I need some advice, my friends..

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I'll have to make this brief, Cor's mother is dieing. We have told the kids, Z and S that she will probably not survive. My concern, here is Z. He is very close to her. When we told him that BG [Cor's mother] was hospitalized with bleeding in the brainhis response was an angry " THAT'S IT SHE IS GOING TO DIE!!". He has been on a roller coaster of emotions since, alternating between blow-ups and withdrawal. When we approach the subject we are greeted with angry tirades or crying and hiding under anything he can find.

Any suggestions on how to help him deal with this? Sorry I've got to close I'm exhausted.

loss is hard to deal with for anyone. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this...The most you can do is expect the unexpected~expect old behaviors to arise,and perhaps even clinginess. try to explain as much as you feel is necessary. and hang in there yourselves...try to get time away for yourselves.

First of all - I'm so sorry to read about all of this with your family. Loss is really tough to work though, even as an NT.

Please keep in mind that I'm very new at this, but my Dad has a terminal illness called Pulmonary Fibrosis. The prognosis for the disease is that 80% die by the 5th year post-diagnosis. My dad was diagnosed almost 3 years ago now, and his symptoms are getting worse. The only hope for my Dad is a lung transplant, and we're hoping he gets listed for one, but the chances of his surviving long enough to get one are of course - pretty slim. Anyway, we've had to tell our kids, including our son who has AS. He responds far differently than his sister, primarily because I think he gets his emotions all mixed up at times. At first, he chuckled about it - which I naturally wasn't expecting - and then, my son says "well, that means that Papa won't be able to be mean anymore" (my dad isn't mean, but he's stern with my son - and up until recently none of us understood why he wouldn't say hello or give hugs, etc. Naturally my Dad has gotten on him at times about being polite, and to my son - that was being mean.) He's never cried or gotten upset about it, he's just very matter-of-fact about it. In fact, when I call my parents on the phone, my son will ask "Has Papa died yet?" There's no beating around the bush with him, that's for sure.

My point is that even an AS kid has to grieve in their own way. I think the more we try and "force" them to behave in a way that NT's would consider normal, the more it makes them withdraw. I'm sure that Z will work through this in time, and until then, you have to give him opportunities and ways to work through their anger or pain. I can certainly relate to the anger - I was DEFINITELY angry about my dad's illness at first. I think you have to let him work through it - even if he's not openly discussing it with you (my son NEVER brings it up unless I'm on the phone with my parents, or unless I try to talk to him about it), I would bet that all of this roller coaster of feelings he's having are his way of working through the stages of grief. Sure, it's different than the NT way - but that doesn't mean it's wrong for him.

Kind of off-topic, but since I'm new to Aspergers and I'm learning about the different therapies available - does anyone know if having a punching bag could be effective? I was thinking that when situations like this arise - and an Aspie doesn't really know how to handle the emotions - I'm just wondering if having that punching bag available would help them to get it out.

I am so sorry. It is never easy to loose a close loved family member.

I lost my father when I was 19. My son was 2. It was a horrible time for us, although fortunately my father had been isolated due to his ilness from my son for nearly a year leading up to his death, so he did not have a strong emotional attachement to him.

We had a similar problem when my mother moved out and 2000 miles away. he cried and was very emotional all the time. I am sure it helped that she was still "alive" and he could call her, so I am in no way trying to say that it was the same as what Z is going through, but still, it was hard on him. I can only imagine if or when she passes on the grief he is going to feel.

We had a dog die when he was 7. He was traumatized for nearly 8 months after. We actually resorted to slipping him gravol at night when he went on one of his emotional rollar coasters. He could not be comforted or rationalized with.

This too, shall pass. I don't know exactly how to handle it, but I would talk to your doctor at least about something to help him sleep at night if this becomes an issue. Adding sleeping problems and tired and cranky to the mix, is never a good thing.

I am so sorry to hear about this.

I'm absolutely stumped on what to write. I guess you need to keep talking about it to him.

Maybe he's also stressed because he's worried about his mum. I suppose give him plenty of reassurance that the nurses and doctors's are doing their best to look after your mum.

I guess there's also fear of the unknown. I suppose you could talk to him about what will happen if/when she dies. eg who will look after him, will he have to move etc

Can you e-mail Z's paediatrician/psychologist for advice?

If you ever need to talk send me a PM.

