5th grade boy friendships

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Hi,

I've been wondering how I should determine if my son is doing well socially. I'm an extrovert, so I like having lots of friends. I'm guessing he's more of an introvert..... His interest in friends sort of confuses me. I don't know if it's just his personality, the fluidity of relationships at his age or what.

I know his Asperger's makes it so that sometimes his interactions are one sided. He has found some friends who share interests because he's into children's theater, so he's made some friends there. They have a lot of things to talk about and obviously, being in a play together is a structured activity that he enjoys.

What i don't understand is this..... I was worried about him making friends as they've been getting older and everyone is really into cliques at his school. He doesn't really get invited to birthday parties and rarely gets invited to go to someone's house to hang out. It doesn't seem to really bother him, but obviously, I want him to have some friends. He's got a couple of close friends (sadly, one just moved away), but he's gone through a few friends recently that just seemed to fall off the map.

I was excited to hear that he'd been hanging out with these two boys last year when they were at recess. Suddenly, he and one of the two just don't talk to each other as of this school year. When I asked him about it, he's just like, "I don't know... we just don't hang out anymore." Now, the second boy that he always hung out with last year is sort of falling away. When I asked him about it he said, "I dunno. I just only feel 50/50 about him." I asked if something happened, and he said no. I asked if the other kid was not hanging out with him or if it was his choice.. he said it's his choice. But when I asked him what's up with it, he just said, "I can't really explain it."

How do I know if it's just drifting apart or a real problem? I want to follow his lead on this... he really doesn't SEEM upset by it, but he's not one to tell me what's on his mind until things are pretty dire.

He's also got a buddy on our street and I can barely get him to go down and ask the kid to play. He always just wants to hang out and look at his tablet by himself... yet, when I sort of force him to play with the buddy down the street, they have a lot of fun... it's someone he genuinely likes, but he just won't seek the other kid out.

Any thoughts?

What I am going to ask you is going to sound odd, and maybe rude (I hope not, but I genuinely do not understand this)

What is your objective in quizzing your son on this? I ask because if my mother had done this, it would have made me feel self-conscious and weird. I hated her unsolicited guidance in my social concerns as it was, (and she wasn't even an extrovert) but I don't think I could have tolerated quizzing well, at all.

Are you looking for reassurance that your son is happy? Are you hoping he will ask you for help if he isn't? What is your objective? What would you do if he is not happy, but doesn't want your help?

Grading your son's social success is not necessarily helpful, and I guess, in my head, there doesn't seem much point to it. Asking him about it, if anything might make him feel like you think less of him, if that makes sense. I really would not have wanted my general lack of social success emphasized and asking about it leads someone to infer that it should have more weight than maybe he (or you) should want it to.

I understand the impulse to get him outside his comfort zone a little bit, if he ends up having a good time and just has trouble taking the initiative, but if he doesn't want to, then at some point, that becomes his decision. At this age, you can probably still get away with this, but you are soon at the point where depending on his own development and his own ability to self-advocate he may tell you to back off.

If he were showing anxiety signs or you were worried about bullying, I would also get wanting to intervene in that or offer help.

If I seem really negative, about your question, it is b/c I was a kid with occasional intermittent social success, and navigating it actually was harder when my mom interfered b/c it interfered with me acting in my own interests vs her expectations/wants.

if your son welcomes your questions and help, than that would be a totally different thing, of course.

I don't feel like those are rude questions. I think they're good questions, and ones I'm sort of asking myself anyway. I think what I'm trying to get out of asking questions like this is exactly what you're saying. Is he unhappy? Is he being bullied? At 5th grade, getting friends to come over still involves me texting or calling the friend's parents. So, when I said, "Hey, you don't have a lot going on next week, you want me to text X's mom and see if he can come over after school?" I was surprised he'd say no thanks because in the past, he'd be excited about that kid coming over.

In the past, I pushed him to hang out with kids he genuinely didn't want to hang out with because they were kids of mutual friends... and in that situation, he got bullied. I don't want that to happen again. I don't force him to hang out with anyone (I said I "force" him with the buddy down the street, but I wouldn't really characterize it as that... more like encourage). When we discovered he had been getting bullied, we realized it had been going on for a while.

