your son. I don't know him. I don't know what his limits are. There are people on the autism spectrum who would not be able to do this safely - lots of people. But in general, Aspergers is characterized by an ability to orientate in the world without assistance, with the notable exception of relationships, and that's how its different from classic autism. I don't know if you son is like me, but I'll answer as if he is, in case its useful.

Aspergers is meant to be defined as someone with at least normal IQ. So, a 21 year old with a normal IQ... well, the question of whether he should be OK staying at home for a week without supervision is incredibly offensive.

I remember being 18 and my parents left for a week and they had a person come and stay in the house with me. I'm still pissed about the situation and I'm 41. Not that I hold it over their head or anything. Its just that I still get a kick in the gut feeling when I think of it.

If you put the same safe guards in place for me when I was 21, I would be SO annoyed. People visiting, you calling and texting, everyone check, check, checking when I was looking forward to a week of solitude. It can be a real irritation to an Autistic.

I'd really suggest that you limit your calls/texts to a once a day check in - maybe arrange with him when you'll do it and set up the expectation that he'll get back to you so your own emotional comfort is maintained. One of the problems that I had with my mother when I was younger is that I didn't understand that she needed to hear back from me, or she would worry. She had an expectation that as her child, I would be respectful and do the calling, but she never said this outright, so it took me a long time to figure that out. As a 41 year old, I understand that my parents have emotional needs that need to be met, too. But as a 21 year old, I did not understand this.

But all those people you have set up to check in on him? Make sure they know to check first and make sure its welcomed. Let the poor kid have some privacy.

All this prepping and setting up people to visit - its sending one very clear message. "We don't trust you. We don't trust you. We don't trust you." Its hard to explain, but while we Aspies completely miss some hidden messages, others are loud and clear. If it were me, your panic over leaving me would have come through loud and clear, but the sublties of mothers and their issues letting go with their adult children went completely over my head. It led to a lot of hurt feelings that didn't really need to be there.

My two cents...

Is your son totally naive? No stranger danger sense? Have you ever seen him in a situation that the he had to deal with it all by himself?

If he sits in his own funk for a week. That's okay. It the place looks like a garbage dumpster. Not the end of the world. Get him paper plates, Solo cups and plastic ware. He can throw it all out. No dishes.

My husband is 56, and when I am gone for a week, the place turns into a pit. He will use every dish in the cupboard. The garbage will over flow. His executive functioning skills are that bad. So I put paper plates....etc on the sink counter . Whether it's insulting or not, he has proven numerous times he can't keep it together without someone riding his ass. I can't come home to a week's worth of work.

I would consider this an experiment to see how much he can handle on his own. If the place is trashed, now you know to put in more guidance.

Ask him if he'd like someone to call to see how things are going. What would make it easier for the week?

I get the PP outrage of being treated like a baby. But if s**t gets real and this guy winds up hurt or whatever, people aren't going to say sucks to be you to the son. They will dump on the parents like poured concrete that they left a person with a developmental disorder AND a medical disorder by himself with little guidance.

I see the PP is 40. It's a different world now. When I was 21, I was considered totally an adult. Not that way anymore. My friends routinely check in on their 18+ year old kids when left alone at home. So a phone call every other day is not considered horribly intrusive by today's standards.

Echoing Tawaki - if he smells like a cesspool when you get home, so what? A week isn't enough time for much hygiene-based physical damage to be done. And who knows, maybe he'll notice that he smells by the third or fourth day and take affirmative steps. The medication is infinitely more important, but it sounds like he has a handle on that. If you're the least bit worried, maybe set his phone or iPad to give him notifications, or buy him a special watch. Finally, you may want to talk to him about his friends, just to make sure that he doesn't have any who will try to take advantage of him while you're gone and use the house as their playground. If that's not an issue, I would let him be as independent as possible.