I think I've talked to your wife on WP. My son is 7 so we had the connection of having sons the same age (I think from memory Z is 7)?

My thoughts are with you.

Smelena

Corsarzs - so sorry to hear about Cor's mother. I'll be thinking of you all.

A few years ago I had several elderly relatives die within a few years, whilst i was sad, I knew that they had been suffering greatly, and were shadows of there former selves. When they passed I didn't cry - I knew that in reality they were no longer suffering, which they definitely would have done had they carried on living. Whilst death is the end of life as we percieve, a person only truly dies when you forget there memory.

Reading it, I think the main difference is it was unexpected here. Has he seen her? Maybe it would be an idea presuming it is viable.

Rhonda R~ we have a punching bag in the basement....it worked for a little bit, but then son lost interest...

I would just drop it for now as he seems to be upset by it. He will be upset enough when the time comes. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. When my son's great-uncle died, he went into a tirade about the medical profession for not being able to fix him (he was 80) and then he wanted to know why we have to die, why can't the make human lives longer. The only thing to do is to give as factual an answer that you possibly can. He got over it farily quickly.

They would have to develop an interest in it, and even then, maybe no.

remember, a meltdown is in now way rational. They are internally exploding, and usually I think the the physical "fit" is almost more like the flailing of a drowning person who can't swim. The feeling of total helplessness is the same too.

In order to get the child to the "punching bag" stage, you would have to first "reach them" which is very difficult during a fit. They are irrational, they are communication wise, shut down.

Also, they may not want to "punch" per say, there rearly is no co ordination to be had in the "fit". It is much more random then that, a few kicks, throwing something, punching or hitting things around them. The goal is not so much to "hit an object" as to just "relase frustration and vent".

Using a punching bag takes some disapline, coordination, and rational thought. It is unlikely a lot of aspie kids would be able to "channel" their frustration this way. Sure, it may work for some, but definately not a one size fits all solution. You would have to try it to see, but it is just as unlikely it would work, then likely.

I know with my son, I have tried dozens and dozens of times to provide him with "outlets" or "tools" thinking that they would help him with various things, but in the end, they just don't fit his narrow "style" or "way of thinking". Unrelated, but to get him "organized for school" since he would not record his homework or important notes in his agenda, I made a simple "checklist" that I thought was the greatest thing invented since sliced bread. He did not use it. Not one single day. I could not even bribe him to use it! It just was not "effective" for him. The good news is, the older the child gets, the more they can tell you what they need and what would help.

My son actually devised a system, and i caught onto it and helped fine tune it. Instead of an agenda, he just files his work in his binder, and as it is completed, he moves it to his class duotangs. he "remembers" the due dates. He WILL NOT write them down. I have to accept that. His teachers have to accept that. I have asked for a small accomidation in class now, I am asking that his teachers provide him with a post it note with the info he needs to know about the assignment, or they can record instructions on his voice recorder. To track MIA assignments, I am writting on a tracking sheet at the front of each duo, what assingments I know he is currently working on. The teacher can then see if the missing assignment needs to be re assigned, or is actually in progress.

Getting him to use "our ideas" did not work. He had to show us what he needed, what he could do, and I then built on that, to make sure it complied with the level of organization needed in class.

Ok, sorry I got so offtopic! But it shows how well meaning ideas often don't "work" for these kids.

I would think it may help if you can see if he can transition the meltdown at all before investing in a punching bag for it. Maybe see if you can get a squeeze ball or teach him to hit a pillow, if he uses this "stratagy" then maybe the punching bag will work. If he doesn't, then that is your answer...

Back for a little bit. First thank you all for your thoughts and support.

ster, right about clinginess, it is showing up, mostly in the dark of the night. We are all doing our best to hang on. The knowing what is happening and waiting is the hardest part. Hospice services have been a tremendous help, I strongly recomend them to others who go through similar circumstaances.

RhondaR, Maybe a little late, but welcome to WP. The people here great andcan often offer more practical advice than "professionals", as proven by your comments. I definitelty understand about Aspy bluntness examples are rampant in our household. Backing off the topic has helped and answering him honestly and briefly when he asks about BG is helping. Thang you.
RE the punching bag. Allow your child a safe place to go when his anger surfaces. reinforce the fact that it is not acceptable behavior and needs to be done apart from others. We had a punching bag for a couple of years and do allow him to through soft things in his room during his more controlled outbursts. When he calms down we take a short time to talk about otyherways he could have handled the triggering situation. Try it might prove usefulll.

