Parents Getting Angry Over Grades

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I'm sure you've heard people at school say: "If I get a bad grade, my mom/dad will be pissed!" Now have any of you questioned why some parents get angry over their kids' bad grades? My parents did all the time, which resulted in in constant fear over what grades I'm going to get. (Now imagine living with that fear from 1st thru 12th grade, as well as dealing with the bullying.) Ranting and raving aside, can someone here (parents, maybe?) give me reasons? Yeah, I know; the parents want the best future for their children, but why does angry have to enter the equation? It seems like some sort of an ego trip; if they can't make their kids do well in school, then they're bad parents. But why is there even a connection between bad grades and anger? To me, it seems equivalent to getting angry about one's dog not being able to perform tricks.

To summize: why, as a parent, would someone get angry when his or her child get a bad grade?

Subconsciously it reminds them that they are 1)dumb 2)inattentive parents and 3)they feel bad/worried for their kid's future.

I attended open house at the beginning of the school year, okay, this is like the first week of school. The teacher is telling a parent how behind her (1st grade) son is and how terrible he performs on classwork. The parent acted shocked and turned to the kid (standing there the whole time), "I'm really disappointed in you!! !"
Talk about moronic and hypocritical. I was mad at both parent and teacher (I pulled my son out of that school).

My parents didn't really get mad at report card grades but deficiency notices. If I brought home a pink slip saying I wasn't doing well, I'd get punished. But it wasn't really anger in an irrational sense, but "you'd better do your work and improve".

For some reason my parents never cared about my grades. They did get happy the one time a brought home an A- on my science project. But if I brought home a C, D or F it didn't bother them. Maybe because the stress I had it was impossible for me to make good grades.

I'm homeschooled now and it's impossible to make a bad grade.

i think it's disappointing to know that your child could be doing better, but is not. personally, i look at my kids grades as reflecting whatever difficulties they're having. my daughter is not doing well in math, but i don't see this as a source of anger for me~more like concern because i think she's not getting enough help in school to understand the concepts.

I think that the word "disappointed" gets thrown around way too much. A lot of parents use it to mean anything from "you've really hurt me" to "you're going to pay for this later". Also, while it's good to be concerned over a child's grades, it's even more important to keep the concern in check; after all, they're the child's grades, not the parents'. When left unchecked, concern can easily turn to... you guessed it: anger. I'm still trying to find out why some parents (including mine back when I was in school) get so angry when their child doesn't get good grades. Do they view it as some kind of a challenge against their authority? Concern about doing well in school is one thing, but why anger? Post your replies if you know any; they'll really help me.

I guess if the child was just goofing off all the time and never tried or cared, then I could see lots of frustration on the parents part..not that anger is justified, just frustration.
If there's anger there, maybe the parent wants the child to be what they weren't. No excuse but it could be more the parents problem than the childs.
I know for those wanting college, there is so much pressure out there for SAT's, GPA..that has to be watched..that the parent doesn't push too much thinking they're doing it for the good of their child. Yes could be an ego thing for some parents.

We just got great advice for math and science classes. It makes sense that for some Aspies, there would be a challenge..taking notes with all the concepts and numbers being thrown at them and the fast pace of math classes..if you don't get week 1, how you going to get week 2 that builds on week 1!

My daughter is going to request an outline of the class that she can fill in..won't be so much note taking. If the teacher has a power point of the day's class, we will ask for a printed copy of the power point before the class begins. This will be part of our Section 504 plan to request that the school make accomodations.

I know that I and my husband have shown anger over grades. Yes, usually it is frustration. We don't feel like our children are a reflection of us, but if our oldest (who was undiagnosed Aspergers all the years he was growing up) was completely capable of pulling A's, without even thinking, but got a C because he refused to do homework, then, yes, we did get angry. We couldn't understand why he was doing this. Was it right? NO! Were we frustrated? YES! We didn't honestly know what was going on in his head.

Now, we have a ten year old that is very high-functioning autistic/Asperger's, and he is diagnosed, and we understand that he has difficulty organizing and remembering and thinking. Is he smart? Yes! Is he able to think in a noisy classroom when all he can hear is five different conversations, the lawn mower outside, the air conditioning unit inside, the walking of feet on the carpet in the corridor and the scratch of the chalk on the chalkboard -- all at the same time -- No! Now that we understand his issues, we are much more calm about grades, and don't expect perfection. But we DO expect him to try.

Part of our concern is that we would like him to go to college, a specific college, that has religious background and would fit in more with his very moral outlook. If he were to go to a community college or a regular university, and come up against the typical morals of the world, it would be extremely hard on him given his very rigid concept of right vs. wrong. Our other two children could go to any university (even our oldest son, who is aspergers as well) and do just fine. But this youngest son would have it rough.

i'm glad my parents got mad when i didn't get good grades. Some people never grow up and appreciate the "tough love" they received from their parents.

