My Dad and my Autisim

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Hi, i am 23 with Autism. Now my dad and my mum are not together now and the problem is i only see my dad 4 times a year and stay over his house 3-5 days in that period. My dad has not seen how much i have grown in confidence since i was younger and he still thinks i get very angry and treats me like his little boy. For example my dad hates traveling and my stepmum has bipolar, when we went on holiday to spain my stepmum was in bed the whole time and me/my dad stayed in the apartment all day. Now i would have wanted to go exploring but my dad seems to think i still get very nervous and can't cope in public.

How do i show him that even though i have autisim i have grown in confidence and learnt to manage my disability

Do your mom and dad talk at all? Could she at least write him a letter explaining how much you have grown? Your mom can tell him all the things you do on your own.

Another thing to consider is that often parents of kids with Aspergers/autism, have a form of it themselves or at least some traits of it. Anxiety is a common co-morbid and if he has that as well as not being familiar with how you now manage yourself in public, it could make it harder to convince him. In addition, he may not like being out and about himself, and he is using you as kind of a cover or excuse.

Maybe, see if he will go with him on boring errands to show how you can handle them.

I wonder what would happen if you took the initiative. For example, the next time you are going to go visit him, why not just say, for example, "Dad, on Tuesday I think we should go to the XYZ. I was reading about it online and it looks like it would be a lot of fun. I checked into the ticket prices and it would cost ____. What do you think?"

It is difficult as a parent, even when you see your kid all the time. You get so used to making accommodations and adjustments to avoid difficult situations that pretty soon, you don't even know you are doing it anymore. Recently, my son (who is 14) was invited to a birthday party at a local mall. We went early to get a gift and we ran into another party-goer, who was there by himself as his parents had dropped him off (which I believe is fairly "typical" as I see a lot of kids that age without their parents at the mall). At first I froze a little inside, because I didn't know what to do. In the past, I did not leave my son anywhere alone because he has a very poor sense of direction, gets lost easily, and then feels overwhelmed. Yet, I knew it was probably not "normal" for 2 teen-aged boys to hang out at the mall with a parent. I pulled him aside and asked him what to do and he said "Mom, I've got this." I said "What if you get lost?" He said, "I know how to read the map. I will go to the Cheesecake Factory and call you from there." And so I left. And everything was fine. He hung out with his friend until it was time for the party. They found the venue for the party. And he did something like other kids his age do.

Your dad may not know to ask you if you can handle it. He may just want to avoid making you stressed out or anxious. You may just need to say "Dad, I've got this."

Best of luck to you.

what else could i do. How do i take the initiative. he says he has no money but im very fed up the way he treats me. for example if i wanted to i could right now get the bus to oxford or didcot and go to the shops. but im scared to how he will react

Well today i have woke up, had a shower, had a shave, made the bed and i;m just going to make a cup of tea for myself. Do you think my dad might need to see me do things for myself and then maybe he might stop treating me like his little boy still

That is a good place to start. Are there any chores around that you could do without him asking?

What would happen if you said "Dad, I'm going to take the bus to Oxford. I feel like getting out of the house. Would you like to come along?"

Just to clarify is the main issue that he won't let you do anything because he is worried about you, or is it that he doesn't want you spending money, or both?

If the issue is also financial, then you might want to emphasize that what you do won't cost him any money. If you say you want to go to the shops, he may think you are going to spend money and not just look at things. If that is an issue also, you might want to tell him the point is to get out for a bit, and not to spend.

i don't know. i think he is just worried. He thinks im still a child. He is always telling me i'm different then other people but how he is so proud of me

If the main issue is he is worried than proving competency is going to be your best strategy either by having your mother vouch for you and/or proving competency. The suggestion about doing chores around the house may be a good first step because it shows responsibility. If he is worried about you getting lost on a further trip, maybe practice a shorter trip.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but maybe show him you can do a short bus trip only a few stops away and get yourself back, or something like that. With NT kids, you live with, trust usually builds slowly over time, over basic tasks. Unfortunately it is much harder to prove when you are on a different timetable from NTs, and your dad has not been able to observe you.

I really like the idea of asserting yourself more. While having your mother talk to him about your skills sounds like the easy way out, the truth is that this is still acting like a child.

It could be as easy as telling him that you intend to go out for a few hours. That your phone will be on if he needs you. Mature, responsible people tell their families where they are going and when they will be back. That's not treating you like a kid. We just care about one another, so we want to know. It would be a nice touch to ask him if he needs you to pick up something while you are out. My parents loved this when I first started to gain my independence. And it made me feel good to be able to help them for a change.

Its also really important that you do have a safety plan that works for you as an adult. Keep your phone on and charged, for example. If you don't know how to use public transportation, this is a good time to ask someone to help you learn. And its a good idea to have uber or similar set up on your phone so that you have a way to call for help if you get lost.

If you speak more assertively, and simply tell him you are going out and let him know that you will be safe, he might be OK with it. But if he still has a problem, its time for a man-to-man talk. I know this is scary, but you have say "we need to talk" and you have to tell him how it feels when he treats you like a little kid. That's the adult thing to do.