Gotta run will be back later, mass confusion here.

1. Do something to retain your own sanity.
2. Bring in a psychiatrist. I understand what the kid is going through, and while I think he'll get over it, it'll be easier with help.

Not much more to say.

For everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

Doesn't help much, probably
btdt

Back again for a little bit. Things have quieted down and we are temporarily on an even keel.

EarthCalling, once again thank you for your thoughts and asurrances that this will pass. I think I just needed to share this with those I know will understand these special children. Z has had some disturbed sleep patterns even getting into bed with us after a nightmare, at least it was not the screaming night terrors of the past. Of course he didn't want to talk to us about it but the reassurance of our being there helped settle him.

Smelena, thank you for being here for us, we all appreciate it. I did pm you and got yours as well. I seem to have trouble with pms so let me know if you get it. You are right I'm sure Z has worries for Cor [mom], she has a bad heart and he has hidden fears about losing her though he rarely states them. I share them and watch her closely. We have alerted Z's Psychologist and teachers about what is going [we've done the same for S's teachers and therapists] and if worst comes have emergency contacts in place. Z and S are both 10 and you may have talked to cor though she does not visit this sight too often, she says it is "my thing". Cor suffers from a chemical inbalance and is "clinically depressed" and I am about the only one she opens up to on a regular basis.

Goku, thank you, it is good to hear from you again.

Dingo DV, I think you may be right. BG was recovering from hip surgery and doing extremely well. This hit us from out of the Blue. As Z is processing it he seems to be calming down and doing better. For now. We did get him to see BG and though there was a moment of real tension he handled it very well, talking to her and telling her he loved her. I know he meant it because if he doesn't like a person it is very apparent, in some respect his Aspergers is a real blessing. I have passed on the thought about a person living in our memories and it has been filed and is being processed, thank you for reminding me also.

Serious girl, thank you, Z does thrive on factual input. He has faced the death of others,
I know he will work through this also. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of this.

btdt, thanks for the comment about my sanity, I have taken the advice, a deep breath, and calmed myself. It has helped, everyone. Z sees a therapist regularly and we have alerted him to what is happening. He and others will be there if we need them. Thanks again .

that's all form now folks. Once again thank you all, I appreciate all of you.

Corsarzs,

It is so hard to explain death to any child. There are so many emotions involved. My son recently experienced death (a pet) and now one of his special interests are cemetaries. So don't be surprised if at some point you get a lot of questions about death related topics.

My thoughts are with you, it sounds like you already have support for your children in place, that is a huge help.

Jessrn, thanks for the vote of confidence. Things are going better so far. BG passed away Wed morning, it is now Sat here. I've been busy and not been near the computer much. We went to the viewing last night Z nd I went into the room together, he had made it clear that he did not like goint to "these things". I agreed. He looked around, saw the coffin, said "I don't want to go up there!". No problem , we sat facing away from the coffin and he played his gameboy. He handled meeting people, and the noise and confusion well. As the evening went on he gradually moved closer until at one time he was about 10 feet away, he came back to where I was sitting, sat down and said, this is close enough, that was just creepy". We did take a couple of breaks from the viewing area but he wanted to be in there, just not near or looking at the body, that was Fine. Cor and S also held up very well. The difference in reactions of the two children could make a whole new thread, I'll file it for when someone else goes through this situation.

The Memorial Service will be This afternoon. I know and expect continued adjustments from my whole family in the coming days, weeks and months.

Thanks again to everybody for you thoughts, help and support.

I am glad everyone seems to be coming to terms with it. Loosing someone you love is never easy. I remember when I was at a viewing for my grandmother, a distant family member brought her grandchild, made her look at the body and touch it! I think that is all I remember now, is the little girl saying "she feels cold grandma". Geez, who gave you permission to use my grandmother as your personal experiment! I think it is about all I remember from the viewing now, which is kind of sad.

I don't think viewings are much about the body, as they are about saying good bye with friends and family. Honestly, I am not even all that sure that the body really should be there, I guess some people need to say good bye to the shell of the person, but for children in particular, I think that is very traumatic. I am glad that Z held up well, it was good to let him judge just how up close and personal he wanted to get.