I'm giving up...please help me !

Post Reply New Topic

I can no longer handle my son. He has autism PDD-NOS and ADHD. He is 7 years old. He is out of control, his behaviour is out of control and the home environment....we are just all devastated. I feel like its also getting worse with age. I've done everything in my power that I know of, to help him. I've been on a courses about parenting kids with special needs and I have read endlessly about autism and ADHD. I am self diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, so I don't know if that's the reason I can't figure out how to help my son better. He swears, calls me and his dad very ugly and gross names like b*****s, as*holes, boring mom/dad, evil mom/dad, ugly mom....he screams sometimes constantly when angry and destroys things around him. He has thrown stones at our car and destroyed the wall in his room and a lot of toys (that I have thrown away..thought it would stop him doing it again but it didn't.)

I have tried to punish him by taking his favourite toy from him for a period of time, forbidden him to play in ipad or video games that are his favorite. I read somewhere that I should use his "hobbies" as a carrot when dealing with is misbehaviour, but that is not working at all. I tried to have a schedule where he could earn in money to buy his favourite things by behaving well and also a schedule where he could have prizes by behaving good. Also a smiley program, where I put smiley when he did things wright. (it was just a couple of easy tasks). The think is, it works the first day, and then no more.
I have left him to be alone and see if he could calm him self down when angry or having a meltdown and if not, helped him to calm, hold him in my arms and wobble back and forth. I have tried to calm him, tried to talk to him in every possible way that I know of. A few times, it has worked, but usually he just explodes immediately and I can't see this coming, just immediately get angry and begin to scream and hurt him self and others or things around him. He injures him self , scratches, bites, spits. I of course always take him or hold his hands when he is hurting himself or others. He is always angry, I do not know what to do anymore. If he hears the word "no" he explodes. If he can't get what i really wants, now, he explodes. If there is a change in routine, he explodes. We have been trying to praise him more, add more visual schedules in our home and the school is helping also when he is there. We try to use stories when we go somewhere and do something that he finds is very difficult like going to the store/mall, cutting his toe nails, go to the wc for nr.2 and more. Im just so out of energy and Im also afraid of myself because I am constantly losing my temper on him. And I don't want to do that to him or end up being violent or a very bad mother. Please anyone, can you please, please help me and my son. I want to do what is the best for him. Im just crying here, I desperately needs some advice as soon as possible.

Any one ?

Some kids do not handle traditional discipline methods well. The standard rec is for The Explosive Child, by Ross Green which involves collaboration instead of traditional carrot and stick methods.

When you say your son is always angry, I am not sure how literally to take that, being unofficially diagnosed, myself. Does anything make him happy? I would start with a detox of anything you know is a stressor and that you can control. If there are things you know in advance he can't handle--shopping trips, bright lights--certain foods. Don't even try at this point -- Get rid of all of anything you can that stresses him. Add anything you can, that adds joy. Then if you can get him in a better mood, for goods parts of time, then you can start working with him.

How good are his communication skills, aside from insults?

Hi and thank you for your reply. I'm for sure going to check out Ross Green. Haven't heard of him.

When I say he is always angry I mean most of the time. It's so sad. I would say 80% angry and explosive and 20% happy/calm during the day. Its very hard to watch. I want him so to feel better.

But maybe you're wright. I could maybe stop taking him to these places. I just have to arrange our routine a little, should't be a problem. I want to try that and see if we can minimize the stress and discomfort.

I was also wondering.....I read somewhere that an anger is a part of autism, not always, but often. And it comes because the child can't express or explain his feelings so it just comes out in an explosion. So I was just thinking, if this is the case, how I could help him express/explain his motions better and needs. The chart where you point on the face and how you feel isn't working for him. He doesn't want to use it , we tried, but he always pointed at the happy face no matter what. I'm not sure he understands it, or maybe he understands it well but doesn't know how to put his own feelings on the right face. He knows happy and sad well. But all the feelings in between...it's more difficult.

Maybe you know of some other things I could try to help him with his feelings ? Just wondering.


Thank you again.