I think that a lot of parental anger is concern that just comes out the wrong way. There's so much about life that you simply can't "tell" your kids because it just goes in one ear and out the other - they really have to learn it themselves. Even knowing that, as a parent you want to save your kids all the grief and wasted time learning the tough lessons. The bottom line is that if you do well in school and have your choice of colleges, you have a great launching point for your life, even if you still don't know exactly what you want to do with it. And, quite frankly, I also think that a lot of parents are scared to death that they'll have kids living at home forever... as in: bad grades = job at taco bell = offspring living in basement for eternity.

I think you might be on to something, hexel. Good job! Given the collective brainpower here at WP, many other great ideas might come up. We've gotten the "concern that comes out the wrong way" idea; I'm looking forward to more. Keep posting, people.

My parents expected me to get good marks in school but I didn't get punished as such for not doing so well (apart from being made feel very guilty).

I think parents get too hung up about their kids doing homework and "underachieving". If a child is very smart but not doing well at school, there is always a reason. Yes, on occasions, the child might just be goofing off but often the reason is not the child's fault.

There is too much emphasis on kids going to college, even when they might be better suited to vocational training. Vocational training would be a darn sight cheaper too.

I have two daughters and they have done well at school, but I am very disappointed that their high school hasn't recognised their good work with any awards. That is not their fault. The way the awards are determined is on the first term results. Like me, they took a bit of time to settle into the school routine and their best results were/are in the 2nd half of the year.

I got merit certificates because our grades were averaged out over the whole year but my daughters have actually got better results because they are better at maths than I was.

Only the kids who are getting awards are invited to the speech night and so I've never been to one for my girls and I think this is wrong. I only found out from my 16 year old a couple of weeks ago that this is how they do it so it's a matter I'd like to find a way of talking to the school about.

How about a "twist" on the question of parents getting angry over their child's "bad" grades...

Our son is 13 (my hubby is CurtisD, a poster here) and has Asperger's, OCD, Bi-Polar, ADD, ODD, Depression, GAD, Attachment Disorder, and more we're sure, and when he finds out that he has gotten a "bad" grade he overwhelms and ends up in a full-blown panic attack (sick to his stomach, sweating and visiting the nurse) even though we have never given him a hard time on his grades.

We've even had to specifically instruct the school to NOT communicate his grades to him when they're "bad" because of his reaction.

Most of his grades are "bad" but our current main goal for him is not good grades but rather a good day at school with no meltdowns at school or home.

Why does he get so upset over his "bad" grades when we don't?

Thank you!!
Diane

My parents have never been angry at me when I get bad grades. They know I'm not brilliant at everything, and they would sooner have me focus on subjects I enjoy and be happy, rather than trying to balance out my grades across the board and be stressed out.

Personally i take what i do with my children what my mum did with me. Providing she could see i did my best she was always happy with that result. Ive said to both of my kids aslong as they try hard im happy which i am, if they are bottom of the grades so what they tried hard i know they did & they still get a treat whether good grades or not. End of the day when education is done, its about self-esteem and life skills. Also i think alot to do with it is parents being competitive with other parents comparing their children against that "their jimmy did better than johnny" etc etc blah

Same here. I didn't get punished unless I wasn't doing my work and my parents knew I could do better than I was (and I knew that as well). There is a major difference between trying as hard as you possibly can and not getting a good grade (either because the subject matter is difficult, you simply don't get it or the class is notoriously difficult) and simply not trying and getting a poor grade because of that. It is the latter situation that I was punished for.

There are some instances where grades are bound to suffer, even if the individual tries as hard as he or she can. One such instance was in the honours chemistry course at my high school (and many of the science courses there, as well). I spent hours more on chemistry than I did on any other subject and it was one of the most challenging classes I've ever taken. My grades suffered, but I was working hard and learning the material and I was challenged. I was not punished for getting a less than top mark in that class, though I would have been scolded if I had gotten that same grade in an English class (in which the teachers give most students As and Bs).

The ironic thing is that I push myself harder than anyone else can push me, even my parents. There is one person who I can think of who comes close to pushing me as hard as I push myself, but even he falls short of that (and that's probably a good thing!).

I was homeschooled and my mom did not hesitate to give me a D in math or and F if I honestly failed the tests. she would then go back, and see what I was capable of and go back and work on that even if it ment redoing last years book.

the only one who cared about grades was my grandmother because me and my cousin was born on the same day 1 year apart and he was a straight A, student with no problems at all.