Sensory Issues in the *parent*

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ASD parents, how do you handle your own sensory issues when you have children?

I'd love all to hear all the stories.

The ones that would help me the most would be for children my kids ages and up (6+) and for dealing with children who love/need lots of cuddling.

I'm not a parent--but I thought I would "bump" this one.

Thanks.

I know I used to have tons of ideas. Then, life happened. And honestly, I've been alone a lot for the past year. I just need to remember them all.

I tend to get very tactile/proximity defensive.

But kids need cuddling, and I've got a bunch of them.

My happy solution is to discourage them from waving their hands in my face (can't stop myself from seeing it as a threat) and to encourage them to sit or lay beside me, where I can put my arm around them and pull them close and still have visual space, instead of wallowing all over me.

It's been a happy arrangement thus far.

Huh. It erased my response.

I guess I'll be briefer.

That sounds good to me! Thanks!

This is a great question. I'm curious what others have to say, as well. I have ADHD and struggle with my reactions to the cacophony that is my kids (DS - 5.5, DD - 2), especially my son - we believe he has AS/is "on the spectrum". I have very few coping skills, short of ear plugs! He's constantly moving and talking, has difficulty with how close he gets to people and all that. His emotional regulation is poor - which is where I would rank my own! The chaos makes it difficult for me to think.

I've had less luck with the auditory issues.

My grandmother's solution (my grandfather was AS and very anxious) was to send me outside to play. I think it's a wonderful solution if you live in a place that's remotely safe (anything other than a violent city neighborhood or next to a freeway without a barrier) but of course the current culture in most suburbs and small towns renders it nonviable.

I had great times wandering around in woods, creeks, and cemeteries, or riding my bike around town all day, or walking downtown to go thrift shopping/flea marketing closer to adolescence. Neither I nor any of my friends were ever accosted (by anything other than neighborhood bullies anyway-- nothing that threatened abduction or molestation or serious bodily injury), and I can count our collective close scrapes with accidental death on the fingers of one hand (really only one-- a friend and I swam too far out in the river while the water was very high and had to use what we'd been taught about surviving strong currents to get back to shore, but IIRC parents were present for that episode).

You can't do that today, of course.

I tried letting my 7-year-old daughter visit friends within 5 houses of home unaccompanied and have run of the neighborhood (an area well within a quarter-mile of our house which I can traverse on foot from end to end in either direction in under 5 minutes) for the first time this summer, as it had gone well with her ADHD brother since he was 7.

It lasted for a few weeks, then she and another child decided to go out of bounds, trespass on private property, break into a barn, and help themselves to some kittens. The worst that came of it was that one kitten was not returned to its mother before she moved the litter and abandoned the nest, and is therefore now living in my house and being hand-reared. And my daughter is no longer allowed to visit anyone or go outdoors unless I am with her, and those privileges will not be reinstated until next summer.

This is the kind of exploit that would have garnered an angry call to parents and a spanking when I was a kid, that nowadays is likely to turn into drawn-out legal problems and possibly the removal of children from the home.

I have a lot of issues with shouting/shrieking/arguing/whining hurting my ears and causing aggravation that is difficult to keep masked and sublimated. I have explained thousands of times (often several dozen in a day) that it hurts, that I can't understand what's said in a shout/whine, and yelled/threatened/begged them to please stop.


Not so much luck.

Sometimes I get a little relief from separating them or deciding I no longer give a crap and cloistering myself in my bedroom with a fan running and the door shut (not a good strategy with little kids, but viable with 6 and up if the house is baby proof, they will leave knives and stoves alone, no one is prone to violence, you have a good lock on the door, and you're not going to get too upset about lewd/rude behaviors they teach each other or the mess they make while they're not being directly and actively supervised), and reading a book.

I do not wish to discuss the messes that have been made, how many things the dogs have chewed up, the rude expressions and behaviors my ADHD DS9 and his ADHD friend 10 have taught each other, or exactly how DS9 learned about "naughty Sims mods." Yeah, if you retreat, either shut off the router or take all Imternet-capable devices with you.

Benzodiazepines also work to a certain extent. If you don't have to drive, so does beer. Some of the hard root beers and ciders are quite tasty, and can be sipped slowly enough to maintain a state of "pleasantly tipsy" for hours without becoming actually drunk.

Humor helps. Repeated reminders to oneself that this too shall pass help, sometimes.

I'm saving up for a tall fence (chain link on two sides, privacy fencing on the side with the nosy, meddlesome, gossipy neighbor). Hopefully then, as long as the stupid pool is inaccessible, I will be able to send them out to the back yard without accompanying them.

One thing that has really helped is teaching mindfulness and meditation to the kids. Eventually (if they have auditory defensiveness, too) they learn that they are over stimulating *themselves* when they are loud.

I wear long sleeves(most of the time, several layers), and long, thick pants, even in summer. It helps in dulling tactile information. If I touch them, they get the sensory needs they want, but not so much rubbing or poking for me(less surface area). Did I mention lots of layers of clothing? And patience, plus pain-killers(advil).

They only have a childhood once, so placing it in perspective helps, as does pillows, blankets, I may wrap them up into Tacos, fun for them but also ties up their arms. Tossing them in the air helps too, playing airplane, though they are very big, and grown, they get physical contact, but it limits touching. Maybe it's different for parents with NT kids though.

Auditory is difficult. Luckily sensory disorders run in the family, so there is some understanding(we have favorite colored ear covers for loud occasions eg. fireworks, recitals, etc.). I've learned how to manage the pain through meditation, sudden loud sounds can be very painful, or shocking(say when the neighboor uses dynamite JFF and I'm not emotionally prepared for it). Found that equanimity really helps, also in focusing, single point concentration is very soothing, I can focus in and all the sounds just melt away, just full absorption on my object(like reading a book).