Yes, a difficulty in communicating leads to frustration which can lead to anger, which can lead to lashing out. The thing about emotional awareness, is in our case we had a period where improvements in this area lead to a (temporary) bump in acting out. Something about him understanding he was angry- I think may have made it feel righteous anger in a way, and amplifies it. I don't know that I would work on the emotional labeling until things are under better control. It is good and necessary to do, for sure, but IMO calming has to come first. I would recommend getting him to communicate needs/wants first (and trying to accommodate them, when you can) first before spending too much time and effort on labeling emotions--which IMo works best as a latter iteration.

The move, Inside Out, was the best thing for us, when it came to understanding emotions. None of our prior resources: emotion books, emotion color charts etc. worked as well as that movie. When he saw it, it was like a light came on in his head. We bought some books related to emotions from the movie, action figures, and even bought containers and beads for him to make his own memory storage. I can't promise it will work for you, but for us it was the right thing at the right time.

Another contributing factor is rigidity. Kids on the spectrum can have serious issues transitioning or following rules that they have made in their heads, and it can also contribute to anger and acting out.

Once you can remove as much of the stress as you can, that is when you can work on this. It is best done gradually, so he can concentrate on adjusting a little at a time, and so it is not too overwhelming.

Wow, thank you for everything.
I am going to try this. Thank you so much. I hope it works.
And I also have to get this film in our language (we are not from the US) We have watched in english and its very good.

I'm going to second the recommendation for Ross Greene's method. He has a good explanation on his website, with videos and podcast lectures, all for free, here: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

Mujer, comparado con lo que he hecho con mis muchachos, no creo que hayas hecho todo lo que pudiste. Pero primero que nada, cálmate. Una grabadora digital ayuda mucho en conectar tus momentos buenos a tus momentos malos. Deshazte de tu depresión primero. Grábate los momentos malos (apenas unos cuantos segundos basta), y tócalos cuando estés feliz, haciendo algo diferente. Y la próxima vez que te deprimes, acuérdate de tus momentos buenos (cuando tocaste la grabadora). Momentos malos son inevitables: todo el mundo pasa por ratos malos. Pero, es bueno mantener la perspectiva que la vida también siempre nos ofrece momentos buenos. La grabadora te ofrece un "space-time wormwhole tunnel" para conectar tus momentos malos a tus momentos buenos, y vice-versa.


Mira, tú y tu hijo pertenencen a dos tipos diferentes de autismo. Esa es la razón principal porque no le entiendes a tu hijo. Me pasó lo mismo al comienzo. A tí te encanta dibujar cositas, pero a tu hijo le gusta más cosas dinámicas, cosas más tridimensionales, más por el lado de videos.


In my experience there are only two causes for persistent tantrums from autistic children.
(a) They have been pushed.
(b) Withdrawal symptom from their favorite games.
Your son's life is probably too monotonous. For these children, games are like cocaine. They are extremely happy when they play, but they may turn angry when disconnected from their games. You need a variety of activities for you son. Have you ever taken him to elevator rides? Check out DieselDucy videos on YouTube. Many kids also like car washes. Does he like building blocks? (MegaBloks or Lego). A lot of children enjoy swimming as well. Snap circuits are good, too. Reduce his device time to a minimum. Enrich his life with other more educational/creative activities. Remember: he is dynamic, 3-D, and enjoys video clips. Check out the "Explain Everything" app on your devices (e.g. iPad), and learn to make some funny video clips for your son as well. Get a Chromecast gadget if you don't have it.


Behavioral issues should be the least of your concerns. Trust me, once these children are developed, all their behavioral issues will disappear. The main mistake of parents is to focus only on behavioral and socialization issues. Com'on, these kids are not sick. They need no extra pressure to develop their social skills or change their behaviors. The root cause is something entirely different: lack of information connection inside their brains. You establish the connections by developing their visual-manual skills. You develop them from their strongest points, not from their weakest points.