Also, my son has OCD and spent MONTHS worrying about stuff without saying anything. He came to me when it got really bad. I am so grateful that he did that, but it makes me feel like I need to check in with him more frequently to be sure he's not silently suffering in situations where we might be able to lend a hand.

I guess I am just hoping that he can talk to us if something is going on... and I want to help him articulate it to us. I didn't get the sense that when I asked him those questions about his friend that it was upsetting him that I asked... just that he genuinely couldn't articulate why he didn't feel like hanging out with him anymore. And I dropped it after a few questions.

it really could be just a case of growing apart as friends, and that's ok. He does have another friend who he asks to have over all the time... it's just this friend that he's growing apart from was the first friend he made on his own. So, I was looking forward to them tackling middle school together, etc. To be honest, I find the kid he's growing apart from a little difficult... doesn't do well with other people's boundaries and I think likes to keep friends for himself.. he may have isolated my son a little bit from other peers he wanted to get to know. So, my son could be picking up on that and just distancing himself naturally without really knowing how to articulate.

Anyway, I guess I'm not sure WHAT I want other than for my kid to be happy and as socially involved with other people as he wants. And I think that's what I'm trying to figure out, too... how much does he WANT. And I get your point about not quizzing him about his social stuff, but if I don't ever ask, how will I know if he's doing ok?

As far as your question about what I would do if there was a problem and he didn't WANT my help. I suppose there's nothing I could do about that. I would just reassure him that we are here if he needs it, but he absolutely has the right to deal with his stuff on his own if that's what he prefers.

i also want to point out that I don't see any of this as a "social failure" on his part. I just want to make sure he's got as many friends as he wants, and that if tricky things come up, he feels free to talk to us about it. If drifting apart from friends is a failure, then I think we are all social failures.

Ok, I think I have a better handle on this now. Thank you for clarifying.

I am not sure the metric "as many friends as he wants" is a useful metric for most aspies. I can see for an extrovert how it might be.

I can't imagine myself thinking x number of friends is my ideal number of friends, and that is what I am aiming for. There very well be a minimum that would enable me to not be by myself at the lunch table, and not alone during x activities, and certainly some maximum number that would be impossible to maintain, given the other things I would rather do. So I am going to assume that is what you mean vs taking that literally.

But even taking into account that there might be a preferable range, aspies tend to emphasize quality over quantity. I would rather have 1 really good friend than say 3 I feel 50-50 about, even if 2 good friends would be nicer than 1 good friend. If I can't find an acceptable 2nd versus someone I feel ambivalent about, I might still prefer 1. Friendships can take a lot of energy. Facades and even just reciprocity can be exhausting, and may not be worth it for someone you feel rather meh about.

Aspies value loyalty, sharing common interests and any number of things, in general, over being able to announce, "I have x friends." If I have to deal with some awkward hanging back alone time, sometimes, I, personally, would find it preferable than having to maintain fakey-fake relationships I am not keen on. That doesn't mean it does not help to have friendly-ish acquaintances to help deter bullying, while in certain environments. It does not mean I would want them as actual friends, although an aspie may label them as such vs labeling them as acquaintances.

I do understand if you have had your child have bullying episodes in the past, that you would feel anxious about that recurring, especially if he is not inclined to communicate or is not able to articulate things well. That to me is more of am added reason to just keep building communication skills in general vs stressing over if he has a large enough quantity of friends. This way he is more likely to come to you about other issues, too.

Edited to add: I don't think it is necessarily a worry that the friendships shift and wax and wane. Aspie friendships often hinge on special interests, so when your son or the NT child switches interests, that could make the friendship no longer appealing to your son. Of course it could be b/c of social faux pas or any number of things, but if I recollect correctly (my son is not social, so I have to think back) NT boys have much greater tolerance for that than NT girls do.

Also I would not be alarmed that your son is rejecting play dates he used to accept. it does not mean they are bullying him necessarily. It might just be they now bore him.

There were some really interesting studies a while back that showed that just one good friend is all a child needs to grow up healthy and happy. Many friends is not protective against anxiety, depression, drug use, etc... In fact, kids with a lot of friends can sometimes be swept into things they are not ready for. No friends at all is a significant risk factor. But one or two is just as good as 8.