Anxiety/Behaviour issue?

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Hello,

This forum has been great relief for me as I continue to fight for my son with autism. He is 3 years old. I has been his therapist for last 9 months since his disgnosis. He has shown improvement in speech, play, engagement and complaince. Recently he has started pointing and sharing interest as well. Still lots to improve but the way things have been gives me hope. All this is while at home only. Out of home he is a different person. Huje seperation anxiety. He has been going to a preschool for last 9 months for 1 hour each daily. I have made arrangements to stay at school with him. He plays alone in the same room as other kids mostly talking to myself. But my slightest effort to even leave the room for a second makes him panicky and he starts crying unconsolably. Same is with a group therapy session we both attend together for last 9 months. He just cant stop crying even after 9 months. He cant stand other people trying to interact with him or when demands are placed on him to perform in the company of other people. I understand he has seperation anxiety and I never let him be alone until he can be comfortable in being on his own. But inspite of me being with him, he cannot stand others trying to interact with him or cannot showcase any of his skills in others presence. He appears to be a severely autistic kid in others presence whereas he has lots of skills and learns quite well at home. He has no serious sensory issues when outside as he is very happy and comfortable if he is let on his own. He has not shown any improvement in this behaviour over time yet. I am really scared that he may even not be able to attend a special school if this continues. Is this anxiety or a behaviour issue? Will this improve with time? Any suggestions on how to improve this? I am a bit hesitant to try any medication yet as he is only 3 years old. I would like him to learn to control his anxiety/behaviour

Regards
sresree

Although I am not a doctor or clinical psychologist, so can not give a qualified opinion.
I would say that at 3 years of age, he is still very young and that his reactions are perhaps quiet normal.

I believe I had the same reactions at his age.

I wonder if one strategy would be to invite a friend who has a child to come to your house to play along side your child on a regular basis, where your son feels the most comfortable.

Hopefully there will be a clinical psychologist or two on the forum or someone who also has a child who has been through the same experiences who is able to help you with your questions.

Alternatively, perhaps there are books on the subject?

Several mistakes there, Ma'am.

(1) Your desire is to change his behavior. You have started with your left foot. WHO are you to tell your son to change his behavior, seriously?! Treat him as an equal rights human being, please. Read Dr. Barry Prizant's book titled "Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism," where he said:
"Autism isn't an illness. It's a different way of being human. Children with autism aren't sick; they are progressing through developmental stages as we all do. To help them, we don't need to change or fix them. We need to work to understand them, and then change what we do."
Yeap, the children don't need change. It's the parents who need to change.

(2) Timing: for behavioral/anxiety issues, my first question is: what do you do, or what have you done, when your child is happy?
Yeap, behavioral/anxiety issues are solved when the children are smiling, when they are at their happiest moments. I will elaborate next.

(3) How many pictures do you draw for your son everyday? Zero? There you go. You have no one else to blame but yourself. To compare, for my children, I used to draw pictures and talk to them that way, every night at bedtime, and several times throughout the day. When they were non-verbal, I talked to them through pictures. I even made animation video clips to communicated my messages. How many animation video clips have you made for your son?!

You only want to solve behavioral/anxiety problems when they happen. So of course you have zero success. The way to approach these issues is like this:

(a) At the first incident, all you need to do is make a note of the incident. If the child is non-verbal, draw a picture on a blank card, a piece or paper, or on your smart phone. Show the picture to the child. If the child is verbal, you can simply ask: "Are you sad? Or are you OK?" This establishes a hook that we will use later.

(b) At the moment of the child's maximum happiness (hopefully within the same day), you then show the picture to the child again, or ask him again "Are you sad? Or are you OK, now?" Remind him about his bad experience, talk to him (verbally or in pictures), explain what you need to do and why you need to do things in a certain way. Draw a picture of his happy moment. Draw a picture about your explanation. Tell him: "Life sometimes is tough, but life sometimes it's FUN!" Give him a high five, or toss him into the air and then catch him on the way down.

(c) Next time behavior/anxiety issues happen, then remind him about his happy moments (show him your hand-drawn pictures if you have them.) Remind him of all the happy moments he's had recently. Remind him: "Life sometimes is tough, but some other time it's FUN, right?"

That's all. You don't even need to tell him to change his behavior. Whether he decides to change his behavior or not, is NONE of your business. He is sovereign on his decisions. Your job is simply to remind him that life is a balance, sometimes it's hard, but fun times will always come, and that he surely has had fun time.

In his bad times, remind him about his good times. In his good times, remind him about his bad times. Please draw pictures, for every single message you want to let him know. Talk to him through his eyes, not through his ears.

To be precise, my son had the same separation anxiety when he was younger (3 years old?). The steps above were what I did. My wife could leave him in preschool afterwards. No issues any more.