That being said, here is a trick to connect their bad moments to their good moments. Draw a stick figure image on a blank index card when your son is mad/upset, to represent the moment. Show it to him. At some later time, take him out for fun activities: whatever your son enjoys. It could be a park, it could be elevator rides, it could be going out to get ice cream / frozen yogurt, whatever, but it should be someone outside home. When he is happy and having fun, show him the card, and ask him whether he is OK, now. This connects his bad moment to his good moment. Conversely, next time tantrum happens, remind him of the good time he had (if you have prepared a card of the good time, use it. If not, verbal reminder alone usually is enough by itself). Show him that you actually love him and do take him to fun activities. The failure of most parents is they only focus on the bad moments: they just want to get rid of the behavior problems, at the moment. They don't realize that the key to solve behavior problems doesn't start with the those bad moments: the key is to start with the good moments, instead. The flow of energy in their brain, the flow of thoughts, should always start with something positive.

In 2013, there was a publication on an "Equation for Intelligence" by Alex Wissner-Gross. Here is a website that discusses about it.
http://michaelscharf.blogspot.com/2014/02/a-new-equation-for-intelligence-f-t-s.html
You don't need to understand any of that, but here is the key sentence that you need to pay attention to: "Intelligence is a Force that Maximises the Future Freedom of Action." It tells us that we should develop our children from their foundation, from what they are good at. Let them be creative. They are building up their software subroutines inside their brains that way. By laying down a solid foundation (visual-manual skills, including reading) inside their brains, they will be able to do amazing things later. If you however choose to develop them from the other direction (behavioral, social aspects), you may force open a channel in these children, but in the process you commit a permanent damage to their brain, and they will lose their creativity power and their future potential. Not worth it. What do I mean by visual-manual skills? This is a "Stand Mixer" that my son just made last night, using some building-block style toys and circuit components from different sources.

https://youtu.be/IyqpnESr_Uc

It's a competitive world out there. There is no room for self-pity. You have some extraordinary brain inside your son. Don't behave like most parents out there that just manage to waste their children's life away. Your son is perfectly fine the way he is. It's not just me saying these kinds of things. Recently I read the book "Uniquely Human" from Barry M. Prizant, and he says many things that I say, almost with the same words. Children are fine, they don't need to change. It's us, the adults, who need to change. And Dr. Prizant has worked with thousands of children for more than 40 years.

Oh, no need for drugs. If you do use drugs on your son, reduce/eliminate as much as possible. These kids are not sick. They need your respect. Respect goes a long way. Similarly, no need to worry about the academics. Build up their visual-manual foundation (including reading), and everything will be solved on their own. On the other hand, if you neglect their visual-manual development and only focus on behavioral and social development, you'll end up sad and crying, like so many other parents out there. And worse, your children will be stuck with learning disability, all while having the most powerful brains in the world. It's your choice. As I say, it's a competitive world out there. You make your decision, you live with the consequences of your decision. I've never relied on outside "experts": most of them have no idea about autism, in my opinion. I make my own judgment and decisions. You should do the same. I've never shed one single tear drop about my children being autistic. Instead, I have two happy children, happy children with big smiles, and darlings of so many teachers. If you look at the kinds of esoteric things I have done to develop my children, you will realize that, you haven't done nearly as much as I have done for my children. It's a competitive world. Take up the challenge.

FWIW....

What's going on at school? Is he having troubles at school? Anything? More so, how is he acting at school?

7 to 10 years old is when the s**t his the fan ASD wise. NTs are making a huge jumps in social skills. Aspies can be 2-4 years behind with social skills. If he's function at a 3/4 year old level and everyone is is 6 or 7, it's miserable.

4 year olds can happily play side by side with Legos/cars...whatever. Any games are fairly simple. The average 7 year old is now getting into group things. Soccer, basketball...they move in packs. Watch how a 4/5 year olds play, then watch 7/8 year old play. It is totally different.

Also the use of language changes. All that indirect, crappy idioms start getting used. The average 7 year old can tell if someone is happy/sad/mad through body language and how to be a little devious to suit their needs. My daughter knew more social skills at 7 then my husband did at 49. She could read body language. He can't.

IF everything is sunshine and unicorns at school, your son is most likely trying not to sink like a stone there. He's burning up all his extra energy just to pass as NT. When he gets home, it's sort of "unleash the beast". All the crap of the day gets let out, because he knows he can't do it at school. He knows you will "take it". I don't mean he deliberately thinks it out like that, but stress has to come out somehow.

Ignore the non stop running mouth for now. He knows the nasty words get you angry, and he is out of control.

One mom I know had to strip her kid's room down to mattresses on the floor and the closet door out of the room. He was 6 at the time. The bedroom was to sleep and to recover from meltdowns. When he would start meltdowning, she wouldn't yell, but just guide him to the bedroom. There was literally nothing in the room to hurt himself with. She would sit in the room, and be there. Hand him his weighted blanket, fuzzy pillows and ride out the melt down because that is all you really can do.

Now her son is 14 with all the junk a 14 year old would have in his room. They slowly worked back all his kid gear back into the bedroom, once the abusive self behavior tapered off. The room gutting wasn't a "punishment", it was to keep him safe.

I think your son is scared, and has no way to communicate it. His peers at school are now acting different. School is different because of expectations. Everything changed and he has no way to deal with it.

The behavioral links are a good place to start. You are going to have to play amateur detective to learn what is triggering him off. It maybe something easy to identify or something you never knew could rile him up so bad.

Gentle hugs....

It he's helped by activity, I would encourage him to bounce on a trampette/trampoline or do "jobs" to help you such as carrying heavy things around. Though I suspect kids are more willing to do that sort of thing at school than at home. Similarly, there are a range of sensory toys aimed at vestibular and proprioceptive input. Even a swing. I suggest this because you said wobbling him helps sometimes.

We try to encourage children to learn to remove themselves from situations when they get angry, even if they call you nasty names on the way (one step at a time). Generally, this starts as you taking the child (and quite probably getting whacked along the way) to the 'safe' place. Make sure it isn't a punishment because you want your kid to take themselves there.

If you have a garden, perhaps with a climbing frame you could let him loose in there. If it's indoors, you could set up a soft area with foam flooring and/or some foam blocks that you could encourage him to throw. Or a punch bag if he's into that. Introducing healthy ways of managing anger and it can help both of you move away from the 'bad behaviour' mindset. Also, never try these things for the first time during a meltdown. Make it a game before hand and then gradually introduce it.

Try to restrain him for as little time as possible, unless he likes deep pressure hugs. If he's hurting himself, look for safe sensory input that mirrors it. Schedule in time for him to get that input before he meltsdown - ideally at regular intervals. I've known children who need it as often as every half an hour but every hour or couple of hours is likely fine. This should help with the build up that leads to the unpredictable explosion.

Additionally, he needs time to decompress and when you're taking away the things he likes actually it just adds more stress to both of you. Set aside time for him just to re-set himself. This could be relaxing, this could be playing (though watch out for if he needs input but then gives himself too much). It is very likely he will need much more down time than other children. Encourage his school to give him additional learning breaks, if he doesn't have them already.

I think the thing with using his hobbies as a carrot is that the reward may be too delayed for his coping abilities, added to the fact that it's unlikely that he wants to meltdown. I would suggest that you step it back a bit and make the rewards immediate. For example "Now we ___, then we ___". If your son is able you could add a third step, for example one I use is "Now we're finished in X, next we're washing our hands in ____ class, then we're going to lunch." (X being the thing they really like doing that they need to finish, the classroom being distinctly disliked and lunch being a carrot.) (If your child's language is poor you may need to simplify it to 'X finished, next hand washing'.)

If that reward happens to be a bit of screen time, then so be it.

I think the combination of delayed gratification and poor impulse control leaves too much opportunity for self-defeat. The pressure of 'behaving' for so long likely adds stress to him and then once he explodes he thinks he's 'bad' or that he's got no chance of getting the reward anyway.

And, above all, look into whether there are any respite services available - whether that be someone looking after him for an day/afternoon or simply a special needs after school club. (Failing that, a club he'd attend.) Nobody can keep up with this sort of care without time to look after themselves without getting to the end of their tether.

I watched Inside Out again last night.

Great movie.